Talking as Foreplay – Better Sex in 2012

Today the first guest post in the Better Sex in 2012 series. This comes from Sheila Wray Gregoire of to Love Honor and Vacuum. I love what Sheila does, and how she does it. Sheila is my answer for those of you who think I’m too hard on men and too easy on wives!

Couple talking in bed © Wavebreakmedia Ltd |
This is foreplay? Are you sure?

I love almost everything about being a woman. Everything, that is, except being a multitasker. I am completely incapable of doing only one thing at a time. And that’s one reason why we women have a difficult time savoring our men in the bedroom. Even if we want to.

Take this scenario: you climb into bed one night with that glint in your eye. Your wife walks in the bedroom and grins at your “come hither” look. She scatters her clothes as she saunters towards you. You start smooching and touching and everything’s going great, when all of a sudden she pushes you away and asks,

“Do you think Michelle should drop piano? She just isn’t enjoying it and it’s costing us $20 a week in lessons, and a whole Tuesday night. We could take that money and go to a movie as a family and spend quality time together instead!”

What happened to your quality time, you wonder? You were all gearing up to go someplace, and your wife has now put the brakes on. You sigh, roll back on your pillow, and listen for the next ten minutes as your naked beloved explains the issues with the piano teacher, and the problems with Michelle joining a praise team, and speaking of the church, do you think Davy is fitting in to the new youth group? And we really should have your mom in for dinner because she’s pretty upset given the anniversary of your dad’s death is coming up.

Oh, yeah, you really wanted to talk about Dad’s death tonight instead of just getting it on. But what’s occurring in this bedroom? Has your wife, who just a minute go was hot for you, suddenly grown cold?

That’s what it may look like, but looks can be deceiving. So allow this multitasking cursed woman to explain to you one-track minded men what’s really happening.

Many times when I snuggle up to my husband I have every intention of letting things take their natural course. But what’s natural for men is not always natural for me. Because I’m a woman, I have to concentrate in order to enjoy sex. My body doesn’t suddenly spring into action the way my husband’s does. I have to get myself in the mood, anticipate what we’re doing, and concentrate if it’s going to feel good. Sex, you see, is mostly in my head.

And if there’s too much other stuff rolling around in my head, my body won’t be able to get in the game. Part of getting ready for the big event, then, is to empty my head of all the stuff that’s rattling around in there. When I can get it out, I can let other stuff in. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t really understand this about myself when I first got married. I thought that when I lost focus in bed, that I actually didn’t want to get romantic. The reverse was true. When I started to make love, my mind went into overdrive. It realized, “uh oh. She wants me to concentrate on sex, so I’ve got to try to expel all this other stuff that’s in here.” And it all hit full force.

My husband used to grow resentful at my monologues mid-foreplay, but one night he decided just to listen to me. And when I was all done, he started kissing me again, and everything went great! So now we try to be proactive about talking, and take a walk after dinner, or take a bath together, or just chat after the kids are in bed. I’m not looking for him to solve my problems; I just need to relieve the pressure.

Next time your wife starts talking a mile a minute in the middle of making love, then, don’t take it personally. For us multitaskers, talking is the best foreplay. You just may find afterwards that she actually wants to concentrate on you!

Sheila Wray Gregoire © Sheila Wray GregoireSheila Wray Gregoire blogs everyday at Her new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, launches next month. Join her at To Love, Honor and Vacuum everyday in February for 29 Days of Great Sex!

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6 Comments on “Talking as Foreplay – Better Sex in 2012

  1. This is so amazing and so true. Thanks for sharing and definitely a printer for the husband. I certainly enjoy your website.

  2. Great advice, Sheila! I concur. My mind can wander all over the place – schedules, groceries, laundry, schoolwork, etc. I think talking a bit more (and listening on hubby’s part) might help solve that problem…

  3. Ha, just happened yesterday. Poor hubby didn’t know what to do so thank you for explaining how my brain works.

  4. This post will probably be a light bulb moment for many a man (and woman) alike. It draws a dotted line connection to the already proven truth that couples need to communicate and that men need to provide a sense of security, be helpful and safety for their wives. If there is nothing to clutter our precious multitaskers minds, they are open for other things.

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