Sex and the not yet single man

This is the seventh part in a series for men facing divorce. See parts one, two, three, four, five, six, eight, nine and ten.

Office flirting © Elena Rostunova |

Hearing “I want a divorce” does not shut down the sex drive of the average man. He still has desire, still struggles with lust, and still wants sex with the woman he married. It’s a difficult issue, and there are no easy, clear rules of engagement. Here are some thoughts to get you started:

  • Please, DO NOT let this be an opportunity for porn and lust to take over your mind. Know it is going to be a battle and determine you won’t go there.
  • If you are still sharing a house, sex may help to hold you together.
  • If sex has been an issue, pushing for it now will only make things worse.
  • Sex after a divorce is final is extra-marital sex, and thus sin. I know this kind of “post-marriage” sex is very common, and I get why. However, aside from the sin issue, it’s satisfying and thus quieting a desire that could drive her to reconcile. DO NOT be her ex with benefits while she looks for a new husband!
  • If you a living apart, but the divorce is not final, it may not be sin to have sex, but it may be a case of not letting her deal with the ramifications of her choices. Letting her learn no marriage means no sex may be a good thing. If she asks for sex, or tries to start something, a simple “I hope we can make our marriage work so we can have sex again” would get the message across. Deciding not to have sex also means she cannot use it to manipulate you.
  • Her having an affair does not justify you having one, and it will only further reduce the chances of salvaging the marriage.
  • Masturbation is a subject on which Christians have far more opinions than scripture. My feeling is masturbation is not sinful, while what goes on in the mind may or may not be. If you can do it free of porn and thoughts of women other than your wife (if you are not yet divorced) I don’t see any sin in it. It’s not what you want, but some men find it makes it far easier to resist temptation.

If you have a healthy sex drive, it’s going to be a problem as you navigate the places between marriage and divorce. It’s going to tempt you to do stupid things, and it’s going to tempt you to have sex with your wife when it may not be the best thing to do. Be aware of all this up front, and make choices before you are confronted by your wife half-naked or a co-worker’s flirting.

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One Comment on “Sex and the not yet single man

  1. The series for men facing divorce, is full of good information.
    I have been married 32 years and find that the posts are something the church should be using. Marriage is a choice that takes prayer and work, to make it successful.

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