Why she might solo

Vibrator © Zts | Dreamstime.com

Masturbation among married women is not nearly as rare as many folk think. Various studies have put the numbers from 40% to 60% – or more. At least a third of married women masturbate at least monthly. Why would a woman with a willing husband do that?

  • Because he’s out of town.
  • She is trying to learn how her body works so sex is better – or – learning how to have an orgasm.
  • Stress relief.
  • Because her husband expects her to climax after far too little foreplay, and if she manages to climax, it’s weak.
  • To get to sleep.
  • Due to relationship problems she is not feeling like having sex with her husband, but still has a sex drive.
  • He’s not so willing. There are more and more women living with guys who don’t want much sex (many but not all of these guys are into porn and masturbation).
  • He’s not saying no, but he’s not giving her what or as much as she wants.

You will notice that some of those are a result of a failure on the part of the husband. If you think you may be short-changing your bride in one of these ways, please KNOCK IT OFF!

I know this is a touchy subject. Even if you don’t feel masturbation is inherently wrong, the idea of your bride doing it can be uncomfortable. Let me give you few bits of information that may help.

  • It’s certainly not a bad thing to have a wife who has sexual urges – if she is masturbating that shows she wants and enjoys sex. If she is doing it on her own but not having sex with you, odds are there are (non-sexual) problems in your relationship that are getting in the way. Fix those, and she will apply her sex drive to you!
  • Women are not like men. If you masturbate during the day, you have less drive and less ability to have sex in the evening, and even if you manage, it won’t be as good. This is not the case for the majority of women. In fact, many women say they are more interested in sex with hubby come bedtime if they have done something earlier in the day. Other women report that a bit of masturbation during the day makes for easier and better sex when they make love.
  • Sex tends to be a use it or lose it thing for women. If she is sexless for a few years (or having sex, but not climaxing) changing that later is going to be difficult at best. If you are unavailable or unable for any reason, or if she is unable to enjoy sex with you for any reason, DIY sex on her can keep things working so the two of you can have a good sex life down the road.
  • Men enter marriage with a very good understanding of their sexual parts: what feels good, and what feels great. This is far less common for women, and some enter marriage without having had an orgasm – ever, in any way. While some women do learn how to climax with their husband, others cannot learn this way. Self-exploration is a surer and faster way for a woman to learn what feels good, and how to orgasm. Once she knows these things, she can teach her guy.
  • Even if she is having orgasms with you, solo sex can help her to learn more about her body so that sex with you is better. A woman’s body changes a great deal over her lifetime, and that includes some significant sexual changes. Give her the freedom to keep learning so sex with you is all it can be. (For example, many women have their first multiple orgasms during masturbation, then later with hubby.)
  • Finally, and you really need to hear this, women in good marriages don’t choose masturbation, or sex toys, over their husband. For women sex is relational, and you can’t have a relationship with your hand or a vibrator. My point here is you should not fear losing her to solo sex. If she chooses that over you, the problem is not that she is masturbating, but that there is something wrong with your relationship, or that you refuse to learn how to be a halfway decent lover.

Please: Don’t use this post as an excuse to ask your bride if she masturbates. If she does and has not mentioned it, there is a reason for that, and until that reason changes, the question is likely to cause problems. On the other hand, if you think she might be doing it, but is concerned how you would feel about it – or if you think maybe she would like to but does not – it would be nice to give her “permission”. This post might be a good tool for doing that.

Note: The pun was unintentional, but once I saw it I just had to leave it! :-)

Image Credit: © Zts | Dreamstime.com

10 Comments on “Why she might solo

  1. I can’t stand the double standard for men on the subject of sex, and this post is filled to the gills with it. So let me get this straight:

    If my wife is masterbating alone but not having sex with me: my fault.
    If I am masterbating alone but not having sex with my wife: my fault.
    If my wife is masterbating alone and not having sex with me: I am a bad lover.

    At what point is the wife held responsible for masterbatng alone and withholding sex? This is not biblical, and shouldn’t be held up as acceptable. Are there situations where it is the husbands fault? Absolutely. But as the author of this article, you should have at least acknowledged that sometimes women are sometimes at fault for sexual problems in a marriage.

    My case: my wife is NEVER in the mood. Ever. She has no sexual thoughts or inclinitions (none she will admit to, anyway). I have to initiate everything. I have tried ALL of your tips, as well as everyone else’s, and tried them all NONE of them work.

    She tells me that she really enjoys it when we do it (and she orgasms almost every time we do have sex, and I know she isn’t faking because I can feel it).

    So tell me what I am doing wrong. Tell me how it’s my fault why I have to masterbate just to curb the sex drive so I don’t bring the subject up to her and have her reject me any more.

    Other than this, we have an ok marriage. We talk all the time about everything (including this subject). I have read books and blogs, including 5LL, and tried all the suggestions, both relating to sex and those dealing with just general marriage.

    She works a full time job. I work part time in the early morning and then watch our two kids all day by myself five days a week. But she’s always “too tired” or “can’t get out of mommy mode” (uh, you’ve been in mommy mode for an hour. You can’t get out after an hour?).

    So yeah, sometime the man IS doing everything possible, and it’s the woman’s fault.

    • @Dave – Given that there are fundamental differences between male and female sexuality, both physically and emotionally treating men and women differently seems not only warranted, but necessary.

      As to sexual refusal, that is wrong, and I have covered that many times.

      From what you said your wife does not fit this post. She is not choosing masturbation over sex with you, she is not interested in sex. (Odd as it may sound, being able to climax ever time does not mean a woman feels any desire to be sexual.) This could be physical, but is more likely mental/emotional. You may have added to this, but it is usually something that pre-dates your marriage.

      My suggestion would be to get some help. If you are doing the right things, and nothing is changing, then something else needs to be done. Maybe there are some things you can change that will help, and maybe it’s all about her thoughts and attitudes. Someone who has experience with this will be able to help.

      Because women are relational, and relational about sex, they are motivated to connect sexual pleasure and release with a person. Yes, there are a few women who function more like men, but they are the exception. That said, there is a growing problem of women who are hooked on porn, and this can result in choosing porn and masturbation over marital sex.

    • Dave–May I suggest prayer? My wife and I had some issues when we first were married but a dedication to not being frustrated and more importantly a constant communication with each other helped us through that. The Lord can do amazing things and praying to the God who created all things and sustains all things is probably the best thing to do. As husbands it is our job to lead, lead by example in your relationship with the Lord and I guarantee He will bless you in your marriage as it glorifies Him when a married couple abides by His Word. See Romans 8:28

  2. I have to assume that the picture at the top is some sort of “solo” toy, but it looks more like R2D2. What is it?

    • @Paul – It is a vibrator. Usually used for back massage, but can be used for masturbation. It was the only vibrator image I could find that was not very phallic.

  3. For nearly ten years, I preferred solo masturbation over sex with my husband. I did a lot of refusing and gatekeeping. As I’ve moved past that, I’ve come to understand that there were deeper problems in our marriage; the sexual control I insisted on was just a symptom–but by the time we began to address those problems, our sexual patterns had become so ingrained that it was hard to change those habits. While these patterns were a result of my wrong decisions and lack of understanding of the role of sex in marriage, there are some things my husband could’ve done early on to help our marriage that would have improved our sex life as well. All that said, whenever I masturbated, I felt so guilty that the next time I initiated, I didn’t say “no.” So I had myself convinced that he benefited from my solo activity.

    • ForgivenWife You certainly show the importance of dealing with things as soon as possible. Habits can  be difficult to break if they have been in place for many years,

  4. I have no issues with my wife masturbating. We have a great sex life, and if she feels the need on occassion to supplement that with some solo play then more power too her. As you rightly say above, her masturbating is likely to enhance rather than take away from her libido and to make it more likely that she will want to carry that through to making love with me later on. For me, the fact that she masturbates is comforting in a way, as it reinforces for me that she is a sexual being who enjoys sex for its own sake and not just to accommodate my needs. She has a good selection of toys, but I am not threatened by that for as you rightly say above, for her our sexual relationship is relational and a vibrator can never provide her with the physical and emotional intimacy that she craves in our intimate life as a couple.

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