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One place where standards and expectations can be especially harmful is in the bedroom. Because sex is so personal, our sexual standards and expectations feel very personal. When those expectations are not met, or our standards are violated, it can wound us deeply.

It’s easy to see why you feel hurt when this happens between you and your bride, but have you ever thought about the fact that she is also suffering from the clash of expectations? She is also feeling wounded. When she says no to something, does not enjoy something, or wants something you don’t want, she is acting or reacting from her standards and expectations. This means the situation hurts her just as it hurts you. Any anger or disappointment on your part only adds to her injury, and none of that is helping her want to change.

Another common problem is that the wife initially goes along with something she does not like, or that violates her standards. This is especially true when a couple becomes sexual before marriage, but it can also happen if a couple avoided premarital sex. Women are, on the whole, more likely than men to “go along to get along” and that gets them into sex they don’t really want or enjoy. A few months, or years, later when she gets the courage to say something her husband is understandably upset that she is “trying to change the rules”. He feels betrayed, or lied to, or wonders why she has changed. In reality, she has not changed her standards; she has only decided to stand up for them.

If you are having serious sexual problems because of a clash of standards and expectations, I suggest you scale back to very basic sex. Simple foreplay, a common position, and your hand or mouth, as she desires, should she need that to climax. Go back to basics, and do just that for a while. Yes, I know it seems like a huge sacrifice to you, and yes, I know it will seem boring. However, this will help you to both get a clearer picture, and it can help to reset your sex life.

If doing things she did not like has harmed her sexually, going back to basic sex should help her. If frequency has been a problem, basic sex may help that as well. If going back to basics does not result in any changes, you have shown that there is a problem beyond your sexual preferences. In this way going to the basics is a good diagnostic tool, and helps you show her that she has an issue, or issues, that need attention.

If going to basic sex brings about a good change, don’t be in too big a hurry to add to the basics. Give her time to adjust and learn to want and enjoy sex. You can also learn to enjoy sex more during this time. Eventually you can discuss adding things to your sex life. Start with something you both feel good about, and add things slowly, building on the solid base you have created.

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3 Comments on “Sexpectations

  1. one of the BEST article reg expectations in sex! Please, do not give up writing!!! Can you suggest any books on this topics?

  2. Good topic.

    I just wanted to add that I belive those expectations can come from things we have seen, or done with others in life.

    It can be hard to accept that your wife/bride may or may not want to do something sexually that you may find exciting.

    One of the best things to do is to think about why you want to try something, if its from something that you saw/thought from seeing a third party activity, then you may want to discuss it very heavily and see her view before being upset with her.

    Another thing to keep in mind is that we all change, what she may not like today, she may like tommorow!

    • @Christopher – I would agree most of it is from some other source. In and of it’s self that’s not a problem, but if it results in the desire getting big that is often a problem.

      You are right that discussing is a must, and giving her a chance to think about it is often a big help.

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