Does Your Life Have Room for More Sex?

Two weeks ago, I discussed the fact having a lot of sex (daily or more) could add years to your life. I know a lot of you thought, “That’s nice, but my wife will never go for it.” While this is no doubt true for some, I suspect the bigger issue is many have built lives lacking enough time for more sex.

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If by “sex” we mean a quickie where you climax and she feels used, then sure, most of us could do more. But what if you want more quality sex? What if your goal is sex you and your wife can both enjoyed? Most women need a minimum of half an hour for good sex. That means it takes at least half an hour for the kind of sex that benefits her and makes her want more of the same. What’s more, half an hour is just what it takes in the bedroom. For a woman to want and enjoy sex she needs to feel connected with her man. She also needs time to relax and unwind before sex, and the busier her days, the more time she needs to relax. Many (most?) women are far too busy and stressed to have or enjoy more sex, no matter how much they may want or need it.

The fact is many couples lives don’t leave the time and room necessary for more sex. Many have a declining sex life because they don’t have the time and room to sustain what they currently have. If your life does not have time and room for more sex, you’re never going to have more sex. I’m not promising making time and room will mean more sex, but not making time and room guaranties you’ll have no more, and probably means less and less going forward. If you want any hope of more or better sex, you must make space for it in your life. If you are not making space, it means you don’t really want more. You must be willing to do what it takes to have more.

Are you thinking it doesn’t matter because your wife hates sex? Most men who think this are wrong. Yes, there are sexually wounded women, but a fair number either want or would be open to more sex if their marriage had time and room. Surveys suggest in 20% of marriages both the husband and the wife would like to have more sex. Add the women who would start to want more, or be willing to have more, if their marriage changed, and we see lack of time and room are major causes of low sex marriages.

So what do you need to do to make time and room for a healthy marriage and sex life? I touched on this with my The problem of “my time” post, and will share some additional thoughts in the next few days.

A note to wives: If your husband is the one saying no to sex, lack of room and time may well be an issue. Men are generally less affected by this, but are not immune to it.

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10 Comments on “Does Your Life Have Room for More Sex?

  1. Very soon my wife and I and our three teen kids will be moving into a new house. We recently made a “policy decision” with which the kids agree. We will not be having a TV.

    (Some people might be picking themselves up off of the floor right about now.)

    I’m not saying this is inherently a more spiritual way to live than having a TV. This is simply our preference.

    After reading your excellent post today, I can think of another GREAT reason I’m glad we made the decision we made!!

  2. For a period of two weeks, we had no television. I think you will come to appreciate the decision as time passes. Yes, there will be times when you will sorely miss it. During times of natural disaster or political and social distress, we all like to stay as informed as possible and sometimes radio does not fill the bill. On the whole though, the quality of relationships will benefit, and almost anything you want to see on PBS can be viewed online at a time of your convenient choosing.

    • We have not had broadcast TV for over seven years. I miss very little of it, and find I can get what I want on my schedule without much work or cost.

      I’d like to think I am now mature enough that I could have it and not over use it, but I doubt that is the case. I am far to easily sucked in.

      • “I’d like to think I am now mature enough that I could have it and not over use it, but I doubt that is the case. I am far to easily sucked in.”

        That is indeed the case for me. I am an education and information junkie. Not so much a current events/news/celebrity junkie, as much as a Discovery Channel, PBS, History Channel type of viewer. I like the mental stimulation, although I am not beyond being anesthetized/entertained by lesser offerings.

        Blogs have actually become more of a problem for me as of late. If I made at least part of my living from having a blog with sponsorship of some sort, it might be more palatable to my wife and less guilt inducing for me. Like many of us, who are at least willing to admit to it anyway, I a) like the sound of my own voice, b) need to feel listened to, c) want to feel like I am helping others (I then feel needed and respected), and d) feel connected to others since I do not make “real” friends easily and the “virtual relationships” are more readily developed. It’s a great place for an introvert to speak up and not be interupted or overrun by the more socially agressive and adept. It is becoming a bit of a problem though so I am going to have to find some balance. I suspect I am manifesting a natural progression within a little studied process for someone like me when they first discover the “virtual sociability” charm of blogs. We binge potentially harming ourselves and our “real” relationships. For some, it can be merely a period of adjustjment I would believe, but for others, like perhaps myself, it can become an addictive behavior feeding a deep unsatisfied need. I know I am blogging now because my wife isn’t here. She doesn’t disapprove of it, but feels it interfers with time and communication I could be investing in our relationship. So, I can see the potential of an addictive behavior here. If she asks, did you blog today and I lie, that is a sign of addiction even if I feel I am not telling her to spare her disappointment. It doesn’t matter that she wasn’t here to spend time with. For her, and yes me, the point is I invested in someone else while still not investing in her. It is going to be difficult dealing with this.

        I think you should somehow address this issue in a post as I am sure it is affecting more relationships than we might think. I believe, in its extreme, it is an could qualify as and emotional affair as is traditionally defined and should be regarded and as such.

        It actually sounds like a very much needed CMBA topic with participation across many of the existing blogs. Since most of them seem to deal with relationship issues in one way or another, it seems like being made aware of a “first do no harm” approach could benefit manhy seeking answers. It so easy to become absorbed in the research at the expense of implementing the healing process. Sorry to have gone so far off topic. I guess God is speaking to me and through me at the same time. Thanks for listening.

        • Userdand – I understand exactly what you mean. I have to be careful not to use what I do here and elsewhere as an excuse to read blogs and articles 24/7.

          I’ve touched on how our virtual lives can ruin your real lives in the past, but I certainly need to do more.


  3. The thought of more sex sounds wonderful….unfortunately the way todays society is structured is not to encourage the family unit and everyone is preoccupied with stress of work, paying the bills, kids, both partners having to work full time to make ends meet is there any wonder that more quality sex gets put on the back burner ?

  4. Paul, I agree with you completely on this. Many, maybe most, families are just too busy. If the husband and wife don’t manage the family’s schedule so that they have time for each other, that time won’t happen.

  5. Great points Paul, if sex is to the soul of a marriage as important as food is to the body – then it should definitely be managed (or micromanaged even) into the weekly (or daily) plans!

  6. Pingback: Strategy #12 – Build Sexual Confidence – Action – CalmHealthySexy New Year | Calm.Healthy.Sexy.

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