5 Great Non-sexual touches

When “they” say sex starts in the kitchen, they mean for women sex is connected to everything else she does with her guy.

Sex in the kitchen? | freedigitalphotos.net

This is especially true for touch; if she gets plenty of no-strings-attached touch, she is much farther along the “yeah, sex would be nice” path than if she does not get such touch. If she gets mostly strings-attached or openly sexual touch outside of the bedroom, she is likely to be on a different path all together.

When I say non-sexual, I mean it is not sexual for her, and she does not feel you 1) are doing it just for sex, and 2) are not getting all turned on by doing it. The first is, or should, be easy – it’s okay you want sex, but if you are doing things only to get sex, with no thought to making her feel good, you need to work on your concept of love. The second is more difficult, because let us face it, her body is hot, and touching it gets you thinking, which gets you horny. If she’s not fully dressed, you skip thinking and go straight to horny. I get it, but as a woman, she probably does not. The best you can do it not let her know it’s making you desire her even more, and avoid waving your desire in her face, if you follow me. I am not saying lie to her, just don’t make a big deal about it.

Good ways to give her the non-sexual touch she needs are:

  1. Hold hands. Simple and powerful. Do it when you walk together, when you watch television together, across the table, even at stop lights in the car.
  2. Your arm around her waist or shoulder when walking or sitting. As above, but more personal. Resist the urge to cop a feel!
  3. Foot rub. Feet get sore, and rubbing them helps. If she is ticklish, use a firm touch. This may be one of the “safest” touches you can offer her. 
  4. Shoulder/Back rub. This is another tension issue, and again massage can really help. Learn where she hurts, and how to release the tension without significant pain. Do not drift too far around the sides towards her breasts, or down towards her butt, unless you KNOW BEYOND A DOUBT she would like it. I did not say be okay with it, I said like it.
  5. Snuggling. Okay, I know this is a turn on unless you just had sex – and maybe even then. For her snuggle may be sexual at times, but it is not always sexual. Assume it is not unless she gives you good reason to think otherwise. Resisting the urge to make it sexual is tough, but if it makes her feel more loved and comfortable it will result in her being more open to sex overall. 

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15 Comments on “5 Great Non-sexual touches

  1. I once tested how my wife views various kinds of touch. I listed in random order about 12-15 different types of touch, ranging from holding hands to intercourse. Then we each independently organized the words however we saw fit. Mine was a list from least to most sexual. I expected her to do something similar, with maybe some differences in the order of the types of touch, but she surprised me. She split the words into two distinct categories: sexual and non-sexual touch. This showed me that my wife has a mental divider between the two. I suspect that many other women do as well, whereas men mostly do not.

    Because of the way she divides touches into two camps, no amount of non-sexual touch is going to get her moving towards wanting sex (although it helps her be open to entertaining the idea). If I want sex, how can I use touch to communicate that? How can I use touch to get her thinking more about sex without making her feel like I only want her for sex?

    • NJ – For some women the non-sexual does move them towards the other column.

      For most women a lack of non-sexual puts up a wall between the two columns. So it’s not that the non-sexual leads them to the sexual so much as the non-sexual is a prerequisite to have any possible interest in the sexual.

  2. Here’s a mind Bender for you! My husband is good at non sexual touch…..touching me with little to no intention of getting or wanting sex from me, but simply to touch me out of love and connection. However, I figured men touch women like that because they want sex…..and a wife never refuses, so……I would start heading for sex and he’d back off and get turned off by my advances. I would think he didn’t find me attractive or what gave you…offense all around. Now, I get it and things are better communicated and I realize I have a rare gem for a husband.

  3. Lots of wisdom here. A good guideline for guys is to always strive to make your wife feel good via your actions (touch, words, etc) without regard to your own feelings. That change of mindset will often lead to her reciprocating, and making you feel good too!

  4. Good one Paul. I always vote for more non-sexual touch. Of course, I also vote for more sexual touch. Maybe it’s just that I like to touch my wife a lot. There’s something intimate about touching her nice, soft skin, even when it’s not sexual.

  5. As a man, I can’t help but feel at least a little offended whenever I read this type of post.

    I’m not arguing with the truth of it; I’ve heard it a million times, and yes it’s an important message with which I don’t disagree.

    HOWEVER – and this is a big HOWEVER – it also strikes me as a major, unfair, lopsided situation. The man is required to continue putting forth effort all day long but is not allowed to expect anything in return or otherwise the whole effort is meaningless because the very presence of the motivation of possible sexual reward negates its value. Although it’s not explicitly stated and I also know full well it’s not the intent of this line of argument, as a man when I read this type of advice I can’t help hearing at least a shade of, “it’s perfectly OK for the wife to discount the entire effort and not give anything in return, and that’s perfectly the woman’s prerogative should she so choose and the man is supposed to just suck it up and keep on giving regardless.”

    Biblically, that is absolutely true if we go by the example of Jesus. But Biblically it is also true that the wife does have bodily obligations to her husband as per Corinthians. Biblically, sexual union is to be engaged in frequently and regularly with abstinence only by mutual consent and for the purposes of prayer.

    It would sure be nice – and go a long way towards alleviating a lot of that sense of unfairness – if THAT Biblical fact were emphasized to the women readers of blogs such as this as often as posts similar to the above are presented to the men.

    • Anony – I’d say you should not expect sex in return for the non-sexual touch, you should expect sex because it’s what’s right for her to do. You should touch her non-sexually regardless of her having sex or not, and she should have sex regardless of you touching her non-sexually or not.

      Neither husband nor wife has the right to refuse because the other does – you will never hear me saying differently to either spouse. That said, it’s a lot easier for all of us to give when our own needs are being met, and that is why giving her what she needs is smart . Her refusal would be wrong if she was being refused, but it would also be far more likely.

      I have argued to women that they can increase the odds of getting what they want by offering more sex. I always get a lot of argument when I do this, just as I get flack when I tell men to give their wives what she needs.

  6. Sorry – meant to say at the beginning of my above post that I am *NOT* arguing with the truth of the topic of this blog post.

  7. Thanks for the acknowledgement. All I ask is that both sides of the issue be presented, and now you’ve done that. :)

  8. My love language is physical touch, so this is a very important one for me! But I don’t understand why it would be considered wrong for a husband to touch his wife’s squishy parts at any point in time. I love when my husband takes joy in my body. It’s his to enjoy, his to appreciate, and my body is the only one he’s allowed to touch or see! Why on earth would any woman discourage that? A wife’s body is not her own, but belongs to her husband – so why would she refuse him access to it? Plus, it’s nice to be desired. :)

    • Jenny – I agree with what you say, but some women don’t see it that way due to wrong teaching or being mistreated in the past (by hubby or by someone else).

      I can certainly understand why a woman would feel back if her husband’s actions communicated his only reason for wanting to touch her were for sex.

  9. I find my husband’s facial hair to be sexy. Today we carpooled with his parents to lunch and I was leaning against him and his beard brushed my forehead. It wasn’t obvious, but it was incredibly intimate…and a turn on!

  10. “….let us face it, her body is hot, and touching it gets you thinking, and that gets you horny. ”

    I tried to get my wife to consider this very point a while back. I asked her to consider that perhaps we don’t touch women only because we want sex but perhaps, on ocassion, WHEN we touch them we get aroused and then think about sex. The touch would be leading the thought as opposed to the thought leading the touch. I know it has happened that way with me more than once. I wasn’t thinking about sex until I touched her. Be fair and give us an ocassional pass on this one, ladies.

  11. Pingback: Love Needs Nurturing - Marriage Missions International : Marriage Missions International

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