How Much Sex?

This is balanced? © Iqoncept |

Recently I’ve seen several articles that say average sex for non-newly-wed couples is 1, or 1.5 times a week. This is always follow by something like “what works varies from couple to couple, and you have to find a way to reach a compromise that works for both of you.”

But that’s not biblical!! No, really, it’s not. The Bible (in 1 Cor 7) is pretty clear that sex is something we do when our spouse wants it. So why are so many who follow Jesus buying into this worldly “solution”, a solution that does not work, when the Bible offers a better solution? I think the reason is lies we believe:

  • A compromise is a fair and effective way to fix a sexual “imbalance”. Unless a couple’s desired frequencies are very close, a compromise means one is feeling it’s not enough, and the other feels it’s too much. The only thing fair about it is that both are unhappy.
  • Sex is primarily about our bodies. Yes, sex feels very (very, very) good physically – but if you only enjoy sex between your legs you are really missing a great deal of what sex can, and should be. Sex should feel deeply intimate, comforting, thrilling, and nurturing. Having sex should make you feel close and connect. Regular sex should make you love each other more, want to do more for each other, and be more willing to sacrifice for each other. Physical pleasure is the very tasty frosting, but just because it’s what we see first does not mean it’s the best part – or good all alone.
  • Sexual desire is just a physical drive. Sadly, this is true for many, and that’s a problem. Those who only seek sex for physical pleasure, or physical release, have never felt the other pleasures of sex (see above). Those who have little or no interest in sex are the same – they have never experienced all the ways sex can be fantastic. Once you taste the others ways sex is good, you will start to want sex for a good many reasons other than your body. It’s worth developing those other things – work on it as a couple!
  • Some people just don’t have much of a sex drive. I see this as a spin-off of lies that sex is best for, or only desired by, the young and the beautiful. The reality is virtually everyone can want and greatly enjoy sex. This is especially true for those who have gotten past the “it’s all about our bodies” lie. Those who have experienced what sex is supposed to be, want sex, and they especially want it with the person they loved enough to marry.

Bottom line: If sex, for you and your bride is about physical pleasure and/or physical release, and nothing more than that, then the world’s wisdom is good enough. Average it out, and the one who wants more can DIY when they feel the need. Problem fixed. On the other hand, if you and your bride see sex as more than the world does, if you understand that sex is a gift God gave us to be enjoyed in many ways, then you need to forsake all “worldly sexual wisdom” and find the better way that God has given us.

Image Credit: © Iqoncept |

11 Comments on “How Much Sex?

  1. You said, ” Sex should feel deeply intimate, comforting, thrilling, and nurturing. Having sex should make you feel close and connect. ”

    My question is, what if having great sex, knock it out of the park sex, manager of the hotel calls your room to ask if you are o.k. because the neighbors heard a screaming lady sex, doesn’t make you feel close and connect? Then what?

    You go on to say, “Once you taste the other ways sex is good, you will start to want sex for a good many reasons other than your body. It’s worth developing those other things – work on it as a couple!”

    But how? How do you do that? Do you have any suggestions?


    • @Jackie – I suppose it’s possible for the physical to be so good it distracts from the other things. I think it’s also about what we expect and what we give ourself permission to experience.

      Afterglow plays a big part in this, so try to nurture that (don’t jump up for the bathroom unless you must due to UTIs – don’t fall asleep immediately – don’t go for a snack.)

      Also try to feel the connection along the way. Take a moment during foreplay to feel things other than your body. When intercourse starts, be still for a minute and feel again.

      Finally, and this is major for guys, and a real issue for some women, have enough sex that you are not crazy horny each time you start. If your body is desperate for it, that will drown out other things.

  2. Two questions: How can you move past the physical pleasure of sex to put the other parts first. How can an intimate sexual relationship not be put on a monthly “hold” when sex is uncomfortable for her during her menstrual cycle?

    • Josh,
      I am finding the odd thing about sex is that the desire for it and the pleasures of it are as much about feeding the feelings and desires of my wife as much as about getting my own pleasures. This comes as I feel more fulfilled, and more intimate. There will be times that the physical part of you still wants it, but the other part will be satisfied because it is putting her first.

    • @Josh – Some ideas in my comment above.

      As to period pain, the suggestion to do non-penetrative things is a good one if your bride is up for it. An orgasm is actually great for this kind of pain. A tampon or diva cup can make period sex possible without mess. Be aware some women are just dead set against anything sexual the first day or two, but may be open to something creative after that.

      If sex is out of the question for her, do be sure to keep touching her. Holding, massaging and other touch help to maintain intimacy and a connection and will mean less of a problem reconnecting sexually.

  3. Nothing sexier than a sex quota. “Dear, it’s 11:30pm on Saturday, and we’ve only had sex once this week, so let’s get going.” Ew.

    Josh, sex is more than penetration. You can get the same emotional benefits from just laying in bed and kissing. Also, the best way to move past your physical pleasure is to consume yourself with making her experience pleasurable. That sacrifice will show you what sex is really about.

    Read up on some things and try new things that you find. Google is a treasure trove of sexual information (just make sure your sites are clean!). Your wife won’t like everything you find, but she will like a few new tips you pick up.

  4. Thank you for this post. The timing is perfect as usual. I forwarded this to a friend whose marriage is in conflict due to this very subject. I thank you for all that you do, its important work.

  5. Instead of a “hold” when sex is uncomfortable for her during her menstrual cycle, how about a change? Oral, manual or breast sex are nice options.

  6. I was never able to get my wife to understand that sexual intimacy was not occasionally banging the genitalia together. Sexual intimacy takes place between your ears not your legs. No matter how much sex you have and no matter how good it is the sex will never satisfy the need for intimacy.
    So if you are having sexual problems (if either of you thinks you are then you are) go get help.
    Shop around for the right counselor and get started now. Because I believe in the process of solving the sexual problems you will find you have solved well over 50% of all the problems in your relationship because the sex is tied to so many other things. Do not live 30 years with this as I did.

  7. @The Generous Husband, The Bible speaks very clearly about refraining from sex during the “unclean period or time of the month”, it’s a time of rest & healing for her & she is not to be w/her husband during this unclean period.
    Leviticus 15:19-24 NIV
    “ ‘When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. “ ‘Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. Anyone who touches her bed will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. Anyone who touches anything she sits on will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, they will be unclean till evening. “ ‘If a man has sexual relations with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean.

    • @BeauCarlisle So are you keeping all of that? Does she have a separate bed for her period? Do you and your children refrain from all contact with her? Does she refrain from cooking or doing any other housework during that time?
      The NT is clear, if we keep part of the law, we must keep all of the law. If you want to prohibit sex based on the OT laws of cleanliness, then you must apply all of those laws. That would include no shrimp or bacon, no cutting of your facial hair, no clothes of mixed textile clothing, and on and on.
      Jesus set us free from the ritual cleanliness laws, and did not give us the option to pick and choose from them. If you feel any of what is there still has wisdom for today (and I think some do) that’s fine, but once you do it BECAUSE of the law you must keep the full law.

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