How Much Sex?
Recently I’ve seen several articles that say average sex for non-newly-wed couples is 1, or 1.5 times a week. This is always follow by something like “what works varies from couple to couple, and you have to find a way to reach a compromise that works for both of you.”
But that’s not biblical!! No, really, it’s not. The Bible (in 1 Cor 7) is pretty clear that sex is something we do when our spouse wants it. So why are so many who follow Jesus buying into this worldly “solution”, a solution that does not work, when the Bible offers a better solution? I think the reason is lies we believe:
- A compromise is a fair and effective way to fix a sexual “imbalance”. Unless a couple’s desired frequencies are very close, a compromise means one is feeling it’s not enough, and the other feels it’s too much. The only thing fair about it is that both are unhappy.
- Sex is primarily about our bodies. Yes, sex feels very (very, very) good physically – but if you only enjoy sex between your legs you are really missing a great deal of what sex can, and should be. Sex should feel deeply intimate, comforting, thrilling, and nurturing. Having sex should make you feel close and connect. Regular sex should make you love each other more, want to do more for each other, and be more willing to sacrifice for each other. Physical pleasure is the very tasty frosting, but just because it’s what we see first does not mean it’s the best part – or good all alone.
- Sexual desire is just a physical drive. Sadly, this is true for many, and that’s a problem. Those who only seek sex for physical pleasure, or physical release, have never felt the other pleasures of sex (see above). Those who have little or no interest in sex are the same – they have never experienced all the ways sex can be fantastic. Once you taste the others ways sex is good, you will start to want sex for a good many reasons other than your body. It’s worth developing those other things – work on it as a couple!
- Some people just don’t have much of a sex drive. I see this as a spin-off of lies that sex is best for, or only desired by, the young and the beautiful. The reality is virtually everyone can want and greatly enjoy sex. This is especially true for those who have gotten past the “it’s all about our bodies” lie. Those who have experienced what sex is supposed to be, want sex, and they especially want it with the person they loved enough to marry.
Bottom line: If sex, for you and your bride is about physical pleasure and/or physical release, and nothing more than that, then the world’s wisdom is good enough. Average it out, and the one who wants more can DIY when they feel the need. Problem fixed. On the other hand, if you and your bride see sex as more than the world does, if you understand that sex is a gift God gave us to be enjoyed in many ways, then you need to forsake all “worldly sexual wisdom” and find the better way that God has given us.
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