Why can’t she be the way my girlfriends were?
A comment on a poll I did recently read, “If only my wife treated me as well as my sinful high school girlfriends so many years ago”.
I suspect many men who did more than hold hands with someone before their bride have had similar thoughts. If you got more, or better, when you were single, it is understandable to think this way. What you need to realise is this is comparing apples to orange juice. I have mentioned this before in passing, but I think it is important so I am going to focus on it today.
What a woman does sexually before marriage has little or nothing to do with drive, desire, preferences, or enjoyment.
Even in most Christian circles, some level of sex is required to get repeat dates. In marginally Christian or non-Christian circles, the expectation is even greater. Going from dating to a serious relationship means more is expected, and if you want to get married you better be ready to do just about anything he wants.
Try to put yourself into this reality, the reality of many (most?) young women in Western cultures*:
You want companionship, love, and eventually marriage. You like guys, but you do not have a huge sex drive, and you feel being sexual is questionable if not wrong. If you start to be sexual, you learn guys are usually done before you really get started. At best, they get theirs and you get nothing, at worst they get theirs and leave you horny. If it were up to you, you would avoid sex at least until you are engaged, or would start later and do less. However, you find most guys expect sex, and expect more as time goes on. You feel your choices are being alone and offering sex you do not really want. Being alone seems a worse fate, so you start to engage in sex. You don’t want to be doing anything, and you don’t get much pleasure out of what you do, so it does not matter much what you do or how often you do it. It all feels wrong on one level, so how can you say “no, I don’t like that” or “no, I think that is wrong”?
Gentlemen, can you grasp this? Can you understand the bad, no-good-choices situation many women experience when single? Can you see how they would say yes when they want to say no, and say yes to things they do not want to do? What they offer is not real; it is just them playing a part. This has two bad results: it creates men who want from their wives what their girlfriends did in sin, and it creates women who do not want or enjoy sex. When such a man and such a woman marry, it is a given they are going to have sexual problems.
If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins. If you have done this, you need to deal with it, seek her forgiveness, and promise to change.
* Yes, I know there are exceptions. There are young ladies who are all about sex, and there are those who never feel pressured enough to give in, but both of these are exceptions to the norm.