Seven key points

Patty Newbold of Assume Love recently posted What I Believe About Marriage and How to Enjoy It. I was challenged by the clear simple three-point message. As a regular reader of her blog, I could have given you the three points before I read them. I wondered what it would look like if I tried to narrow down what I believe, and what I share here, to a few points.

seven ball seven times © La Fabrika Pixel S.l. |

I took a look at the tags I use to label my posts, thinking it would give me a good picture of what I am actually saying. Turns out it was a rather good fit with what I would say I most want to communicate via this blog. Below are the top seven tags, how many times I have used each on the 1,349 posts on this site, and what I generally want to communicate. [Note, numbers are as of 10/15/2014] The links go to pages with links to all posts labelled with each tag. I will write on each of these over the next week.

  • 301 BeBetter: Working on you is fundamental to my thinking on marriage. It is the right thing to do, and it significantly improves the changes your spouse will also try to be better.
  • 274 I_choose: I believe we have the power to choose a great many things. If nothing else, we can choose how we react to things.
  • 139 knowing: The more we know, the more power we have to choose and to be better. Knowing also helps us help our spouse.
  • 137 kindness: Kindness is foundational to marriage, yet it seems in short supply between many couples. Choosing to be more kind can have a huge impact on your marriage.
  • 134 practical: Yeah, I love research, charts, and details, but if I cannot reduce those things to practical suggestions, they are of no use. Likewise, in our marriages – if we do not do the practical things, the rest really does not matter.
  • 127 sexISgood: I do not see sex as the frosting on the cake; I see sex as a vital part of a healthy marriage.
  • 122 sex4her: Sex is less automatic and far more problematic for women. Even if you have never hurt her sexually, society has. If you want her to enjoy sex as she should, you will have to put some effort into learning how to make it great for her.

Image Credit:  © La Fabrika Pixel S.l. |

3 Comments on “Seven key points

  1. My only argument is with the “sex is vital” point. I prefer the frosting on the cake analogy because calling sex “vital” leaves the idea that when a vital is gone, the marriage is dead, which I think is a dangerous idea. You can have a good marriage without sex…I don’t recommend not having sex, but in circumstances where someone is very ill, recovering, or seriously injured permanently and sex is not something that can happen, it doesn’t mean the marriage is dead, nor that it cannot be a good one.

    Sometimes I think the pendulum has swung too far the other way in Christian circles concerning sex in marriage. It seems to be becoming an idol for many, an entitlement. I see it in comments and posts complaining about having to wait if the wife just had a baby, or is on her period, or is put on bed rest. Yes, I took care of my husband when I went through bedrest and post partum, even though he was a very gracious man and did not push me for anything. However, I felt that I deserved the same when he was recovering from his vasectomy. He asked me to leave him be, but I felt sex was vital and I deserved to be taken care of, especially since I was tempted to sin…and after all, I took care of him. Well, God dealt with me there. God’s the One who showed me the cake/icing analogy. He told me to work on our cake and let Him put the icing on.

    Yes, sex is important to a marriage. The icing should not only cover the cake, but be in between the layers, too. But it is not VITAL…so vital that a spouse cannot be loving or upholding of their vows when a their spouse is sick, injured or going through a season in life.

    Yes, I do believe sex should be as frequent as possible in a marriage. Yes, I do believe we should give even when it isn’t convenient for us. But we should never hold sex up to such a level that we feel we NEED it, DESERVE it more than our spouse needs or deserves our love and respect and patience. If I hear one more husband complain about being tempted when the little wife just had a baby, or whining about how he can’t have her boobs because the baby is on them, I’m going to tell him to grow a set and grow up!! Love your wife and baby instead of your genitals. It’s a season and sex isn’t so vital that you can’t live without it for a time, like you can’t live without food or water or air.

    • livinginblurredlines – I think we are working with slightly different definitions of vital. You seem to be going along the line of “vital organ” – without it you die. I am thinking of absolutely necessary for full and normal function. I will have to think about a better word. How about critical, as i “mission critical”?

      In days gone by a couple’s first sex was “consummating the marriage”. Service and vows were not enough, without sex they were not married.

      Yes, a couple can love and live together without sex, but it’s not the same. I realise there are couples who can’t have sex (although most could do something if they wanted to) and that is sad, but I am unwilling to change the lines to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

      To me it’s like losing a couple of limbs – you are still alive, and you can still have a good live, but you can not do some things you could do with those limbs, and your life is forever changed by the lose of the limbs. The bottom line is a marriage without sex is very different than, and inferior to, a marraige with sex. In all but the most extreme situations it is also a marriage in which at least one spouse is in sin and rebellion to God.

      And yes, we have a lot of selfish men and women out there who need to grow up. That includes putting your spouse ahead of your genitals, but it also means putting your spouses God given sexuality ahead of your own wants. When both of these happen, it’s a beautiful thing. When only one spouse does it, the one doing it has a burden to live with.

      • Ok, I get what you are saying. As for your last paragraph, I know what you mean. I was denied O’s and refused sex for nearly 3 years simply because he didn’t like taking the time to bring me there and he’s often too tired.

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