Who’s to blame?

Julie, over at Intimacy in Marriage, posted a story many men are going to cheer about – Could This Wife’s Story Be Yours? The short version is the wife refused her husband often for 21 years, until he had an affair. This wakeup call caused the woman to get help, and she is doing better sexually, but she says it may be too late to fix their marriage. She never says “it’s all my fault” but she clearly accepts that her actions were wrong, unfair to her husband, and left him vulnerable to sin.

It's not your fault © Marek Uliasz | Dreamstime.com

Now I know this is the kind of thing you want someone to send to your wife. Like the fellow who added, “If my wife and I had a sex life, I probably wouldn’t be looking at porn” on a recent survey, we want to think it’s her fault. We would be fine if our wives just gave us enough, or gave us what we want. This woman has become wise and every young wife should have to read her story – right?

I certainly agree this kind of thing needs to be shared, and I know what our spouse does or does not do sexually can have a huge effect what we do, what we think, and how tempted we are to sin. All of that is valid. What is also valid is the fact what we do and do not do has a huge impact on our wives. This is true in all areas, and is especially true about sex. What you do can tempt your wife to react in ways she knows she should not. Just as she needs to own and deal with things she does that cause you problems, you need to own and deal with things that cause her problems.

If you are really brave, ask your bride what you do and do not do that puts her in a bad place!

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5 Comments on “Who’s to blame?

  1. I don’t think the commentor from the survey is actually blaming his wife for porn use. I think he knows it’s still on him. I think he meant that he wouldn’t be tempted at all or nearly as much if his wife made sex a priority.

  2. Regardless of the influence that our wives have on us, it is still ultimately our responsibility to choose righteously. I will answer to the Lord alone for my behavior.

    • Mark – I don’t disagree that you have a responsibility to choose, and that we each answer to God for what we do.

      But Jesus seemed to think we can cause others to sin:

      “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin,it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.” [Mark 9:42 ESV]

      There is some room for argument about what was meant there. The Greek means to place a stumbling block. That could mean entice to sin, or cause to doubt. Regardless, Jesus is clear that the one who does that will pay a price for doing ti!

  3. I decided to post on this site rather than the original story link to give a woman’s viewpoint. I’ve known my husband for over 25 yrs. In fact he led me to the Lord. However, we have only been married 13 yrs.

    Why? I was divorced with 2 children and the step-parent role was one my current husband could not envision for himself; even knowing Christ much longer than I.

    No one comes to their marriage partner without some baggage that may manifest itself in the expression of sexual trial. Both men and women need to grasp this mentally, physically, and spiritually.

    While my story is different, it has reaffirmed my resolve to protect my husband as his helpmate.

    For most of our married life, both of our health has been a challenge. And as so many other 50 somethings, we have had to come alongside 80+ parents in their decline, and burying 3 parents in the past 1 1/2 yrs., while also trying to support my grown children, extended family, friends, and maintain a vital relationship in Christ.

    Are you tired yet from reading all this? Yes, I know women are “wordy” ;-), but while we take responsibility for our choices, blame should not be the core or final stop. Rather forgiveness and release, and transformation through Christ extended to others and ourselves will be a healing balm.

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