The power to change your marriage

Knowledge is power © Alexmillos | Dreamstime.comMy recent Divorce up because women can afford to? post has resulted in some heated comments. Apparently some have taken my words as trying to blame men for divorces – or for most divorces, or all divorces. I can understand how “You might have prevented that” can seem to be “It’s your fault” – but that is neither what I think nor what I am saying.

Frankly blame, especially after the fact, is pretty useless in my mind. My desire is not to blame, but to show men that they have the power to make changes in their marriages. If a woman leaves her husband, and it is “her fault” does that really make things any better for anyone? On the other hand, if a man does something that prevents a divorce that would have been “her fault” isn’t that a very good thing? It seems to me that most (not all, but most) divorces could have been prevented if EITHER the husband or the wife had made certain changes.

This is the real message I want to share – that even when it’s not “your fault” you may be able to stop something bad from happening in your marriage. Part of doing that is becoming aware of your bride, and of things that can indicate she is unhappy. Yes, it would be nice if she just speak up, and if she has not tried (as opposed to she has tried repeatedly and you did not listen) that is her error. Would you like to know how to spot that error and deal with it before it ends your marriage? I would. Does not knowing how to spot it make it your fault? No, it does not.

Bottom line: The more you know, the better you can keep your marriage strong and happy. The less you know, the more likely it is you will have a rude surprise.

Image Credit: Knowledge is power © Alexmillos |

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:


New blog this week: The Long, Hot Marriage. I’ve been following Todd Creager on Twitter for a few weeks (@toddcreager), and have been very impressed with what he has to say.



Diffusing the Fight – Before it Begins: Great idea, give it a try.

Black and Married with Kids

What Baggage Did You Bring Into Your Marriage?: “Unfortunately, there are quite a few of us who still struggle to be happy with our spouses because of our own ‘stuff.’” So true!
Getting To Better Communication: Excelent!

Divorce Busting Blog

Why You Haven’t Seen Change in Your Marriage (and What You Can Do to Fix It) pt. 1: This is very good, and halfway down you will find links to various techniques for bringing about change with your spouse.

God Centered Marriage

The World Is Watching.: Yes, you can promote better marriages without saying a word.

Journey to Surrender

What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You!: This fits nicely with my post above.

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage

Hugs=Happier Marriage: No doubt about it – all other things being equal, more touch means a better marriage.

The Long, Hot Marriage

What REALLY Makes a Happy Couple?: Work towards these things, and watch your marriage grow.

Marriage Gems

Feeling Loved Makes You Less Materialistic: A very good write up on a very interesting study.
Resurrect Romance in Your Relationship: Romance challenged? Check this out.

One Flesh Marriage

One Flesh Marriage is running 5 Bloggers 5 Questions: Intimacy In Marriage – with five marriage bloggers answering five questions about intimacy.
Scott Means from Journey to Surrender
Rowan & Mara from CoupleThings Blog
Paul Byerly from The Generous Husband (yeah, me)
Lori “My Wonderful Bride” Byerly of Generous Wife fame

Romantic Act of the Day

Chocolate Covered Strawberries: This how to could win you big with your bride.
Eliminate Her Worry: Excellent article. Might you be unintentionally adding to her worry?

The Romantic Vineyard

Mark Your Calendar: I don’t usually link to this because the dates have come and gone by the time I get to my weekly round-up. So be aware that the weekly Mark Your Calendar feature gives some fun lesser know holidays for you to celebrate. Great resource.
Water Into Wine – Proverbs 1: “Is your marriage in need of wisdom?”
Happy Hour: Another blog round-up, with some blogs I don’t follow.

Simple Marriage

3 Reasons to Beware of Porn: I agree on all three points.
What’s your sexual potential? Or moving beyond sex as leftovers.: An excellent article. No matter how good of bad it is, your sex life could be much better.

One Comment on “The power to change your marriage

  1. Been thinking about this topic a lot recently, in light of your blogs, and a friend of a friend who’s marriage is in crisis.

    Sadly most people want to have a scapegoat… someone to point the finger at and “blame” for the problem. That isn’t often a helpful response, especially as a friend coming alongside a marriage in serious trouble.

    Say the one party is 90% at fault and has made some terrible choices in the marriage… that still leaves 10% that the other spouse has to face up to accepting responsibility for! (And remember no-one is ever 100% blameless… and often in reality the split is more like 75% to 25%!)

    The idea of looking at the situation and saying, because their part was 90% to my 10% therefore it was more X’s fault, is to take the role of God in sitting in judgement on the situation!

    When we look at something, we have to examine the plank in our own eye first.

    And that is the crux of the situation. If there was/is something we could have / should have done better, then there is probably a need for repentance on our behalf, even if we’ve been wronged 90% by the other party. We have to see ourselves before God, and before our spouse. You see from my perspective, that 10% is 100% my problem, and no-one else’s, (and the 90% is 100% theirs). Only I can change my 100%! I need to accept that 100% I can change, and do something about it.

    This isn’t to say that the other party is off the hook (not at all), but is to highlight what we can do to make a difference.

    If our goal is healthy and Godly marriages, then we have to stop looking for a scapegoat, and looking to apportion blame. Instead, we need to take a good look at what is within our power to change, and apologise for that part to God and our spouses…. just as we can reach out in forgiveness to them too.

    They also need someone to do the same for them.

    So this marriage in crisis, the guy has left for a younger woman, and naturally everyone is gathering around the woman, and calling the guy a jerk (which he is!).

    BUT, if in doing so, they communicate that the woman was blameless, without hearing his side of the story too, then we are in danger of “playing God”. We don’t know the full picture. Has she neglected him first in favour of the kids? Ignored his needs? We don’t know. Certainly the guy needs to wake up and realise what is he threatening to throw away, and face up to his massive side in this… but to put it into black and white terms, and say he is 100% to blame is to not help anyone to save the marriage….

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