Helping Her Turn Off and Turn On – Better Sex in 2012

This is a guest post from a woman known to the world as “J”

What's on his mind © Odua |
What’s on his mind

Here’s a statement that continues to astound me: Men can think about nothing.

As a woman, the concept of my mind being empty is as alien as me growing horns or taking over the world. Ain’t gonna happen.

But, as we know, the brain is a very important sex organ. For most wives, the ability to engage fully in sex is dependent on her ability to X each of those other pop-up windows that compete for her attention. Some women have trained themselves to do this fairly easily, and for other women it’s like trying to ignore schizophrenic voices – it’s hard.

Anything a husband can do to remove one or more of his wife’s concerns or to-do’s will help her turn off the other channels and focus solely on the Love & Sex Channel. Here’s a list of possibilities. What will help your wife most is personal.

Do the dishes, fold the laundry, vacuum the living room, etc. Whatever the outstanding chore is, surprise her by getting there first. That will leave you two more time to be together, as well as showing your appreciation for her.

Offer to the put the kids to bed . . . and make sure they stay there. This could give your wife time to recharge her battery for time with you, and most wives find good fathering to be a very attractive characteristic. As for the “stay there” admonition, remember that putting young children to bed can be like playing a whack-a-mole game: Just when you think they’re down, they’re back up.

Straighten up the bedroom so your love nest isn’t filled with “Oh yeah, I have to ________ [do laundry] [pay bills] [make a Halloween costume from fabric scraps]” reminders. It can just be a place to relax and enjoy one another.

Take care of the birth control yourself. Maybe it’s just this once, but it’s one less thing for her to think about.

Let her have ten minutes or so to tell you about her day. Of course, this shouldn’t go on forever or be a complaint-fest with you as the punching bag. However, women can store a lot of pent-up stress or positive energy from the goings-on of the day, and verbalizing them can be like poking a hole in the balloon. Once deflated, she can move on to other things . . . like you.

Give her a back or body massage. It’s awfully hard for a woman to concentrate on lovemaking when she has a crick in her shoulder from holding your five-month infant for two hours or soreness in her legs from doing step aerobics with the George Patton of exercise leading the class. Or maybe she is simply tense from juggling all of those proverbial plates. But grab a little lotion or massage oil and work it into her skin and muscles to help her refocus on the positive sensations of her body.

Tell Her She’s Beautiful. Unfortunately, plenty of women have stray messages of self-doubt running through their brains. If a woman doesn’t feel good about herself and her body, she can spend moments in bed wondering if her appearance really pleases you. Thoughts about her physical shortcomings or feelings of unsexiness can crowd her mind, making it almost impossible to enjoy the experience and let you enjoy her body. Reassure your wife that she is gorgeous to you. Mention specifics. The Song of Songs has wonderful passages with the lovers detailing by body part what they love about each other. It’s a great model to follow. The more confident a wife feels that she is beautiful, the more she can shut off those “not pretty enough” voices.

We gals aren’t trying to be complicated. In fact, one of the things I love about having an orgasm is that in that one climactic moment, my brain is focused like a laser beam on the sensation and it is the only thought I have. It’s like nirvana to be so mentally free!

The brain traffic is simply how God made us. The ability to juggle so many thoughts makes most women good multi-taskers and helps us to manage the roles we have. But it can be a drawback when we need to focus on our mate in the bedroom. Help a wife out. Make it easier for her when you can.

Hot, Holy & Humorous LogoJ is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She blogs anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.

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26 Comments on “Helping Her Turn Off and Turn On – Better Sex in 2012

  1. Doing any of these things with the objective of getting sex is a recipe for disaster though. You should do these things just to be a better husband, and your marriage will get better. Thinking “dishes done” plus “kids in bed” equals sex is a mistake.

    The best recipe: Read and discuss 1 cor 7: 2-6. Come to an agreement about what that means to your marriage. If you are both Christian and come to a mutual understanding of Gods intent for sex in marriage, and live in his will, the result will be astonishing to the both of you.

    • Love Letters – I agree that expecting tit for tat (sorry) is a bad plan. However, if you know she is willing but too busy, stressed, or tired, looking for ways to deal with those to make it easier for her to have sex is not a bad thing – as long as you don’t say “I did the dishes, you owe me sex!”

      • I agree. It definitely shouldn’t be approached like bartering. In fact, I tell wives to stop that thinking! Ugh.

        I’m simply trying to give some pragmatic ideas for helping your wife clear her mind if that is a barrier for her regarding intimacy. Thanks for the comment!

  2. Done all the above, nothing changes in my marriage. 2-6 times a year. It’s awful

      • Understandably frustrating, Jeff. I suspect your wife has other barriers getting in the way of her engaging and enjoying sex with you. I’ll pray for your situation.

        Continue in love, prayer, and communication. I know several couples for whom things improved drastically in this area, even after it seemed hopeless.

  3. I love the article but I have to disagree w comment. Doing dishes, taking out garbage, organizing cloth etc. makes my wife feel that I love and care about her, and she is more willing and able to change her mood towards more lOvemaking time w husband!

  4. Also, unplug the DVR so she can’t plop down in front of the TV and veg out all day while the kids are gone to school or their jobs.

      • How about finding something short to watch together? You could hold hands, cuddle with her, discuss what you’re watching, and then she might be willing to take that affection to the bedroom. ?? Just a thought. Best wishes!

        • Oh, I talk a big game. I realize she has to unwind at times.

          There are times when I’d just like to unplug it and say we got married to be together, and here we have a chance with the kids out of the house to do things we might not do when they are at home. Not as a parent/child relationship. Rather as a I want you, I want more intimacy than just mindlessly watching a TV show.

          Now if she wanted to use the TV to mask sounds coming from the bedroom, that I could become enthusiastic about.

  5. This will only work if she has a good sex drive in the first place if not it will be like getting some one to eat a meal on a full stomach you can do all you like nothings going to make her want to eat

    • Kevin Howard-Tripp – Actually that expectation is big part of the problem.

      Most women don’t have the kind of sex drive men have. A few do, but most don’t BECAUSE IT’S NOT HOW GOD MADE THEM. If a woman thinks she is supposed to feel male like desire she is probably wrong, and that confusion gets in the way of sex.

      I covered this in Men and women are different sexually

      • I agree somewhat with you, Kevin. However, from the female perspective, our sex drives are often linked to our physical energy level and our mental ability to focus on arousal. We can even want to make love but if our to-do list is super-long, it’s hard to ignore that and focus on intimacy. It’s not personal. We love our hubbies. We just struggle in this area.

        That said, if the wife has NO sex drive, there may very well be other issues involved. Thanks for your comment!

  6. Thanks, Paul, for letting me talk to your fabulous readers! I love hearing the guy perspective. There are some wonderful husbands out there indeed and many who are working toward wonderful every day. Blessings!

  7. Here’s a quick background of our situation. Married young,she was 20 and 3 months pregnant with our first child. I was 27. Dated for a year. Always talked about spending the rest of our lives together. Got married in 1997. Love making was good in the begining. Tho the frequensy went down hill, I got frustrated, argued with her about it. I was not always there for her. Out with my buddies a lot , playing sports. I guess deep down it hurt her, never thought I was hurting her, but I was. She was sexually abused as a child by her step father,raped as a teenager by some other person. The thing is , we always would work through our disagreements except the love making. She knows deep down my frustration about the infrequentcy. She was a stay at home mom. I love my wife, I know she loves me, it wasn’t like we weren’t affectionate. I was more of the affectionate type then her. We decided to have another child. That was a great time in our lives tho. Loved her enthusiasm to make love so we could have another child. Would make love a couple times a week for almost a year,she got pregnant,had our second child in 2004. Went down hill after that. She expierenced pain during intercourse after that . I was still going out with the boys, but I was still, which I thought a good dad. Helping her out at home with everything. I guess her childhood truama and her being a stay at home mom didn’t help her. She went to the doctor once for the sex pain and never did anything about it. Alls I want for us is

  8. Cont. a closeness that we both deserve during love making and its just not there. She always has an exuse . I never really new about the sex pain and she always brings up it my atittude and moodiness that turns her off. I’ll try and have a good attitude toward our life and be happy but after a month or months of no love making gets me moody,upset and argry and short tempered. I ask her why does she let this go on and she.says my happyness is superficial

  9. Cont. She does have a job now ,full time and now she’s always to tired for anything and our house always looks like a bomb hit it. I full time and find myself doing most of the cooking,cleaning. Etc. Not a problem tho, I understand she works hard . I love cooking and taking care of my family. Iam there for my wife and try to serve her as god would want. Hardly ever is there passionate love making with us.

    • Jeff – There is certainly a lot there that needs to be dealt with – including but not limited to the damage done to her before you met her.

      My feeling, from what I can see from here, is that she will need some individual counselling first, to be followed by couple counselling. Fifteen years in with that much baggage, I really don’t see it being changed any other way.

    • I agree with Paul. I’ll give my two cents as well. You may want to paint the picture of what you wish your marriage life was like and how beautiful it could be for both of you. Then explain that you want to do everything in your power to make things better for her, for you, and for your marriage. Yes, it stinks that you are not getting enough right now. I tell wives all the time to understand how important sex is as an EMOTIONAL connection for husbands, but in the long run she’s got to deal with the issues and you have to walk beside her to get where you want to be. Saying a prayer for you.

  10. Thank you so much for your input j and tgh. I will be beside her.

  11. Also wanted to mention we have 2 beautiful kids, son is 13 and my daughter is
    7. 3 dogs. Love my family. Just wish my wife would realize how much intimacy and love making with her is so important for us. It’s not that I need release,its the closeness I feel with her. I just wish she understood the pain it cause me. It feels so lonely laying next to someone you love so much and you know they’ll reject you. Very hurtful .

  12. Back many years ago my wife had said something similar to this to me and at the time I was unemployed. So I thought ok sounds reasonable to me. So I started doing more and more of the work load. Till finally I was doing all of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, running errands, paying bills, and whatever else she put on the honey do list. Nothing improved in our sex lift. It just left her more time to watch tv. Then after a few months I had said something about it and that I was hoping to find some time to make love to her more often and was told this was her time to relax, and that it was my job to do everything since I was unemployed. So nothing changed. I also went out and got a book on sensualsexual massage and some oil and what not. She loves when I give her a hour long massage but then says she is to relaxed to have sex. Then after that I am just wound up and frustrated. So after this happening several times I just gave up. I now no longer even ask for sex because I am asked what I have done lately that I should deserve to have sex. I can’t take the sometimes very mean turn down that I get.

  13. That is the funny thing. She seams to enjoy it we we do have sex and climaxes fair easily. It is not uncommon for her to climax with in 3 or 4 min. And that is without much if any foreplay. She doesn’t want to (waste time with that)I would be willing to do what ever she wanted or needed. But 5 min twice a month is all she wants or needs. It got better when we were trying for our son almost twice a week. I wanted more but was happy. After that I think it was 3 times in 6 months.

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