A woman’s view on women and sex

When I started my “Better Sex in 2012” series a year ago, I asked several lady bloggers if they would help with some guest posts. Kate, of One Flesh Marriage, was on the ball, sending me two posts early in January. Unfortunately, I was not as on the ball, and the posts got buried. I came across them this week as I was doing my year-end mail and file purge. So here are some great thoughts from Kate on a couple of topics I suggested:

Reluctant wife © Ambro | freedigitalphotos.net

If her relationship is suffering, she won’t want or enjoy sex. Her body might, but she won’t.

For women, how we feel about our relationship with our husband, greatly effects whether or not we enjoy the sensations leading up to and during sex. For many husbands, this is not news, but why we are this way, remains a mystery.  When we feel connected and close to our husband, we have the potential to feel sex all over, mind, body and spirit. When we feel distance in our relationship, we can still experience sex, and there is a physical response, but it is just not the same. Many women will struggle to experience sex even on the physical level when their relationship with the husband is strained. 

God designed husband and wife to be one flesh. Sex and intimacy is so much more than simply a physical connection. Even though physical is vital (a need in my book, not simply a want) and needs great attention, it is not the only intimacy that needs nurturing. We all know that physical connections can happen without building intimacy on other levels, but there are consequences, one of which is that the intensity of connection will suffer. The four areas of intimacy that we like to point people to are, Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual and Physical. These are four areas we have identified as contributing the one flesh connection. 

Spiritual Intimacy – Sharing your faith together. This could be through worship, bible study, prayer, etc. Having time where the two of you explore all that God has in store for his children as well as looking at God’s plan for marriage through His Word. 

Emotional Intimacy – Sharing of your thoughts, dreams, fears, struggles, joys, victories-all of the things you are going through. Having openness and connection through those things allows you as one flesh to experience what your spouse is going through. When we neglect this kind of sharing and understanding, we feel misunderstood and forgotten. 

Intellectual Intimacy – Spending time sharing with your spouse what they most enjoy learning in life. We all have the things that we truly enjoy learning about or doing. In some way finding time to share that with your spouse will bring you closer in understanding and sharing their passion, even if it is not a passion of yours. It is saying to them, that you value what they value, which is another piece to being one flesh.

Physical Intimacy – This is the most obvious of the types of intimacy and there is much to be learned where the physical techniques and what feels good is concerned. Yet without nurturing the other three, it can become a purely physical sex. 

When you take the time to nurture these different areas of intimacy, you are encouraging a oneness that is not based on physical connection alone. Then when the time comes to share physical intimacy together, your wife will feel better about the overall relationship. She can look back and see how you have done things that interest her, that connect with her emotionally and that share your faith together. 

Will working on these other areas of intimacy fix all your sex issues-no! That would be nice though, wouldn’t it? I do believe however that it will encourage a close oneness that will help your overall relationship and therefore affect your sex life as well. Keep loving and serving you wife, putting her needs first and you will find God blessing your obedience. .

Help men understand how and why things like doing the dishes, playing with the kids, and paying the bills on time make sex better for a woman.

Women are multitaskers, we often have a to do list running through our head that includes, but in no way is limited to: a grocery list, a list of social events, a list kids activities, things needed to be done around the house (dinner, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, etc), a list of phone calls and emails to return and many other things that sift through our thoughts every day. When it comes time to spend alone time with our hubby we snuggle up and make time for sex but those lists are still filtering, dashing, scurrying, scampering through our heads, at an alarming rate. Shutting off the list and thoughts of what needs to get done is, well . . . crazy hard. Some might say near impossible. For me, the longer and more extensive the list, the harder it is to let go and get in the “mood.” Sadly I believe for many, as the list gets longer, the idea of and motivation for sex moves further and further down on the list. 

When my hubby comes home from his long day of work, I know that many times he would really like to sit and relax. For many years we did just that. He would be tired from work and veg out, usually in front of the TV or computer. I would continue on with my lists and eventually fall into bed with no interest in anything but sleep. Somewhere over the years, God opened our eyes to the fact that if we served one another first and thought about ourselves second, we both felt the love and help of the other. My hubby started coming home and asking what he could do to help get things crossed of my list so that I could relax after the kids went to bed. Sometimes I would let him do what I was doing and I would go and play with the kids. Other times when he asked, I would ask him to keep the kids occupied for a bit while I finished up. When my hubby took the time to put my needs first instead of just relaxing, he found that I was much more energetic and ready to spend time making sex a priority after the kids were in bed. 

As we all know it is a two way street, as I began to make sex a priority there were times I had to tell myself that certain things on my list could and would have to wait. I was putting my hubby’s and our marriage’s needs above that of my own desire to get all the things checked off of my list.   

Wives, I believe God has designed us with the amazing ability to keep many things running in our brains at one time. Husbands, you helping to check a few things off the list, or to take the kids so your wife can get some things done uninterrupted, is an immense help and frees our minds up to think sex! Not only does it allow us to think about sex and time alone with our husband, it also encourages better sex. How you might ask? When we are not feeling stressed and bogged down by the entire list running through our heads – our mind, emotions, and body have a better chance to respond to the pleasures sex brings. For many women “getting in the mood” means shutting off all that is going on in our brain. If you help to shut some of that off for her then she can get into the mood and enjoy the experience. The best way to see if this is true is to give it a try. Not just once, but often! See if helping your wife to get things done or off her list, encourages intimacy together. Pray as you are helping, that you would have eyes to see and ears to hear what your wife needs. You will be helping your wife to potentially enjoy time alone with you so much more! 

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8 Comments on “A woman’s view on women and sex

  1. This is a very difficult concept for a male to keep in the forefront since we don’t usually experience a lack of arousal just because there is a lot going on in our life. In actuality, I would say a lot of men at those times look to sex for stress relief, and I don’t mean masturbation. If they can’t get their wife interested they may indeed masturbate, but it would not be the act of choice. Personally, I would want the feeling of connection that comes from sex, not just release, even when done for stress relief. One catch in all this though is she may need more anticipation than that little bit of time between “Honey, I’m home,” and “Ready for bed?”

    Even with as much as we are beginning to know about desire and arousal, it is all very much still on the steep side of the learing curve. Husbands and wives NEED to talk about it. At some point though, the low-desire partner may begin to feel attacked, inadequate, or just plain bored with discussing the topic. If a couple stays alert during their talks, they will begin to realize that the more they know, the less they know and that desire is dynamic, not static. It will never be, “Okay. I’ve got it now.” Desires, wants and needs will naturally change with time. Yesterday’s favorites may become less effective while new ones may emerge. Our bodies and emotional make-up are constantly changing. We have to pay attention to those changes and communicate their effect on our shared sex life. Keeping secrets about our sexuality keeps us from having a fulfilled relationship. We do have to temper our desires with reason so we do no harm, but unreasoned denial of desires leads to frustration and marital dissatisfaction. You can’t blame your spouse for something they don’t know. Neither party is a mind reader. If something is missing from your intimate relationship, it is up to you to work up the courage to communicate it. You might be pleasantly surprised by how your partner responds and by what you hear in from them in return.

    • Dave2 – You are right, men and women tend to be very much the opposite on much of this. If both know how the other thinks and functions, they can better work out something that meets both of their needs.

  2. I actually found this post very discouraging. She says:
    “Help men understand how and why things like doing the dishes, playing with the kids, and paying the bills on time make sex better for a woman.”
    The problem is that I DID understand this and I HAVE done a lot of this. There just hasn’t been very much in return. More time trying just makes it more clear that whatever time or effort I make in this regard gets swallowed up in the endless black hole of what she just HAS to do. Never mind that a whole bunch of that is optional church or school stuff. Of course a lot of this is that she cannot say no to anyone else. Pretty sad that over the course of our marriage this means she has only seldom said yes to me even when I am initiating. Of course her initiating happened only rarely. And, finally, why is this? She has only vague and uncertain answers. Clearly if she has acted this way while we were dating I never never would have married her. But she was the complete opposite.

    • Andrew – Sadly you are not alone. What Sheila said will help a man married to a woman who is emotionally and sexually healthy. It can’t hurt if a woman is not emotionally and sexually healthy, but it’s not going to be enough.

      • Did you mean to say Kate instead of Sheila? Can’t begin to confuse those two bloggers, huh? Very different styles.

      • Any thoughts about what would be enough? I thought your busyness emails last summer would have had some effect. They did raise some discussions, but no significant effect in actual practice.

        • Andrew Jardine – Ultimately she will have to deal with whatever issue or issues are keeping her from sex. The issues may or may not include things that are actually about sex. She might be way to busy because she feels bad saying no to people, which would likely be rooted in guilt and/or a lack of self-worth. Or, she might feel sex is dirty, or maybe she would be okay with it if she did not enjoy it “too much” but she started to enjoy it more than she should and felt bad so she backed off. It could also be a problem with intimacy in general, rather than just sex.

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