Confessions of the Husband of a Sex Positive Wife

Sex positive couple in bathtub | freedigitalphotos.netA couple weeks ago, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage wrote “10 Confessions of a Wife Who Loves Sex”. Then J of Hot, Holy & Humorous did her “Confessions of a Sex-Happy Wife” and it became a trend. You can find the first five such articles in their entirety, along with links to others, on The Marriage Bed’s 50 Confessions From Wives Who Enjoy Sex. Several male bloggers have done their versions of this, and it’s time for me to join in. However, I am going to do it a bit differently – I am going to talk about what it is like to be married to a “Sex Positive Wife”.

1. It has not always been this way.

I know what it’s like to be told no most of the time, to be thought of as oversexed, and to go so long without sex I wanted God to take my sex drive away forever. Had all the fights, felt like a jerk, felt unloved, and felt grossly misunderstood. Been there, done that, couldn’t get her out of the T-shirt.

2. I did not find a secret way to turn my wife into a holy nymphomaniac.

The change was more about her growth than anything I said or did. If anything, I probably made her feel worse, which was hardly helpful.

3. For a long time it was good, and getting better, but still not all I wanted.

At some point our sex life passed the minimum acceptable level, which was nice. Later it passed the “I could be happy if this is all there ever is” point, and that was great. At some point, it seemed greedy to want it to be better, but it kept getting better.

4. When it first got really good, I was scared it would not last.

I was almost afraid to go all in for fear she would lose interest and I would be worse off than before. It took the better part of a year to stop worrying about when it would all come crashing down.

5. I have all the sex I want.

We don’t talk specifics, but I have all I want, and if I wanted more I could have more.

6.  Sometimes I could pass on sex, but she wants it and I gladly do it for her.

This is the most awesome thing in the world, to have sex for her when I could easily go without. This is when I know she really likes sex, when I know she is not just doing it for me, and it’s fantastic feeling!

7. I get to hear “I thought about having sex with you today”.

Sometimes I get to hear the details too! Yes, this is as great and as arousing as it sounds. Being wanted, being desired, being lusted after both in person and in her thoughts is awesome.

8. A great sex life makes every other area of marriage better.

It also makes it easier to be loving and giving. In fact, it happens without even trying. It’s hard to get upset or frustrated or feel wronged by the woman who rocks your world and lets you rock hers as often as either of you wants. Let’s be honest, she could get by with just about anything now – and yet she doesn’t try, how’s that for awesome!)

9. Sex does NOT get old.

I used to wonder if we did it as often as I wanted if it would get boring. Would I start to want less? Would I start to want more variety? Neither of those is the case. When sex is really good, it goes way beyond the physical. Yes, the physical is fantastic, but there is far more to it, and the way you do it is just the doorway to all the awesome feelings. The “how” is far less important, because the “who” is so great.

10. I want to give her better sex than any woman has ever had in the history of the world.

Her pleasure is so enjoyable to me! The more she enjoys it, the better it is for me. I want to become the most incredible and skilled lover possible so I can give her as much joy and pleasure as she gives me. My goal is to make it so enjoyable she forgets her own name.

11. When a woman really enjoys sex, she knows how to make you feel crazy good.

Because she feels it, because she wants it, because she sometimes aches for it, she understands how I feel. She also understands how great it is to hear “lay back, I got this, this one is for you”. Having been on the receiving end of I-did-not-know-I-could-feel-that-way she wants me to have the same, and she will work hard to do it.

12. Yes, I am trying to make you jealous.

I want you to want this so much you will do what it takes to make it happen. Thing is, what makes it happen is NOT learning new sex tricks. Loving your wife sacrificially, studying her so you will know how to bless her, seeking her best and her happiness – these are the things that move her to a place of becoming a sex positive wife.

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31 Comments on “Confessions of the Husband of a Sex Positive Wife

  1. Exactly. You do such a good job putting pen to paper. I am a wife that finally gets “it” and I agree with all of your points. I just hate it took me so long. Thank you for your work on The Marriage Bed Forums, the Lord led me there to start my transformation to being a Generous Wife that now has her Awakening Story. I will be forever grateful, (as will my DH).

    • Thop – Thanks for the plug for the TMB Forums – a safe, Christian, sex positive, place. You are not alone, many have been helped by the community that has developed there over the last 13 years.

      In part my article here is an attempt to spread what is being done on the forums. Along with all the others, including a lot of wives, I am saying to the Christian world that sex is good and we can all enjoy it if we are willing to work at it. That message is vital, because many don’t get it. Being willing to work on it is important, but who will try to work on something if the don’t know it can be done? Sharing success stories shows that it is possible, and that moves people towards trying.

  2. Fantastic post! But here is the sad, but in fact liberating, truth: a husband can’t do this by himself. While Paul’s article are terrific (they are!), you can be the best person possible, even near perfect, but if your wife doesn’t want to also do this, the place where Paul has gotten to cannot be attained. This obviously applies also to a good woman with an uncooperative or indifferent husband.
    So this is my question for Paul: what made your wife decide to turn towards you and move forward to the place you are at?

    • Hi, I’m Paul’s wife.

      Basically I came to the conclusion that God’s Word was true and that I was not living in agreement with it. (ow, ow, ow)

      I pretty much knew that it was about integrity and letting God grow me up and heal me. I was so not happy with the process, but I have a hard time telling God “no.”

      Paul gave me a safe place in which to grow. He modeled Christ for me. No, he was not perfect, but he did his best to communicate his needs and he was there for me in any way that he could (I know that the non-sexual massages cost him big time).

      I would encourage men to live lives of integrity. It’s an incredible help and encouragement to your wife. In a way, you are not asking anything of your wife that you are not willing to do yourself.

      And please realize that prayer is a very significant part of the process. I think many times when I was “stuck” and didn’t know what to do, God’s response to our prayers opened up a source of help (a book, a thought, a person’s story, etc.). And, being real here, sometimes the prayers were just about my attitudes and the lies I believed.

      If your wives are in any way open to talking about it, please do encourage them to follow some of the blogs that Paul and I recommend. Women need to hear that sex is healthy, good and fun. They need to understand that it’s a blessing from God.

      Changing one’s belief system, honestly, can be very hard and challenging work, but it can be done.

      Tip Me Over ~

    • Andrew Jardine – You are right that you can’t do anything to make her change, but you can do a lot to prevent it, and a good deal to make room for it. Doing less of the first and more of the second is the way to go. That, and pray, pray, pray.

      You can also make your desires known, clearly and as lovingly as possible. Not a demand or even a request, but rather a “this is my understanding of what can and should be, and I pray we will move towards that.” It helps a lot if that understanding is a big picture of marriage which includes a healthy sex life. It really helps if that understanding includes some things she wants from you that you need to work on.

      The rest is up to the church as a whole. As I said to Thop, we can make a difference by sharing what marriage, including sexuality in marriage, can and should be. The growing number or pro-sex Christians is making a difference. There are fewer voices calling sex a duty or a necessary evil, and more calling it a blessing and a joy. That has an effect, albeit a gradual one.

  3. Thank you! This is encouraging since I am still stuck on number 1. But, at least I discovered those things not to do. I still do them on occasion but i am aware of them and really make a conscience effort to avoid them when I can.

  4. This may sound crazy, and I’m not saying it works for everyone. But I DO know the recepie for having a willing wife , for those who are interested. I’ve spent time in counsel with many married men who are unhappy with their sex lives, and time with men who are overjoyed with theirs. The key variable is the acknowledgement that the small things matter. Any woman responds well to cards, flowers, handwritten notes, a foot rub, neck rubs, scrubbing the toilet, cooking dinner, breakfast in bed, detailing the car….. When you do ALL of these things FREQUENTLY, Your wife will want to please you in any way that she can, because you have earned it. If a man takes care of his wife, a woman takes care of her husband. All it takes is a lot of small things, All the time. Happy Scrubbing Gents.

  5. Paul:

    I first found The Generous Husband years ago, when I was feeling depressed and sorry because I truly deeply loved my wife and sex really scarce, I became familiar with the term “pitty sex”, had fights and discussions about it from time to time, but kept loving my wife and wishing for more (you know what I mean!) I thank God because my wife also loves me, has accepted me with all my defects, and also because she is a believer. Years have gone by, next october we celebrate our 20th anniversary, and I am very happy to say your list reads like a story of my wedded life, the only “bad thing” being that ¡I can not tell anyone!. Seriously, if I had written the list, I would have added that change came thru her praying, that is what she told me, she prayed a lot for a long time and thanks to God’s grace was finally able to let go anything that held her back, my eyes are watering now; I thing my praying also worked. I think that my acceptance of the life I had with the woman I loved led me to stop pressuring her for sex, which of course as you should now has the exact opposite result. Talking about numbers 4 and 3, in that order, change was so sudden I thought maybe she had a brain tumor pressing on some glandule causing that big change, first two weeks I was just like our honeymoon, only better, but afraid that the tumor will kill her anytime, I am happy to report no such tumor existed, I am sad to report that at a point I had to wave the white flag to rest and recover. Yes, it went from “I could be happy with this” to “I did not think it could be like this” to “”OMG”, and I am not talking about frequency here, but about the level of satisfaction and understanding and a lot of other things, I think this is what the bible talks about when it says “one flesh, one spirit”. I thank God for all of the above, I have thought that if everything that happened in our life got us to this point, maybe it was God’s plan for us in order to really appreciate what we have now, and that every sorrow, pain, hardship and bad thing was worth it. I also want to point that in every other aspect of life it was really nice, my wife is a loving, caring, kind and intelligent person, but it was hard for me and now I know that also for her, not to have this level of connection. As I said in the beginning of this comment, at some point I started to look for help, honestly I first tried to find resources to make her more willing, ways to increase her libido, technics to make me a better lover etc, but found and learned that sex begins mostly outside of the bedroom with the every day actions we make, that foreplay begins with a glance, a flower, a compliment or any other planned or random generous act for your wife. I found out that me being selfish and looking for my satisfaction was not enough to have a happy marriage. It all started when I found The marriage bed, and then progressed to The generous husband tips, which I try to promote now. Thank you Paul and thank your Lori, for sharing and helping, you have been in my prayers, God bless you both.

  6. Happy now – You just told a LOT of people! Thanks for that, the more voices the better. You and your bride are not alone, we hear this all the time. Women in their 30’s, 40’s, even their 50’s suddenly “wake up” sexually and can’t get enough.

    What triggers the change varies, but one constant is that the women were in solid, safe, loving marriages. I can’t say that such a marriage will always result in a woman waking up sexually, but other than a tumour I don’t think it ever happens in a marriage that is not these things. It is a necessary prerequisite for the change.

  7. I read this article to my husband…he really enjoyed it, it gave us both laughs and led to a somewhat short conversation. He knows I am working on becoming a more sex positive wife but he’s helping more than he knows. Some things that he has started doing that has made me more attracted to him and willing:
    -he’s realized we talk and learn about eachother when we go walking. I REALLY enjoy this time with him. He makes me laugh, talk about deep issues, swing at the park (he made jumping out of the swing an olympic sport…gotta stick your landing), and sometimes we pray…there’s no pressure just us walking and talking.
    -he has started giving me more kisses. Passionate kisses. Kisses when there isn’t time for anything else to happen. Kiss out in the parking lot when we’ve drove different cars. Goodbye kisses have turned into I can’t wait to see you again kisses. These kisses are kinda of a no pressure kiss, just 5 seconds and then one of us leaves. Simple yet wonderful.
    – he’s become quite handy around the house…no details needed. When I’ve asked if he’d like to help he’s jumped in with out any bribes or trading work for “fun”. Him helping is just flat out sexy.
    -he’s been holding my hand more. The place I find i love it the best is when we are in praise and worship at church (my eyes water thinking of it). It’s almost as if he is publically thanking and praising God for me and our marriage. To be able to praise god not just by myself but as one with my husband…I swear I could jump him at church :-)

    All of these “no pressure” small things that don’t necessarily lead to sex that he has chose to do almost makes me think it’s completely my idea when it comes to sex. But in reality he has truly made me want him physically near me constantly and sexually. So I know my prayers and the word of god are working. His acts of love move me into loving and respecting him more.

    This shows that it is a team effort to be one. Even though I feel I have more progress to make, I think it’s wonderful he has chose to help me in this.

    Thanks! I enjoy reading both of yalls stuff!!!!

  8. Hehe…my husband wanted to know what was taking me so long fixing dinner. Saw I was typing…wanted to know what I wrote. So I read it to him. I think he was surprised :-) <3

  9. Pingback: 10 Confessions of Another Sex-Positive Wife « mission:wife

  10. Pingback: 10 Confessions of a FAITHFUL Wife « AFFAIRCARE

  11. This is awesome.. how did you turn the corner with your intimate lives?

  12. on #15…
    It’s so hard to hang on to hope. And even if you do everything right your wife may not come around, as Andrew Jardine noted above. Is there any reason to believe, statistically speaking, that I will ever be able have the kind of sex life like Paul describes. Or do I just need to die to my own desires, give up my preference for a great sex life, and make the best of what I have, which isn’t bad, by the way. It just isn’t all that I would like it to be.

  13. NJ – Julie of Intimacy in Marriage had a great post on this recently – Too Late To Improve Love and Sex in Your Marriage? Maybe Not! .

    I’ve seen it happen decades into a marriage. Over on the TMB forums they call it a “sexual awakening” and there are plenty of women who have reported it.

    There is nothing you can to do ensure it, but there are many things you can do it improve the odds. You can also pretty well guarantee it won’t happen by doing and not doing certain things.

  14. Very good I have been married for forty years and sex is better now than before ooyeeeaaaa.

  15. This is great info for married people but terrifying for singles! I have so many struggles being single, thank God celibacy isn’t one anymore! I’ve been dating someone quite awhile and have considered marriage. There are some past financial issues she’s still working on. But this article brings to light my issue of not having any desire for her physically. Which works great for dating… least for me. ….but I know it’s difficult for her because she’s used to at least having to struggle a little to keep it holy. She knows she’ll never have that problem with me. I was married before once so I know saying “I do” doesn’t miraculously change desire. I keep hearing about God wants us to have amazing sex in marriage…….she’s definately sex positive…..If God didn’t make me the way I am now…We’d be in trouble. God wants us to have what you guys are talking about…..but can you have a good marriage without it? Should I just not marry this girl because that’s just not happening with her?

  16. I am a sex positive wife, but my husband has not been interested in meeting my needs sexually since we were married fourteen years ago.  When we were in the “It’s good and I’d be ok if it stayed like this” phase, we were having sex about once or twice a month.  My advances are denied.  He does things which make it quite clear he is avoiding going to bed with me, including drinking when he was already tired, causing him to fall asleep early on the couch.  He works nights and is always tired, going to school.  So for the last 2 years, sex has only happened about 6 times a year.  He actually told me a couple of weeks ago he does not love me.  I don’t know whether to really believe him or not. There were times in our marriage where I really thought he DID love me.  He’s always said I was a good mom and good wife.  I have always worked to help with the bills (except on the few occasions I was laid off and collecting unemployment).  I’ve asked him if he was having an affair (in case any of you wondered) and he said no.  I shared with him that when men don’t answer the phone when their wife calls, start doing their own laundry, suddenly shave their groin, leave for work early and come home late- it begs the question if there is something going on.  He insisted that there wasn’t.  I know this isn’t really enough to get the whole picture, but I’m so confused on how to proceed with him.  I’ve basically been doing the “good wife” role, giving him space to get through whatever this is.  I’m heartbroken, but trying not to show too much emotion.  I’m exhausted, but trying to do better than usual with the housework.  We have two kids, and I’m always the one driving them around, or taking them shopping- he rarely pitches in- and rarely helps out with their expenses.  I know I may never be able to experience the things you wrote above, but as a woman who is willing, it is very hard to be positive and self confident when you deal with rejection on a regular basis.

  17. preacherskid You do well to be conferenced! If you have no sex drive and she does your marriage will be difficult and painful for both of you.
    The question is this – have you lost your sex drive, or sublimated it? Is it gone, or buried? When did sex stop being a problem for you? Any idea why? Was it sudden or gradual?

  18. MHMC Clearly something is going on with him, but what is impossible to tell from what you have said. Just pulling things out of the hat, depression would be one possibility.
    Unless you press for change, there will be no change. Unless you press to get help, that will not happen. Your marriage might continue as it for decades, or he might walk without warning one day. I doubt you have enough information to have a clue what might happen, which is a bad place to be.
    If he will not get help with you, I suggest you seek help on your own.

  19. It really stopped being a problem after I turned 35. 43 now. I don’t believe it’s the age. In all honesty, I just have never been attracted to anyone that doesn’t challenge me intellectually. I read 3 books at a time. I’m writing my 4th. She doesn’t read at all. And she just physically not my type. But she loves me unconditionally. I also think my younger days as a touring musician in sin….I kind of checked off all the boxes on my sexual to do list. No physical attraction and no intellectual attraction leaves only the emotional attraction. And that’s not enough to make me interested. I’ve got to do something. I can’t keep dragging my feet about proposing. But I’m dreading the thought of the honeymoon. I will add….she’s not the love of my life…..timing and circumstance prevented that relationship from ever happening. She knows this and says I’m the love of hers. I know marriage isn’t supposed to be about body type and the “outside appearance”. She loves me….isn’t that be enough? Why isn’t it?

  20. preacherskid I certainly understand not being interested in a woman who does not challenge me intellectually. I would not want to live with such a woman either. 
    My primary concern is for her. She desires you sexually, but you do not desire her. How will she feel is sex happens a few times a year because you feel you owe it to her? Not being wanted as she wants you will be painful for her. When she realises she is not giving you what you want intellectual, how will that make her feel? I understand why she currently feels such a marriage is better than nothing, but I fear she will not feel the same way in a few years. I think you would be okay with being roommates, but I doubt she will be.
    My suggestion would be some deep, probing meetings with a third party. Examine all the issues.. Decide what you can each live with, and what each of you thinks might reasonably be expected to change.

  21. TheGenerousHusband MHMC 

    He refuses help.  I asked him again this weekend, he said no.  He told me he doesn’t like “everything” about me.  When I asked for specifics, he didn’t offer. I then explained to him that I cannot keep sharing a bed with him.  I told him I’m going to need a place to sleep (we don’t have any extra bedrooms or sleeping arrangements in the house- when he sleeps during the day because of his work schedule, he will sleep outside in the camper to insure he gets uninterrupted sleep).  When it came time to go to sleep our first night together after I told him this, he immediately went to our bed, leaving me to sleep on the couch (when he could have gone out to the camper where he sleeps 3 to 4 days a week anyway).  He is resentful of me, but I can’t figure out why. 
    He has a very close relationship with his mom, and sometimes I feel like she’s the “other woman”.  He often takes her advice or input over mine, and will give her much of his time and energy, and has none to give to his wife and kids.  I hate feeling like I’m competing with her for his attention. I used to have a good relationship with her- friendly for the most part.  Now since I have shared with her some of our troubles, she has been distant with me, and will defend him to me.  I regret ever telling her anything.

    He is on medication for anxiety and depression.  He mostly seems detached and unemotional.  He rarely shows any emotion- especially anger- and will instead act out in very passive aggressive ways.  Sometimes in very unhealthy and inappropriate ways. 

    I’m afraid if I “press him” it will just make him more angry.  Since he seems to have such an aversion to me, I don’t want to make it any worse.

  22. MHMC TheGenerousHusband Sharing things with his mom may be why he resents you. 

    I suggest you find help for yourself. Learn how to best deal with his passive aggressive behaviour. Learn how to feel good about yourself regardless of what he is doing. It is not easy, but you can grow in this direction. He may respond positively or negatively to this, but either way you will be in a better place.

    In short, choose to become healthier yourself.

    Praying for both of you.

  23. preacherskid  I don’t know what has happened, but if you see this — do not marry her. No, it is not enough for her to love you when you do not love her. It is a cruelty to marry her, and she will feel it every single hour that you are together.

  24. Pingback: 10 Confessions of a Sex-Renovated Wife | Oysterbed 7

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