Control – poor solutions

Remote control |
click click click ……CLICK CLICK CLICK …. CLICK! CLICK!!! CLICK!!!!

Couples deal with their mutual desire for control in a variety of ways, most of which are poor solutions not resulting in either being very happy with the situation.

  • My side, your side: Life is divided into areas, with each area being under the control of one spouse. He is king of the garage; she is queen of the kitchen. He handles the bills; she handles the social calendar. Suggestions are ignored, and help is not offered. Each wants more control in some area where there spouse “rules” but is unwilling to reciprocate by giving up control of in any of the areas where they “rule”.
  • That’s your responsibility: An even less nice version of the above, where we deal with something we don’t want to do by assigning it to our spouse as their duty. Men did this for centuries, making certain things “women’s work”. This becomes a matter of control by limiting her time and energy. While it is not as bad as it used to be, this is not dead. And women do it too.
  • Tit for tat: This is punishing our spouse when they exercise what we see as too much control. This could look like some of the things I mentioned yesterday. Tit for tat can also be excessive complaining, or doing little things to retaliate – things like “forgetting” something or losing something, or otherwise making your spouse “pay” for overstepping the bounds you would like her to follow.
  • Now you see it, now you don’t: You want it one way, she wants it another, and you each keep changing it. You want an item in one place, she wants it in another, and you each keep putting it where you want it.

Does your marriage have bad compromises or silly games because of unresolved control issues? A lot of poor control “solutions” are less obvious than what I have listed, so you may have to think a bit.

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3 Comments on “Control – poor solutions

  1. Perhaps it’s just me, but I feel that another bad solution is when couples have separate finances/bank accounts. I can see how it might cut down on tensions, but it’s not exactly building closeness, trust and intimacy.

  2. I had to chuckle because hubby and I had a little add going on with the toilet paper roll one year. I like it to roll over. Hubby prefers it under. We never mentioned it, never fought, never demanded or expected….I am not even sure hubby fully noticed! I happened to when he was having his morning air down and we were chatting and during the chat, he reached for the to, removed it, flipped it over and out it back the way he likes it. When he left, I switched it back. Sure enough, the next time he used it, it was turned around. This went on for a while until I found the roll off the rod and balancing upright on it! Lol! Pretty much since then it has been set to over rather than under. Our oldest is self-appointed tp roll changer now.

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