Are you playing with a full emotional deck?

Yesterday I wrote about anger. My bride has drilled into my head “Anger is a cover emotion”. We use anger to cover up “less acceptable” emotions such as humiliation, fear, and rejection. We use the anger to hide those other feelings from ourself and from others. This makes us feel safer, but it means we are not dealing with our real emotions and real issues. It also means our chances of resolving things are very poor.

Below is Plutchik’s wheel of emotions. I don’t agree with some of what Robert Plutchik concluded, but the wheel is a good tool for thinking about emotions. The first doughnut  out, with joy at the top, displays eight basic emotions. Moving in or out on any spoke gives you different intensities of those emotions. The eight emotions around the outer edge are “complex emotions” which are a blending of the two emotions either side of that word – so love is a blending of joy and trust.

How many of these do you know and feel? What do the missing one’s say about you?


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13 Comments on “Are you playing with a full emotional deck?

  1. Ouch. But, thanks. Anger IS absolutely my cover emotion. I am aware of it, though, and I really am trying to trust enough to let the others emotions out. As a target of emotional abuse by my first husband, my current and forever husband has had his work cut out for him, scaling the walls I’d built. With his kindness, love, patience, and God’s amazing grace, the walls are coming down. It’s not easy and it’s often scary, but it’s worth it.

  2. I would have 2 questions:

    – why are you keeping calling your wife “bride”? Isn’t she a WIFE and not a bride?

    – do you ever FAST from sexual acitivity for a period of time (days)? Or do you fast frequently and abstain from sex like PAul says?

    I am trying to see if sex in marriage promoted by you is “anywhere, anytime” within a frame, or there is balance with different spiritual or emotional and physical things (woman’s period for example -although hotholyhumorous says you can have sex even then – sex sex sex al the time).


    • Lover of God – As for “bride” I use it because it is has a different connotation than “wife”. I want to treat her the way most men treat a woman they have just married, as opposed to the way most men treat a woman they have been married to for years.

      Paul makes an allowance for sexual fasting in marriage, but in no way advocates it. He sets rather difficult standards for it, actually. He was battling Gnostics, who thought one could find secret spiritual wisdom by limiting or abusing the body. These folks said that those who are married should be sexless that they might grow spiritually.

      I think Paul made the allowance because there are some rare times when sexual fasting (by mutual agreement and for a short time, as Paul requires) can be beneficial. In addition to focusing on prayer, sometimes a sexual fast helps a couple’s marriage and/or sex life.

      As to menstruation, I agree with J – the OT prohibition is part of the law that we are no longer required to follow – along with things like not eating shrimp or bacon, not trimming our beards, and not wearing clothing made of blended fabrics.

      • Strange response about fasting and menstruation.

        We are more free to use sex – even when the common sense as well as medicine would say “”no”” like menstruation, and we don’t even fast so much so that we would have even a day per week without sex (supposing we fast one day per week for spiritual reasons).

        What’s wrong with this picture?

        • Lover of God – If you and your spouse both want to fast, from both sex and food (Paul seems to think a sex fast is more severe than a food fast and one forgoing sex should always forgo food) I certainly wouldn’t say anything against that.

          As to the medical aspect of sex during menstruation, if here are not sexually transmitted diseases, there is absolutely no medical reason why sex is harmful.

          In fact, if doing what is wise medically is your standard, then you SHOULD be having sex during menstruation. In addition to orgasm relieving cramps and PMS, sex during menstruation has been shown to decrease the risk for endometriosis.

          • HA HA HA HA

            Where in the world do you find this research about endometriosis? As well as others I see around here….Let me tell you, these are not medical sound – and I find them flawless to say at least.

            No, Paul doesn’t say when both partners want to fast from sex and food – it is sufficient that one does – the other needs to lovingly respect that.
            And….it doesn\t seem that Paul implies – not at all – that fasting from sex is harder than fasting from food. Again, with all due respect, sir, where in the world do you get these ideas from a simple text like 1 Cor 7?

            My personal stance on this is that you are BIASED to see meanings and explanations and ideas into Bible’s texts and “scientific”research to support your own position on sex – “the more the better” or something similar.

            • Lover of God – This will be my last reply as it is clear you have no respect for anyone who disagrees with you. Still, for the sake of others, I had to common on this because you have said the exact opposite of what the Scriptures say here.

              “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” [1 Cor 7:5 KJV]

              That concent must come from the spouse – if they don’t agree, it’s not allowed. This is the clear and simple meaning of what Paul says, and I see no way to get any other meaning without violating the scriptures. The Greak word here for “consent” Sumphonos Strong’s says it means “harmonious, accordant, agreeing thing agreed upon, compact”. I see nothing there that allows one to decree it, and requires the other “to lovingly respect that”.

              • Also for the sake of others….

                your translation means: one spouse wants to fast from food sex and other stuff, the other disagrees (they don’t come to consensus) , so the first spouse does not fast in the end , but enjoys freely food and sex in the day he/she planned to fast with God.

                Is that it?

              • Lover of God – “MY translation” can you show me a translation that does NOT say this VERY clearly?

                So yes, a spouse does have the right to veto a time of selflessness – period, end of subject. Fasting from food can be done without agreement, but fasting from sex can only be done by agreement. Paul is showing us something importnat here, and we need to “get it”.

  3. Thank you! This helps me understand my husband’s use of anger.

  4. And to back up my negativity towards your research infromations, check this out:

    “”All other evidence notwithstanding, this study fails to address 2 key facts known to be true by those who understand this disease the best – the women who live with the illness every day. Simply put, many women with Endometriosis simply cannot bear the pain caused by tampon insertion and wearing. As for sex: painful intercourse is a hallmark symptom of Endometriosis. Nowhere in the “10-15 minute long” survey used to complete this study does it ask women with Endometriosis, “Do you abstain from intercourse and tampon use during menses because it causes pain?” Many women with Endometriosis did in fact engage in both practices at one point in their lives; however, most were diagnosed with the disease prior to doing either, and such practices have had no role in aiding or relieving their symptoms or in preventing the disease. Still others with Endometriosis, who in fact have no pain with intercourse or tampon usage, were diagnosed with the disease regardless of either practice, and do not experience any preventive or symptomatic benefit as a result of engaging in such practices.

    For example: it may interest authors to note that in a time-constrained poll conducted on a very small sampling of ERC Members, collected over a 12-hour period, we received the following input:

    Preference(s) and experience(s) concerning the use of tampons (feedback restricted to surgically diagnosed patients only):

    20.69% of respondents indicated that they have no problem using tampons (any brand/size).

    20.69% of respondents indicated that they have never used tampons (any brand/size) and did not expect to at any time in the future.

    58.62%, an overwhelming majority, indicated that they had previously used tampons (any brand/size) and discontinued usage because they caused the patient too much pain and/or discomfort.

    Preference(s) and experience(s) concerning intercourse during menses (feedback restricted to surgically diagnosed patients only):

    25.00% of respondents indicated that they have engaged in intercourse during menses with no pain.

    33.33% of respondents indicated that they have not engaged in intercourse during menses, and are unlikely to do so in the future.

    41.67%, an overwhelming majority, indicated that they have engaged in intercourse during menses, but that doing so caused significant enough pain and/or discomfort to prevent them from doing so again.

    In summary, the preponderance of the women (ages 20-40) we surveyed had at some point in their lives engaged in intercourse during menses and worn tampons. The pain and discomfort from doing so were enough to make them stop such practices. Again, we would point out that all of these respondents have been surgically diagnosed with Endometriosis.””

    “”While the complete study report does indeed address the potential role of unasked confounders such as the concepts outlined above, it is highly unlikely that the general public, and even many physicians, will access the complete report, relying instead upon such enthralling headlines as “Use of Tampons and Sexual Activity Protect Women Against Endometriosis” and “Women who Engage in Sexual Activity or Use Tampons While Menstruating Seem to Lower Their Chances of Developing the Painful Condition Known as Endometriosis” to make their treatment choices and recommendations. Many will likely not even consider that the women who engage in such practices do so simply because they can – yet many with Endometriosis cannot. Like so much concerning Endometriosis, yet another enigmatic question looms: do painful symptoms of the disease occur because women with Endometriosis do not wear tampons or engage in intercourse during menses, or do those women not wear tampons or engage in intercourse during menses because they have Endometriosis and painful symptoms prevent them from doing so? This particular study does not adequately address this concern enough to arrive at any specific conclusions. While the report itself acquiesces this point within the complete discussion, the ensuing media commentary does not; preferring rather to convey a seemingly definitive message from authors that such measure are indeed protective/preventive.

    It is our strong opinion that advising the female public, particularly those already diagnosed with Endometriosis, to subject themselves to painful (and in certain cases, potentially dangerous) activities borders on the side of negligence. Indeed, while this study “raises interesting issues deserving further investigation,” it is unfortunate that it was released and quickly promulgated before additional, in-depth and conclusive investigations on the topic were performed.””

    • After all of this, are you expecting us readers to donate and support you financially for the CRAP that you write here on this blog?

      You don’t have ANY theological studies (you don\t provide a biblical theology of sexuality, you don’t even know the exegesis / hermeneutics of texts like Song of songs or even Paul’s Epistles), you don”t have any medical or pshychological background so you don’t even provide information that the worldly professionals do, and you don’t even have the minimum discernment and decency to understand the scientific reports and surveys that you read on NY Times or other “reliable” sources.

      You simply provide a club “The SEX is all”club – the more the better, the most important the better. And everything you do is done in this spirit.

      And you want our money for this WRONG approach on every level of sexuality (theological, physical, medical, pshycological)??? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! If you do lack any kind of discernment, just know that other Christians do have discernment.

      I am leaving this blog for good. Hope you come to your senses!

      • Lover of God – I find it interesting that you post this little tirade after I say that you are wrong about the medical aspects of sex during menstruation. For a story on one of the early reports (2002) on sex during menstruation being preventative for endometriosis, try this. As for your thinking that sex is somehow harmful during menstruation, you won’t find ANY qualified medical personnel in any modern country who would have any concerns other than STDs.

        My guess (from your email, which I won’t share) is that you are Eastern Orthodox, and that is the basis of your disagreements with me. That’s fine, but I wish you had been honest about that instead of just attacking everything in sight.

        I realise most protestants do not have a theology of sexuality – something in which the Eastern Orthodox and RCC have us beat. However, we are catching up. I was at a 2000 meeting of the AACC which discussed the need for such a theology.

        Just because my theology and hermeneutics doe not match your’s does not mean I don’t have them. As for Song of Songs (and I agree that is what it should be called, as I don’t think Solomon wrote it) this document is very much in line with what I’ve said about SofS for more than a decade.

        I don’t do a lot of heavy theology here, but that does not mean I can’t or have not. I am ordained, but I don’t mention that much. I have developed a circle of friends and contacts in various church leadership as well as medicine, including the field of women’s reproductive medicine. When we write something with a lot of medical information on The Marriage Bed, we always seek out those who are experts to look it over and tell us what we have wrong and what we have missed.

        In short, we are very serious about what we do here, and feel we will be held accountable by God for all of it and for any errors. I don’t talk about that, I am very aware of it.

        I’m sorry you did not find what you wanted here, but given our different church backgrounds that was a given. I pray that both of us will draw closer to God and become aware of our errors and short coming. Go in peace.

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