Why wives say no to sex, and what a man can do about it.

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Last week we ran a facebook poll asking why women (and men) say no to sex. So far we’ve had 171 women answer (some only after my bride assured them it was anonymous!).

As with any web based survey I can’t claim the results are representative of the population as a whole, but I can tell you they fall in line with what we and others hear over and over from women. This won’t apply to all women, but if your bride hasn’t suffered significant sexual abuse, is not inherently against sex, and isn’t just plain selfish, there’s a good chance this speaks for her fairly well. I’ve put the full responses, plus comments, at the end, after my thoughts.

  • Too tired: Two-thirds of the women said they say no because they are too tired, and half said they say no because it’s late or they have to get up early. I know tired sounds like an excuse to men, but please realise sex takes more energy for women, especially if they want to climax. We can have a quickie, climax, roll over and be asleep all in ten minutes, but this just leaves a woman horny, frustrated, and unable to get to sleep. If she’s tired to start with, climax is going to be difficult at best, and maybe just not worth the effort. (Note 16% said they say no because “It would take way too much time and effort to climax.”) So, if you want more sex, your number one job is to find a way for your bride to get more rest and better sleep. Nothing else will have as much of an effect, and for most women nothing else can have an effect until the exhaustion issue is resolved.
  • Not connected: The next biggie, at 44%, was not having connected emotionally. Women need to be connected on a heart level to want and enjoy connecting physically. They can have sex without emotional connection, but they won’t want it, and probably won’t enjoy it. (BTW, an orgasm does not mean she enjoyed it – really). So, if you want more sex, your number two job is building your relationship. This doesn’t mean being lovey-dovey an hour before you ask for sex! Work on the relationship 24/7 and she’ll be more open to sex in general.
  • Stress!: Thirty percent of women say no due to stress. Some women manage to get to the place where sex is a stress reliever, but this is not the norm. For most women stress kills both their sex drive and their ability to respond sexually. So, if you want more sex, your number three job is to be aware of your bride’s stress level and find ways to help her. This is neither an easy nor quick task, but you can do things to help her with stress.
  • He’s rude!: More than a quarter of women have said no because of recent rudeness on the part of their husband. So, if you want more sex, your number four job is to stop being rude. Again, this doesn’t mean just the hours leading up to bedtime; it means trying to never be rude, and admitting it and apologising when you are rude.
  • OUCH! One woman in five said they have said no because of physical pain. (This was the most surprising result to me, I’d have expected about half that rate.) There’s no breakdown of the pain, although several women indicated period related pain in the comments. Husband being too rough was 3.5%, so most of this pain is something else. Learn to know when she’s in pain, and find ways to help her reduce pain. You might also be able to have sex if you are willing to do something other than intercourse. Orgasm is a great pain-killer, and if she learns you can give her an orgasm without hurting her she may have a new motivation to say yes!
  • Wrong message: A little more than one woman in six says no because things are not okay in the relationship and she knows her husband takes sex as proof everything is okay. This does NOT mean she’s saying no because of the problems, but because she doesn’t want to wrongly communicate the problems are resolved or are no big deal. If you will learn sex is not an indication everything is fine, and if you can communicate that understanding to her, she may well be more open to sex. She may be willing to set the problems aside and enjoy sex with you if she knows you’ll still be willing to deal with the problems later.
  • I hate how I look!: Also at about one women in six are women so distressed by how they look they say no to sex. And, for each woman who says no, there are a several more who say yes but struggle to enjoy because they feel self-conscious. This is a huge issue, and one you need to work on steadily if you want to help her feel better about her body.
  • It’s all he wants: While “I feel it’s all he wants me for” was fairly low, at 15%, it still means plenty of women feel this way. They may or may not be right, but it’s killing the couple’s sex life.
  • Ready fire aim: A lack of foreplay was a reason for refusing for one woman in eight. However, I suspect even more would say they don’t enjoy sex much due to a lack of foreplay. It’s nice this was fairly low, and it’s an easy thing to fix.
  • All the rest: The remaining ten answers were chosen by fewer than 10% of those answering.

WOMEN: Why do you say no to sex?

Too tried 66.7%
It’s late and/or getting up early in the morning 49.1%
We have not connected emotionally 44.4%
Stressed 29.8%
He’s been rude to me recently 29.2%
Physical pain 19.9%
He thinks it means everything is okay, and it’s not 17.5%
It would take way to much time and effort to climax 16.4%
I don’t like how I look 16.4%
I feel it’s all he wants me for 15.2%
There is never enough foreplay 12.3%
I’ve rarely or never climax 8.8%
Not enough privacy 8.8%
He does not turn me on 7.6%
He does not take care of me; when he’s done, he thinks it’s over 7.6%
He smells bad 7.0%
If I do, he “wins” 5.8%
He’s too rough 3.5%
He always wants to do things I don’t like 2.9%
I think sex is wrong or gross 1.8%
I just don’t love him anymore 1.2%

Comments from the women:

  • I never say no. I have even told my husband that i’m up for it anytime he wants it. ;)
  • usually it’s just that one of us is not comfortable, physically, mentally, or just with the environment.
  • He lies to me. I can’t trust him.
  • Sometimes I just feel gross, like I’m not clean enough or whatnot.
  • “that” time of the month
  • young children :)
  • When I’m not feeling healthy
  • He has said no to me so many times, that I can barely be in the mood!
  • I don’t say no…..
  • I don’t say no but he usually doesn’t ask
  • If the marriage has no mental, emotional, spiritual connection. How can I respond sexually.
  • It doesn’t feel as good as it used to or hurts too much.
  • I have several chronic conditions that come with some complications that make sex uncomfortable.
  • Sex can be pleasurable, but I never (or rarely) have a desire for it. It’s just too much effort and not something I really crave.
  • He’s the one who says no.
  • He had prostrate cancer We rarely have it.
  • If I’m sick
  • The only time I will say no to sex is if I’m throwing up or menstruating. Otherwise, he’s the one that’s usually saying no.
  • He doesn’t seem interested.
  • pregnant/sick
  • He does not ask Porn issues and Masturbation
  • vertigo when I lay down causes nausea and panic, so I have to start the night semi sitting, my husband can tell I’m nauseated and feels bad about bringing it up.
  • Not enough time to relax, or anticipate previous to starting
  • We don’t have time. Otherwise, we don’t say “no”
  • he only wants to do it in the morning, i am still half asleep
  • he appears soooo needy
  • Makes me feel vulnerable
  • Menstrual cycle
  • bitter from doing everything (housework, bills, lawn care…) with zero help from him

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253 Comments on “Why wives say no to sex, and what a man can do about it.

  1. Would be interested in a follow up “why wives say no to oral sex, and what husband’s can do to help them be more comfortable with it”. So, two parts, what is your objection, and how can your husband work with you to overcome it.

    I also think there is much more to be written about how menstruation induced celibacy effects sex in Christian marriage. Otherwise strong sex lives can be broken when husband and wife fail to meet each others (sexual for the husband, relational for the wife) needs during PMS/menstruation.

    • Love Letters – On the first I’d say “can the husband do anything to help” – sometimes yes, sometimes no. But it will make a future survey.

      On the second, I think it’s part of the bigger idea of what sex is. To many think if it’s not tab A in slot B it’s not sex, and sex can/should be far more than that.

  2. Now I really wanna hear the boy’s side! Make them take the survey! :) Pretty please?! :)

  3. I was a little surprised by how many women said that hubby said no or didn’t initiate sex. This seems to be happening more and more, and it makes me contemplate what all the causal factors are.

    Great survey! Thanks for sharing the results and advice.

    • J – I’ve been looking for a large well done survey on sexless marriages and men saying no, but have not found one. Stress, being too busy, and porn are all factors, but which are the biggest?

  4. When we married 18 years ago it was agreed that it was anytime, anyplace. Now, not so much. My sense of adventure has waned a tad. Though once things get going…holla’!

  5. In our case I note that several of those things are under her control. I complained in an earlier comment that my wife is always too tired because she is too busy, because she can’t say no to Anyone. There isn’t anything I can do about that. If our relationship isn’t important enough to say no to other people then there isn’t anything I can do about that. I would be very greatful if your wife posted something on this, or if you reposted. I forward your posts to her every day and try to read your wife’s posts at home.

    • Andrew – Lori posted on this a few days ago, and has something today on why men say no that includes some words about being too busy.

      Maybe your wife does not value your relationship, or maybe she just has a problem saying no and you get the short end of that. The results are the same, but the motivation is different, and if it’s about not being able to say no that can be learned.

  6. Thanks for the reply. My wife would definitely say she values our relationship, but if she can’t say no to other people who demand her time and attention and I get the short end, doesn’t that mean she doesn’t value our relationship? To me “I can’t hear what you are saying because your actions speak so much louder.” I think some of this comes from her upbringing. She was the youngest child and she was a “good girl” and as long as she was good her parent made no demands on her. I think she wants to continue her relationship with her father: if she is “good” in pursing her life, in doing good things, he takes care of every thing else, including their relationship. That was a mistake for her parents, and, in any event, marriage can’t be like that.
    It’s getting her to understand this that I have long had trouble with.
    Thanks for your wife’s

  7. My wife says Anytime I need her she is wlling, till I start to get Amorous.

  8. Loved the survey, it confirms much. Personally, I think porn is a major factor when men say no. However, low T may play a part, too.

    • The porn issue can be a question of the chicken and the egg. Not to justify it, but some men turn to porn when they feel unloved and unwanted by their wives from too much sexual rejection.

      • NJ – While I can’t argue it does happen, I fear it is all too often used as an excuse by men to do something they wanted to do anyway. Beyond that, it’s a vicious cycle that makes the chances of a healthy sex life with their wife less and less likely.

        In years gone by it was not unheard of for a man to never look at porn till he was married and being rejected. Today that is virtually impossible, as you would be hard pressed to find a man under 30 who did not see porn prior to being married.

  9. Now ask if the woman / wife have told their husbands any of this.. That would be sitting down and talking about it, not being a bitch about it.. did I say that?

  10. For me, it’s not that I don’t want sex, but it’s just that I don’t want sex with him. The reason I don’t want sex with him is because he spends a lot of time looking at porn. What makes it even worse is the porn he looks at is of 13 year old girls mostly, though many look to be about 15. When out and about, he can’t not look at young girls. And I’ve seen him check out ones who look to be in junior high. Short and extremely skinny… just entering puberty. Now, just his touch grosses me out, lol!

    I read a bunch of articles about this, and they all say it’s normal; that I’m over reacting. Maybe, but I’d rather be single again and forever than have sex with him. Yuck!

    Apparently, I’m not the only one. Many of my friends have confessed to not wanting sex with their husbands because they look at porn.

    • ladybug – If he is looking at actual porn of 13 or 15 year olds he is breaking the law. There are significant problem with this on many levels. Please talk to someone about this, and get some good legal advice, as you might be seen as an accomplice depending on the situation.

  11. @The Generous Husband I just purchased a book about boundaries… Boundaries; When To Say Yes, How To Say No, To take Control of Your Life…for this very reason.  Really there’s a sense of feeling so obligated to “be there” for everyone and always do the right thing… and in the end, you’re just exhausted because you can’t really do it all.  Still in the early chapters but liking it.  Maybe that could be helpful?

  12. @Love Letters I read your comment and my immediate response is, “Ugh.”  Then, I think about that and feel bad that that is my reaction.  My husband works really long days on a crappy shift and generally comes home with very little to give.  I like sex because it feels more mutual.  So, even if we’ve both had a rough day or whatever, I feel like we’re both getting something out of it, and sharing that together.  Whereas, oral sex feels more like performing a service, usually out of feeling pressured to perform the service.  As soon as a sense of being pressured is added into the sex equation, it immediately shuts down any and all desire to perform.   And, I suppose that his desire for oral sex wouldn’t bother me as much if I felt like it was an extra bonus he enjoyed…but it tends to feel like that’s all he really wants.  Like he doesn’t need ME.  He doesn’t need my personal contact or the connection of being intimate.  He just wants “treated”.  I guess maybe I feel devalued by that?  It bothers me.
    Now, on the other hand, sometimes things are hot and passionate and I have an intense desire to get “down there” and satisfy him, but at those times, it is something that I am really desiring to do myself.  Often times, sex in general will suffer because I feel like there’s such a sense of pressure and expectation to always receive oral pleasure as a part of things.  When things happen naturally, it happens much more often and my desire to give it comes much more freely.  But it comes because the moment feels intimate and I feel the connection there.  It’s not just an act that I feel I HAVE to do anymore.

  13. @Andrew Jardine I just purchased a book about boundaries… Boundaries; When To Say
    Yes, How To Say No, To take Control of Your Life…for this very
    reason.  Really there’s a sense of feeling so obligated to “be there”
    for everyone and always do the right thing… and in the end, you’re
    just exhausted because you can’t really do it all.  Still in the early
    chapters but liking it.  Maybe that could be helpful?

  14. 61/62, wife had breast cancer years , but after I come back from Iraq wife has no intrest  after I had a breakbown and started talking about not having sex and other issues  she stated we can work on that!!,
    So where can I start.

  15. 61/62, wife had breast cancer years , but after I come back from Iraq wife has no intrest  after I had a breakbown and started talking about not having sex and other issues  she stated we can work on that!!,
    So where can I start.

  16. Preveis to this I was going to porn, masturbation but I am trying slow, by tuching kissing but I want her to tell me or show me that she is interested in having sex, so frustrated I need to kissing touching

  17. Oifvet It sounds to me like she is willing to be receptive, meaning if you ask she will say yes. Expecting her to ask you is a much bigger thing, and she may be unable to do that. Can you meet her half way?

  18. TheGenerousHusbandOifvet 95.5% I think is menapose changes a woman body and other woman bio parts.

  19. ive read countless articles on this.  while i can respect the main reasons women have, i feel in my heart, at the same time some women are just completely selfish, spoiled and apathetic.  yes men are dogs, deal with it.  we  deal with menstruation and countless other female issues, some better than others.  i could go on all night.  bottom line is i am just plain hurt and often suicidal because i feel like my wife doesn’t love me.  we have children and a home and a life.  ive tried counseling and stopped drinking, and done everything she’s asked me to do.  it seems like in the past when i was misbehaving or being less understanding she was more interested in the challenge.  now that i put her needs first she walks all over me and uses her power.  well whatever.  just wanted to reach out, or jot down what might be my last words.  thanks for not trying for me honey.

  20. ive read countless articles on this.  while i can respect the main reasons women have, i feel in my heart, at the same time some women are just completely selfish, spoiled and apathetic.  yes men are dogs, deal with it.  we  deal with menstruation and countless other female issues, some better than others.  i could go on all night.  bottom line is i am just plain hurt and often suicidal because i feel like my wife doesn’t love me.  we have children and a home and a life.  ive tried counseling and stopped drinking, and done everything she’s asked me to do.  it seems like in the past when i was misbehaving or being less understanding she was more interested in the challenge.  now that i put her needs first she walks all over me and uses her power.  well whatever.  just wanted to reach out, or jot down what might be my last words.  thanks for not trying for me honey.

  21. feidlimid athol  You certainly have my prayers. Have you told her how deeply this hurts you? Not just said it, but helped her to understand it? I would suggest some joint counselling with this being one of the things discussed.

  22. TheGenerousHusband feidlimid athol  

    yes, sorry, i meant weve tried counseling.  she hated it and dropped out after maybe 6 sessions.  i continue to see the counselor who believes i should get out of here.  its hard to find reasons to stay when a professional that you trust is in agreement.  she knows it upsets me and i try so hard to not focus on sex, but it doesnt seem natural to suppress what is natural.

  23. feidlimid athol TheGenerousHusband  Have you made it painfully clear to her what is likely to happen if nothing changes? Have you said that for so long without doing it she no longer believes you? Or does the idea of being along bother less than the idea of having more sex?

  24. I have talked to my wife numerous times about my needs and wants, i usually wait 2 months before breaking my silence that it has been 2 months. She constantly tells me that shes sorry and will work on it and then we go right back to the beigining again. She is a teacher and coach and we have a 15 month old daughter and i understand the demand and stress she goes through on a daily basis so i cook i clean i take care of our daughter 80% of the time i am sweet and romantic send her flowers for no reason at all except just to tell her i love her. We only have sex when she wants it or allows it, every time i want sex its the same excuse tomorrow and tomorrow turns into tomorrow into not at all. She tells me shoe would like me to just take her but when i think about doing it i hear her say keywords like im tiered or i have a headache when she says those keywords i dont even try because those are the usual reasons most of the time. I am tiered of having the same conversation over and over and it not ending in results i hace suggested counceling but she thinks if we cant fix problems on our own then what are we doing together. Im starting to feel resentful and looking at the possibility to go out side of our marriage but i dont want to hurt her or set a bad example as a father to my daughter. What can i do please help.

  25. What can I say not even touching yes we are married shes even called me a chauvinist I spend everything  cook always washing dishes waiting on her Yet one mistake an shes all over me She claims I am not romantic enough we are both 65 and I have erectile problems but she is not even wanting to try

  26. Interesting that a wife’s choice to defraud her husband is re-framed to be something he did, failed to do or is.  Maybe instead of feeding her rebellion he ought to instead gently instruct her that she is breaking her covenant and sinning against her husband and God.  That way he would be sanctifying his wife by washing and watering her with the Word and living with her with knowlege; that is knowlege of the Word and of her ongoing rebellion. In this way he is performing as the head of her and as Christ’s appointed in her life.

  27. Deposed I’m all about 1 Cor 7:5, but if a man makes it difficult for his wife to want or have sex he needs to understand and own that. Ignoring his sin is just as wrong as ignoring her sin.

  28. TheGenerousHusband Deposed 1 Corinthians 7 provides only one normative exception for marital intimacy and desire is not that enumerated exception.  It is up to her to foster desire for her husband (he also for her); this was part of her covenant vow entering into the marriage.  Failure to perform this most pleasant duty is to turn your spouse over to the Adversary to be tempted.  This is to strip away his/her protection and blessed outlet for sex and oneness in marriage.  Further it strips a man of his sexual identity and man leaving him helpless against an usurpation of his Christ given duty of headship.  (When her feelings justify rebellion of his authority over her body, then in like manner her feelings can be used to justify her violating the submission ordinances in all other areas; turning Christ’s law order for family roles upside down. ) Scriptures provide a linkage between burning in lust and sexual defrauding, they in no way provide justification or excuse to defraud because one’s autonomous feelings are not placated sufficiently to kindle desire without effort.  1 Peter 3 allows no such room for her to rebel against his authority due to his harsh treatment.  (Peter does not condone harsh treament only that it is not cause to fully submit as to Christ.)  To assume the blame on the man is to provide cover and excuse for the woman and her continued rebellion and discontent.  

    I am very much concerned that the evangelical community, while trying to strengthen families is in reality by their practice paving the way for more divorce and marital grief, simply because it continues to resist a most clear and forward reading of the Scriptures regarding marriage.  We can continue to deny that feminism has won in culture and our churches  decisively or we can repent and once again to commit to build our families on the pattern provided by the authority of the Word of God.

  29. Deposed TheGenerousHusband “It is up to her to foster desire for her husband” – Really? Then based on the Christ is to the chruch as husband is to wife it is up to us to foster desire for God!
    “Pleasant duty” – what if it is not pleasant? What is he is making it unpleasant?
    Are you suggesting a man cannot be a proper head if his wife is not providing sex?
    As to authority over her body, the Bible gives her the exact same authority over his body.

    I fully agree with you that there is no excuse for refusal, but if we ignore the bigger picture we are choosing to ignore other sins. 

    As for your last paragraph, I address that in my June 29th post.

  30. beedudeDoes she have any medical issues or take any medications that have sexual side effects??

  31. I would like to bring up the topic of circumcision.  It would be interesting to know how many husbands in this poll were circumcised.  This is pertinent to sex as women with circumcised husbands are far more likely to report pain.  God designed the penis complete with a foreskin.  It is meant to be there.  When it is removed intercourse can really hurt.  Circumcised men have lost 20,000 nerve endings and are more likely to require being rough in order to climax.  

    “Circumcision counts for nothing, and it’s lack makes no difference either.  What matters is keeping God’s commmandments.” 1 Corinthians 7:18-19

    More information on this topic can be found at http://www.thewholenetwork.org

  32. Pingback: Why women say no to sex, and what a man can do about it. | 2 Sides 2 The Story

  33. TheGenerousHusband Oifvet Reading through these comments and replies leaves me with the sense that it is ultimately the man’s fault if the marriage is without sex, and it is the man’s responsibility to do something about it.  It seems there are a hundred reasons given for why women do not want sex, may not be capable of having sex, or shouldn’t be expected to have it unless they want it.  I’ve been married for 17 years and could almost count the number of times my wife and I have made love–zero in the last two years.  It is driving me mad, and now I’m made to feel guilty because it’s due to something I’m doing wrong or not doing right.  I don’t mean to sound selfish, but I am just so frustrated.  I love my wife and want to hold her in my arms and make gentle love to her.  She knows I do because I’ve told her so.  I use terms of endearment with her everyday, but she never reciprocates.  Maybe the relationship is dead and I’m just not getting the message.

  34. SheamusDuffy TheGenerousHusband Oifvet If we want to place blame, I would blame society. Before you decide I am blaming the guys, please read my recent post The Sex Drive God Gave You http://bit.ly/1vdikV5
    Because I am talking to men here, I usually give men ideas on how to bring about change. When I talk to women, I focus more on what they can do to bring about changes.

  35. TheGenerousHusband Deposed 

    Q:1 <i>Then based on the Christ is to the chruch as husband is to wife it is up to us to foster desire for God!</I>
    <p>
    Yes, absolutely we are to stir up, kindle and increase our affections to the Lord.  The means of grace like: psalm singing, worsip, hymns, prayer, the Lord’s supper, confession and devotional reading of God’s Word all contribute to our fostering our desire for our Lord.  
    <p>
    In like manner a spouse is to stir up passion for their mate.  A wife who imitates Sarah who even calls her husband Lord;  she (or he as the case might be) has a duty to prepare them selves for the pure and undefiled celebration of oneness.  And like worship that is performed with the lips only and is distasteful to the Lord, so also a spouse that has sex with the hips only and their heart us far from their spouse is an offense to the other and to the Lord to whom they covenanted in marriage (remember the marriage vow is made to God).  There is no Biblical warrant or reason that would justify a spouses unwillingness to fully give themselves sexually, including preperation by stirring up desire, to their spouse.  

    To automatically blame a husband for a wive’s disengagement, parrticularly in a period of mass feminine rebellion, is similar to blaming Christ for the church of Laodicea ‘ s lukewarmness, and the church at Ephesus’ lovelessness.  It is antithetical to scripture and utterly unfair to men and the Lord.  It further undercuts God’s design for the family and further encourages mutiny in the home.

  36. TheGenerousHusband Deposed

    Q:2.Are you suggesting a man cannot be a proper head if his wife is not providing sex?

    If a wife is defrauding her husband she us already the head of the bed.  In most cases a husband desires to please his wife and that good desire can be a means of control.  No sex for you if you do not please me the way I insist is the unspoken threat and lever to usurp headship.  So I’d there is defrauding in bed, there is usually a challenge to the the head.  Most churches and ministries will rally behind a wide when a husband oppose a the coup with words like verbal / emotional abuse you poor dear ….

    Some will automatically blame the man even while he is being defrauded.

  37. My apologies for the typos. Typing on a phone in the airport is harder than it looks, at least for me.

  38. Deposed TheGenerousHusband I can go with much of what you say, but the Bible is clear He loved us first. We also see He pursues us even when we are not pursuing Him.

  39. Deposed TheGenerousHusband I can go with much of what you say, but the Bible is clear He loved us first. We also see He pursues us even when we are not pursuing Him.

  40. Deposed TheGenerousHusband No, not at all. He is expected to be proper head even if she is not providing sex!

    ! Cor 7 is very clear, and I see no loop holes. Sexual refusal is sin, period.

  41. Deposed TheGenerousHusband No, not at all. He is expected to be proper head even if she is not providing sex!

    ! Cor 7 is very clear, and I see no loop holes. Sexual refusal is sin, period.

  42. TheGenerousHusband Deposed

    He is the head by God given authority, but his ability to function as the head is impaired by her rebellion and the empowerment from the church.  This is why I stated that if she is defrauding him, his course of action is to correct her from the Word of God and to act from his duty as head and sanctify her.  He should not seek to bribe her feelings, but love her according to scripture, exhorting her and even rebuking her if she continues in her sin.

  43. Pingback: When a Wife Doesn't Want to Have Sex - Marriage Missions International : Marriage Missions International

  44. I agree we as men fall for the person we want them to be. When we say I do They have a subliminal list of I don’ts. Which we find out afterwards it is very misleading.and they have a reason for everything and it is always your fault no matter how great of a husband you are. I can’t touch her without thinking that all I want is sex. I can buy her things and be the greatest husband ever, but if I attempt to get sex for that she says “I am not a prostitute just because you give money or buy me something doesnt mean I need to have sex with you”. But in a sense that is what they make us believe when we are in a relationship… We have to buy them things or spend money on them for them to even think about sex…WTF!

  45. I hear you this they always turn it around on us one way our another!!

  46. @ladybug

    If your husband is looking at porn that is his sin,  but that in no way justifies your sin of defrauding him.  (I do understand it makes the vulerabilty and trust that accompanied great sex difficult) In fact your continued sin is fueling his his continued spiral into depravity and adversely affecting his repentance.  You are to be his exclusive object/ subject of sexual expression.  When that sexual affection is withheld the very fires that make the marriage bed hot  will find somewhere else to burn that is the nature of fire.  It is better to may than to burn, but pity the man who is married and the bride that he loves refuses his warmth.  You are most likely not the victim,  but a contributor or provocateur of his sin.  You cannot force his repentance,  but you can choose your own repentance;  failure to do that you are dooming both you and your husband to a life of misery and brokenness.

  47. frustrated_dude I would say that is about her, not you. It is because of her fears and feelings. The challenge is figuring out what is eating her and getting her to deal with it.

  48. TheGenerousHusband SheamusDuffy Oifvet

    If you want place the blame…place the blame of defrauding on the partner defrauding. If you need other contributors,  look no further than churches and ministries that won’t hold women accountable for their sins,  but rather tingle itching ears, looking to make the women happy.

  49. @The Generous Husband

    Porn could also be the excuse by women to do something they wanted to do anyway; withhold from the man that no longer gives her status, thrills or whatever she might feel she needs to be happy.   In her selfishness she is turning her husband over to Satan for a most grievous trial; that is, if nothing else, the antithesis of love.

  50. Deposed You make it sound as if a man being refused sex is powerless to avoid porn. Just as you complain about those who excuse her sin of refusal, you seem to be excusing or minimising his sin. By Jesus’s definition, porn use is adultery.
    Yes, the church needs to say more about sexual refusal. However, porn use is more common in the church than sexual refusal. When are we going to get serious about the fact most married Christian men are using porn?

  51. TheGenerousHusband Deposed

    Not powerless, but more like the head of a body without a heart to circulate blood.  Eventally tje system will fail, it is not designed for indivualness but union.  God made the two one changing their nature from individuals,  to a couple.  A married man is fundamentally different than a single man, he is only operating within design spec when he is sexually united to his wife. 

    1 Corinthians 7:5 NASB

    Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    For many men who are being defrauded,  porn may be the only outlet they see to avoid abandoning their family while they are sexually abandoned by thier own wife.  Their is a fundamental difference between one who is addicted to strong drink and one who is perishing (Prev 31:6).  Likewise there is a fundamental difference between one who uses porn listing to have sex with another other than his wife,  adulterous

  52. TheGenerousHusband Deposed
    continued…There is a fundamental difference between one who uses porn to lust after i.e. to have sex with one not his wife,  and the one who uses porn to dream of sex with his wife as a comfort to ongoing defrauding, especially in a climate where he is blamed for his sin and her sin.  If he complains about the situation he is likely to be accused as unloving, a poor leader and a pervert.  

    Porn would not be near the problem in Christendom that it is, if wives were less fearful and controlling in bed.  Like it or not mainstream culture,  not just porn has raised the bar for sexual passion,  energy and imagination.   The church is not immune,  nor should it desire to be,  rather it should exhort that within the bounds of marriage sex is pure and undefiled, to be intoxicated with the wife of your youth and to find satisfaction in her breasts at all times.   If either desires intimacy then intimacy should be forthcoming.  (There are exceptions like: agreed time of mutual fasting, and severe health issues.)  Fire is designed to burn, it will either burn down the house or provide warmth and fuel for dominion, but in order to do the later both spouses must be willing and committed to that end.

  53. Deposed TheGenerousHusband I agree a lack of sex makes all sexual temptations stronger. However, if the man used porn before, and especially if he was using it even when his wife was available, blaming a lack of sex for the porn use is disingenuous. 
    As to porn being adultery, what Jesus said in http://www.biblestudytools.com/kjv/matthew/5-28.htmlsure seems to say that. If hate is like murder, how is porn not like adultery?

  54. Deposed TheGenerousHusband How does porn help a man dream of sex with his wife? He looks at women who are not his wife, doing things his wife would not do (and may not be able to do) and that somehow adds up to thinking about his wife?

    Today most men enter marriage with hundreds or thousands of hours of porn use behind them. These men cannot blame their wives for what happened before they got married, can they? Most men think getting married will magically make their porn use go away, but it does not. Three to six months later they are back to porn, even if their wife is still very willing.

    I am very much about telling women AND MEN to stop refusing sexually. However, I am also about telling men AND WOMEN to stop using porn. While each can increase the temptation to the other, both exist without the other in some couples. Both are wrong, and both need to be dealt with. Anyone who focuses on one and ignores the other is adding to the problem, IMHO.

  55. TheGenerousHusband Deposed

    To look at a woman to lust after her is like adultery.  But not all adultery is equal, (looking is not an OT capitol offense) and most men who do not use porn still lust.  They might lust after the girl at Starbucks,  or on the commercials or in the pew next to them.   The more a husband tries to overcome his sexual drive without channeling it toward his wife the more he will inflame his flesh.  If we’d think the way Jesus was, porn is potentially everything,  because anything can fan the flames of desire or discontent.  

    The point of the sermon on the mount was not to stay away from porn, (although that is wise Proverbs 5:8), but that your self righteous staying away is still not enough.   You can never be good enough to deserve grace, nor pure enough to never have impure dedires. God judges the heart and the heart is wicked in need of a savoir.  He did not gives us a new command,  but the old one explained. 1 Jn 2:7 Thus Jesus is not expanding the legal definition of adultery for civic or use in divorce justification, but is describing just how depraved men are desperate for grace.  The law keeping Jews who were in attendance were in denial of the desperate need; Jesus was teaching them there is only one way to the Father.

    So seeing a woman in a provocative pose is not always a sin.  If it drives a man to desire his own wife then, is it the same if it drives to want another?  Of course not, the reaction of the heart changes the situation.  In other words even as there are many forms of sexually provocative literature, many variations on for and Rather than join the chorus of porn is evil (without even knowing what porn is) Jesus goes after the heart that will not enjoy his own wife.   Paul joins Christ in affirming a sexual marriage.  

    Sexual ethics just like all other areas of ethics is the application of God’s law to people in situations.  The people matter and the situation matters.

  56. TheGenerousHusband Deposed

    You ask How does porn help a man dream of sex with his wife?

    wrong question, the correct question is how might…not how does because it very well might not.

    The answer is  perhaps the same way a man watching an auto race or an episode of Fast and Furious dreams /wants to drive his own car fast.  Or perhaps how a cook samples another’s cuisine and is inspired to cook up his own masterpiece.   Is it really that difficult to imagine that one who desires sex with his wife is actually desiring her as he reads/watches/hears a woman giving herself generously to her partner?  Perhaps  projection has occluded your empathy.

  57. I can answer this – she is still hurt from the past. Yes, you may be Bill Cosby now, but she errs on the side of caution due to what has happened and what may happen again. You aren’t some pet project to her, and I pray you never told her that. Sex is a completely emotional vulnerable experience for us (perhaps if men carried a child for 9 months, they might be a bit more sympathetic), and if our men has emotionally hurt us in the past….it creates a hole. Trust and security are 2 conditions that must be met before (willing) sex can happen! Build trust and security, rather emotionally or physically!!!

  58. My husband could only get off to porn. Do you know what that did to our sex life and almost did to our marriage? I refused him because why would he need me, when he can look at air brushed beauties all day?! 5 years later we are o.k finally. After almost breaking up this family, divorce, and much emotional turmoil from both of us…he’s porn free. I feel happy and secure to know I have his full attention, my children will never accidentally see daddy watching porn, and he can actually enjoy his wife fully! Seriously….porn IS the devils #1 tool for corrupting marriage. Heck, look at people trying to JUSTIFY it, while admitting it’s wrong!!!

  59. Oh save your banality for someone who hasn’t heard these rubbish excuses for over a decade. You birth children. Standing ovation okay. We deal with your insane hormone changes for longer than nine months. How about this: every time she was pregnant she would beg for sex towards the end because she believed it to help induce labor. How about, me staying home my children more than her because she’s this business professional that potentially earns more money?
    I’m sure you say that I’m a loser for that and I probably don’t get sex because I don’t make enough money. Well real men raise their kids. Also, if your husband was choosing porn over you, as a man, I can assure you that you are not attractive to him. Women insecure over porn just have no self confidence. The females in porn are completely disgusting to any man who could otherwise have a decent woman. You are obviously a jilted woman and I should have specified that I don’t need advice from someone like you. You use too many explanation points and you write like someone who didn’t graduate middle school.
    Be careful where you run your mouth on the internet. I was putting my heart out there and being honest. Always a bad idea these days because of trolls like you who just chime in without even contemplating how ignorant you sound.
    I’m sure you have an amazing retort. Just save it. You’ll be wasting more time than I just did writing this.

  60. SonaFalk I am fine with a woman saying “No sex till you deal with the porn”. However, she must have proven she is willing and able to be sexually available in the past for this be in any way fair. If she has been withholding, she is saying “I will stop my sin after you stop your sin.”

  61. Amazing reply! Men are the head; they need to respect their duties more so than wives-because their actions and inactions are teaching their wives.

  62. I don’t want to belittle anyone but most these reasons are crap.
    Too tired: Myself included it will literally take less then 10mins. Suck it up not just for your husband but yourself. There’s a good chance you will enjoy it and the more you do it the better it gets normally.
    To late got to get up early: That’s crap refer to “Too tired”. 10 mins won’t make or break your morning and will likely make you sleep better.
    No emotional connection: sex is filled with emotion, hormones, endorphins… I believe the physical will lead to emotional. That’s why there’s love at first sight. “Man I’d love to bang that hottie” bad example but point made. Build emotion on the physical.
    Stressed: Sex relieves stress. Scientific fact. Unless there’s like a abuse history or something. By the by. I am not a doctor or anything.
    He’s been rude RECENTLY: Really are you five. Get over it. If not then own him. Call him into the bedroom lock the door tell him to get to licking. Make him pay a lil. But not to much. I he likes it to much he’ll be rude all the time.
    Pain: Pending physical issue, and not to be rude, things stretch some and get better. Remember your first time.
    He thinks everything is ok: Well then talk to him tell him it’s not. Resolve the issue and get to humping. You can’t be angry for ever. Sex does help some issues. If the issues are that bad get counseling.
    Take to long to climax: Another fact… In general the more you has sex the easier it is to get there for women. For men it’s the other way. More sex more stamina. If nothing else teach your man how to get you there. If you teach him you will come. Field of dreams reference, boom.
    I don’t like how I look: My experience says I don’t like how I look means I don’t feel sexy. For starters if he wants sex from you it means you turn him on ie. he finds you sexy. Also sex is sexy, unless it’s dirty and nasty. Then it’s really sexy. More so, sex is exercise and fun sooo… It will burn calories, tighten things up, and if your man wanting doesn’t make you feel good then I don’t know what to say.
    It’s all he wants from me: Here’s another bad analogy… Think of your body like a bacon dog treat. Just walking and strutting threw the house looking all tasty. Got the dog drooling like crazy. Got the dog going nuts humping pillows and stuff. Then it’s bed time and you put the treat back in the drawer right next to where the dog sleeps. All night that dog is gonna dream about the bacon treat and how great it would to just lick it till there’s no flavor left in it. See what I do there. ;)
    So long story short. At some point you fell in love with this man. Lusted over him. Thought of nothing else but getting home to him. Then marriage, bills, kids, and on and on more excuses. And that’s what they are, excuses. Stop making excuses let him enjoy you an more so you enjoy him, sexually. Remember sex is FUN. Waxing an plucking body hair is not fun but you make time for that.

  63. So freaking true…I wish my wife would believe this. I just gave up trying to have sex with her..because when I do try and have sex with her she keeps telling me no. So I stopped trying.

  64. Every article about why women don’t want sex is all about what the husband is doing wrong. What crap. I work 9 hrs a day, i do the handoff to and from the nanny and care for the kids the extra two hoits until she gets home. I do the garbage, lawn care, my share of the cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I work out twice a week and am in the best shape of my life at 37. I want sex and I am doing everything right and still not getting it. My wife is too busy and she comes home cranky and tired and frigid as an ice cube. She needs to get her act together or I’m outta here. I’m a great dad and a good man and I know for a fact that I deserve better.

  65. TheGenerousHusband SonaFalk

    Good thing your fine with a wife’s defrauding since you seem to advocate it so much.  God however is not ok with it.  Who should one listen to…hmm  I think I will go with God on this one.

  66. Isaac you are likely another victim of the feminist directive.  The church is unwilling to teach some offensive to the world sections from the Bible in order to tickle the ears of women.  They call husbands to headship while making the true emphasis of the epistles of wife’s submission of none effect.  Women are considered to the spiritual gender because they eat up the twisting of Scripture and the Jesus is my girlfriend motif.  Ever since Augustine became celibate to avoid sexual temptation instead of obeying scripture to marry instead of burning the church has denigrated the sexuality of males; instead venerating the virgin,  (woman) worshiping the female and neutering men in front of thier wives with messages of male submission.  Movies like Fireproof that remove moral agency from women and make men subject to the feelings of thier wives is the ubiquitous message of the church. 

    It is time for a new man up message, but not really a new but the old Biblical one.  Husbands rule your households well, with your wife in subjection to the authority of Christ in you. Man up and tell her according to Peter and Paul that refusal or holding back sexually to her husband is an act of cosmic defiance and demonic reordering of God’s revealed will.  She should be taught that marriage is the rightful context for sex, not love or feelings.  (By feelings the church, Hollywood and culture means her feelings, not your feeling of desire, your feelings don’t count after all according to the feminist directive. )  

    Sir I mean no offense to you personally, only God’s best for you, but stop trying to buy your wife’s affection.  It makes her a prostitute and you a slave to her feelings.  Instead lead her according to the Word of God.  You must become not just in rank, but in practice the commander of your home, not for narricistic motives, but to honor God and sanctify your wife.  Yes she is not more holy due to her gender, but weaker. Remember Adam was condemned for giving in to please his wife when God had instructed him differently.  God held Adam culpable for not correcting Eve.  Likewise if you continue to give in and subordinate your authority to her feelings, God will hold you culpable because you were instructed differently.   If she continues to regulate sex take her to the elders, if they are white knight manginas who reflexively protect the wife and blame the man, stand up to them and call them to repentance according to the Bible.  In other words – learn the Word and play the man, trust in Christ and by faith apprehend that even this is designed for your ultimate good.

  67. IsaacHolden Given that I am talking to men here, I figure telling them what they can do to change things is the best plan. When I write to women, I talk about what they can change. For example, two years ago I wrote a post on this blog to women – http://bit.ly/PhbUjc .
    Your anger may or may not be justified, but it is not helping your situation. I doubt you are as near perfect as you think, just as your wife is not as near perfect as she thinks. You can each keep blaming the other, and end up divorced and then in new bad marriages, or you can both work on your own stuff.

  68. Being a woman, and wanting sex more frequently than my husband due to our pregnancy, I found this article somewhat amusing and incredible. We have sex every day, and I would love to increase that level most days. This isn’t purely because of a Biblical mandate, although I certainly believe a woman should worship her husband as the next level down from God. It’s rather because – my husband is hot, supportive, intelligent, in shape, and just the site of him makes me want to bend over and please and empower him; I normally feel this way, but with the pregnancy the intensity has reached outrageous proportions. I’ve definitely learned a person can be too selfish in the pursuit of sex; after waking up my husband at 1 AM he got rather upset for encroaching on his limited sleep time and indicated to never to do that again, no matter how horny I get. Must fit things in late at night and early in the morning; how’s that for “too tired” for you :). Straight from the mouth of a working man.

    I read this article kind of from the perspective of a wet dream, imagining that I were in a position to turn down sex and not the other way around. I was kind of incredulous about the excuses given at first, but, I think it makes sense – depending on the man. For me, it’s easy to strongly desire submitting to my husband because has A.) never betrayed my trust with lies, insincerity, or infidelity (and never flirts with other women, like some men I’ve seen do) B.) never watched porn since we got married (which is very blatant infidelity) C.) kept himself within the bounds of normal shape-wise D.) encouraged me unconditionally and our children E.) never emotionally abused me or our children (and has always been very approving of whatever body image I’m at) and F.) worked very hard to provide for our family, even sometimes under great stress. When I felt I couldn’t balance work and home, he allowed me to stay with our son without much complaint, though he could have easily given me a hard time about it, or held me in contempt for not pulling my weight financially. Though he would have had every right to take advantage of power imbalance, he never did. In short, he has done nothing to block the sentiment that I strongly feel most women are pre-programmed with: the desire to worship, empower, and submit totally to their husband. Outside of the raising of our children, my top goal is to shower him with gratitude, and to be continually, enthusiastically attentive to all of his needs; for me, sex is the ultimate way to say to one’s husband “I appreciate you, I worship you, I bow to your authority on every spiritual level.” I would posit that every truly good man who has selected a mate wisely, should easily be able to consistently elicit the same response from his wife. Probably not if she is waking up every 2 hours to breastfeed, or if she is medically, thoroughly ill, but, sans that.

    So, the question naturally becomes what men deplore to hear – “what is wrong with you?” I can honestly say, I’m not really a feminist, but if I were a man in that situation – I’d probably be thinking just that. Admit it, that’s probably why this bothers you so much to begin with – because witholding sex is often a means of rejection. So what valid reasons does a wife have for rejecting her husband? A couple of thoughts come to mind: have you violated the sacred trust and power which she has placed at your feet? Are you one of those guys who has to stare at every pair of passing breasts, compliment women – even with your wife present – or watch porn like it’s your job to make your wife feel inadequate and incapable? Are you openly and constantly comparing her body with that of other women, holding aging and medically acceptable weight gain against her; are you one of those people who has to let your wife know how ugly she is to you, or how much you want her to change – but then expect her to somehow have the confidence to bare her soul to you during sex? Do you threaten to cheat on her, or leave her – do you take away her feeling of safety? Do you beat her, ignore her, ignore her children, mistreat her/your children? Do you force her to work a hard job, and then to do all the housework too, but then hold her being tired against her? Do you reject her compliments, advances, tokens of affection – is sarcasm the way you show her you’re a man? Are you consistently rude and ungrateful in your home life? In short, I guess, all of the above could be paraphrased to “are you not representing God to her at all”? If this is you, why should you be worshiped – how can she respect you as a leader? Sure, I have no place telling you this as a woman but – I have no idea why a man would consciously choose to be less than his potential; every great man (and woman) is constantly self-examining themselves to try to be the “best they can be” for God, and for their family; are you? Only you can answer that. 

    Then again, there are also a slew of poorly bred or incapable women out there. But, I strongly believe there’s no way she could have “fooled” you at the beginning of your marriage, and morphed into something else. A lot of men will put up with a bad attitude because the woman looks great at first; they reap what they sow – if all they care about is appearance, they’ll wind up with nothing in time; and if you think lack of sex is bad, imagine what it will be like when you’re 80 and need someone to do your laundry then, or nurse you back to health from surgery. No self-centered beauty is going to do that for you, though I’m not trying to imply beautiful women are inherently more self-centered -simply that, if that’s all you noticed at first, why even be surprised later? On the other hand, she may be incapable of desire as well – either due to a hormonal imbalance or perhaps from starving herself; if you’re the kind of man who needs her to look a certain way (many men like the waif image) – you might be shooting yourself in the foot – a woman who employs extreme measures to secure that image for you may have to fight against lowered libido and work twice as hard to be as engaged as a woman who, say, is not under such stringent requirements.

    I used to think, for a very long time, that there were many good men out there just suffering needlessly under the persecution of selfish, ungrateful women, who obstinately and cruelly withheld submission from their husbands. For a time I thought – a husband is probably fully justified to force his wife into submission in such a situation, like beating a spoilt child. However, the more I became familiar with other women, and with the behavior of “typical” men, the more I realized – these women are actually suffering; they’re no different from the most devoted wives – they have all the capacity and desire – it’s their husbands who have told them in so many ways “no”; I feel sorry for the husbands too – clearly, they don’t see the consequence of their actions. But really, if a project goes bad – who do you hold accountable for it – the management or the employee? You hold the management, because the management has the power. In all Christian relationships, the man has the power. 

    I love that my husband has power over me. Never in a million years would I shrink from the opportunity to worship the ground he walks on.

  69. Being a woman, and wanting sex more frequently than my husband due to our pregnancy, I found this article somewhat amusing and incredible. We have sex every day, and I would love to increase that level most days. This isn’t purely because of a Biblical mandate, although I certainly believe a woman should worship her husband as the next level down from God. It’s rather because – my husband is hot, supportive, intelligent, in shape, and just the site of him makes me want to bend over and please and empower him; I normally feel this way, but with the pregnancy the intensity has reached outrageous proportions. I’ve definitely learned a person can be too selfish in the pursuit of sex; after waking up my husband at 1 AM he got rather upset for encroaching on his limited sleep time and indicated to never to do that again, no matter how horny I get. Must fit things in late at night and early in the morning; how’s that for “too tired” for you :). Straight from the mouth of a working man.

    I read this article kind of from the perspective of a wet dream, imagining that I were in a position to turn down sex and not the other way around. I was kind of incredulous about the excuses given at first, but, I think it makes sense – depending on the man. For me, it’s easy to strongly desire submitting to my husband because has A.) never betrayed my trust with lies, insincerity, or infidelity (and never flirts with other women, like some men I’ve seen do) B.) never watched porn since we got married (which is very blatant infidelity) C.) kept himself within the bounds of normal shape-wise D.) encouraged me unconditionally and our children E.) never emotionally abused me or our children (and has always been very approving of whatever body image I’m at) and F.) worked very hard to provide for our family, even sometimes under great stress. When I felt I couldn’t balance work and home, he allowed me to stay with our son without much complaint, though he could have easily given me a hard time about it, or held me in contempt for not pulling my weight financially. Though he would have had every right to take advantage of power imbalance, he never did. In short, he has done nothing to block the sentiment that I strongly feel most women are pre-programmed with: the desire to worship, empower, and submit totally to their husband. Outside of the raising of our children, my top goal is to shower him with gratitude, and to be continually, enthusiastically attentive to all of his needs; for me, sex is the ultimate way to say to one’s husband “I appreciate you, I worship you, I bow to your authority on every spiritual level.” I would posit that every truly good man who has selected a mate wisely, should easily be able to consistently elicit the same response from his wife. Probably not if she is waking up every 2 hours to breastfeed, or if she is medically, thoroughly ill, but, sans that.

    So, the question naturally becomes what men deplore to hear – “what is wrong with you?” I can honestly say, I’m not really a feminist, but if I were a man in that situation – I’d probably be thinking just that. Admit it, that’s probably why this bothers you so much to begin with – because witholding sex is often a means of rejection. So what valid reasons does a wife have for rejecting her husband? A couple of thoughts come to mind: have you violated the sacred trust and power which she has placed at your feet? Are you one of those guys who has to stare at every pair of passing breasts, compliment women – even with your wife present – or watch porn like it’s your job to make your wife feel inadequate and incapable? Are you openly and constantly comparing her body with that of other women, holding aging and medically acceptable weight gain against her; are you one of those people who has to let your wife know how ugly she is to you, or how much you want her to change – but then expect her to somehow have the confidence to bare her soul to you during sex? Do you threaten to cheat on her, or leave her – do you take away her feeling of safety? Do you beat her, ignore her, ignore her children, mistreat her/your children? Do you force her to work a hard job, and then to do all the housework too, but then hold her being tired against her? Do you reject her compliments, advances, tokens of affection – is sarcasm the way you show her you’re a man? Are you consistently rude and ungrateful in your home life? In short, I guess, all of the above could be paraphrased to “are you not representing God to her at all”? If this is you, why should you be worshiped – how can she respect you as a leader? Sure, I have no place telling you this as a woman but – I have no idea why a man would consciously choose to be less than his potential; every great man (and woman) is constantly self-examining themselves to try to be the “best they can be” for God, and for their family; are you? Only you can answer that. 

    Then again, there are also a slew of poorly bred or incapable women out there. But, I strongly believe there’s no way she could have “fooled” you at the beginning of your marriage, and morphed into something else. A lot of men will put up with a bad attitude because the woman looks great at first; they reap what they sow – if all they care about is appearance, they’ll wind up with nothing in time; and if you think lack of sex is bad, imagine what it will be like when you’re 80 and need someone to do your laundry then, or nurse you back to health from surgery. No self-centered beauty is going to do that for you, though I’m not trying to imply beautiful women are inherently more self-centered -simply that, if that’s all you noticed at first, why even be surprised later? On the other hand, she may be incapable of desire as well – either due to a hormonal imbalance or perhaps from starving herself; if you’re the kind of man who needs her to look a certain way (many men like the waif image) – you might be shooting yourself in the foot – a woman who employs extreme measures to secure that image for you may have to fight against lowered libido and work twice as hard to be as engaged as a woman who, say, is not under such stringent requirements.

    I used to think, for a very long time, that there were many good men out there just suffering needlessly under the persecution of selfish, ungrateful women, who obstinately and cruelly withheld submission from their husbands. For a time I thought – a husband is probably fully justified to force his wife into submission in such a situation, like beating a spoilt child. However, the more I became familiar with other women, and with the behavior of “typical” men, the more I realized – these women are actually suffering; they’re no different from the most devoted wives – they have all the capacity and desire – it’s their husbands who have told them in so many ways “no”; I feel sorry for the husbands too – clearly, they don’t see the consequence of their actions. But really, if a project goes bad – who do you hold accountable for it – the management or the employee? You hold the management, because the management has the power. In all Christian relationships, the man has the power. 

    I love that my husband has power over me. Never in a million years would I shrink from the opportunity to worship the ground he walks on.

  70. IsaacHolden No good man would rip his children away from their mother unless she were doing something grievously wrong to them. As a corollary, no good woman would rip a man’s children away from him unless  he were doing something grievously wrong to them. It’s one thing to cast one’s wife in a dishonorable light (even if it is a real depiction of her) – it’s another to threaten to break up your children’s chances of happiness. When you have a child, neither of you matter as much as the children; a truly generous and great man, would never have to be told that.

  71. fidelity121

    So if a wife does not desire her husband it must be his fault?  And if she lacks desire she is permitted to defraud him?   

    You say you are not a feminist,  but I do not think that word means what you think it means.

  72. Deposed fidelity121 Deposed, judging by your commentary on previous posts, I’m not sure that we will ultimately see eye to eye on things, only in that, I try to not view the world in a rigid black/white structure, because I find it renders me lacking empathy. I know per your beliefs you have a black/white value system, but I will try to address your question, even though my beliefs are not quite as rigid.

    That said, I don’t think it is a given that if a wife doesn’t desire her husband, it is his fault – but I do think, given our culture, that is a statistical probability; I’ve witnessed a lot of men behaving in ways that are (to me) deplorable, and I greatly pity the wives who must try to worship such men. In my opinion, if she lacks desire because he has basically slept with other women, whether in the flesh or in his mind, or divorced her in his soul, and actions – then I think she is permitted to defraud him as he defrauded her; I would view her “defrauding” (in my opinion), as less grievous then, say, a man who has first defrauded her by, I don’t know, sleeping with his secretary, or gym companion, or whatnot. That’s an extreme situation I think, but I’ve seen it happen. If she just lacks desire and the man is not at fault, of course her duty is to try to serve him. The sad reality is, very men aren’t contented with this; my man wants me to show desire, and actively participate in sex. If I “wasn’t into it” but still had sex, it would be quite valueless I think, even if Biblically speaking I were doing my duty or whatnot. 

    My main point was that, I truly believe women are generally well inclined to desire their husbands, and I’ve seen many women hurt by men; I really haven’t seen the opposite as much. That’s just been my experience. 

    I’m not afraid of labels so, if you want to label me a feminist and blame me for the ills of the world, go ahead; I rather consider myself a humanist, but, to each his own.

  73. fidelity121 Deposed 

    You do realize that humanism is in opposition to both the authority of God and Gospel don’t you?  It is the desire to be as God, you know the temptation given to Eve by the cunning serpent.  It just sounds so good doesn’t it?   Perhaps you should ask that hunk – a- burning love you married, he can no doubt wash and water you in the Word so that you are not blown astray by every wind of doctrine and help to root and ground you in the truth of God’s revelation.  But you should know that most Bibles are black and white, you might be more comfortable in one of those red-letter editions ;-)

  74. fidelity121 Thanks so much for your comments!
    On the issue of being too tired for sex in the middle of the night, I suspect that has more to do with him being sexually satisfied than anything else. If you were having sex once a week, I bet he would be all about being woken for sex!
    Your list of things your husband has done right for you is very instructive. He is a loving, caring husband, and that makes it easy for you to desire him sexually. These two things are connected.
    Your list of things men can do to mess up sex with their wife is also excellent. Many of these can be subtle, and a man may dismiss them as unimportant. Doing a few of these regularly is a sure way to hurt a wife’s interest in sex.

  75. fidelity121 IsaacHolden I agree with you on taking a child from their other parent. Sadly many do not see it that way. We are so about our own happiness we are willing to destroy our children in the name of our own interests. We do it both by divorce and by refusing to fully engage in our marriages.

  76. TheGenerousHusband fidelity121 I do believe he is sexually satisfied. I am not going to test that theory by depriving him but, I asked him if it were getting too much and he said no, it’s just right. Then he did say something that disturbed me a bit – “I need the exercise anyway.” I  was a little bit mortified to hear sex and exercise equated, as, to me, exercise is just a necessary evil. He then indicated that sex isn’t relaxing until the end for him – until then it’s a lot of effort, but added that it’s one he enjoys. I think I was just surprised that he appeared (to me) to enjoy my giving him a “back scratch / massage” more than the actual sex, I think that’s where the effort comment came up. I believe this is why he enjoys blow jobs so much, but, at the moment vomiting during the day from morning sickness, I’m not able to fully engage him on that level; I would not want to test my gag reflex in this condition. So there are some things that I could probably do better with him. I know he also has the desire to hurt me during sex, something he’s constantly conflicted about; I’d like to give him this desire but, my pain tolerance is ridiculously low. He feels guilty about this but, I can see how it factors into the domination fantasies, and, I do want him to feel powerful, but, the actual execution is a little more difficult (kind of like the drug free labor fantasy – sounds great until you’re dying for a way out). Several years ago, he did actually hurt me during sex kind of badly, to the point where I was bleeding later and I freaked out because I thought I might never be able to go to the bathroom without pain again. I was obviously over reacting but I called him a monster, something he holds against me to this day. Clearly, I do not feel his needs are monstrous, but it just goes to show how one over-reaction can lead to damaged intimacy over the years. I do fear that he may be bored by the “lighter” version of dominance/submission we regularly practice, but, it would be worse to try to promise something that I cannot fully deliver on. Worse, he has indicated to me that he wants me to actually enjoy the pain, and he realizes that since I am pain-averse that is impossible, that I would be pretending, which kills the whole thing for him. He says there’s a difference between me enjoying the pain itself and me wanting to please him, so, a difficult desire to fulfill. He’s never pushed the issue though, it just remains there – as a stretch goal.

    At any rate, my husband views sex as part of a whole range of shared activities in our marriage. Fortunately or unfortunately, it’s not the end all be all for him. I once cooked him chicken makhani (which takes about 2 hours to prepare from scratch), and I think in some joke he was saying that if he had to pick between the two he’d pick the dinner because it shows how much I love him given the effort put into it. Sometimes, I feel like sex is actually the “easiest” way to worship a man; it’s so much harder to raise his kids as a fully involved/attentive/attachment-parenting Mom, to keep a clean house, to have organic food prepared, to manage bills and, if a person has energy after all of that, to add to the family income. Sometimes I feel the myth of fulfilling a man purely sexually is kind of a female fantasy borne out of a lack of courage to fully embroil oneself in the less glamorous tasks that are so much harder to deliver on with grace. Regardless what many hard core fundamentalists may think, I still feel a measure of guilt over quitting my job to stay with my son – my husband could have had funds for his business ideas and a lab in the basement – I reject the hypothesis that a woman’s income is usually selfishly spent. Still, my husband helps me with this indicating that our son is more important than these things; neither of us felt comfortable with day care.

  77. TheGenerousHusband fidelity121 I grew from this mistake. I realized I’d gone for a man who, felt he was so great in and of himself, because of his ambition, and the state of success he had worked towards, that he no longer felt he needed to respect others. Certainly, any woman in his life was just free-loading off of his success. He could have so many women because of it, and this went to his head; he was incapable of commitment, and worse, had no basic empathy for others, or character. I decided right then and there that, from then on, character would be at the top of my list – character and fidelity. I really believe if the foundation is there, everything else lacking in a man can be built. That’s what made me fall in love with my husband – he was a man of solid character; he had compassion and tenderness, not just for me, but for all life in general. He was poor, he was uneducated, he wasted his whole life in comics and gaming – but, I knew one thing right off the bat: here was a man who understood devotion, who I’d never have to wonder about, who actually only needed and wanted one woman – me – even in my worst state possible. I think when he met me I was a solid 20 lbs over what I am now, I’d dropped out of school, I had debt – I had nothing to offer him but myself. And it was enough for him. He treasured me like I was gold – even when I was nothing. 
    When a woman feels real love, she becomes a powerhouse. She’s free from her insecurities, and in her gratitude blooms real capacity for worship.  I know the way I helped my husband would never fly with fundamentalists like Deposed, and people of that ilk. Because I enrolled with my husband in engineering school, and I worked very very hard with him to compensate for all the lack of training he’d had in math; there was definitely tough love about the comics and the videogaming. And yes, I once even threw his laptop into the lake when I found out he’d not been studying. I realize that’s not a woman’s place – but, my husband wanted to succeed – and he had nobody to push him through. He needed focus, and that’s what I provided. I truly feel a person can’t be too married to their gender role – at some point – you are married to your actual spouse – and – at some point – you can’t just be a cowering, weak female waiting for the man to find the right step; sometimes, to be a really strong female, you take his foot and you plant it there – not to be domineering, but to see him exalted in the end. My husband loves me for what I did for him, and when he graduated with a great GPA, the first in his family to go to college, I was so proud of him. When he got a NASA internship, my heart beamed. When he got hired full time at a Fortune 100 company, we were walking on air. I strongly believe I don’t have the same fears as some women do – who marry men when they are already successful, or who are married by men when they are at their best. I already loved my husband at his worst; he already accepted me at mine. 
    I do not regard myself as his equal; I came into this marriage, obviously, not being able to give him my first experience, which I squandered. He accepted me, and I did try to change not who he was – but his life circumstances. In an ideal universe, I would never have had to push him, or change him on any level. But we don’t live in an ideal universe. I saw his life would be better not crushing his back in the factory system – and I knew to raise a family, especially on on income, a person needs to have a certain type of job to really make that work. Maybe that makes me a feminist, the dreaded “ill of society”; I was a woman engineer. I did work for a while, helping to pay off both my and my husband’s college costs. I’m not ashamed of that. I don’t think I took something away from my husband. Going to work was not some empowering thing. It was a thing done for the benefit of our family. 
    I often wonder of this construct of ideal woman. It means so many things to different men. Submission too. Is it more honorable to watch your husband struggle on the sideline, honoring a social construct, or more honorable to step into the fight with him, and take some direct blows yourself? Is it more honorable to be silent, and let a man fall in his own vice, or, with gentleness and love, take his hand and pull out of the mire? Is passivity a virtue? What kind of mother would such a woman make? Can there be self-sacrifice without a self? 
    I guess Deposed is right. I am a feminist. I am a feminist who cleans her husbands’ clothes and house, cooks all his meals, washes his dishes, takes care of his kids, as frequent submissive sex with him, and lives dependent upon his income. But, I guess, for all the reasons mentioned above, I’m a feminist, in tow with all the loud talking, ball busting, “manly” alpha females. Quite a pickle.

  78. fidelity121 Deposed

    I’m not calling you anything and I deplore Hawthorne.  I was making a snide comment in response to yours not seeing the world as black and white.  The Bible can be very black and white ethically speaking, the red-letter edition is an attempt by some publishers to draw attention to the words spoken by Jesus. 

    Dr. John Frame stated it very well when he said Christian ethics is the application of God’s Word to people in situations. 

    Your assertion that men can do anything before God and not be sinful is false witness on your part and a slander.   I actually think men are held by God to account for their sins of omission (like not ruling his wife well) and commission like undo harshness to a wife who is not in submission.   Ommission like Not loving her by admonishment with the Word or allowing her feminist discontent and rebellion to grow unchecked.  Commission like  holding on to bitterness, abusive words that are nit intended to edify but cause pain and forsaking the wife of one’s youth or skirt chasing etc.  All sin all bad, I’ll thank you not to defame me with that slander again.

    BTW- good job asking your husband, it showed fidelity to 1 Corinthians 24:35.  Just saying!

  79. Deposed fidelity121 Sorry, was not trying to put words in your mouth, only to see if you did have areas where you felt men should be accountable. Sorry for being presumptive on that. 

    Thanks for clarifying about the red letter Bibles…I now realize what you were alluding to – we do have a version with the red lettering as well. I do value Jesus’ commentary.

    Thanks for the compliment about asking my husband; I always want to know what he thinks.

  80. Longinghubby

    If after all THIS WORK, it still doesn’t solve the problem, get a NEW wife. Preferably younger and more interested. Just be careful with the gold diggers.  If men have to do all this work just have a normal sex life, it’s time to call it quits or learn to live in a sexless marriage.  By golly, where are the articles about what WOMEN need to do to please their man?

  81. Longinghubby I wish I could send this message to my wife.  I just turned 70, she is 64.  We have been together since she was 26 and my sex drive was and is strong.  I need her physically now more than ever–I guess a fear that my sex life won’t last that much longer.  So now I want it every other day and that drivers her crazy.  She’s use to once a week and over in 10 minutes.  That doesn’t work any more.  I want to be with her sexually almost every day and she doesn’t want to do that.  We have a loving marriage and respect each other.  She just doesn’t understand me.  I was her first so she has no history.

  82. Longinghubby I wish I could send this message to my wife.  I just turned 70, she is 64.  We have been together since she was 26 and my sex drive was and is strong.  I need her physically now more than ever–I guess a fear that my sex life won’t last that much longer.  So now I want it every other day and that drivers her crazy.  She’s use to once a week and over in 10 minutes.  That doesn’t work any more.  I want to be with her sexually almost every day and she doesn’t want to do that.  We have a loving marriage and respect each other.  She just doesn’t understand me.  I was her first so she has no history.

  83. @ladybug Porn is a fantasy and women who don’t like their husband looking at it for any reason is naive.  My wife is not going to do most the things that are shown in porn and I don’t ask her to do what she doesn’t want to do. (a couple of exceptions) I love porn, I love my wife, and all is good.  She doesn’t like me looking at porn but doesn’t know if I do or not.  However, when she needed to get pregnant at age 46, she even said to watch porn while we made love to help arouse me.  (She must have read that somewhere because it’s hard to make love under those circumstances.  But it worked.  Our beautiful daughter is not 18.

  84. @ladybug Porn is a fantasy and women who don’t like their husband looking at it for any reason is naive.  My wife is not going to do most the things that are shown in porn and I don’t ask her to do what she doesn’t want to do. (a couple of exceptions) I love porn, I love my wife, and all is good.  She doesn’t like me looking at porn but doesn’t know if I do or not.  However, when she needed to get pregnant at age 46, she even said to watch porn while we made love to help arouse me.  (She must have read that somewhere because it’s hard to make love under those circumstances.  But it worked.  Our beautiful daughter is not 18.

  85. Deposed fidelity121  Deposed, you are seriously over the top. The ‘mood’ of your comments betray you. You seem more along the lines of the Scribes and Pharisees than any reflection of what Jesus Christ espoused. You’re treading a dangerous line in your private interpretation and self-righteous regurgitation of Scripture. Just thought you should know how you sound. God bless.

  86. Deposed  Why is it that you seem to forget that Christ was called the Second Adam? He forsook Glory to seek after and redeem His Bride. Adam forfeit Eden for the love of his wife, foreshadowing Christ. There is something sinister and warped in your view of what manly leadership and the wife’s submission really is, according to the Bible. You need to pray about this and let God give you a balance and wisdom in the Scripture. Know the Author, not just the script.

  87. So much happy that my ex wife that left me for the past 3month is back home since i contacted Dr. Ikhine for help through his email which is agbadado@gmail.com or you can call him on +2347060552255 for fast response to solve your problem

  88. Not emotionally connected – he’s a selfish, rude, lying SOB who is so fake! He wants to believe everything is ok and the few tiny things he does do for me means I owe him. He wrecks any relationships with friends and family so he can have me all to himself, then lies about why our relationship is rotten and because he has destroyed my friendships, I never get a chance to explain my side. The few times I did have a chance to explain my side, he totally denied everything – flat out lied about it. I am not a mean or deceitful person and I am just sick and tired of it. I can’t connect with him because it feels like a F***. I don’t want to give something very precious to me to an A-hole.

  89. here’s my feelings on this after years of basically sexless marriage. 1st let me say I do understand my own faults. have we seen eye to eye on everything? No. Have I been the perfect husband? No. Have I been selfish or mean or grumpy have I had bad days at work and carried that frustrating home? Yes. And I confess that my walk with Christ have been up & down over the years however I have never cheated nor have I ever been abusive. I’ve come to the belief that most people think as long as I’m not UNfaithful (adultery) it really doesn’t matter if I stay faithful (keeping all marriage vows and biblical commands) and therefore I can play any childish game I want to when things don’t go my way. Atleast in my marriage like I stated before I’m not perfect. I do not believe my wife as ever cheated on me however I most definitely feel cheated. I feel cheated out on all the anniversary, birthdays, vacations, holidays and on any given Tuesday that she chooses to watch tv & playing on phone or computer and then comes to bed being “too tired” really? 1st of all I work nights so only 2 nights a week we can actually go to bed together so is it too much to ask that I should get her attention and energy for atleast 1 of those nights? 2nd I am tired of every article I read on this topic basically comparing sex to a chore or something women exchange for men doing chores. if you don’t want to have sex with the person you married than you probably should just get a divorce because in my view you are not really caring about Biblical commands anyway so why not just cut you losses and free the other. ok going back to the idea of UNfaithful vs not being faithful. lets use the church as the bride of Christ as an example. Example 1 we have a christian in name only doesn’t attend worship rarely opened the bible but tries to pray before bed if thier not “too tired” example 2 a person who totally leaves the church starts worshipping some other gods. Wich do you think the bridegroom prefers? The bible teaches that he would rather us be cold or hot but since we are neither he will spite us out. as a human groom in my words I want her hot and on fire for me or cold enough to divorce me. Being neither hot the way I need or being cold enough to leave has done irreparable damage to our marriage and at some point I will spite her out of my life. Unfortunately life is too short and by that time I will be a shell of a man and not much use to any other women

  90. here’s my feelings on this after years of basically sexless marriage. 1st let me say I do understand my own faults. have we seen eye to eye on everything? No. Have I been the perfect husband? No. Have I been selfish or mean or grumpy have I had bad days at work and carried that frustrating home? Yes. And I confess that my walk with Christ have been up & down over the years however I have never cheated nor have I ever been abusive. I’ve come to the belief that most people think as long as I’m not UNfaithful (adultery) it really doesn’t matter if I stay faithful (keeping all marriage vows and biblical commands) and therefore I can play any childish game I want to when things don’t go my way. Atleast in my marriage like I stated before I’m not perfect. I do not believe my wife as ever cheated on me however I most definitely feel cheated. I feel cheated out on all the anniversary, birthdays, vacations, holidays and on any given Tuesday that she chooses to watch tv & playing on phone or computer and then comes to bed being “too tired” really? 1st of all I work nights so only 2 nights a week we can actually go to bed together so is it too much to ask that I should get her attention and energy for atleast 1 of those nights? 2nd I am tired of every article I read on this topic basically comparing sex to a chore or something women exchange for men doing chores. if you don’t want to have sex with the person you married than you probably should just get a divorce because in my view you are not really caring about Biblical commands anyway so why not just cut you losses and free the other. ok going back to the idea of UNfaithful vs not being faithful. lets use the church as the bride of Christ as an example. Example 1 we have a christian in name only doesn’t attend worship rarely opened the bible but tries to pray before bed if thier not “too tired” example 2 a person who totally leaves the church starts worshipping some other gods. Wich do you think the bridegroom prefers? The bible teaches that he would rather us be cold or hot but since we are neither he will spite us out. as a human groom in my words I want her hot and on fire for me or cold enough to divorce me. Being neither hot the way I need or being cold enough to leave has done irreparable damage to our marriage and at some point I will spite her out of my life. Unfortunately life is too short and by that time I will be a shell of a man and not much use to any other women

  91. yes I know this is an old feed and sorry for if that was a little hard to follow it is the middle of a very frustrating night

  92. yes I know this is an old feed and sorry for if that was a little hard to follow it is the middle of a very frustrating night

  93. pretty much the way I feel about it. Although asuming there in no abuse or adultery. at best it’s a medical issue that they should be seeking medical help for, if not for herself atleast for her husband. And at worst it’s a way of controlling over the man just for kicks or as some way of punishment for some wrong perceived or real. Or it even morchildishly because she didn’t get her way about something

  94. pretty much the way I feel about it. Although asuming there in no abuse or adultery. at best it’s a medical issue that they should be seeking medical help for, if not for herself atleast for her husband. And at worst it’s a way of controlling over the man just for kicks or as some way of punishment for some wrong perceived or real. Or it even morchildishly because she didn’t get her way about something

  95. tryinghusband It does seem we have reduced what is expected in marriage to a very short list. A list which is much shorter than what the Bible says. This gives the power to the spouse who is willing to manipulate and withhold. 
    I agree, we need to talk more about being faithful and doing what is right.

  96. Her body just doesn’t want sex is what she tells me and I’m still a wild stallion that enjoys sex

  97. jdj1989 I’m sure that is her perspective, but odds are it’s her mind, not her body. Getting her to see that is not an easy, or even possible task.

  98. jdj1989 I’m sure that is her perspective, but odds are it’s her mind, not her body. Getting her to see that is not an easy, or even possible task.

  99. Fellas- 
    Can you imagine using just about any one of these EXCUSES (yeah, I said it) to explain to your boss why you don’t feel like you should have to show up to work? Can you imagine using one of these excuses to explain to a family court judge why you are not taking care of your wife and kids? Maybe this is why women make 77 cent for every dollar a man makes… it’s still more than you deserve. 

    In all honesty, family courts should grant an automatic divorce, plus alimony, for a man whose wife won’t put out. Laying on your back is, quite literally, the easiest thing in the world to do, unless you enjoy snacking on a box of thumb-tacks in bed. Until the courts fix the damage wrought by Feminism, the only thing any respectable man can do is “work late”, and I think we all know what that means.

  100. Duneman05 If sex is a job, rather than part of a loving relationship, you comparison is fair. Then you suggest a woman’s place in sex is lying on her back. I’m no fan of feminism, but neither am I for treating a woman like a warm place to put it.

  101. JonadabTheRecobite TheGenerousHusband SonaFalk Generous Husband is CLEARLY placed himself beneath his wife. His name, his words, his actions speak volumes to levels that he will stoop to excuse the bad behavior of women. In some communities they call this a ”mangina” or ”simp” but I won’t go there. Deposed you are 100% correct in everything you say. Generous seems to be perfectly happy with the excuses typical women make and he is either a sucker to their game or worships at their feet to the point that he sides with women in nearly every discussion. He isn’t a man of God but more of a boy of God who has yet to understand that simply because a woman attaches the name of Christianity to herself that it doesn’t make her any different than any other woman. Their bodily functions and wiring are the same. Their lack of sympathy for men is generally the same. Their need and desire to be seen as perfect and coddled at all times prevents them from having good sex. Most women by the age of 30 are completely lazy and selfish in bed despite what they tell everyone. It is a woman’s nature to be as a spoiled brat and blame shift everything onto their husband when things aren’t going their way. GenerousHusband does not any any way shape or form understand justice and fairness. He thinks the man is responsible for all of the sins of the husband and the wife, combined; while the wife gets to play her childish blame shifting game with only God to answer to. Here we have a man with NO sympathy of forgiveness of any kind for men. Something that is a sin. He usually throws in a Bible verse and tries to appear as if he is giving good advise but it’s merely a slap in the face to men and a pat on the back to the women readers that he’s sucking up to. There is no doubt in my mind that he is adulterous if he is this prone to always siding with women. He can say that he defends the Bible but this is just to clear himself of his own sin of defrauding men of the advice they are asking of him. This man is only after the likes and views of women and it’s a shame that anyone (man or woman) would listen to him. Validating women’s need to be right all the time is a good way to end up in the gutter or in a sexless relationship. Choose wisely and do not let men like GenerousHusband who most likely has a wife that is bought and paid for in ever sense of the definition give you advice on how to be a husband or wife. He’ll turn your wife into a selfish prostitute and you into a slave at your wife’s foot. Good bless all of you. Proverbs 15:9 
    “The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord,
    but he loves him who pursues righteousness.”

  102. Generous Husband is CLEARLY placed himself beneath his wife. His name, his words, his actions speak volumes to levels that he will stoop to excuse the bad behavior of women. In some communities they call this a ”mangina” or ”simp” but I won’t go there. Deposed you are 100% correct in everything you say. Generous seems to be perfectly happy with the excuses typical women make and he is either a sucker to their game or worships at their feet to the point that he sides with women in nearly every discussion. He isn’t a man of God but more of a boy of God who has yet to understand that simply because a woman attaches the name of Christianity to herself that it doesn’t make her any different than any other woman. Their bodily functions and wiring are the same. Their lack of sympathy for men is generally the same. Their need and desire to be seen as perfect and coddled at all times prevents them from having good sex. Most women by the age of 30 are completely lazy and selfish in bed despite what they tell everyone. It is a woman’s nature to be as a spoiled brat and blame shift everything onto their husband when things aren’t going their way. GenerousHusband does not any any way shape or form understand justice and fairness. He thinks the man is responsible for all of the sins of the husband and the wife, combined; while the wife gets to play her childish blame shifting game with only God to answer to. Here we have a man with NO sympathy of forgiveness of any kind for men. Something that is a sin. He usually throws in a Bible verse and tries to appear as if he is giving good advise but it’s merely a slap in the face to men and a pat on the back to the women readers that he’s sucking up to. There is no doubt in my mind that he is adulterous if he is this prone to always siding with women. He can say that he defends the Bible but this is just to clear himself of his own sin of defrauding men of the advice they are asking of him. This man is only after the likes and views of women and it’s a shame that anyone (man or woman) would listen to him. Validating women’s need to be right all the time is a good way to end up in the gutter or in a sexless relationship. Choose wisely and do not let men like GenerousHusband who most likely has a wife that is bought and paid for in ever sense of the definition give you advice on how to be a husband or wife. He’ll turn your wife into a selfish prostitute and you into a slave at your wife’s foot. Good bless all of you. Proverbs 15:9 
    “The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord,
    but he loves him who pursues righteousness.”- See more at: http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2012/06/23/why-wives-say-no-to-sex-and-what-a-man-can-do-about-it/#sthash.JhQzBDRR.dpuf

  103. Navy 95, When I came home from submarine duty in 1985, I went back to my civilian UAW job I had been on military leave from since 1979 in a big three transmission plant. Under the contract since I went on the leave before I was laid off my seniority continued. on for the hitch I was in, when I came home I came home to one crazy bunch of people both at home and at work they did not want me to use my accrued seniority to take my rights on the job. like shift preference job preference, vacation slot preference, refusing or working the holiday periods I wanted. I came home after a back to back patrol of six months, and the first thing I found was a note from my father to leave my wife of three and a half years alone who I had not seen in that long due to the term you might have heard, the needs of the navy,
    I found myself yanked out by my father 45 minutes after I walked in the door with him screaming that I had to go reinstate that morning to work. my effective date of discharge was not till midnight the next day, They put me on 12 hour shifts before I was even able to find civilian cloths on seconds, the second day I was yanked out again and my father was screaming to find a place to live. He said let my wife alone I could pick a place to live without her. My mother got my wife into the living room fearful I was going to strangle my father by pinning him on the ceiling of his living room. She came out ready to go and we left with him screaming I had no time to deal with her It only took us a few hours to find the house we wanted and I took her back and had to get ready to go back to work.
      When I got back to work I found out why my command had kept me so busy. I was approached by a process server who handed me a state directed guardianship on my wife, my command had not notified me she was Bi Polar. for almost a two year time Scizo effective.
     I then went in and put my bump in to days that next morning I got off the sofa and went to the military relocation office at the air base and arranged to get my wifes things taken to the house we decided on I had the storage shed she had packed and moved between my patrol getting in and my out processing.
       When I got home that day my father was home from his job. There were two women there and a pretty blond just crying her eyes out, she was telling my father I was so mean for bumping her of days, and my father yells I am not home for three days before starting trouble he said you are going to stay were you are at and leave this girl on days, I mentioned I had almost nine years seniority now and she barely had a month. she was the lowest seniority in the department, My father told my wife you had better say something here.
       She tells me until I can just not disrupt lives with my own selfish wants she had to hold our marriage as a promise for the future. I told her to take a flying leap about that two years later when I sent her back to her mother for not allowing marital relations. everything I wanted in my life I was being expected to do for everyone else and that night I grabbed my old sleeping bag out of my fathers garage and went and stayed at my new house. I stayed angry and without sex from June 1985 to October 24 2009.the only days I did not work was from August 1st 2001 to August 6th 2001when I was recovering from a brain tumor removal. My doctor felt that I needed 60 days to recover, my coworkers and my father and his friends felt that 60 days was to long for me to have off, they decided I needed 1 tenth of that time because I did not work standing on my head,
       I decided that day I was not staying on the job I was on or on seconds any longer. Three months later I put my 23 years seniority up on a job bid in a brand new plant on 3rd shift. My father came over with his best friend and county commissioner. Started screaming about me taking the job the son of his best friend wanted and as a county commissioner he had a right to expect his son should get the first pick on the job even though his seniority was only eight years. My wife comes to me and tells me if I would just stay where I was at she would show me the greatest sex I would ever experience. I told her to go cry wolf someplace else because I knew she did not mean it and besides if I stayed i9 would never5 get a day off would I . She started crying and said I will even go to your father and everyone to get you the time you want off. I think I started laughing about her lying to me and told her to drop dead I would go find a new wife as soon as she was in the ground.
        She told my father that this time I was not backing down. And she was told to bolt me out of the house when I was going to be taught defiance was not an option for me. I put 4 men into a trauma care center the next morning including the commissioners son and the man my wife had as an interest. He still is waiting for a new heart after I drove several ribs into it.
       My bawl baby father asked if a dam job was worth this, and he looked through the destroyed front door at my crying wife who when I kicked the door and frame in on her I told the next time she tried getting me hurt it had better be a sniper many blocks distant or she would be going to autopsy.
       My father and his friends decided I was to dangerous to deal with unarmed after that night and started forcing me to do as they wanted for holidays, weekends and vacations with shotguns or pistol. My father was so angry I signed all the paper work at the Hospital when I let myself get very depressed  I developed MRSA in my spine. I went the next three years under rehab care relearning to walk. three strokes and one heart surgery I went home at the beginning of February 2013. Within 2 weeks I hammered another of my wife’s interests in to senselessness after fracturing his scull with my cane. My wife was crying nobody expected you to be out of a wheel chair or be able to function as a man. I had to go to a stress center for two weeks, When I came home everyone was surprised my father tried to get them to keep me or at least make me walk the 20 miles home the temp was a static 20 below with wind chill at  minus 40 and he wants them to send me home walking in a light jacket, and cane in hand, The center said my insurance would cover the ride home. I arrived at about 4 pm and walked through the patio door to find my wife getting ready to go to a political fund raiser as my fathers best friends escort. as well as with my father and mother. and I again decided I was done taking their BS.
        My wife was backing through the living room as I advanced on her she was pleading and begging me to pick a place after the event and everyone that needed to could get there and talk to me about what I would be allowed now they could try and get everything to every ones need and satisfaction including mine. One that word allowed was not going to be used in my home ever again against me. Two. I did not care what everyone needed to get in satisfaction starting right them my satisfaction was what counted and what she wanted did not count any longer. I did not give her the optio0n of refusing me as I ripped the dress I had paid 800.00 on , then everything else came off as she begged me to please understand that there were other needs than mine to consider and since I had not been with a woman in 31 years I could hurt her. I said good, After I finished I threw her the phone and told her to go ahead and embarase herself I would take her journals and use them against her.
       She has not stopped crying since. My father got his to when I broke his neck in March as I invited myself on this years vacation trip to Cancun and he felt I was way out of bounds.

  104. MY wife says the one bullied in his life has become the bully in return, she says that I have reduced her and everyone else’s life into terror because I am not willing to forgive and forget 42 years of abuse, First from my father and his such good friends in teaching me a lesson of respect to my betters.
       What happened 42 years ago in my senior year has shaped my life I guess and I will not forget or forgive what was done to me then, This was years before I joined the Navy and the fall of my senior year of high school. I had taken a split enlistment in the Army I went to Basic training and the first part of my AIT between my senior year and junior year to go back and get my diploma, MY senior year I was assigned TDY to the local guard unit.
        I came back massed out at 205 lbs from my Junior years 183, I was hard. fast. and had endurance. I arrived from the airport just in time for registration for my senior year directly from the airport in full dress greens. Almost every girl from the three higher classes wanted to talk to this big guy in uniform and that was the first thing my father got mad at. He said why did I even travel back in uniform. I told him it was regs. He said do you know how many parents were really ticked at you for showing up the way you did, why didn’t I change out of uniform before going to register and my first football practice. I showed him I had to go buy all new because nothing I had fit any longer.
       The reason why it was not the most popular thing to show up in was the Viet Nam war was still going on. I went for my next practice the next morning and started using the teamwork I had been taught and I helped several other seniors to the point they could get on first string. We were lock stepped and rarely missed a block or tackle. The day before the first game we were having the A string B string scrimmage to hone the play plan, the four of us walked into the field house and we were pretty happy we were A string starters and the we got told the coach wanted to talk to us. He told us he was sorry but he had to put four sophmors in our places, We asked why and he just said it had to be this way.
       We went out and they decided to dig things into us saying its better having the position of who you know instead of what you know,  and walked out to the field laughing. All four had fathers on the school board. So as the b string we had defense first On the kick off the first second year bit the dust when we kicked of. our kicker put it in the hands of the running back that received the. ball and the four of us ran right over the first  second year and, he thought we were going to take it easy on him since he was now a starter and we did not he had to be transported off the field. The next play was a pull play We used a 4×4 defence I turned into the pull after shooting the gap and delivered a forearm to the next princeling. hit him so hard he knocked down the ball carrier and we recovered. We got sorted out after he to had to go off the field.  My father in the bleachers was screaming for me to come to the fence, I ignored him and went back for the next play. I could tell he was extremely mad at me. The one that I hit so hard was the son of his best friend, the last to left the field and told the coach they quit we were playing to rough for them. At the end of the practice my father stormed on to the field telling the coach he would straighten us out, he was screaming that was the worst display of bad sportsman ship he had ever witness from young men about to go out in the real world, he looked at me and said I know you were the one to plan this and we will talk at home.
       I arrived home and my father, the four school board members and their sons were waiting, my mother had not arrived home yet. I started to step out of my dodge when the head of a golf driver appeared in my sight. The next thing I knew I woke up nearly sundown tied to a tree with zip ties, my shirt was off and my father was screaming these men serve the people of this community they should get some perks for themselves and family members without someone like you deciding you have the same rights they do. He told me I was being taught a lesson in reality and respect for my betters. He said you can say you are sorry and we will cut you down and consider that lump on your noggin as the punishment, I spit at them and said they were all a bunch of small minded lice, my father said OK you need a lesson. this year when my wife and mother found out about what they did next in family therapy. My mother said if she had known, five men would be dead including your father, he told her that it was my fault if I had only cried out instead of passing out without a sound they would have stopped whipping me as they took turns with extension cord, my wife had always thought I had been hurt in the army from all the scaring on my back, I had to have 153 stiches that weekend and three units of blood. I swore to myself then any one else laying there hands on me without my say I was going to take down.
       I amended that since 2001 to include using weapons to intimidate me. my father in the army stopped a relationship with a Hawian girl and felt that I had dirtied myself with a non-white girl. From that day he made it his life’s mission to never let me touch another woman.
       I did not want him to know I was getting married but my mother in law sent them a wedding announcement. and from the first day my father interfered in my marital life.
       HE explained to the therapist that there were a myriad of reasons my life needed to be one of work and service. number one was my lack of respect to those in the community that were of higher social and political stature than myself. he said he even told a governor he was not doing something the governor ordered, he told him he did not work for the state. My father said I can’t understand his lack of respect to people better than him.
       I explained I don’t owe people my allegiance, I owe the idea of equality and freedom from tyranny such as his. I admit I can care less the life my wife thought she could lead. I did not give her the choice of letting m have sex with her two years ago she was 49 and begging me to not do what I was intending to please try and make peace with everyone first, peace is the last thing I want from that bunch.
       She sits and cry’s that it would have been just a few more years until I got my rights without a fight from any one, she said but you decided that you were not waiting any longer in 2001 and you started hurting people over them. She said there had to be some thing you really could have talked through and not turned into the bully you became over your rights.

  105. So frustrating, my libido is fire, hers is non existent but she is SO hot, it’s killing me ..

  106. Pingback: I Love Having Sex…Just Not With My Husband. | Not So Happily Ever After…

  107. I am sure those person who always reject sex are  those person who doesn’t have sex desire on you… correct me if i am wrong… and i want you to know that this persons are not trying anything to satisfy your sex life. so i suggest find another one who desires you sexually as what you are…

  108. Wow, I did a search on why my wife does not want sex and I found this site. I spent a lot of time reading and while I agree with a lot of the comments, I just thought I’d share my experience. I’m mid-40’s and my wife and I have been married for 20 years. In the beginning, we could not get enough of each other. It was great! We’d have mid-day meetings for sex, early morning sex, midnight sex… brother, it was all good. We had our first child and expectedly, things slowed down… we had our second child, and again, things slowed even further. After a few years, our sex life has really come to a crawl. I talked to her about it some and she basically blew it off like it was not a huge problem. But yes, it is… I may be mid-40’s, but I live a high stress life and I need my wife to help me relieve this stress at least once a week! I am lucky to get sex once a month now. Our last conversation, about a month ago, involved “the reasons why couples divorce” to which I added the FACT that men will mess around if they don’t get it at home. Probably not the right thing to say, but it is so true… When your spouce is not putting out, there is only so much masturbation can help with! Honestly, I have not cheated, nor am I planning on it… but I do get flirted with, often… and the lack of sex only makes it tempting! I love my wife and all I want is all aspects of a healthy relationship… women (in general) are just ridiculously fickle!! Thanks for letting me vent!!

  109. This is what makes me laugh, it is incredible how many
    Christian men claim to be some great catch but treat their wives even worse
    than non- Christian men. It is not about acting the part it’s about being the
    great man God wants to be not just to fool a wife into thinking your great just
    to marry her and get sex from her. When are you going to understand that sex
    and a relationship isn’t a transaction, that’s what I have a business partner
    for not a lover and best friend.
    If I just used a man for sex and pretended to be loving just
    to get my needs served the next morning I would expect him to start refusing. Contrary
    to non – evidence based trash that is put out there women are naturally very
    sexual, they are just manipulated into being a lot less sexual or to perform
    for husbands like a stupid pet. If a woman expresses desire that’s intense ,strong
    and expresses it regularly or very regularly Men don’t tend to like it. They
    feel that although they want to sexual woman they don’t want one that is too
    sexual apparently it makes them feel emasculated. It clear that so many men on
    this blog, only understand sex on a physical level not mental, spiritual,
    emotional. No wonder you feel empty, frequency won’t change that you may as
    well just masturbate, sex has aspects DUH. Women aren’t dumb we can sense the
    user smell from a mile away, sex is important to women too ; just leave our sex
    drives alone !!! women have tastes, desires, preferences that vary from woman
    to woman. Men however have very similar tastes which are missionary sex , from
    behind  and BJ’s which is VERY BORING and
    not sexually exciting and wait just pleases YOU. Do you offer her oral, have
    sex in the positions she likes, do you respond to her initiating; doubtful!

  110. A real sexual woman   Some men are as you say, but it’s not all or even the norm. Plenty of men want and enjoy a woman who is as into sex as they are.
    Beyond that, I talk to plenty of men, and many are eager to learn ways to make sex better for their wife. All too often these men are married to women who want nothing of it.
    We have broken people on both sides

  111. themarriagebed hmmmmm some is an understatement, it is the norm as few men can handle a woman with a sex drive that is as strong or more intense than his. It is a shame that women have fallen prey this frigid card which is  totally contrary to our natures. 

    I am sorry women don’t come with manuals each of us comes with different desires and tastes. Men come with simlar ones and apply the same concept on his body to hers; it doesn’t work!!

    It is really really simple but you have be a strong man to be able to handle this………………………………. you have to be vunerable, raw and real men like this RARELY have to initate. In this respect this is what every woman wants.

  112. A real sexual woman  themarriagebed  Given the rarity of such women, or at least them acting it out, it’s tough to say how many men can handle it. 
    I find female desries are far more varied than male, which makes it even more difficult for men.
    I agree all healthy women want vulnurability from a man, and many men are afraid of that to some degree.

  113. themarriagebed  this is really not rare amongst women, Christian women are
    brainwashed into being frigid, being sexually aggressive is considered not
    fitting for a woman. Its actually annoying and makes me want to puke. In my
    culture a sexual woman is considered normal, NOT WEIRD!
    The answer is no man can actually enjoy sex if he is obstructing
    or manipulating his wife’s sexual preferences into what he wants, he naturally
    feels empty and compensates with regularly . Sorry  that is as dumb as shooting yourself in the
    head and expecting someone else to die! The fuss is really coming about due to
    regularly of sex and very little else, this is important nobody wants the twice
    a week rule.  However the quality of the
    sex isn’t great if the guy is in control of the style and rituality constantly,
    women just get bored and the regularity slips. Bluntly speaking from a woman’s
    point of view what is the difference between you ( her husband) and having sex
    with another guy. Nothing as she has no clue who you are a sexual being just
    brainwashed ideas of what a man should like, which often isn’t that exciting.
    So many studies have shown that women having varied sexual tastes hugely
    benefit the relationship, it’s a plain lie that it makes it difficult.

    A man is designed by God to be sexually open to be explored
    and desired, he feels MUCH more secure that way ( no security isn’t a female
    thing) , forget the nonsense society says. A man would be a fool to say, oh my
    wife wants me A LOT, not sex from other men but ME I enjoy being vulnerable
    with her and open to her ideas. Says NO MAN ever !! It is completely contrary
    to his PERFECT sexual design. Let’s get back to how we were meant to be.

  114. A real sexual woman  themarriagebed  I certainly won’t argue Christianity has messed up sexuality for women – and for men. But when I look at other cultures what I mostly see is different but still broken expectations.
    Sadly some men can enjoy sex when they should not. Or at least they think they are enjoying it. It would be far better for them if they were healthier. 
    While I hear you on a “twice a week rule” the reality for most men is they would rather have “poor sex” twice a week than great sex three times a month. There is a very real quantity issue for men, and when women discredit this they are shooting themselves in the head.
    I think we agree on your bottom line. We’ve messed sex up so much it’s a wonder any of us even bother. 
    Finally, I am very open to my wife’s ideas, and increasingly vulnerable with her. Yes it’s counter-culture, but very much biblical. And while I am not the norm, I am not alone.

  115. themarriagebed A real sexual woman   Agreed but women have suffered much more, our sexuality is controlled,
    in Old Testament times it was presumed that women were sexual aggressors. Delilah,
    Jebel,  Potiphar’s wife, the lady in SOS,
    these women enjoyed anything from bondage to pointing out men’s physical stature
    in strong detail. Don’t forget Solomon was warned over and over about women ‘capturing
    him’  These days women are by comparison
    quite frigid we are told to perform for husbands and all that trash, in short
    the sexual energy we have has been squashed. 

    Men these days are very uncomfortable
    with a sexual woman apparently they would rather have rubbish sex than feel emasculated
    (sorry that’s in your head) you have a woman waiting to have sex with you, it
    is blatant testament to your sexuality and manliness otherwise she wouldn’t go
    there. Fortunately the cultural struggle I am blessed to not be fighting
    against.   

    Well for women your either enjoying the sex or you aren’t it
    is pretty black and white, we can’t fool ourselves in it. I like to call it the
    quality control button.  Regularity is important
    with that we are in agreement but from what it appears I am not sure men  generally can really define great sex. It is extremely
    unlikely for a woman to say she is having mind blowing sex and he isn’t in
    agreement because that is how you are made. This is why I personally think that
    women should be in charge of the sexual aspect of their relationship, as a rule
    we really don’t like poor sex it’s a HUGE problem. I have known it to awoken
    women into cheating, no I do not condone this!
    Well I am glad to hear you can think outside the cultural
    box, you might not be alone but you are extremely rare. You don’t have to be
    stuck with a man that is not great in bed despite 1000000000000 attempts to
    tell him what looks and feels great. Men are built to be open but when bedroom
    antics are filled with your ideas it becomes boring. I am getting tired of
    hearing ‘ oh again; we had sex three hours ago/ last night’  ‘ that’s a little rough’ ( barely being aggressive)
    ‘ your very often on top, why?’ ( as though that isn’t normal )  ‘ you want to see what!!!?’ the WORST ONE ‘you
    are very sexual for a woman’  I don’t get
    what’s so shocking its normal , men know how to discuss sex in primal ways but
    when it comes to doing the deed properly your very very shy.
    My advice to women to avoid being stuck in my situation be
    in control, bring as many ideas to the bedroom as possible (with biblical constraint
    of course) if you don’t you will end up with a husband that’s all talk and very
    little action just let him focus on regularity if you’re  not open to regularly that’s where he can
    help. Dear men, just some advice please don’t think because you discuss sex or
    think about it makes you great in bed. We find out soon after the I do’s and it
    annoys us, we know what great sex looks like, we will put up with ok for a
    short while before we get sick of it. You want to know what makes you manly to
    the point that you are fantasizing about the next time your wife I going to
    grab you. Be totally open , for some dumb reason someone may have told you
    that, that it is for the woman to be open. The horrible lies , such as men
    cannot make a lot of noise , want to be on the bottom often, cry or enjoy
    cuddling.  It is a masculine power you possess
    when your open , really open we can see , feel , smell it; it sucks when you
    hide it we don’t like it. Men who unlock this power ( that all of you have been
    built with) usually have to turn down sex as they find they have an extremely thirsty
    wife. These men are extremely masculine!

  116. Dated  for 5 years no sexual intercourse during this time.Got married and within 1 week I could see that there was a definite problem she was not into it and i could never get her to open up about it . I thought she would get passed it but 14 years later it ended our marriage. Can’t understand how when we dated she was intimate but after we got married almost nothing.

  117. Dated  for 5 years no sexual intercourse during this time.Got married and within 1 week I could see that there was a definite problem she was not into it and i could never get her to open up about it . I thought she would get passed it but 14 years later it ended our marriage. Can’t understand how when we dated she was intimate but after we got married almost nothing.

  118. fidelity121 Thank you.  If only men could truly understand this and not try to defend themselves (to themselves) and quit blaming their wife.  Most men are self-centered even though they believe they aren’t.  If they were wife-centered (being Christ-centered first and foremost) instead, there would be no sex issue to deal with. Be the leader, love your wife like Christ loved the church, listen to her needs …then just do it.     I have been married 32 years, my husband is a good man, a christian, but still doesn’t get it even though I have told him many times what I need, so that I  can give him what he needs.  It is very depressing, I love him but don’t desire him.   I cannot make myself desire him,  but I could if he would return to the ways he loved me and treated me when I fell in love with him.  It would take sustained and intentional effort, which he cannot seem to find, even though he finds time for it elsewhere.  No one wins.

  119. A real sexual woman   You sound like a self made strong woman who has not found much time in her life for men and does not need them now. Everything you say points at excuses or denegration of men. Sex is not everything, but it is necessary. It is one of those things in life, like all the Little problems and things you place before sex, that will really change the mood and the relationship to zero. Too many women, most obviously yourself by all your denegration, think they know all about sex and its requirements. For themselves, yes and think they can impose that on all their partners. One of the things all to many women talk about is sex on a psychological level for women and a physical level for men. How can you as a woman with so many predeturmined and incorect views have any input altogether on how men feel or what they want. Your obviously about you and you alone. Sex is both psychological and physical for both men and women. Its also one of the most natural things between men and women. The moment you start talking about sex with reference to work actions, you lost the plot. Your reference is that any man who wants sex is asking his wife to perform as a stupid puppet….so, is it ok if the woman asks for sex and not the man….is it ok not to have sex at all then. What exactly is a stupid statement like that. Men ask their wives for sex because it is mostly men who work away from home and long hours. Notice i say mostly as these days it is something women do also, however, they are like you and very self determined about their position. To an extent of rejection of men who they see as a barrier between them and their life. Your name….A real sexual woman….your as sexual as a dog dump on the side of the road. The exact reason of the continuity of emotional breakdown between men and women. I am guessing your hurt is mouthed to so many women every day that they are even a Little like you. Sex is and always will be a part of human relationships. It has done very well until these days, or rather, untill the rising of women like yourself. The only truth you spoke was the fact that women are very sexual. They have sexual and emotional need everybit as much as men and some even more. So, why so much refusal. Hate to bring it to you, but it is more about por management of time in relationships. Its also about the birth of a new breed of woman with the equality issues taken too far. A more selfish and greedy type of woman. And that is not saying men have not always been like that. Its called survival of the fittest. But for women to blame men is just wrong. We both know there are always variences…but we are talking majority. Your last comment only serves to give credability to the fact I said you hate men and are maybe a lesbian these days. Or do you just prefer kama Sutra to you needs and wants? Either way….your attitude says you will never be happy and will grow old alone and withered.

  120. EricHolt A real sexual woman   Really !!! You clearly lack maturity and general intelligence
    I am gathering this through the garbage you have typed and not hyperbole that
    you surmise as fact.

    Thanks for the complement I would consider myself strong
    woman. I spend over half of my life working exclusively working with men so DUH
    I need them at least in one capacity, they treat me with respect. Well OF
    COURSE SEX IS NEEDFUL, for reproduction at the very least.  If I thought I knew everything about sex I
    would have explicitly said so, if you read my posts properly you see that I
    address both psychological and physical elements and neither are my points
    constantly gendered as you assert.

    I made specific points based upon,  hundreds of men across many different
    demographics I have personally interacted with. 
    You state they are incorrect but cannot fully explain how, like a child
    you have to make the argument personal. You clearly don’t understand the
    context of a statement, it was not a statement! My point was based upon many men constantly trying to be in
    charge during sex and asking for a string of things they have seen on a porn
    video, which does not coincide with reality.  No man would dislike a woman who knows what
    she wants sexually unless he is a control freak.  ‘ a real sexual being’ is an alias! It doesn’t
    denote ones full sexual history, how foolish to make such an assertion.

    No I am not hurt just voicing the problems that I observe,
    that’s it moan about women making sweeping generalisations!! My points were not
    in any way in relation to equality or that would have explicitly stated this.
    If I know what I want sexually it makes me powerful and not weak, I don’t need
    someone to tell me what I like. Your last statement was the height of
    foolishness! I am not sure what lesbian would spend so much time talking about men
    you bringing this up says more about you than anything. I AM HAPPY AND STILL
    QUITE YOUNG, thanks for bringing that to mind Mr Troll.

  121. apr427 I don’t wanna make you think I’m making you offended on this but I’m gonna say it anyways. Wow that sound so boring.

  122. I stand by what I said. You obviously got butt hurt in some way. I have read all your posts and my writings were correct in your accertations against men. Read it again…and again if necessary untill you get the full contect of what I was saying. We are on a topic which is incorperated in my line of work every day. I know a few things about psychological physiologial human sexual atributes, but all your writings were not observations but rather abuse on men. Now your butthurt lol. I will forget bedside manner and get straight to the point.
    Your introduction to me was blatently an attempt at deameaning me alongside all men you demean. Your first sentence covered a total of 4 ways to try and intimidate. You attacked intelligence, maturity, context of writing and knowledge. With a PHD in psychology Hons. physiological psychological, I think I have a lot more learned knowledge in this field than you. And you are not doing anything but detriment to those that read your words. It is in fact yourself that is lacking in maturity and intellect here and quite simply, by your reply, a waste of time responding too. One can not help themselves untill they acknolledge their own fault. You obviously cant. I cant say all my sexual relations have been perfect, but you wont ever hear me demeaning a woman simply because of her or my shortfalls in the relationship. That is the wonderful thing about sex and love. Finding the right one, the one that is perfect for you. Obviuosly, yoiu never found that one. I found mine 37 years ago. Guess I did something right eh! Time for you to stop whining and do something right also. Never let the assumption of what you expect direct your actions. Have fun, enjoy life and leave the bagging men alone. It is obvious you dont like it. That was why I responded like that. Reaction.

  123. EricHolt Thanks for reading ‘ all’ my posts!! I will keep writing regardless of what ever garbage you or other old fools like yourself try to say! Rant away no one is paying  real attention to your posts.

  124. WhitneyWoodruff A real sexual woman This
    is part of the problem thinking of gender as fixed entity that permeates the
    way men and women behave. I was arguing about turning sex into a commodity or
    an exchange which is what and animal does as they are inferior.

    Both
    men and women have these relational or emotional needs the dynamic may
    transpire differently but the principle is the same. I disagree that women ‘
    think’ they want sex unlike men don’t have to watch porn to drive their desire
    or get ideas as to what they enjoy sexually.

    I
    agree that women view sex as something they give because of the social construction
    of society that dictates that women are ‘ meant to be givers’  although to a degree women in some contexts
    are more giving. However with this implies that men are meant to be aggressive takers
    if they are to be viewed as ‘masculine’ which has amplified the rape culture
    problem we have. I wasn’t debating that the experience isn’t different but I would
    strongly debate that if a man has a different experience that he is any LESS masculine.
    This is just social brainwashing how and why we should experience sex.  

    I
    made no such correlation, you misunderstood me, I was discussing a man being vulnerable
    and open to her sexually rather than just getting sex out of her. Again you
    took what I said of out context, many men would not be comfortable with a wife
    that has a higher sex drive, they often feel emasculated under that force, I
    personally don’t; understand why.  

    I
    recognise that I am in the minority as I have not allowed myself to follow this
    prescribed masculine/ feminine model which leaves both genders completely unsatisfied.
    I believe sexual expression transcends a straight jacket model of masculine and
    female this doesn’t dictate drive as much as we have been convinced to believe.
     Fantasies aren’t necessarily wrong ,
    everyone has them to a greater or lesser degree.

    On
    your final point I was referring to a marriage not causal sex, why would anyone
    really care for someone’s emotions if they are just sleeping together. However
    sex being what it is does have a bonding effect to some degree, hence why
    friends with benefits doesn’t work at all; both genders ultimately suffer.

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  126. Wrong on so many levels, I have a huge libido, so did my wife, until her MS got worse, now I am uncomfortable having sex with her because all I get is Quickies and I have faked numerous or gasm just to roll over and go to sleep because I lost my sex drive when she puts a time limit on it, or I can tell she isn’t into it. It’s destroying my “want” to be intimate with her, and forcing me to re-evaluate our marriage. I definitely did not get married to turn around and not have sex at all, or very little.

  127. ChristopherScaletta  Since you have had the strength to disagree fairly I will
    answer as gently as I can.
    I am genuinely sorry to hear that your wife is unwell that
    must be difficult for both of you. As far as I am aware MS doesn’t get better
    but usually progresses with time. Well of course quick sex sessions are going
    to be uncomfortable, we aren’t as humans designed for just that type of
    encounter. Emotionally of course that’s going to destroy you if you enjoyed sex
    when she didn’t it would make you kinda sick! Honestly faking orgasms is a
    little silly she can tell and it probably annoys her more as she can physically
    see you faking. The likelihood is it is making her want to sexually disconnect
    from you even more the more you ‘ get’ from her Honestly I sympathise to a
    point.
    However you have made the common mistake of reducing intimacy
    to an act not something far more expansive which a healthy man is totally
    capable of. Although sex is a MAJOR part of marriage Your viewing the marriage as
    a business contract, i.e. you marry me so I can make you ‘ put out’ when I want
    is gonna drive a woman who is healthy physically and mentally thought about
    getting you naked often is going to be put right off you! Personally in this regard
    you are being selfish. Imagine she was the spouse who had a higher sex drive
    than you, you later got hurt and could only have sex twice a week in total
    pain. You loved her and wanted her to share that with u but you learned to
    associate sex with pain and a forceful spouse who was starting to look at other
    younger men. Really posing sex that way can you see her point of view, which is
    what you are called to in marriage.

  128. ChristopherScaletta  I would think this is part of the “in sickness and health”. There are other options if you are both open to them, but it sounds as if you are not.

  129. I’m going thru the same thing…hang in there, I don’t understand why women…turn the sex off, like turning off a tv? Oh well, I’m just trying to figure it out and help my.marriage to.work..God Bless

  130. I am a 35 year old man and have been married for 5 years our relationship started out great with amazing connection and sex at the blink of an eye towards each other, after being married it has become less and less, i am now terrified of even touching my wife in bed incase she thinks i am trying to intiated sex. Everything is by her rule, it has now been 6 months since i have been near her and it is killing me inside, i try to talk about it or mention maybe having an early night etc but all i get in return is “omg do you have to go on about it all the time” altho i hardly ever do im made to feel awful for even suggesting anything of the sort more than once. I do as much as i humanly can for her, i take kids to and from school, i let bring her tea, buy her flowerschocolate etc, i let her nap during the day regardless of how exhausted i am and i still have nothing. I love her with every inch of my being but i really dont understand what more i can do.

  131. Pheonix81  Clearly what you’ve been doing is not working, and I see no reason why more of the same will have any positive effect.
    If there’s no more to it than you have said, I would suggest telling her it’s unloving and unacceptable and ask her if she intends to change or continue. Don’t argue or say more, just be clear it’s wrong and you and your marriage are being hurt by it.

  132. themarriagebed Pheonix81 Sometimes positive doesn’t work and you have to go negative. Stop complimenting her and let her feel unattractive, subtly talk about how other women are attractive without acknowledging it if she’s upset about this, use the excuses she gives as excuses for things when she asks (if applicable). If she says something about it then tell her that you are trying to show her how you feel since she doesn’t actually listen or try to listen to how you feel

  133. apr427 Bait and switch. At this point, I’ve decided to get a prenup so it can be a quick and easy exit if anything goes wrong.

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  136. I’ll turn 35 soon and never thought I was going to be googling this .
    Just as you , marriage and other “responsibilities” have taken away motivation/lust from my wife . The frustration of being rejected is harder now than before. We have sex 1 a month maybe 2 if I’m lucky , but only when she wants it . I’m not desirable anymore maybe? I have no idea . Last year she got a better position at work with assignments in different countries , so sometimes we didn’t se each other for 3 months , and still wasn’t enough for her to feel the need to have sex with me… We have spoken about it but she just says I don’t understand her . Me too I do most of the things at home , since she is not around often .
    Well, I know you don’t have the answer , I don’t the answer for you either. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone …
    I hope our frustration goes away sooner than later .
    Best wishes

  137. That’s exactly where I am right now. I’m somehow mage to feel guilty for a yearning to experience that passion for the woman I love and it makes me feel hollow.

  138. NO, sex does NOT require more energy from women.  Not even close.  Men burn 4 to 5 times more calories during the sex act than women.  Being too tired is deflection, essentially the beginning signs that your wife is no longer interested in you.  She has gotten what she wanted from the relationship and you can go fish for all she cares.  This is the truth, it’s not pretty, but it is the truth.  As a man, exactly WHAT are you going to do about it.  You are trapped and your sex life is completely at your wife’s control.  The REAL question….Why do men continue to fall for this trap?

  139. Pheonix81
    Your wife maybe having an affair, i recommend that you place her under watch.
    Also if there is anything you may have done in the past that might have hurt greatly it is time to reconcile it. She maybe holding a grudge and trying to spite you. But to be honest it sounds like she may be seeing someone else. This happened to me, my wife withdrew and would only have sex with out of guilt.

  140. mespinozaarias
    It sounds your wife may be having affair as well, I recommend that you pay attention to her. How she talks on the phone and who she is talking to. If she is communicating on the phone after hours of work with someone. Pay close attention, if she gets angry when you initiate sex and does not seem interested, it is because she is emotionally attached to someone else. Women have sex based on the emotional attachment. If she is not having sex with someone else then she is spending to much time with work. Plan a romantic outing and see how she reacts. If you are not able to romance her then she may be attached to someone else. Do something she has been wanting to do for years. See how she reacts.

  141. A real sexual woman You have some serious man-hating issues, lady.  Get some help.

  142. A real sexual woman You have some serious man-hating issues, lady.  Get some help.

  143. fidelity121  Neither morality nor values are relative.  There IS a right and a wrong.  That you refuse to accept that tells us a LOT about YOUR values, reading your hyper anti-male bias confirms what we already suspect about your true nature.  

    Society has not a damn thing to do with women not desiring their husbands except for and to the extent that feminism has taught women to be narcissistic beyond their normal genetic inclination and that all men are pigs.

    You have nothing at all to offer men who have been deceived into marrying a woman that does not love them.  A vow is a vow, if you don;t intend to honor your vows then stop the deception.  

    Men do NOT OWE women a living or children.  Men are beginning to realize the fraud that is the Anglo-sphere family court systems and are rebelling against its inhumanity.

    Men are humans too and deserve respect and happiness.  

    Deal with it.  

    Seek professional help.

  144. HusbandLover  So you’re saying that men should be wife-centered and women ARE self-centered?  So….what’s in it for husbands?  Just asking….

  145. mespinozaarias  In what way does marriage and ‘responsibilities’ take away a wife’s desire for her husband?  How can marriage and responsibilities be any more stressful for wives than for husbands?  It isn’t factually or logically possible.  

    If it is actually true that one’s wife no longer desires her husband, then in all likelihood she never really had any desire for her husband at all, she simply wanted to entrap a resource provider.  Husbands face incalculably more stress from the obligations of marriage than wives do.  To assert otherwise is a bald face cop out and defies both logic and fact.

  146. Red Car You made some comment about me needing help. Firstly I don’t need help, I am sexually free and confident. Second I don’t have to beg my spouse for sex although he has a lower sex drive than me, so when I have sex I am wanted, I don’t have just have sex to please my husband. This forum just highlights to me that a significant minority of men are unwilling to learn to what a real relationship is and would rather resort to tricks and strategies.

  147. You made some comment about me needing help. Firstly I don’t need help, I am sexually free and confident. Second I don’t have to beg my spouse for sex although he has a lower sex drive than me, so when I have sex I am wanted, I don’t have just have sex to please my husband. This forum just highlights to me that a significant minority of men are unwilling to learn to what a real relationship is and would rather resort to tricks and strategies.

  148. My wife constantly turns me away. At what point can a man stray just for sex? She knows how much I love her, she does not show me half the attention I show her. I need more sex. Oddly she has plenty of time for her friends and stays out very late with them but little to no consideration for me and my needs.

  149. Geo143  The obvious conclusion is she is getting from her friends something she’s not getting with you. You say she knows how much you love her, but does she feel loved? Does she feel you are meeting her needs?
    It could certainly be something else, but this would be something to think about.

  150. I don’t feel comfortable being touched sexually anymore, I’ve tried for awhile but it just makes me want to scream I feel violated and unsafe. I explained to him how I felt and what the reasons might have been, but he says that I should feel guilty and do it anyways because a relationship comes with compromises.
    He has told me that any therapist would tell me the same to have sex against my will.
    I don’t think I should have to do that, but am I crazy? Is he right? Should I just suffer and do it no matter how I feel? (He would be totally fine with that)

  151. I don’t feel comfortable being touched sexually anymore, I’ve tried for awhile but it just makes me want to scream I feel violated and unsafe. I explained to him how I felt and what the reasons might have been, but he says that I should feel guilty and do it anyways because a relationship comes with compromises.
    He has told me that any therapist would tell me the same to have sex against my will.
    I don’t think I should have to do that, but am I crazy? Is he right? Should I just suffer and do it no matter how I feel? (He would be totally fine with that)

  152. Lillyflo,
    You’ve talked this over with your H. That’s good. You do need to seek council to find out why you feel this way. If you are a married couple and in love why wouldn’t you want to share yourself with him. He seems to be a bully if what you say is true but you need to dig down and find the root cause for your withdrawal. I would be destroyed if my wife felt the way you do by my wanting to make love to her. And I would never want her to go thru the motions to appease me. I want it mutually. Please stay in touch as I’m curious as to your findings.
    2vanberger@gmail.com
    George

  153. Lillyflo  No real therapist would tell you to have sex against your will. You could only do that for awhile before you came to hate your husband. It’s a path that leads to all manner of bad things.

    That said, you do need to get help to deal with whatever caused this. And your husband could use some help as well!

  154. Well, some “things” happened to me when I was younger, if you know what I mean! And he knows (which I regret ever telling him about it, as he shared my secret with his family, friends and coworkers!)
    When we first met I was being sort of strong, he made me happy and I was almost ok.
    Then he stopped loving me and did things and said things that completely crushed me, not saying that I had no fault and I didn’t do anything, but that is what happened. So things started getting worse for me and sometimes even if someone doesn’t answer my greetings I could get depressed for days.
    And he knows and I’ve explained to him.
    And I don’t want to be touched or looked at in a sexual way, because I have lost my strength to forget or to cope with my problems.
    But all he says is that it’s unfair to him and I should just compromise. And he gets angry when I genuinely tell him that I don’t mind if he sees other people.

  155. Ok. I was wondering if there was an underlying issue. It seems to me that you’ve fallen out of love with him and to be honest with you, I would feel the same way. He is an emotional bully and pressuring you into a situation that you are obviously uncomfortable with. And that isn’t helping. You both should seek out a good marriage counselor and take baby steps. If he refuses to go then he is basically telling you that he doesn’t value your relationship. If this is the case then for your happiness and safety you need to separate. By you telling him to see other people I think that you have emotionally checked out of this marriage. I sincerely wish you well. Keep up with the updates.

  156. I could use some help again. Been married 29’yesrs, raised 2 great kids. Wife always has an excuse. All she wants to do is snuggle. I like to snuggle to but not in place of sex. I still want sex, she says snuggling is just as good. For her maybe but for me? It’s not even close. I’m getting the feeling that she has gained what she wanted from me and now tjis is all I have left to look forward too. I try and try but excuse after excuse I’m at the literal end of the line. I’m seriously thinking of packing my stuff and finding a woman who still want intamacy. I’m 54 not 84. I do as much as possible around the house and cater to her. She has very little to do, I make good money as does she, our bills are paid, I own everything I have. I don’t see where the stress is. I’m thinking of just coming out and asking her if she is through with me sexually. I’d rather hear the truth than not know. She is 52 and takes very good care of herself. She always has time and effort for her friends, her parents or if she wants to do something. I try to get her into the mood and she just says. “Aww your so cute”. I don’t want to be cute, I want to be loved. Please someone, especially any women reading this. Help me out with any insight you can give.
    Geo

  157. Geo143
    Women lose some of their sex drive in their late 40’s and early 50’s. Get your wife in a happy mood by doing or getting her something she really likes, do it in private with know one around make it a you and her night.Then ask your wife if you can try something on her to get her in the mood. Say you want to try and seduce her.I recommend you go down on her and do a good job, she will never regret the fact she let you seduce her.Aim at her clitoris and start from the top and work your way to the bottom while moving your tongue left to right as you work your way downward. repeat this motion over and over while gently rubbing on her nipples.  Talk dirty to her while doing it.  She quickly will get in the mood. Women at her age need more priming but they still love sex just as much as they did when they were younger. 

    The key here is getting her to the point where she will let you touch her private area.
    study your wife find out what time of day she is most excited. and that will be the best time to make your move. Insure you have not said anything mean to her nor got her in a bad mood recently. Women have sex based on their emotional state and since you are her husband she see’s you different she knows your negative and positive sides. Show her for now only the positive sides, and compliment her daily with poems verbal comments, do this throughout the week and through out your marriage. etc… You have to break into the heart to get the nooky.  Your wife needs to also see that you see intimacy as not just sex but also as communication so talk to her and come right out and ask her about Sex.  Let her know how you feel and that it needs to be worked out sooner than later. 

    See if you and her can plan one night out of the week where you spend quality time sexual and non-sexual.
    If she is on any medications I recommend you check the side effects to see if they could be effecting her sex drive. Keep your eyes open and insure she is not seeing another man, but do not accuse, instead investigate.  I hope this helps.

  158. Dr.B,
    I’ve been doing as you suggest. I send her flowers at work, set up candle light dinners, take her dancing…last time I took her dancing she said, “we’re just not good together” and walked off the floor. She has just become mean, belittling and degrading to me. We were out with friends, my buddy and his wife who happens to be good friends with my wife. We were talking about his work and I complemented him on his construction project. My wife said in front of them,” why don’t you just get on your knees in front of him”. I was at a loss for words. It wasn’t funny and it wasn’t acceptable. There was silence and it was very uncomfortable for the rest of the evening. I brought it up and she actually told me I was wrong for giving her a mean look after she said that. She’s at work now and to be totally honest, if I had a place to go I would be packing my things as we speak. I have no family, parents died a while back and my brother and sister live far away. I don’t want to go through another day with her.

  159. Geo143
    I understand your frustration, it sounds like your wife is very bitter towards you. To be honest it sounds like she may be having an affair or interested in someone else (or she may not have forgiven you for something in the past).   The Bible tells us we cannot serve  two masters. We will hate one and love the other. Unfortunately you have a few options here that can help you get to the bottom of this. I recommend praying to God before making any decisions as far as leaving and divorce. Seek his guidance and wisdom from above. I will be praying for you. Second  start paying attention to your wife see if she is showering more or spending extra time away from home and on the phone with people you do not know.  Maybe even get a copy of her phone bill if you can. Start telling her you love her and if she does not respond or says it it back to you in a not so happy tone prepare to be suspicious. Here is a trick you can play on her to see whats up but not until you start seeing some suspicion of infidelity. Pretend that you know their is someone else. Go to her and say whats up with him I know there is someone else. pay real attention to her countenance.. If she looks surprised and denies it . The cat is out of the bag. Look for the surprised reaction and the response “What makes you think that” or “what are you saying”. You have to pretend as if you are confident you know there is someone else.  If their is an affair it is likely it will be someone in you guys closet social group. Friends, Church members or even at work.  To see if she lying  look for deep pauses in her response. Throat swallowing or chuckles while hiding the eyes. These are signs of untruthfulness.  Visit GearBest.com and buy a GPS tracker and put it in her car so you know her were abouts. I’m praying for you and if I can help in anyway let me know.

  160. It’s Friday and we were supposed to have a date today. She had made other plans with her girls friends AFTER we made our plans as husband and wife. She is going out with them and I’m going to pack my necessities and I’m moving out while she’s gone. I made a promise to myself that it’s not going to happen again, I won’t be a doormat. She will come home to an empty house. I’m placing my wedding band, my anniversary ring and my watch (all items that I used to cherish) on her night stand. I have a withdrawl slip and I am taking a majority of my savings, I have my safe deposit key and I’m taking the titles to my vehicles (boat, camper, motorcycle, enclosed trailer, Tahoe and my pick up) with me. I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to go through with this but I’m done. I refuse to be walked on, trampled is more like it. After 29 years of marriage I’m not going to remarry so I’m not even thinking divorce but I’m done. I don’t hate the woman but I don’t love her anymore either. Today was the straw that broke the camels back. I really don’t know if she’s gonna care that I’m gone. I’ll be okay. It’ll hurt for a while but I’m a big boy and I will land on my feet.

  161. My wife has said no to sex everytime i say anything or she says dont even think about it we both work alot i take care of the kids because she work from 4pm to 10pm i do the cooking cleaning and still i get nothing

  162. I really don’t know what to do anymore.  This has been on the decline for about 15 years.  We’ve been to the Family Life Conference, and took some doing to get her there.  In the last 15 years we’ve talked about this openly about a half dozen times.  After we talk she shuts down even more.  We’ve been married for 26 years.  I’ve been told “no” so many times that I really don’t want to ask anymore.  It just feels humiliating after awhile.  I used to get really frustrated, now I seem to be just resigned to this fate.  I fully realize that is not a healthy way to spend the next 20-25 years, but I don’t see any way out.  It has gotten frustrating enough that there are times I just have to sleep in another room, because having her right next to me in bed is just another reminder.  

    I’ve been propositioned five times over the last fifteen years by women when I’ve been travelling for work.  I always said no.  My wife knows this too, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference to her.  Fidelity, loyalty, thoughtfulness don’t do anything.  She comes home, sits down watches her TV shows or plays on the computer and then just goes to bed.  We’ve had sex just three times in the last year.  It’s not like I’m asking for intimacy every week.  I’m not going to cheat, but I am at a loss.  

    Any thoughts?

    • Im in the same boat married 43 years, the sex stopped around menopause and now its non existent. Im am so frustrated and crabby. She just dosent understand why Im crabby, If I bring it up or offer to perform oral she gets upset, so if I never mentioned it at all what kind of marriage is this anyway ?

  163. rwk64  You are trying to change a long-standing reality that your wife has no desire to change. There is no easy or gentle way to do that, and the methods that have a slim chance of working have a much greater chance of destroying your marriage.
    At this point, I think prayer is your best option. Pray for the ability to bear up under this, and pray for a miracle in your wife. God promises the first, and occasionally the second happens.

  164. Hi I’m Anthony and I’m new on here but I been married for 5 months now and I have not had sex in the past 3 months and I’m struggling every day with this because I love my wife and when we first met she told me that she had been sexually abuse by her Dad but in the beginning we had sex not a lot but a few times and so never knew it would turn out like this. We been seeing a marriage counseling and she seems want to get help but at the same time I’m dying inside and I would hate to cheat on her but honestly I love her so much but then I’m tore between my needs and wants as a man. There are days after work that I come home and she might not talk to me for a hour or so and there is days that it might be nothing! I’m hoping someone on here is not in the same boat as me because I don’t wish that on anyone but if someone is and can’t help me understand this or how they are dealing with this I would love to hear from you. Everyone I’m dieing each day and not sure how much longer I can keep this up…HELP

  165. Cincy48, you have some serious situation on your hands. You love this woman and she’s been abused by her dad. I’m afraid that you are in a no win situation. She most likely and from the research on this topic, will not get much better if at all. Now you have to make a decision, stay and suffer daily and most likely never have a fulfilling relationship and family with her or leave and take a chance on being happy. You have very limited time invested in her and this relationship. It sounds harsh to hear but buddy you need to step back and re-evaluate this for what it is. If you stay I can say this, you will resent her. It’s not her fault, but it’s not worth a lifetime of agony for you either. Harsh words yes but thrush be told. This is not a life, it’s an existence at best. Good luck.

  166. rwk64 My situation is very similar to yours but only 6 months old. We are both 42 years old and have been married for over 16 years. Same as your wife,  all she does is have dinner with me, soon after dinner, she goes straight to her tablet and watch tv shows on Netflix. Typically, she’s in bed at 8:30 pm because she has to be at work at 6:30 am.  We have 2 boys, 7 and 12 years old. I’m an active dad who helps around the house to make sure this doesn’t become an excuse for her. I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter what I do, it just won’t matter to her. I’ve heard every excuse in the book, I’m tired, my head hurts, I have muscular pain, I’m on my days etc. I’ve taken her out to dinner, concerts,  hoping for intimacy after a fun night out… she’s not interested.  I’m a clean person (slightly overweight) and always try to make her enjoyment my main priority (oral). I love watching her satisfied and I go all the way to provide that to her. I just don’t understand why she’s going through this stage. We have talked about the situation for months, all she says to me is  “I need time”.  Time for what? I’ve questioned her several times if there is another man involved and if this is the reason for it. She swears on our kids that this isn’t the problem, yet she keeps asking for time. I really don’t know what to do anymore, I have told her several times I wouldn’t have an issue paying for sex or finding a mistress, I get no response from her. I feel she doesn’t care what I do. Getting a divorce is not an option on my book, I want to raise my kids and be the parent they need. I have tried everything from going out on  Dinner dates, movies, family reunions, sending  her flowers at work, bringing her coffee and donuts at her workplace, on random days I bring  her flowers, concerts etc. she just won’t accept being intimate with me and claims to be tired all the time. I seriously don’t know what to do, I think I’ve done it all.

  167. So far I’m enjoying living the single life. She understood what it meant to be husband and wife, but wasn’t willing to be intimate with me. So I bailed. Our kids are grown and out so there is no real harm. Financially we are just fine. I’ve been out with a few (2) different women and feel absolutely alive like when I was a young man. Dating is completely different now than when I was young. It just flows so easily. I gotta tell you that I wish I had gotten the balls to jump ship sooner. Sure she calls me relentlessly but I not going back to that life. It was misery. I haven’t had sex with either woman but I believe I could have. My wife has acted like I ruined her life. I’ve completely fallen out of love with her and I don’t even know if I still have love for her at this point. I’m in an apartment, rent is ok and I have no real worries about maintaining it. I go back for necessary items now and then but for the most part I’m so much better off. The wife has pleaded with me, telling me that she will try harder. Yeah, like that’s gonna work. Having this new found freedom has really opened my eyes. I don’t want a divorce just a legal separation. A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I’m loving life again. Can’t believe how good it can be. Kwancy11 thanks for asking.
    Geo

  168. My ex wife was abused by her older brother as a teen. When I found out we’d been together for 3 years and married. Counseling helped her eventually she always told me that I reminded her of her brother. Once I find this out I was discussed and shocked. Not long after this we separated and divorced. If I had know sooner or before about all this it would have made a lot more sense. Love makes us put up with things we normally wouldn’t. I agree with the other comment and feel you should end it now and find someone else with the bad past. That isn’t fixable. Sorry.

  169. Me too. Smoking hot wife that is only died up as much as me 2 or 3 times a year. I’m at a loss, I get frustrated the. A very and that just makes it worse for me it seems. We’ll have sex 3-5 times a month but it’s potty sex and not fun. The rest of the time it’s just a struggle. I’m so over this tug a ware. Why can’t we just both be happy or have the same libido? Life is tough and marriage is tougher especially when sex is not a priority or a even care for the other partner. This article said “This won’t apply to all women, but if your bride hasn’t suffered significant sexual abuse, is not inherently against sex, and isn’t just plain selfish, there’s a good chance this speaks for her fairly well. Mine is just plane selfish and I’m ready to just mentally check out over it.

  170. JimmyJam1  Yes, it is fixable. I’ve seen it happen to my wife and in others. It takes a lot of work and plenty of love and patience from the spouse, but it can happen.

  171. Sorry man but “I need time” is code for an affair every single time. There are other things she could have used as an excuse but she didn’t. “I need time” means she is having another relationship and is waiting to see if he or she will commit to a long term relationship to replace you. Even if he doesn’t commit, if it goes on long enough, she will leave you, probably abruptly and you will be so confused as to what happened. He happened. If she starts having sex again once in a while to keep you happy, then the other guy dumped her. She will then be bidding her time while she finds another candidate. Truth is, she is gone.

  172. Same boat here, makes me feel like a failure! She could seem to care less

  173. She’s depressed. She buries her head in anything she can to escape reality, and by burying her head, there is no chance of communication between you two. For women, communication, affection without sexual expectation, and emotional connection are very important. Without these, the drive dies. You don’t have to be “sad” to be depressed. Depression can be hollow, lonely, and hopeless, and soon you’ll both be in that boat. Alternatively, trying “too hard” can be a turn off. If she is willing to put down the devices, talk more, seek a counselor, process emotions, and work to rebuild that connection with you, then there’s definitely a chance! But if she’s depressed, which I suspect she is, it might take your strength to motivate her. Depression isn’t always defined, and doesn’t always have a reason for being. Talking about your day or mundane things isn’t satisfying “communication”, it’s going through the motions, it’s meaningless. Pry the issues out, get deep, show you care about her emotionally and mentally, not just physically. You might surprise her, and maybe that with strengthen your bond. I wish my husband knew this…

  174. I am the wife who no longer wants sex after 21 years of marriage and two boys, ages 15 and 17.  Why?  Well, where do I start?  With the three other women he has crossed a line with in the past 5 years?  They were not full blown affairs, but something definitely wasn’t right.  With him moving out for 6 months 5 years ago because “we were all too much for him”? (around the same time as the other women–I am sure there is a connection to e made there…)  With the three times he has been fired in the past 10 years that led to so much debt right now we can’t turn around?  With the lies about anything and everything?  With the undermining parenting–like I will NOT give the 17 year old money for something he wants and hubby will, despite the fact that the 17 year old has a job and spends him money foolishly (hubby paid for a parking ticket the the child got that we had agreed he should pay for on his own, then hubby turned around and paid it).  How about the times the oldest son speaks to me disrespectfully and hubby says nothing.  How about when I ask hubby to inform the child so some decision that we came to together and hubby presents it to the child saying “Mom thinks…” or “Mom wants you to…”, not “we decided…”  How about when we are out in public and he fools around with the 15 year old so much that I am embarrassed to be seen with him?  You may be asking why I don’t just divorce him with all of this.  Here’s the answer–we cannot afford two households right now.  I am working feverishly to pay back our debt so by the time the sophomore child is out of high school we can divorce.  Also–him moving out 5 years ago was terrible for the kids–they still talk about it and I took the three of us to lots of therapy during and after that time.  We still go to family therapy.  We don’t argue–I don’t care enough about what he does to argue.  His poor grooming and slobby habits around the house don’t help either.  So–I say nothing, make tons of plans with friends, cultivate my own interests–theater, opera, book clubs, museums, do things with the kids, a family outing about once a month. We sit on the couch at night watching the same TV shows but neither of us talks, we pretty much only talk about things related to the kids, something about scheduling or something.  There is no abuse or addiction and I wish to god he would find a mistress!  For now, we live like roommates.  There has been no sex for the past 18 months and no physical contact of any kind for the past, oh, 4-5 months I would guess.  I do not care if I ever have sex again.  I am over it.

  175. Cincy48 hang in there 
    when i was a newly wed things weren’t great for a while 
    i waited 18 months once for a hug let alone intimacy. 

    now days we are intimate 2 to 3 times a week even with 4 kids in the house. and we have been married 24 years. 

    it goes through seasons. if you can talk to each other, speak out admit you dont understand and ask for guidance from her on what she wants stabbing around in the dark is needless. confide in her and ask her to confide in you if she wont then its a doomed marriage and the trust you need to make it work is not there. 

    if you expect intimacy daily connect with her. 
    if she pushes you away she expects less thank you do. talk and discuss each others needs don’t leave it up to assumptions of what the other wants. 
    there is a old joke out there

    what is the last thought on a mans mind as he is going down the aisle. 
    great sex on tap. 
    what is the last thought on a womans mind as she is going down the aisle …
    great i never have to do it again. 

    the meaning of this joke to me is there is a vast difference between perceived expectations and communicated expectations. 

    talk to her. it cant hurt and might get her to a better place . it got my wife to a great place. granted a few eggs got broken to make the omelette but communication is key.  took me way to long to learn this but i got it save yourself the same pain i did talk it out. 

    be supportive and loving and it should work out.

  176. ElyseM9610 thats possible 

    but i need time means she is not there. 

    if she is not confiding in him there is no relationship. even without sex there is no relationship. 

    i have been quite depressed at times medicated and without hope. 
    now days im great but it came from within me to solve it. not some external force. 

    i suggest he move on if he is sure she is not depressed. you cant save a drowning man by jumping int he water. throw them a life ring and wait for them to save themselves.

  177. Dynahart possible but not the only answer 

    could also be his weight is too much for her and she does not find him attractive. and she is saving his feelings. 

    most likely not but you never know how shallow someone is till you talk to them direct and in depth. 

    seek a marriage counselor not a pastor but a person from a university who has skills and its their only job. 

    talking it through will reveal the truth and will resolve it one way or another. 

    if you get a pat reply of excuse #42 then its time to move on life is too short.

  178. Deemerdad i work from 7 am till 6 pm daily and take care of dinner and kids bah n beds. 

    she works from 4 to midnight 3 nights a week. 

    i do my share and she does hers. 

    if she does not see the value in intimacy then she does not realise the value you bring to the table. 

    take away the help and leave her to manage on her own. see what she says then. 

    best you can do is talk to her and ask her what she wants from this relationship. 

    the business of being a parent can’t be everything. 

    i once said to my wife if all i am is a father and bread winner to this home then i quit. i married YOU… not you so you could have kids and have me pay for them. 

    I’m in this as a partnership with you and me against the world if you don’t want to be with ME i’m out of here…. and i meant it i was willing to walk if there was no “US” i loved her with all my heart but i was there for the “US” factor not the “kids” factor 

    kids are a blessing as a result of the “US” if there is no “US” there is no kids. 

    stand up for your heart and be clear in what you expect if you talk it through it should work. if you get shut down move on and be clear it’s not worth the personal pain.

    • This is spectacularly bad advice. If you expect her to pay your bills, and you don’t want a relationship with the kids just sign over your rights and go away.

      Men see commitment as securing themselves a regular supply of sex. Women see commitment as paying the bills, taking care of the kids and making sure each person in the family is healthy.

      If you want to prove your worth nothing to your wife stop contributing financially and stop parenting, because after all why should you contribute to your household and family or have a relationship with your kids unless a woman give you sexual favors?

      Don’t go down this road. It goes all kinds of bad places. (I’m assuming you do actually believe you should support yourself and do actually want a relationship with your children.) stopping those things will just make her hate you, and justifiable so, since you should be doing those things as a single dad or ex husband anyway.

  179. Geo143 EASY be blunt. 

    and stop helping. she is taking you for granted. there is no cute with a man thats like and instant kick to the nads for a guy. were trying to be accommodating and sensitive. clearly this is not working for her. 

    start organising your assets so you can move on. clearly you want more from life. 

    my wife has expressed interest in slowing down as we get older. like her mum has, she seems to think its normal i know her dad hates it.  i dont see myself conforming to this stereotype.  im just starting to feel like im getting a good stride on i dont expect to see this stopping any time soon. 

    be clear talk to her ask her what she is expecting and express your firm dissatisfaction with the current arrangement im 45 and my wife knows im not expecting to “slow down” till im 75 or so i know my dad and grandpa were going hard at 80+ so why shouldn’t i. 

    i accidently walked in on dad n the physiotherapist a few times when he was in his mid 70’s 
    by then mum was not alive anymore.

  180. Lillyflo clearly the trust is gone. his fault im guessing by your further comments. 

    move on he sounds like a problem person anyway.

  181. Geo143 good for you

    being a doormat is the last thing you need to be. 

    not good mentally and not good long term. 

    glad you stood up for yourself and moved on. 

    should have hired a PI

  182. themarriagebed Lillyflo its basically rape to have sex under duress… 

    no reasonable person would expect you to be comfortable with rape… 

    if counseling did not help then time to move on

  183. Married 29 years. Great sex which fizzled out and no sexual contact for last 6 years. Not sure how to handle. Only 52 and very frustrated.

  184. ElyseM9610  Thank you for your positive advice. It has been very difficult months, worse christmas season ever but we’re still together. I stopped asking her for intimacy and I’m trying to become a better listener. She seems to be responding in a positive way, besides that, I don’t think there’s much I can do. I’m working out and going to the gym 5 to 6 times a week. I feel this is helping me deal with the situation and at the same time give her the space she needs. Like the song says “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” I’ve learned a lot from this painful situation. I’ve accepted my mistakes as her friend, husband and father to our kids.  I love my wife to death but if things don’t work out, I will be moving forward with my life. To be honest, I’m already working on plan B which is giving me hope and excitement. Thank you for your comment and take care, Erik.

  185. Fiveyearsandcounting  That depends on where you are. Is this something you would like to change, or is it something that must change? If she makes no change, will you continue to put up with it, or will it end your marriage? If it’s a make or break issue, she needs to know that from the start. If it’s not, don’t pretend it is to get leverage.
    Beyond that, you need to address why you have put up with it for so long. In her mind, it can’t be that big a deal because you have put up with it. I’m sure you have made noise about it, but you have put up with it. If you are now going to push harder you need to be able to explain why that is. In other words, you need to tell her why it is different now, why she needs to take it seriously.
    The other issue is why sex stopped. Is the ending of sex in part because of a lack of intimate relationship, is it because she has lost her drive, or did she done sex just for you for years and finally got tired of that? This is probably one of the first things to discuss. What it will take to start being sexual again will be different depending on why it stopped.

  186. themarriagebed Fiveyearsandcounting  I put up with it for 21 years under a group of people that used the stats greed to their end by requiring me to stay in a totally dysfunctional relationship from my end. My own father and his good old boy network managed to use me for years with my wife’s support and sexual blackmail as having the friendship of a man on the bench and the local sheriff to keep me in what they felt was my place in society, My role was that of a slave to my wife and others, I earned the paycheck and she took it to play 11 vacations to Europe Between 1987 and 2012. Did I ever go on one if I did I must have been passed out the whole time.

    They say they offered me the best time for everyones needs to have my vacation, I ask Would you like to drive cross country between January 1st and February 14th unless you had an Emergency that you had to drive They kept saying surely I could get reservations like Hawaii, Barbadoes or the Caymans or someplace like that, Try to get one at that time six months out You almost had to be on a waiting list 2 years before or extremely wealthy and a celebrity.

    I admit after MRSA set into my spine in 2009 my attitude coming home has not been in the least compromising, I don’t put up with any one telling me NO I have to wait. Just let them decide what I am allowed. I decide that for myself and pity the poor person that says no I cant. NO longer will I be blackmailed by my wife saying just back off one more time and you can have the sex life you should have had, When I came home from Rehab in 2013 I put a dead stop to her trying that on me by taking what was due myself and I did not care she was saying no not that way. She had taken the last thing from me without return. As for my father he demanded to know why I came with my wife on the last cruise vacation they were taking to Cancun when she was supposed to give a loan to his best friend to go. I simply said Its my money she has no say in how its spent now and I was not giving his friend a loan to do something I wanted to do. HE thought after getting drunk my manners left to much distast to be stood for and he bought a ball bat to my room telling me I was not invited there fore I was flying back home that night, He’s the one that ended up in the hall with his neck broken. I was sixty and he had no say in where I went with my own wife invitation or no. I am not letting a one of them dictate my life any longer and don’t care if my manners about it are bad.

    I know many feel the last 12 years I have become the barbarian in what they think is a civil society just because I wont kiss their rears.

  187. Married for 11 years, have two kids, boy5 and girl10. Our marriage has had its ups and down thru the years but it’s almost like they have been band aided until recently. I know she has said to me that it’s all I care about, but that is far from the truth. I love her as a wife, a mother and everything else she does for our family. She is a business owner and I am a lineman at a power company. I admit that I haven’t been the most helpful around the house as far as cleaning or cooking and such, but I have changed in that area I feel like, I have been trying to help a lot more than ever with cleaning and such. My wife attends a gym 4 or 5 days out of the week, I have tried that and it comes down to me just not really having an interest or time in going. I feel like I come in last place towards everything else that goes on in her day to day things. In the last probably year I have been told that I’m not in love with you anymore, i don’t enjoy the time when we are together, and last night I was kind of hoping to have sex because it had been about a week since the last time, and she comes into bed and is asleep in no time. So I get up mad mumbling and it turns into a bickering match with her finally saying because I don’t want to have sex with you. I do take advantage of the Internet and take care of my myself because of the denial from her. I almost feel like she holds this back from me in efforts to make me be unfaithful to her and it would give her a reason to file for divorce, are these just regular thoughts that go thru a mans head when things such as this are going on? I don’t want to be a single dad but I don’t know how much longer I can make attempts at being better with a zero success rate! She has said to me also that she feels that all I need her for is sex, I feel that I have written it in blood that that is not true whatsoever! My other issue with being told the things I have such as I’m not “IN LOVE” with you anymore are, how do I know when you are again, what else do I have to lay on the line to attempt to make you be in love with me again? I just feel as though I’m wasting my time , I mean it feels and sounds like in my mind she has her mind made up and I am just trying to reverse the unreversible, like she wants to pull the trigger on the D word but just doesn’t want to be the one to go do it, am I wrong for having that go thru my mind like that? I love her in every way like I have said before but I just feel like my efforts in proving that to her go in an unnoticed attempt every time! If anyone has any kind of words of wisdom I am all ears at this point!!! I don’t want my to lose my wife or see my kids every other weekend ya know, they mean everything to me and for that I am willing to sacrifice what I have to for a successful marriage and sex life! Thanks for reading and sorry for such a long post but I’m trying to lay it out to be transparent and in return receive some advice that will be useful! Take care!

  188. I certainly understand your pain, and I don’t want to diminish it. But if you had sex last week maybe your problem isn’t as bad as you think it is. There are a whole lot of us that go months and years without. Not saying that your marriage doesn’t have problems or that you shouldn’t seek counseling for them but it could be a lot worse

  189. I believe the only right thing to do in this situation is to let your intentions of divorcing him known and wit the understanding that you are only together to raise children and to pay off debt

  190. My husband has struggled with porn addiction ever since he was first in the military. I first found out about how bad it was in 2013. I caught him. He promised he wouldn’t do it again. I caught him again this past Nov, 2016. I remember telling him, wake me up early, we’ll have sex. He had told me that he was too tired for sex in the mornings. I had found out that he was looking at porn while i was sleeping. Now, all this time later, I do not trust him,. and can’t get out of my head that I will never be young, pretty, or skinny like I used to be in my 20’s. This has really killed my sense of self and esteem. I no longer want to have sex anymore. We’ve been married 26 years. I just want to disappear. I cannot and will not compete with these women… if he wants them, in my opinion, he can just go. I no longer care about myself, I can’t even imagine having sex with someone else. I feel like a pig in pearls.

  191. My husband and I have been married for 30+ years. He is 60 and I am 57. We have raised two children and are now empty nesters. We both work full time. I have chronic venous insufficiency(treated, but still painful),moderate to severe arthritis in feet and ankles and neuropathy. I also recently fractured my hip in a fall and am about 3 months post fracture. All of these illnesses have been treated, but I still have pain at night and in the morning before my medications kick in. My husband wants to have sex in the evenings, but by then I hurt from the hips down to my toes. When I tell him I am in pain he continues to try to arouse me, but I just try to fall asleep. The next morning he pouts and is grumpy. I have confronted him on this and he says, “You know I wanted to have sex last night” I explain that I was hurting and only wanted to try to sleep. I have talked to him about my pain and have told him we need to try to have sex when my medications are at peak (like in the late morning or afternoon) so I don’t hurt. He says, “You are always in pain” and I agree. I explain that I do have chronic pain. He apologies when I confront him, but then the same thing happens a week later. Why does he act this way? He says he loves me but I feel like he only wants me around for sex. Thoughts?

    • @Chronicpain – I’m sorry for what does seem like selfishness. It may be he doesn’t think about it till he feesl desire, and he normally feels desire in the evening.
      My suggestion would be for you to initiate sex when you are at your best. Figure out how often he wants it and beat him to the punch.

  192. On don’t ask anymore, but I don’t because for so long (past couple years) she has told me to stop asking. She tells me everyday how much she loves me and, more often lately, let’s me know she recognizes all I do (all cooking, laundry, minor cleaning, kids and her meds, everything kid related). She has even acknowledged that she knows my sexual needs are not met….yet never makes it better. I am left looking forward to our ever decreasing encounters to the point where I can’t enjoy being with her. Even right now, I have chosen to sleep on the couch because it hurts to sleep so close to her yet be so far away.

  193. Too bad you didn’t get responses from men! This article does NOT help a bit. I’ve been married for 40 years, but the 6 years she’s no longer interested in sex at all. WTF am I supposed to do beyond the counseling, doing much more housework & trying to just snuggle? Any ideas

  194. It is very frustrating. I help my wife with the clothes washing and folding plus cooking and keeping the house clean. Meanwhile I also keep the outside of the house and vehicles clean we have 3 of them. I give pedicures and still I’m always asking when are we gonna have sex. I can truly understand being tired but all of the time. I love my wife and I desire to have sex with her. This has been going on for a while I don’t know what else to do. I have even talked to her about it but nothing has changed. I even help her take down our girls hair so she can take them to get it done I’m really at a loss for words.

  195. My wife also never wants sex. I’ve heard all excuses above. I help her in the house. I help her emotionally. I try to build up sexual tension. But she still never wants. If goes much further that this. She almost never wants to kiss. When she does and it gets sensual she stops and walks away. Other time she is too busy for affection.

    She never initiates contact. I give her massages she almost never touches back.

    I am thinking of leaving her. Why should the man always spend their energy doing everything to get her not tired and in the mood. Where is here responsibility ?

    • @Grumpy – If you think you will really leave over this, please make sure she knows that is likely and give her time to work on it. I don’t mean tell her you are frustrated, tell her if it does not change you may divorce her.

  196. Pingback: The Big Destroyer of Married Sex

  197. Too Tired?

    How much energy does a woman need to Climax laying on her back during Oral Sex?

    If a spouse, man or woman refuses to make love to the person they married, then why did you marry this person? You made like rabbits before you got married and there was no excuses then, why all the excuses now?

    • @Chris – It can take a great deal of energy for some women.
      This is kind of like women not being able to understand being too tired to talk, which plenty of men experience from time to time.

  198. Sexual frustration:
    I have been with my wife for almost 14 years. Our marriage has had its ups and downs. Biggest issues were communication and then substance abuse(drinking by me) and fighting. We’ve both said mean or hurtful things to each other, but we’ve worked on our issues and have come to be in a much better place. As of this date I’d say our marriage is in the best place it’s ever been. As parents (we have 3) we don’t miss a beat. As husband and wife we get along great, have similar interests, both do housework, deal with bills, work, stress etc. Emotionally we’re there for each other and enjoy each others company, whether it’s date night or just sitting on the couch. The only area that still seems to be an issue is sexually. We’ve talked, argued, even talked to a counselor but it’s still the same. I’ve listened to her and she’s said she prefers to at night, also we need to spend time together and sleep and snuggle together. And that I need to just tell her that I want to have sex(no mixed messages). And we/I do all of that. But then at the same time she’s said that she feels weird with sex/fore play and that it’s her not me. But if I try to get her to open up she just shuts it down. Also majority of time I let her know I want to have sex she’s too tired, I’ve tired to say let’s do it earlier but that’s met with not now or some other reason. An then she has also said she feels pressured by me, so I don’t know if I should let her know or not. It’s very confusing. When she’s drunk she’ll usually want to have sex but it’s not as enjoyable and it feels shitty that I feel like my wife needs to be drunk to have sex with me. I feel drunk sex is fine as long as sober sec is the norm. My issue I can’t help feeling like shit after getting turned down. Also I worry that maybe she’s just doesn’t enjoy sex with me, or is bored with that part of our marriage. She’s never said this but I can’t help but feel it. It’s not like I want sex everyday/night. But we usually have sex maybe once a week, but that’s the high water mark and it isn’t the norm. I feel like there’s no compromise, and we do everything she needs/wants and it’s still the same. (Sorry for the run on there but a lot to say and hard to put it all in). At this point Honestly I feel like shouldn’t even ask or talk about it anymore. Then I won’t get rejected or upset her. It will be hard, but I can’t see any other thing to do. I also want say my wife tells me everyday how much she loves me and let’s me know she recognizes all I do. In the past She has even acknowledged that she knows my sexual needs are not met and even mentioned once her fear of me leaving her over it. The thing is what hurts so much about this is she’s the only woman for me. The thought of not being with her isn’t an option in my mind. I’ve never considered cheating an option. I am left looking forward to our few monthly encounters. Where sometimes the pressure of it is enough where I can not even finish. My fear to is that I won’t be strong enough to not let it affect me to a point where I’m mean or nasty with her. Its already affecting my sleeping for years. At night when we’re in bed I toss and turn because it hurts to sleep so close to her yet feel so far away. If there is any positive advice or thoughts you could offer I’d appreciate it. Thank you
    Also I’m not looking to compare marriages. This is about my marriage no one else’s. Thank you.

  199. “WHY WON’T YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME!? 😭😭😭😭” While the kid is sleeping, after rejecting you for a month. Imagine if you reacted to “No, not tonight.”, in the same way.

  200. So why do women have to be emotionally connected to have sex with their husbands? When my wife was single she had sex with over 60 guys and I can almost guarantee that the bulk of those were random one night hook ups with strangers that didnt give a f*** about her. so she can give them sex without them having to jump through hoops but she wont help me with my needs now! hypocrite.

      • mate at the point i am at I would take that. and anyway what’s wrong with wanting lusty sex every once and a while? why does married sex always have to be about “making love” rather than just having sex? we all need to let off some steam from time to time don’t we? and that’s kind of my argument, she helped all those guys years ago let off steam but she wont do that for me.

    • It doesnt need to actually be emotionally connected, but there has to be an emotional reason. In the beginning there is some emotion of getting him close or there is an emotional curiosity for the 60 you mention.

      • You mean it is your husband just is not a good enough emotional reason….lol. this is why my son will go mgtow.

  201. This article is bollocks my wife had been frigid since our honeymoon we would sometimes go weeks and months up to 6 months without any intimacy 4 all various reasons. As a good Christian husband I tried to communicate and tried to have Grace and love. A little later 5 years into our relationship she admitted past wrongs in denying me and yet did nothing to change the pattern again with hopes that she would actually change I poured out Grace and love and kindness. At the 10-year mark we renewed our wedding vows and again I was promised buy her that going forward she would be a better wife more intimate and loving. 5 years later at our 15th wedding anniversary our marriage bed was still dead no life had come to it I started to demand the my intimacy needs be fulfilled 3 years later she claims that I have destroyed the marriage with my demands. She doesn’t realize or refuses to acknowledge that it is her who destroyed our marriage very early on.

  202. I feel for many of you. I read the article and I am feeling the pain and hurt many of you are as well. I must admit, I am am not the perfect husband, been married now for over 20 years. I have work to do. My question really, is where is grace, where is care and kindness. If I had known then what I know now about my spouse, I would not have pursued this relationship. We have a few kids, and when she wanted them, she was happy to give it a go. But the last five years have been horrible. She has no interest, when I have asked, she says, “if you want it, then you can have sex,” but in a demeaning way. Its lifeless and cold. She does not and has not initiated in more than five years. She is not affectionate at all. She says,”if you want a better marriage, you fix it.” I have personally had counselling and have tried. What I see above is a list of excuses. Sometimes these excuses are true and relevant, but sometimes they are just excuses for lack of love and interest. I cook, I clean, I do what I am told, help where and when I can with all sorts of things. When will it get better? When will any effort on my part lead to hope of being treated with true love and care as a person. I feel like I am being punished. I am sorry for any of you who are in the same boat. Working hard, but never seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have worked hard to show love and care, but I get beaten down with her ignoring my attempts or asked, “what do you want?” I can’t even show love, care and concern now without her showing contempt toward me as a person.
    Being that I am a Christian, I find the idea of divorce or separation hard to give into, but after five years of no reciprocation, feeling alone, unloved and abandoned emotionally, what do I do. I don’t want to give up but feel strongly as I should and look for someone else who wants to enjoy life together, love and be respectful of one another. What of the kids? How would this effect them and their lives….? Thanks for letting me spill my heart.

    • Hello Lost&Lonely, I have the same situation as you, is been like this for over 3 years, which decision you take at the end?. I hope you find the Right Solution. May Yeshua Bless you and your family!

  203. It seems these responses left out what I think is one of the more common causes of low libido in both men and women: side effects from medication, specifically the anti- depressant in the SSRI category like Zoloft, Paxil, etc. indeed, many of the responses above.could be caused by the meds.

    My wife and I had been married for about ten years when she complained of anxiety and her doctor prescribed her some Paxil. What she was anxious about I have, to this day, not the faintest idea. She is a stay-at-Home mom of our two teens, who are away at school and practices most of the day. I make more money (one million or so a year between practicing medicine and running a family business) than we could ever spend, and she passesher days playing tennis and golf. I work 50-60 hours a week but do my half of the housework, chores, carting the kids around to activities. So, WTH she was anxious with I can’t say.

    In any event, within a few months her personality completely changed, becoming distant and distracted. Libido dried up overnight. And within two years she had gained over 100 pounds. She cannot see any problem, insisting she feels great. Well, isn’t that fantastic for you! She has not consented to sex with any frequency since 2009, and not at all since 2014. At what point does a spouse think that cutting your partner off s chalky is a good idea.

    I put up with this situation for several years, but eventually got a mistress and have not asked her for sex in a couple of years. She seems happy about this, so I guess this works for us both. I still feel trapped, but recently got back into shape nearly as good as when I played college football 30 years ago. I hate to say it, but my goal now is to outlive her, then enjoy my freedom. To those saying I should get a divorce, why would I reward her awful behavior with half of everything I worked for over the decades?

    Thanks for allowing me to vent. I’m not saying the meds make her blameless but they played a part. And a giant F-You to Big Pharma, who stole my wife away…

  204. Your partner must be satisfied with you in order to desire you. That is their exchange for pleasing you.

  205. I want sex because it is required of a husband to desire his wife that way to assure her that it about her and her alone. However, she think all I want is sex but that is not true, I want it but necessarily desire it, it’s not about length of time, or whether she pleases me, I just want to please her — now what comes from that is release of joy, happiness, a sense of caring and. The biggest benefit is it keeps others out if you spirit to make selfish decisions that could harm your marriage. I understand that women think husband’s only want them for sex and in some form or another it is true; example, I don’t masturbate because I can’t satisfy myself like that, porn movies piss me off because I can’t participate and ladies many men can do everything a women can do except have sex (so, you are a pleasure and a comfort that set the universe on a positive and healthy course when it comes to romance and sex). I love my wife she wants a schedule but my desire for her is 365 days (respect for her monthly 7 day cleaning) but I desire her everyday). Yes her body has changed but I did not marry her for her then body that drew me but for ever changing body as we age together. The birth of kids can change her outlook on how she may perceive herself but I don’t buy into her negative perception of herself because I married her for all of her then and all her now. My story and I hope you can see that we all don’t think alike, so, therefore we do not all think the same.

  206. What i cannot get my head round is that my wife can see my frustration and how upset I get when she refuses to have any sex with me. 4 times in 1 year is just not enough for me. For example she refused sex because she was to tired one night, so I argued that if her best friend phoned her at that moment in tears and needs her to go round! She’d be round at a drop of an hat no matter how tired she is. I love my wife and would do anything for her, if I could she was frustrated and upset I would do anything for her to feel better. I’m not a pervert I don’t ask her to do strange shit ! I just some bloke who needs a healthy loving relationship and sex is apart of that.
    My wife is beautiful and has a fantastic figure, so I find myself trying to avoid her because I know I’ll get frustrated. If i was single with no partner I wouldn’t be frustrated because I wouldn’t be living with a beautiful women. So im i better off living on my own.
    Sorry to waffle on but I so confused and frustrated..

  207. A mutually satisfying sex life is essential to make most long term relationships work. The majority of failed relationships are due to the sex drying up, fact. Not suggesting anyone should be forced into doing sex just to keep a partner happy, instead think carefully of the hurt that the rejection causes, and look to overcome the obstacles or don’t be surprised when the rejected partner looks elsewhere to have his / her needs satisfied.

  208. I’ve been married for over 15 years and in the beginning my wife had a strong, healthy libido. Over time it became weaker – not all at once, there were still periods of regular intimacy, but over time it’s been a steady decline. The hardest part for me is that she won’t talk about it. As soon as I bring it up, she gets angry – it’s close to the only thing that will start a fight between us anymore. It’s been like this for years, even when things are going well. I’m embarrassed to say I’m not even 100% sure what she does and doesn’t like during intimacy. She won’t communicate on the subject at all. I can’t help but feel that it’s me, but she won’t give me even a hint that would allow me to do something about it. I don’t ask anymore. She doesn’t offer.

    There’s one exception. Just after her cycle, she will sometimes initiate it first thing in the morning when I’m barely awake (half the time I can hardly remember it later in the day), and then only for the time it takes to reach climax. She’ll reciprocate, but it’s purely mechanical. For a few minutes after, things seem great, then we both get up and clean off, and we’re more like roommates again for the next month. It’s weird being the guy and also the one who wants more intimacy, romance, and passion during sex.

    But now she’s going through menopause and my own libido is about a third of what it once was, mostly because I grew tired of being frustrated and adjusted my expectations. My biological drive is still there, but any other desire for sex is, I think, more habit than anything else. I expect I have a very short time before there’s no longer any sexual activity in our relationship at all, if we’re not there already (it’s been a few months). She doesn’t do it for my benefit, and if meno does to her what it does to most women, and the fact that there won’t be a hormonal cycle to peak her desire, I’m anticipating famine from here on out.

    She still wants me to desire her. In the past I asked her to pray with me that my own libido would be decreased so we didn’t have a mismatch in our relationship, but she adamantly refused and became angry that I’d even suggest it. She’s almost 50 and still has a great body, and she likes to tease from time to time to get a reaction. She’s still a bit of an exhibitionist. I honestly don’t know why, it doesn’t seem to turn her on at all and she literally never follows through. it used to be a huge turn on for me, but I’ve all but stopped reacting to it.

    There’s no chance of divorce. She’s my best friend, we have four kids, and there’s too much invested to throw it away over sex, but while my own drive is diminished it’s not gone, and as we all know that particular kind of desire doesn’t just go away on its own after a while. I’ve considered pornography and masturbation and just keeping that part of my life to myself from now on, but that’s an incredibly empty and cold alternative, and from what I’ve read it’s not an adequate replacement. Over time it’s affected my ability to emotionally connect with her, and she can sense it. We love each other, but the day to day routine is pretty clinical, and neither of us is putting the effort into our marriage that we once did. I’m not worried about splitting up, but I’m worried that it’s dying on the vine.

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