Why can’t she be the way my girlfriends were?

A comment on a poll I did recently read, “If only my wife treated me as well as my sinful high school girlfriends so many years ago”.

Teen Sex © Mdobiczek | Dreamstime.com

I suspect many men who did more than hold hands with someone before their bride have had similar thoughts. If you got more, or better, when you were single, it is understandable to think this way. What you need to realise is this is comparing apples to orange juice. I have mentioned this before in passing, but I think it is important so I am going to focus on it today.

What a woman does sexually before marriage has little or nothing to do with drive, desire, preferences, or enjoyment.

Even in most Christian circles, some level of sex is required to get repeat dates. In marginally Christian or non-Christian circles, the expectation is even greater. Going from dating to a serious relationship means more is expected, and if you want to get married you better be ready to do just about anything he wants.

Try to put yourself into this reality, the reality of many (most?) young women in Western cultures*:

You want companionship, love, and eventually marriage. You like guys, but you do not have a huge sex drive, and you feel being sexual is questionable if not wrong. If you start to be sexual, you learn guys are usually done before you really get started. At best, they get theirs and you get nothing, at worst they get theirs and leave you horny. If it were up to you, you would avoid sex at least until you are engaged, or would start later and do less. However, you find most guys expect sex, and expect more as time goes on. You feel your choices are being alone and offering sex you do not really want. Being alone seems a worse fate, so you start to engage in sex. You don’t want to be doing anything, and you don’t get much pleasure out of what you do, so it does not matter much what you do or how often you do it. It all feels wrong on one level, so how can you say “no, I don’t like that” or “no, I think that is wrong”?

Gentlemen, can you grasp this? Can you understand the bad, no-good-choices situation many women experience when single? Can you see how they would say yes when they want to say no, and say yes to things they do not want to do? What they offer is not real; it is just them playing a part. This has two bad results: it creates men who want from their wives what their girlfriends did in sin, and it creates women who do not want or enjoy sex. When such a man and such a woman marry, it is a given they are going to have sexual problems.

If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins. If you have done this, you need to deal with it, seek her forgiveness, and promise to change.

* Yes, I know there are exceptions. There are young ladies who are all about sex, and there are those who never feel pressured enough to give in, but both of these are exceptions to the norm. 

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33 Comments on “Why can’t she be the way my girlfriends were?

  1. Hello Paul, a message from the nethetlands.
    I like what you are doing for christian marriages. But I don’t understand why you ask your readers which breast size they prefer. If your are married love the breast of your wife and don’t ask which size you prefer.

    Blessings, Paul.

    • Martin – No argument with your statement – I probably should have explained.

      At least in the states, the perception is that all men prefer very large breasts. This is an issue of concern for many women. Some doubt their husband when he says he likes their less than massive breasts, and some have augmentation to feel better about themselves.

      My theory is that the “all men want them huge” thing is a cultural stereotype that is far from true. If this is the case, proving that might make some women feel better about themselves.

      With over 300 votes, it seems I am right. Half of all men chose C cup, which is smaller than the stereotype predicts. Almost 20% choose an even smaller size, while less than 10% said larger than D cup – the answer that the stereotype predicts.

  2. Regarding your poll on breast sizes, I may have preference for a given size but I’m more concerned about the woman that has them rather than how large or small they are.

  3. Good points here. Any thoughts about a wife who claims virginity before marriage, and after over 15 years of struggle over sex and physical intimacy, reveals a lot more sexual activity, some bordering on abuse before we got together. As a virgin husband, while the points in this post make sense, it doesn’t leave me any less frustrated.

    • Steve – I can certainly understand your frustration. She lied to you – and even if you can understand why she lied, it does not fix it.

      I think she has an obligation to work through these things. I would say that for any woman, but even more so for one who has lied about it before marriage. She should work towards being sexually healthy, and having a great sex life that both of you can enjoy.

      • I agree, Paul. My wife, though, is of the view that she needed to do these sexual things to get and keep a boyfriend, who she thought might be husband material. Instead, she found me, who believed that sexual activity is a beatiful thing, and should be reserved for marital intimacy. Now that she has me, these things aren’t entirely necessary, and her withholding information about her sexual past and her opposition to certain sexual activities was necessary, because, in her words, “If I knew the truth, I wouldn’t want to marry her.” Well, the truth came out, and she’s still hesitant to incorporating in our marriage bed activities that she engaged in with others before me. Frustrating that I’m burdened with the effects of her sin.

  4. Hi Paul

    Message from Australia :)

    This was an awesome article, one of your best. Really caused me to stop and think of things from the woman’s point of view in regards to the issues.

    On a par to your article a while ago, “the apology to non-Christians for the attitude/behavior of Christians.”

    Keep up the good work and may you and your wife be blessed and a blessing to others.

    Yours in HIS service

    keep up

  5. Paul,

    Even the survey title caused me anxiety. I agree with Martin. I appreciate your intentions, but I think the question is negative.

  6. Paul,

    Thank you for this article. It is right on the money for me. I felt if I wanted a guy to stick with me, I had to be sexual even though I knew it was wrong. I was tired of being alone and tired of guys leaving me because I had said no. Thank you for saying it all for me.

  7. “If only my wife treated me as well as my sinful high school girlfriends so many years ago”.

    Wow, just wow… You mean your high school girl friend with no responsibilities other than going to school and possibly a part time job, as compared to your wife who probably does the vast majority of meals, housework, child care and possibly a paying job as well? Perhaps you mean your wife who may be taking care of an infant needing to eat and be changed once or more during the night (that means less sleep for her, in case you can’t do the math)? Perhaps you mean, instead, your wife who is juggling several children and their needs, which may include such tasks as meals, laundry, homework, parent-teacher conferences, and possibly doing these things and more alone while you may have a job that takes you away on business trips. Yes, your wife ( and of course, all others) should be just as carefree and irresponsible as your childhood girlfriend and cater to your every sexual whim on a moment’s notice! You give new meaning to the word selfish, whoever you are! My only hope is that by reading Generous Husband, you may actually grow up and realize that a woman, and yes, even the one you married, is a real live person and deserves some consideration as such. The attitude exemplified by your statement is breathtakingly childish.

  8. I can agree if you are comparing your wife to other girlfriends you had in the past. If she made a choice to do things with you, based on her feelings, why should I be responsible for that? I know if I pushed her for sex I am responsible for that. My issue with your post is I am not responsible for the sins of her past, just mine.I know
    as loving husbands we should be patience with our wives.However, we also should expect her to be responsible got her past.I agree with most of your post,I have a hard time accepting husband should give up on our desires, especially ones she met before marriage.

    • JJ – I suppose the question is why she did them. Did she want to, or did she feel she had to? Maybe you never said that or intentionally did anything to pressure her, but she had probably already learned you either put out or get out.

      I agree that you are not responsible for her sins (see my next post) but neither do I think we have the right to demand our spouse continue to do something they once choose to do when it was sin.

      If a couple did things before marriage, and now she does not want to do them, that is difficult. In that it was sin, I don’t think it’s a good basis for compelling anything.On the other hand, if she lead the man to believe something that was not true ( she likes or will do whatever) that is a problem. She has achieved marriage with false advertising. On one level I can certainly understand telling her she made a promise by her actions, and she needs to honour that.

      However, there are problems with that. Does this mean we can never change our minds? Beyond that, pressing someone for a sex act they don’t want is not the way to get a good sex life. If you “win” and she does it you both lose because she will have even less interest in sex.

      In this situation I think we must ultimately look at reality, at the outcome of both options. Only one can lead to a good, healthy sex life, and that, to me, makes it the only sane choice.

  9. When I was 12 years old a boy in my class would sneak rubbing the back of his hand across my butt whenever he walked by. It scared me and I didn’t know what to do and my immature mind figured that he must like me or else he wouldn’t touch me. Needless to say, it was damaging. Fast forward nearly 20 years and I found myself cringing and wanting to cry every time hubby did the same thing. I could have easily said STOP, but I didn’t even tell him. Instead, I went to.the Lord and repented, talked out my hurt, deleted him from my Facebook friends list, and claimed in God’s name my husband’s right to lovingly touch me that way. I can now enjoy the touch. It was a hard road and that was only a small matter compared to other sex acts other women battle guilt with.

    I performed sex acts with my hubby before we married because I was afraid I’d lose him. I hoped having forms of sex (we waited til marriage for intercourse) would make me more attractive in his eyes, especially since I “competed” with Playboy models. Sex was rarely mutual until recently because I always had it with him to keep his mood up, keep him happy and keep him home. Thankfully, he has no inclination to have a physical affair.

    I don’t know what is sadder, though: women who feel they have to put out, or men who take advantage of that and are too selfish to protect her purity.

    I read once: a true gentleman respects a woman’s privacy, even when she doesn’t respect her own.

  10. In terms of the Breast size, I would have liked to be able to pick two. :)
    – Just saying

  11. I think your data might be skewed because the survey only allows you to pick one.

  12. On breast size, I prefer the body proportions to be similar on size, so the whole body fits together. Big breast on a small lady makes her look out of balance, likewise small breast on a larger frame lady. So its not just breast size but how her body fits together.

  13. “Even in most Christian circles, some level of sex is required to get repeat dates.”
    That breaks my heart. Have we really fallen so far, even in the church?

    • Andrew – I fear this is often the case. One lady who moved from public to private high school said that at the public school you were expected to put out on the second date, while at the Christian school you had till the third date. Technically better, but a very sad comment on where we are.

      And yes, there are exceptions, but I fear they are few.

      • That is… a shame upon our society, our gender, and our church. That we do such things…

        I have no words.

        Thank you very much for your excellent blog.

  14. Your statement that women(high school age or older) only gave into sexual temptation to either get or keep a boyfriend is an incredibly generalized blanket statement. I speak for myself and many women who gave in simply because we wanted the experience and to have sex. We aren’t or weren’t “all about sex”. Females have sexual desires just like males…. it’s quite offensive to put us in such a tiny box and marginalize us. While what you said of giving because of pressure is still true it’s not true for nearly all who you claim it to be. I never once felt pressured by any high school or latter boyfriends. So much so that even when I engaged in those things it was a mutual decision and one that those boyfriends of long ago genuinely asked if I wanted to do and if not we didn’t have to without worrying about if I “would keep my man” sort of speak.

  15. TheGenerousHusband so Christian God loving females don’t succumb to temptations simply out of desire? Or  Those who do aren’t truely Christians or good Christians? I enjoy your site and am not just trying to stir anything up I just found the blanket statement offensive and inaccurate.

  16. punkybrewster1988 TheGenerousHusband Probably more common then they want to admit, actually. It’s always easier to blame someone else.
    It was too wide a statement. I think I have gotten better on this (this post is two years old.)

  17. TheGenerousHusband ahh I missed he date on it. Thanks for the reply I just wanted to throw out other sides. And of course this comes from someone in quite a younger generation as I was in high school only 8years ago. It was and I think still is common place for even good Christian girls to be willingly involving in sexual acts bc of how over sexualized youth has become. I’m not proud of my past and it has caused me pain and trouble even years later, but like myself included many young women high school age and in their 20’s don’t just give in to appease boyfriends…. it’s just become very normalized and encouraged and embraced for females to embrace their sexual desires.

  18. punkybrewster1988 TheGenerousHusband I do see more of that today then when I was in high school – three decades ago. I do wonder how much is real sexual desires and how much is doing what society says is normal. Not even sure how one would separate the two.

  19. punkybrewster1988  I am of the same generation as you (though just a few years older) and have experienced the type of self-abuse regarding sex that thegeneroushusband has written about. I started having sex at a young age because it was what you were supposed to do when you “love” someone. Though I was never promiscuous, I freely gave sex to the boys I dated because I felt like it was an obligation. It was my duty to give him sex because I was his girlfriend and that was my purpose.
    I am the exact type of woman that he writes about. For years I never wanted or enjoyed sex in the least. I was never in the mood for it, but I did it anyways. I was never gifted with foreplay it just happened the second he felt like it should. I was never aroused, never fulfilled and lamented the fact that it was my destiny to be a sex object because that is the only purpose a woman serves in this world.
    The last several years have been a change for me, I have realized the importance of an emotional connection when it comes to sex. As and adult I can truly understand what love means and how important it is to sex. Though, because of the years I self-abused myself regarding sex I am incapable now of being the open, free, giving woman that my man wants me to be. To this day I have never initiated sex, never voiced what I like, or suggested anything new because I am so fearful of what will happen.
    I have never been a religious person which is partly why I started having sex at such a young age. I never really believed that waiting until marriage was the sensible thing to do because how will you know if you want a lifetime of sex with someone you have never been with. Any person will say “if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently.” I certainly would have done things differently. I feel as if I am punishing my man now because of what I did to myself when I was younger but I don’t know how to fix it.
    Considering my own lack of religion I find it ironic that I have found several religious sources that are helping me to overcome this obstacle but there is still much work to be done if I am to heal. I know you were just pointing out that you cant generalize people in such a way but when I read this article it struck a chord with me because it described my life to a T and I wanted to say that while it is true that this doesn’t apply to everyone, it applies to someone and incredibly accurately too.

  20. ErikkaKartak punkybrewster1988 I’m sorry for all you have dealt with. And thanks for putting a face on what I said.
    I find it sad “the world” is not addressing this very real issue. I guess it does not fit with the accepted message. Glad you are finding some help.

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