Sex for Her – but not knowing what to do

Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are all fairly similar in what we want and enjoy – yes, there are some variations, but not much.

Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating.

Confused man © Martin Applegate |

Below are many ideas, some of which will apply to your bride, while some will not. Most of these have links to past posts if you want more information:

  • Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you are the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what does not, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and when it goes from feeling good to not as good. Assure her she will not hurt your feelings; you do not have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure.
  • Just because she is not feeling “horny” does not mean she is unwilling to have sex, nor does it mean she will not enjoy sex if she has it. For men sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women sexual desire is triggered.
  • Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her.
  • The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having.
  • Because her bits are so much more sensitive, she is far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Find out why women hurt more, and then ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help if she does.
  • She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while agree that for them the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word.
  • If she has great difficulty with orgasm (or has never had one), the problem is probably between her ears. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help.
  • Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her.
  • Due to wrong ideas and experiences, most women’s sexual reality is not what it should be. The better you understand how sex is for her, the better you can learn to pleasure her.
  • Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no)
  • If you want to spice things up, a new position is a fairly safe way to go.
  • Sex toys are another way to spice things up, but be sure she is okay with it first!

Above all else, keep trying, and do all you can to be understanding and pleasant! 

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One Comment on “Sex for Her – but not knowing what to do

  1. It really can feeling unloving and selfish when a husband wants nothing to do with dealing with his wife’s cycle and fertility. It can feel so loving when he embraces it and works with her through it, especially when he takes care of her during those sometimes difficult first days if menstruation rather than pouting in the corner because she isn’t up for sexual activity.

    It is a tremendous blessing when a husband is an active participant in his wife’s birth control. It can take such a load off our minds if he doesn’t see it as her responsibility alone and if he doesn’t whine about wearing condoms or waiting until the spermicide kicks in, or whatever. And it helps to know that he is ok with if she gets pregnant anyway.

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