Why “Why?” is usually a bad sign

If I said to a group of women “Sex is important to men” I would almost surely have someone ask “Why?”. If I told a group of men their wives need more time talking with them, I would probably get “Why?”.

Lonely woman © Iloveotto | Dreamstime.com

The same thing happens during one on one or couple to couple talks when we suggest a husband or wife needs more respect, or loving words, or time together, or whatever it seems one of them needs. “Why?” is one of the most common responses to such information, and it is usually a bad sign.

It would be find if the “why” was because the person wanted to understand so they could be a better spouse. If they were just curious, no problem. However, “Why?” is most often the opening gambit in explaining why the spouse does not need whatever, or does not deserve it, or why it’s just not reasonable at this time to expect it to happen.

If your spouse needs something from you, why they need it is irrelevant to what you should do. They need it; either you do your best to provide it, or you don’t. The first is loving, the second is not. It is that simple.

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4 Comments on “Why “Why?” is usually a bad sign

  1. I like how your post have become more pointed as of late. Reading your blot everyday has been a blessing for a man with plenty of temptation.

  2. Amen. And I have learned by God’s hand in my marriage that her wants, her desires, are opportunities for me to serve her, and thereby serve and obey God. Why did she paint the kitchen blue six months ago and then change her mind? What difference does that make? If painting a few walls is all it takes to show her I’m her man, here to serve and love her, I’m in. And because she knows I’m her man in ALL things, that I take joy in blessing her, she respects, honors and loves me. Meet her needs, her wants, her heart’s desire, and you will win her heart. And keep chasing after it and winning it, because she will always want you to. It is a passionate and joyful chase, and when both husband and wife are chasing God, it is the way it was designed. At least that’s how I see it.

    • You are so right, Mike. I’m sure it was difficult in the moment to think about the time and money invested in painting the kitchen blue and not express a little frustration as opposed to “What other color have you been thinking about?” followed by, “I see your point. Let’s go look at some chip charts.” Tough sledding there (GRRR!), but letting her make a misstep (How much better is that than “mistake”?) and recovering without guilt and blame does wonders in such situations. “Why in the world did you have me paint it blue in the first place then?” would have been the epitome of Lose-Lose for both parties.
      I have decided to adapt various tenses of “painting the kitchen blue” to situations involving “missteps” in the future. Married life is full of opportunites to paint our kitchens blue. How we pick the new color and go about repainting is what strengthens our relationship.

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