My bride is okay, but I think I could have done better …

Cow eating grass through fence © Marek Zenca | Dreamstime.com

Have you ever felt you could have “done better”? Maybe you don’t think it exactly like that, but you see another woman who does something your bride does not do, or does not do as well, or you remember how someone you dated did something, and for a moment you feel a bit of doubt or regret. I suppose to some extent that is the old “grass is greener on the other side of the fence” thing, but it’s made far worse by the huge variety of choice we have in who to marry.

For most of human history, the vast majority of people married someone they had known most of their life. The choices were limited; a couple dozen to a hundred individuals of the right age who were not close relatives. Of those, only a couple would feel like they might be a good fit. The result was people married someone feeling they had made an excellent choice given the options, and that limited second thoughts.

Today, most of us have met many hundreds, if not thousands, of potential spouse choices by the time we married. If that’s not enough, there are dating/matchmaking services that will match you with the best of their tens or hundreds of thousands of possible mates. How then can you feel you made the “best” possible choice? She is certainly in the top 10%, maybe even in the top 1%, but is she the very best possible? In the TED video I suggested yesterday (The paradox of choice) Barry Schwartz explained that more choices leads to less satisfaction with the choice one makes. We get fixated on making the perfect choice, and then have “buyer’s remorse” when we wonder if we got it right.

The other part of this is that we now feel we can try another. Regardless of how you feel about divorce, most of us live in a society that makes divorce easy and relatively free of stigma. Your family, close friends, and church might not approve, but if worse came to worst you could divorce, move, and start over: a second chance to get it right! I’m in no way advocating that, but it is the reality of our lives, and I suspect those struggling in their marriages think such things from time to time.

There are several ways of looking at this issue:

God’s sovereign will: Some say God puts us with someone and that makes it the best possible match. This means that regardless of how you feel, you have the best spouse for you.

Free will: Other say we have free will, and we can make a mess of things. This means it’s unlikely we have chosen the very best possible wife.

Seeking His will: Still others, me included, say we have the free will to make a mess of things, but we also have the free will to seek His will for our lives. If we heard and followed well, we might have the best spouse – but there will always be some doubt.

If you believe the first, then it’s settled – you have the best, and you just need to walk it out. For the rest, the scary reality is you might not have the one woman who would have been the very best wife we could have. However, that was then, and both you and this mystery woman have changed so that you are no longer the perfect match – so let that go. Beyond that, we know from the Bible that it is God’s will for us to remain married if possible. Yes I think there are a very few situations where divorce is allowed (allowed, not required – there is a difference), but even when it is allowed it should be the last ditch, nothing works and I just can’t live this way choice. The vast majority of folks who divorce today are not even close to that!

I think the horrible divorce rate is due in large part to the huge number of choices we see, the vast number of other people to whom we could be married. People start looking at what could have been, or what could be, and that results in growing dissatisfaction with what they have. It starts to seem that starting over would be easier. It feels like the problems are mostly on her part, so if you could start with another woman you would have it so much better.

Please know that all of these are lies! The rate of divorce for second marriages is even worse than for first marriages. Statistically, the more times you try, the less likely you are to get it right. Statistically, you have a better chance of a good marriage with the woman who is now your wife than with any other woman in the world.

My advice is to accept that for better or worse this is the marriage you have. Rather than imaging how it would be better with another, focus on what you can do to make this marriage better. Rather than hedging your bets or holding back, go all in; give your marriage everything you have, work at it like your very life depends on it! It’s amazing what happens when a husband decides to give his marriage all his time and attention – try it and see.

A final note: If you are thinking of divorcing with someone in mind to be your next wife, you are very certainly in the wrong place. THAT IS NOT GOD! If you are thinking of divorce, you need to be open to the possibility of never remarrying. You most certainly need to be free of any thoughts of dating. Divorce hurts people, and there is a necessary grieving process to go through. Rebound relationships are almost always ugly. Moreover, divorce changes people in various ways. If you divorce, you will not be the same person after the divorce that you are now, and that means the “best” possible spouse for you is not the same as it was before.

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Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

 

Black and Married with Kids

Do You Treat Your Marriage Like A Real Job?: Do you give your wife as much respect as you give your co-workers?


Hot, Holy and Humorous

Rainy Days and Ugly Days Always Get Me Down: Two reasons to click this one: 1) to better understand your wife’s body image struggles, and 2) to see a really ugly little dog.


”husband”, a user’s guide”

We’re Being Replaced?: “Don’t become an app!”


Intimacy in Marriage

Sex at the In-Laws? Is this a Good Idea?: A great article, and a good conversation starter if you need to discuss this with your bride.


Marriage Gems

Fun Date Night Ideas for Married Couples: I doubt anyone will like all of these, but the variety is great to get you thinking about better dates.


Marriage Life

The Grass is NEVER Greener: Speaking of that green grass …
Shoot the “Yeahbuts”: This is a MUST READ!


One Flesh Marriage

Sex is the Glue: Great post – especially coming from a lady.
Sex on the Brain: Brad shares why sex is glue, and how to make it better.


Refresh |MarriageToday

The Power of Listening: If you are an “Uh-huh” guy, you NEED to read this.


The Romantic Vineyard

Mark Your Calendar: I share this for Debi’s bit at the top. Read about a wise man who knows his wife, and how to meet her needs.
WHY Is It Important To Study Your Spouse?: A perfect follow up to the above.
Staying Current: Are you current with your bride?


Safe at home

A Different Kind of Christmas For Your Family: A great idea, and a great way to show kids what Christmas is supposed to be all about.


Stupendous Marriage

What do you control at the Holidays?: Don’t waste effort on things you can not control!
Irreconcilable Differences is a Silly Excuse for Divorce: Very true!
This is Who God Says I Am…And You Too: As Stu says, “…it is really important to know WHO we are in our marriage.”
What I learned from a Piano Recital : Challenge your fears!
Stupendous Marriage Show 021: Husbands with Low Sex Drive and Reaping what you Sow: The wining hand show!

21 Comments on “My bride is okay, but I think I could have done better …

  1. So if you get guys to stop leaving, that might address 1/4 to 1/3rd of the divorces.

    It’s not guys leaving that is the cause of the vast majority of divorces. It will be great if they wouldn’t do this, but it’s a minority of the entire sample space of divorces.

    So the question I have is why preach this to the guys when it’s not guys who are ending most marriages?

  2. @Tony – As I have said several times, my audience is primarily men. So I speak to men. Besides, if I am addressing 25% of divorces, that is huge, and in my mind well worth my time and effort.

  3. While I applaud your personal conviction, the truth of the matter is: people function at their own level of enlightenment. Circumstances of each marriage obviously differs and the TWO people involved should decide what’s best for them without external mandates. Ill judgement on whether someone chooses divorce versus staying married is not righteous, is it?

    • @IAAMM – I come at this as a follower of Jesus, and as such it’s His judgement, not mine.

      Beyond that there is growing solid evidence that divorce is bad for people, and for society as whole. This is especially true if the couple has children, but true even when they don’t. Divorce has a social cost, and a financial cost to society just as any disease does. Seems to me this means society has both a right and an obligation to be involved.

      • Paul, what really worries you? Social and financial costs? Like what? Are you assuming that a divorcee can’t make it on his/her own? What about the abused woman or the neglected kids within the marriage? Should they remain a family? Most couples get married with the intent of it lasting a lifetime…things happen.

        • @IAAMM –
          1) The costs of divorce on children are extreme and life long (http://bit.ly/vVSmoF). Beyond that we know that divorce is a hug financial strain for most women, and a physical and mental health issues for men.

          2) I’ve been pretty clear on abuse being a reason to separate.

          3) As to intent, a few recent studies have shown that most high school students expect to get divorced at least once. Additionally, so called starter or trial marriages have been getting some press of late. The idea is a marriage of less than five years, without children, as a way of learning how to have a good marriage. Very few go into it planning to end it, but a growing number see ending it as a strong option or possibility. And while such a divorce is less harmful (in large part because there are no children) it does still do harm. Among other things, those already divorce once have a greater, not a lesser, chance of getting divorced again.

          Yes, things happen. When divorce is a drastic, last ditch option, people tend to work a LOT harder to get past things. When divorce seems easy, folks are less likely to put in the effort.

          Here’s the bottom line: even when a divorce is necessary and right, it is still like amputating a limb. I want everyone to understand that, to know it’s the truth. If that message was clear, we would have fewer divorces. We would also have a lot more thought put into getting married.

  4. Good stuff. I like what you had to say. You alluded to what is so often the case. My next wife will be . . . and she will make me happy. Yes, and you are still the same old you which did not do so well at being a husband the last time. I wonder of those 25% looking to get out of their current marriage and then remarry how many are confessing there fault in the divorce?

  5. I guess I’m asking how this helps the other 75% of divorced guys. You know, the ones who did NOT choose to divorce, but were given one anyway.

    I do agree with one thing, if I end up divorced again, apparently that indicates that I’m not husband material and I’ll take that as a sign of such.

    Not just those who choose divorce should consider that, but those who are divorced against their will may never be good enough to be a Godly husband to some woman. No matter how hard he tries, prays, goes to therapy, seeks mentors or whatever.

    He may just not be good enough, and should resign himself that God is telling him that he isn’t husband material.

    • @Tony – I am not writing to those who are divorced, unless they are looking to figure out what went wrong and how they might avoid the same thing if they marry again.

      There are ministries out there for those who are standing for their marriages after divorce, and others for those trying to recover from divorce. They do those things far better than I would, and I try to stay focused on what God has called me to. Given the undiagnosed ADD (if I was younger my blood in school would have been 10% Ritalin!) that’s not an easy task!

      • I looked over at your wife’s blog. I searched for the term divorce. I didn’t see where she was telling the ladies to knock it off.

        How do we address this issue if we are only telling 1/4 of those who are choosing divorce to stop choosing it?

        Who is going to tell the other 3/4s to stop choosing it if the church isn’t? Certainly not society. The societal message is if you are not happy, it’s your spouses fault, so get rid of your spouse.

        • Tony, I’m with you. We all try things in life. That’s part of living and learning. If things don’t go according to plan, then whose to say we can’t change them. Everything ain’t for everybody. We should be able to choose without the feelings of guilt or without being condemned.

        • @Tony – I found a half a dozen references to divorce on TGW over the last year -0 and non of them was suggesting it should be done!

          The other thing here is that you seem to think who files for divorce is proof of who is more wrong in the marriage. I most certainly do not agree with you on that. If spouse a man or woman files because their spouse is committing adultery, does that make the on who said “enough” wrong? What if the person files because they are tired of being beaten? What if it’s abuse of their children? What if the spouse has refused to have sex for years, and won’t even think about getting help?

          Sure, people get tired of trying, or find someone else they think they love and divorce for those reasons, but it’s not the only reason.

          I agree the church has a vital role to play in this. Part of that is saying what I am saying to men to both men and women. Another part of it is getting into the lives and marriages of people and addressing sins and abuses before they lead to divorce. If I have read what you have said correctly, this was a factor for you – the church was unwilling to address her sin. Of course it probably goes back further than that, I would think it probable you both made smaller mistakes that the church ignored. The church needs to address all marital problems and sins, not just the big ones. Most folks don’t just jump into adultery for no reason, it’s usually a result of a long chain of events, and breaking that chain early is far easier than doing it later.

        • @TGH, No one is saying the one filing is the bigger sinner. In fact, scripture tells us if we’ve broken one part of the law, we’ve broken it all. So even if worldly calculus were applied and the one on the receiving end of the divorce is the bigger sinner (again, world’s standard, not God’s) we know that God doesn’t see it that way.

          So why even bother with who is more guilty and more “justified” to file for divorce? We certainly agree that God doesn’t see it that way.

          But let’s stay with the world’s calculus since that’s your assertion. I believe it’s been said here, and if not here in one of the many fine blogs you link on Sundays. The majority of divorces are NOT for gross marital misconduct, but rather for things that can be addressed. Basically things like this article suggest, that someone thinks they can find a better spouse. The grass is greener… they married the “wrong” spouse. (Few look at themselves and ask if they are “the wrong spouse.”)

          I’m guessing the search function doesn’t work on TGW because when I searched for the term divorce, I didn’t find anything that even hinted at telling the ladies they are choosing divorce two or three times more often than husbands and they should knock it off.

          It doesn’t mean she didn’t say it, it simply means when I searched, I didn’t find it there.

          My point is you keep telling men to knock it off when it comes to thinking the grass is greener. I’m thinking that if they are not the majority of those choosing to jump because they think the grass is greener, then it’s not going to make as big a difference than if you told the ones who are choosing to jump the fence in numbers double to triple that of men.

          It sure would be nice if all it took was to have better men and things would get better. I’ve tried that, it didn’t make things better. I think we need some better women to go along with (in every sense of what that phrase means) the better men.

          I’m not finding this is happening. I simply see more blaming men, and discounting of the husband’s role in marriage. I see folks saying men are not as relational and they don’t care as much about family and relationships.

          The truth is men bring a DIFFERENT focus to marriage. Not inferior, not any less valuable than their wives.

          So when is the typical church going to get serious about both sides of the marital equation?

        • “Who is going to tell the other 3/4s to stop choosing [divorce] if the church isn’t?”

          There are probably several dozen women’s blogs on marriage for every one out there for men. There are many, many voices out there trying to help women be better wives and build better marriages. Very few for men.

          I would ask why that is, but honestly I think it’s because women are so relational and they want their marriages to work. (Yes, you have some selfish gals, some messed up gals, etc. but the vast majority want success in their marriage.)

          And just practically speaking, women know the score where divorce is concerned. For most women, the choice to divorce is a painful one where they know they and their children will suffer. The stats are clear.

          Just being upfront here, please don’t nag me about it. My style of blog is unique to me and my readership. I’m not going to browbeat my gals over divorce. I’m just going to keep encouraging them to listen to God, become who He designed them to be and grow their marriage. Generosity rocks.

          Lori <
          P.S. My search turned up a number of links to divorce on The Generous Wife.

  6. @TGW, thanks for weighing in.

    There are many talking about divorce, but how many are telling women that they need to knock it off, in language that would actually reach them?

    After all, isn’t that what the church is telling men, knock it off?

    You say women are relational. OK, and so are men. It may be expressed differently, but ultimately BOTH men and women are relational.

    For the record, I didn’t nag you, I said I searched your blog for an instance where you said women divorce two to three times as often as do men and women need to stop doing that, and I didn’t find it.

    I’m sorry if you find the results of my search to be nagging.

  7. Tony, I have a marriage blog for women, and maybe this is what you’re looking for.. Perhaps I didn’t come out with fists flying as much as you would want, but remember who my audience is. I’m trying to convince women, not yell at them. There is a difference.

    I agree with you that many women divorce unnecessarily and wrongly, but I also know many women who have filed because their husbands have left, but they refuse to do the paperwork, and the women need stability with the kids. So it isn’t as straightforward as statistics make it seem.

    And for the record, I find both TGW and TGH speak up for marriage well!

    As for this post, I’d say that for a marriage to work, we need to realize it’s not about marrying the right person as much as it is about becoming the right person!

    Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum!

    • I certainly don’t want women yelled at. I simply want the double standard to end.

      Men are the minority when it comes to ending marriages, yet they face the majority of the criticism when a marriage ends.

      Men are the ones told not to leave, but by and large, men are not the ones leaving. At least not voluntarily.

      Men are just as relational as women, but we are told men are not. The differences in how men and women approach relationships are not considered. Instead, we are simply told that men don’t value relationships as much as women.

      I agree, it’s about being the right person. The right person doesn’t walk out. The right person doesn’t make excuses for walking out. They don’t blame the other when they choose to end the relationship.

      As we’ve seen time and time again, the majority of divorces don’t involve gross marital misconduct. That’s not just the majority of divorces filed by men, it’s the majority of divorces.

      So while the situations you describe happen, the stats tell us that those are the exception, not the rule. Just like the message to men here, by and large the women who are ending their marriages are simply looking to get a better husband.

      Yet when I ask to have women called on this, just like we call men on it, it’s suggested (wrongly) that I want women yelled at.

      Did I say that? Of course not. Unless you call what is written here yelling at men, I’m not calling for anything other than holding wives to the same standards we are holding husbands. If men are behaving badly, they need to be called on it. Since women engage in this same behavior even more frequently, doesn’t it stand to reason that we should call them on the carpet for the same things we are calling men on, yet they don’t do it as often?

      So how are you doing convincing women? Are they choosing divorce less or more? Are they valuing their husbands contributions, or discounting them? Do women accept that they are no better and no worse equipped for relationships than their husbands? Do they realize they are equipped differently, but not less, nor more importantly than their husbands?

      Or is it more, women are victims, and men are the problems and if we would just fix the men who walk out, or who are judged to not be there emotionally. (Notice I said judged, because if you discount the contribution, you effectively treat them as if they are not there.)

      What about the lie that men have more affairs? Really, are they having affairs with other men? Certainly those women sleeping with the married guy, regardless their marital status, have to know that he is not her husband?

      Why do we treat his sin as worse than hers? God certainly doesn’t treat his sin differently. So why do we as humans think we can place relative values on sin. It’s no less destructive to the family if she’s not married, so why do I keep reading about how it’s worse because he made a vow, but perhaps she didn’t?

      Besides, married women have affairs with single guys, and I’d hold him accountable regardless his marital status, so why does the guy’s affair partner get a sort of pass if she’s not married?

      Is God going to say, that’s OK? Of course not, so why the double standard?

      • @Tony

        1) Just because women file more divorces does not mean “Men are the minority when it comes to ending marriages.” If you see filing of divorce as the end, you are missing a lot of important facts.

        2) Men are not as relational as women, and there is a huge body of brain science to back that up. And this is part of the problem – most men are willing to remain in a “marriage” which has no relationship to it, while many women are not. Basically women leave more because many men have very low standards for marriage.

        3) We’ve gone around on the adultery issue, before, and if I recall correctly you called cited studies wrong without giving any proof other than some mathematical claim that only works if no one ever has sex with more than two people.

        4) I could care less about who a man or woman has an affair with. The person who cheats is the one who has broken their marriage vow. The one they cheated with is certainly in sin, but they have no relationship much less a vow with their lover’s spouse.

        Tony, it seems to me that you are angry and you want someone to pay. Maybe that’s dead wrong, but it’s what comes across in what you write.

      • @TGH,

        The person who files for divorce is saying with their actions they do not wish to continue in the marriage. So why paint this as anything other than it is, an expression of no longer being willing to remain married to the person they are choosing to divorce.

        As you say in this blog, it’s not God’s will to divorce. You’ve also indicated that most divorces filed are due to things that can be fixed, not the marital misconduct you cite when making excuses for why women might file for divorce. The grass is not greener for either men or women.

        So I simply wish you would pick a standard and stick with it. You tell guys it’s not God’s will and that the grass is not greener. But when it’s suggested that women follow the same advices since they are choosing divorce in number 2x to 3x as often as men, you seem to want to minimize the impact of those choices, offering speculative excuses for why they might be doing that.

        But if guys offered the same sort of excuses, I doubt you would accept them based on what I’ve read from you.

        So why the double standard?

        #2, saying men are not as relational is like saying linebackers are not as athletic as quarterbacks. Just because men and women have different brain wiring, different roles, and different strengths and weaknesses does not mean they are not as relational.

        If you are measuring relationships solely on the basis of how women do relationships, then yes, men would be found lacking. But turn it around and measure women based on how men do relationships and you would find women lacking in the desire and effort in relationships.

        You don’t measure a quarterback by the number of tackles he makes, and you don’t measure linebackers by yards passing. The same is true for men and women. After all, if you believe God gave each of them different roles, then how could you accept that we measure men and women by the same relationship metrics? Or even the same physical metrics, such as brain wiring. Therefore, just as both quarterbacks and linebackers play football, if you watched them, you would find they do different things. You can have different roles in both relationships and football, and still be playing football or be engaged in a relationship without each player doing exactly the same thing.

        As I’ve said before, if you measure men and men and women as women, you’ll find they are equally committed to their relative roles in the marital relationship. But if you measure men’s participation by if they go to the bathroom in groups, you’ll find they don’t measure up to that faulty metric.

        #3. Isn’t sex only with your spouse God’s standard? Again, why hold only men to God’s standard?

        #4. Both parties in any affair are breaking the marriage vow. The vow is before God. It’s God’s law. So there is no “out” if one of them is not married. The damage to the betrayed spouse is not less if the man my ex-wife had her affair with was single. He still betrayed my marriage. He knew she was married and he had an affair with her anyway.

        It really didn’t matter to me if he was single or married, the damage is the same. It makes it that much more difficult to restore the marriage if the affair partner remains involved.

        Not one bit of the damage to the marriage done by the affair depends on the marital status of the affair partner. He (or she in the case of a man betraying his wife) was a willing co-conspirator in an act that is immensely destructive to the marriage relationship.

        I’m not the one to decide how much someone should pay. I simply know that divorce is destructive to families. I know that men are not choosing the vast majority of divorces. I know that most marriages are not filed due to gross marital misconduct.

        I’m pretty confident that telling men to stop choosing divorce will have a much smaller impact than spending the same time, talent and treasure on addressing the two to three times larger number of women choosing to end their marriages.

        I agree, men should not choose to divorce their wives. But I also believe that even if every man took that advice today, and not a single man chooses divorce from today onward, you would only reduce divorce by about 25%. That would leave 75% of the current divorce rating remaining.

  8. @Tony – In the OT, if a person committed adultery, they were to be stoned. The surviving spouse was free to remarry without having to have done anything. Today we don’t stone adultery, so the wronged spouse much divorce if they don’t choose to try to make it work. Biblically the adultery ended the marriage covenant, and divorce is just a civil action to bring the legal reality into line with the spiritual reality.

    Beyond that, there are those, both male and female, who are happy to have their cake and eat it too – cheat, or ignore even the most basic things a spouse should do, and still get the “benefits” off being married. Such a person is “no longer being willing to remain married”, and again, divorce is a recognition of that.

    There is no double standard here Tony, I say the same thing to women when they are my audience. Look at TMB, we hit both sides the same. But as I have said repeatedly, my audience here is men. If a man’s wife wants to divorce him, telling that guy she is wrong is no help – it will do nothing to save the marriage. Telling your spouse it’s a sin to divorce does not help, and it usually just sets them more on the path to divorce. When I talk to those who may be facing a divorce by their spouse, I talk about what they can do to prevent that. That means understanding why their spouse wants to leave, and looking for ways to change things. I suppose in a way it is blaming the spouse, but it’s also giving them some chance to stop the divorce. Again, no double standard – if a woman writes saying her husband wants a divorce, I try to find out why he wants the divorce, and what she can do to change that.

    #2 Relationship is not simply a matter of how men and women do it. The part of the brain involved in relationships is larger in women, just as the part of the brain involved in spatial relations is larger in men (both as a whole, there are rare exceptions). Women are better at reading emotions, at empathy, and at hearing the real issues buried in things. Women do these things better naturally, and they tend to get a lot more training and practice.

    Think of it this way, a man and woman with no sexual experience get married and hop into bed. The man will almost certainly enjoy sex, including having orgasm, from the start, while the woman will have to learn how to fully enjoy it, and how to climax. In the same way the woman will find connection and relationship easy and natural, while the man will have to work at it.

    Bottom line, God made men and women different, and this is one of those differences. For a man to expect a woman to “do relationship” like he does would be like a newlywed wife expecting her husband to do sex as she does – complete with no climax.

    #3 – Now you are just putting words in my mouth – words you know full well I have never said. You keep saying the adultery statistics are a lie, but you don’t back that up with anything other than you opinion.

    For the record: adultery is wrong, no matter who does it, or who they do it with. Adultery ends the marriage, and frees the other spouse to divorce and remarry. I don’t think that “allowance” is an indication God wants there to be a divorce, but Jesus was clear about the option being there.

    #4 I have no idea what you mean by no out if one is not married. I certainly have not suggested such an out. I don’t think I have ever said anything about the other man or woman being married or not, so I don’t know what you are talking about here.

    As to your 66% stat – it’s accurate, but there is more to it. The rate was 60% female in the country prior to no-fault divorces, so that means a lot of women were able to prove adultery, abuse or abandonment. As for now, one study puts about 20% of divorce because of male adultery, and only 7% because of female adultery. It also puts 17% off to domestic violence, which is almost all men against women. Addictions are another 6%, with men being at least 75% of that. So, if you eliminate all adultery, addiction and violence causes from the stats, you find that the remaining divorces are right are 50/50 (actually slightly more by men).

    So, if we assume I am unlikely to say anything that will change abuse, addiction or adultery (a sad but safe bet) then by hitting “men only” I am hitting half the problem in terms of who files.

    But wait, there’s more! I saw an interesting article, which suggested that some people who want a divorce try to get their spouse to file. It said that men are better able to do this because they are physically stronger, tend to have more control over money, and are emotionally better able to protect themselves from the turmoil of the marriage. It was further suggested that women are far more likely to file for divorce because they feel their kids are being harmed (physically, emotionally or sexually) and that women are more likely to file thinking it gives them a better chance of getting full custody than if he files.

    The bottom line is this – while women do file more often, if we look at why divorces happen we find that men are more guilty more often. If you want me to deal with the gender who has the better ability to end more divorces, if you want me to hit those who have the greatest power of choice, than that would be the men, no doubt about it. However, that is not how I am motivated – I am more about doing what I feel God had called me to do, with those I feel He has given me. I will continue to pray for others to do the same, and for some of those to be called to hit the places I am not.

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