How you ask (begging is a bad plan)
Last week in Keep asking and you might get lucky? I talked about the ineffective strategy of asking for sex every chance you get. I suggested figuring out when she would tend to be open, and when she was too tired or overwhelmed to care, could help you. In short – improve your batting average by not swinging at every wild ball that goes by.
So, how should you ask when you ask? As with many things, it will depend on her personality, your personality, and the current situation. Some women will respond well to joking, others will take offence. Some are turned on by certain slang terms, while others want nothing to do with their hubby when he uses such words. This is more study, more trial and error, and being sure to keep mental notes on how she responds to various approaches.
A few methods are bad for almost all women:
- Begging: It’s not sexy; it’s pathetic. You might get sympathy sex, but sympathy sex is not what you want or need, and it tends to put her even more off sex.
- Dealing: Offering her something in exchange for sex is very close to prostitution, which is a good way to offend her a great deal. Things are even worse if it works, because then you will be expected to “pay” every time, and she will be setting the price!
- Veiled, or not so veiled, threats: Hinting you might be tempted to look at porn, or commit adultery, or drive into a tree, are not a good way to get sex. Even joking about any of these is a very bad plan. Threatening (even by past example) to be as grumpy as humanly possible if she says no is also a bad plan.
- If you loved me: Yes, love should motivate her to take care of you sexually. Love should also motivate you to do many things for her – are you doing all of those, and doing them well? This one is not really wrong, but it is a no win plan.
- Smacking her upside of her head with a Bible: As in, “The Bible says you can’t say no!” Again, not factually wrong, but you are not in the place to be telling her this fact. Besides, as many men can tell you, it does not work.
Things that do tend to improve the odds with most women:
- Empathy: Understand sex is far more effort for her than it is for you, and find ways to tell her you know this fact. (No, this is not true for all women, but those for whom it is not true are usually saying yes nine times out of six.)
- Be sure she is full up: She is going to be more interested in and better able to have sex with you if you have been taking care of her most important needs. This is not tit for tat, but rather giving her what makes it easy for her to give to you. This is also leading by example.
- Give her advanced notice: Even a couple of hours will help; she can get her mind into it, which can help a great deal.
- Give her options: Yes or no, right now, is a bad choice. Asking her when today she can have sex is far better. Giving her some options of what to do is also a good thing.
- Be willing to accept something just for you: I don’t mean mercy sex, I mean sex where you climax and she does not. Some women do not want to climax every time, or do not feel the need to climax very often. If this is the case, she may be happy to have sex “just for you”. It might be intercourse, or it might be something else. If you have never had this discussion with her, do so. Be clear you are all about her pleasure when she wants it – including if she changes her mind halfway through – but you wonder if a solution to your “higher drive” might not be her sometimes doing something just for you.
Bottom line: Try thinking about how you want to be asked for things, especially things that are sometimes difficult for you to do. Apply to how you ask for sex.
Well this is awkward… Should a post with a London underground “NO BEGGING” sign include a link to our donation page?
Image Credit: © Annie Mole | flickr.com