What we focus on gets better, what we ignore dies.

My thinking for this post was sparked by Sex Homework: Hard Habit to Break on the blogging dangerously blog. (Not a Christian blog, explore at your own risk.)

I totally agree that when we focus on something we tend to do it more, do it better, and enjoy it more.  On the other side, if we don’t do something much, odds are we will do it less and less over time, won’t do it as well, and won’t enjoy it as much. While this is not true for all things, it is certainly true for sex – in fact, it seems to be especially true when it comes to female sexuality. Women who think about sex during the day are far more interest and aroused when there is an opportunity to have sex. Many women find that the more often they have sex the easier and better it is, and that results in them wanting and having even more sex. In fact, some women have found that having sex five or six times a week is actually easier than having sex two or three times a week. It’s a virtuous cycle that builds and builds, making sex better and better.

The problem, of course, it getting the cycle going. If sex is not something she currently enjoys, then trying to get it to have more so she can enjoy it is like telling her she can learn to like the flavour of, and enjoy eating, something she does not currently like. If she enjoys sex, but wants it far less often than you want it, she has no motivation to work at it, as she is happy with the status quo.

The bottom line is this – a woman who puts her mind to it can learn to enjoy sex a great deal – and to want a great deal of sex. Those who have done it say they are glad they did. So, she can do something for you, and benefit in the process – seems like a win/win to me. How do you make it sound like a win/win to her? Maybe you can’t, but letting her know that others have gotten there and would not want to go back might help.

Pick your time and your words carefully, and be ready to drop the idea in her mind and back out if necessary. If she is willing to discuss it a bit, suggest a test – maybe have sex five nights a week for a month and see how it works for her.

8 Comments on “What we focus on gets better, what we ignore dies.

  1. Ha. “Of course he’ll say that, he’s a man. And I’m not that other woman.”

  2. @John (or John’s wife?) Yeah, I’m a man. My wife, however is not, and she would agree with me. I suspect a few women will show up here to agree as well. For that matter the article I used for inspiration was by a woman.

  3. Paul – Your wife may agree and a few others may agree, but they are in the minority. If a woman agrees with you, she is probably already having more sex. And if she does not agree, she is not going to change her mind because you said so.

    The fact is, your wife rarely, if ever, posts anything like this on her blog to the wives. The ones who most need to hear this are not hearing it (except from you or us husbands). It might have more of an impact coming from her. Probably won’t change many minds (maybe none), but might at least be received better and turn the wheels once or twice before it’s dismissed.

  4. Just got back from an extended Thanksgiving trip, but saw your OP on my blackberry and couldn’t wait to get back to leave a comment. Turns out, Crunch said exactly what I was going to say, only more eloquently. Your post is a little like preaching to the choir. My first thought when reading was…this is something Lori could say at TGW with more impact. Keep it coming though, Paul – I need your daily posts to keep thinking in my wife’s language of love – I sure wasn’t born with it.

  5. Okay, I am a woman and I completely agree with this post. However, I do often see men’s frustration with their wives and lack of wanting sex. I also see a lot of women who just don’t care! This is really the problem more than any thing. I see this often in my own church even with women leaders. I have even seen this in small groups, for married couples, in our church. I have even had one lady tell me and I quote “God took my husband’s sex drive away because he knew I didn’t enjoy sex”. Women especially Christian women have this misinformed outlook on sex.
    The problem with this is they aren’t alone so they go to a women’s group and have 10 other women telling them that it is okay to NOT have sex with their husbands!! So as a wife who knows the importance of intimacy in marriage. What I try to do is mentor other women who I know are struggling in this area. And as for your wife’s post verses your post, I must admit that I often enjoy reading your post more than your wife’s because you seem to dive very deep into some of the “off limits” issues. I really believe communication is what helps a marriage grow and deepen! And often times women are just shut off to communicating about sex.

  6. @ Carrie – You are so right in all that you say, and it drives us crazy. There seems to be this very unbiblical thinking among some that sex is unholy, and the more holy one becomes the less they want sex.

    As to “taking away his sex drive” – we both know God did not do that. Maybe it died, but it’s more likely he is taking care of it himself. I pray he is not tempted by porn or another woman.

    • Thank you for your reply to my comment. And I completely agree! Thank you and your wife for your daily post. Just reading your websites bring all kinds of discussions and intimacy into my marriage.

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