The grey area between reasonable and unreasonable

Glasses that make everything grey. © Osipovfoto |

Maybe this is just me – but I doubt it. In theory, everything should either be reasonable or unreasonable, right? However, certain things exist in my mind some place between those black and white choices. 

For example, it seems reasonable for your bride to ask you to take out the trash, it does not feel unreasonable not to do it, and it feels unreasonable if she comments on you not doing it. Or, it does not seem reasonable to expect her to have sex when she is dead tired, but you still find yourself upset she is unwilling.

My guess is these grey areas show us places where our reason and our desires are in conflict. We know better, but our selfishness colours how we look at things.

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3 Comments on “The grey area between reasonable and unreasonable

  1. Hi Paul, thanks for the great tip. This ties in with something that was said right in the beginning of ‘The Love Dare’: Don’t follow your heart – lead it! This kind of approach to ‘grey areas’ gives our reason a chance to lead our hearts in stead of us being governed by our emotions. I’ve experienced this a lot, especially when I’ve set my heart on something or been misunderstood. It’s then that LOVE really talks in our responses (or non-responses!) to tough situations. I’m enjoying your blog! Blessings on your marriage and your ministry.

  2. I have come to understand in my life, that these gray areas happen when I allow myself to become selfish. I has become my test of how much I love my wife. Since selfishness is the opposite of true love, I have come to see these times as an assessment of my love. I’d like to think I love her with all my heart, but when these gray areas arise, it is a reality check for me. It causes me to fall on my knees before God in prayer asking the Spirit to search my heart – again.

  3. has something that addresses this. It’s the Policy of Joint Agreement. (No I’m not suggesting mutual submission, I can hear it now…)

    Basically, you don’t do something unless you both agree. So it’s not about what you think is reasonable or unreasonable, or what she thinks is reasonable or unreasonable. It’s what you both agree upon.

    You go grocery shopping. One of you wants organic veggies, the other doesn’t want to pay the premium for organic. What do you do? You work towards a mutual agreement. You each ask the other what it would take to go along with the choice. What is the objection to the Organics? Cost, negotiate something like getting some things organic, or eliminating other costs from the shopping cart. I.E. if costs are a concern, then would you agree to organics if I eliminate this bottle of wine, or whatever it might be.

    The other way might be, instead of organics, how about we choose regular vegetables and eat more fruits, veggies, nuts, etc and fewer processed foods?

    Instead of focusing on what you or she thinks is reasonable or unreasonable, get into what she is trying to accomplish and see if you can find common ground that you both will enthusiastically agree about.

    it’s not about what is reasonable or unreasonable. It’s about mutually supporting one another.

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