Control issues

I am convinced control is a major problem in many marriages. One or both spouses feels less in control than they would like, resulting in them doing all kinds of odd, rude, destructive, and just plain crazy things. We do things to try to get control; we do things to try to keep our spouse from having control; we do things because we are upset about not being in control.

Examining control |

This is, of course, basic human nature. We. Want. To. Be In. Control! Every parent of a child older than a few of months weeks hours knows they want some control over their life. Increasingly common eating disorders are about being in control. I think a fair amount of promiscuity is about control, and having or proving one is in control is a reason for many of the wrong/stupid things adolescents do. Even the original sin was all about wanting to be in control.

I understand the desire to be in control – I feel it just like everyone else. However, I have learned this desire tends to result in far more bad than good, and can make a marriage less happy, or miserable, or tear it apart. I am not sure I can make a solid biblical claim wanting to be in control is sin, but a great deal of what flows from the desire is ugly and has nothing to do with being godly.

I am going to rant about pontificate on control for a few days. Before I get started, why not think about control in your life, and in particular in your marriage. Where do you have it, where do you not? Where do you want more control? What does your lack of control cause you to do?

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4 Comments on “Control issues

  1. I just did a study on unity in the church and in the family structure and without going into all the scriptures, the clear conclusion I found was that unity comes when we humble ourselves and humility comes only as we submit to the authorities God places over us and to one another. Therefore, wherever there is an issue of control, there is not unity because there is no humility because humilty comes from submission. As simple as that sounds, it is extremely difficult to apply and do.

  2. Speaking personally I have recently read (probably for the nth time!) Eph 5:25-30. The Holy Spirit convicted me and made clear that I was not living up to these verses. After nearly 38 years of marriage I am now really trying, with
    God’s help, to live as these verses command. I am putting my wife’s needs/desires ahead of mine. My change in attitude has surprised her but our relationship is improving almost daily. (It was not bad before, I hasten to add). We have fewer problems we are truly best friends and a wonderful spin off is that in bed we are better and more frequent lovers as God intended.

  3. John – I agree, I’ve seen this over and over. It is simple, but not easy.

    David – Yup, difficult verses. It’s not the message we men want, but it is truth and it does work if we submit to it.

  4. John & David: yes and yes.

    And I will add that I used to point at my wife’s lack of submission as the source for the lack of unity. But God showed me that as the man, the head, and the overinf for my bride, the lack of unity in my marriage is a result of ME, not her. If I were perfectly submitting my will to Gods AND my desires to my bride’s (which is what serving someone must require). Selflessness is the only way to lead and assure that we will be followed by our family. Any hint of selfishness will drive our bride to rebellion, which I think is God’s way of revealing our selfishness as husbands. At least He showed me that He does this in my marriage.

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