How about making Valentine’s all about her?

How about making Valentine’s all about her, with nothing for you in the deal?

If you are thinking, “You just defined Valentines as it already is” then maybe you should stop fighting it and go for it. Will she notice? Will she care? Maybe, maybe not. Could you feel better about yourself? Very likely.

Massage Image Credit: © PeJo29 |

So what does making it all about her look like? I have no idea, she’s not my wife! You probably have a good idea, and if you don’t you can narrow it down by asking, “Which would you rather have” questions. Alternatively, just ask her to tell you her idea of a perfect Valentine’s, and if you think she gives an honest answer, work to give her that (within reason and budget).

What about sex? Glad you asked. Tell her, at least a day before, you don’t expect sex. Tell her to just relax and enjoy the day without any pressure of sex. If she likes sex, she might ask you, and then you would have to do it, since it is all about her. If you think she is making a guilt induced offer of pity sex, say “that’s not necessary” at least once. If she presses it, take her at her word.

Up for a huge sacrifice? Give her a full body massage – and remind her this is all about her, and you are not expecting sex. Tell her to relax, enjoy, and pay no attention to the little man behind the curtain.

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17 Comments on “How about making Valentine’s all about her?

  1. Great advice Paul! What wife wouldn’t want a day that’s all about her? (And then we get another “all about me” day in May.) Women are so lucky!

  2. Good ideas. I do enjoy sex, but a full body massage with out it being about sex, wow… that would be wonderful, because then we would really get to relax. Love it!

  3. Paul, I know you are writing for men, but you have just inspired me to ask my husband what his idea of a perfect Valentine’s Day would be.

  4. I find that considering the exclusion of sex as something “just for her” a little disconcerting. As if sex is only for the husband and something the wife is burdened to satisfy him only with. I mean, how would it sound to the wife if on the flip side, it was considered “just for him” to make love to him without making him feel like he has to actually talk or engage in any way emotionally before or after sex, and this was considered “letting him relax.” For her to be relieved by you saying she doesn’t *have* to have sex with you today sounds to me like I imagine it would to her to see me relieved by saying I don’t *have* to talk to her today. I think men should desire to engage emotionally with their wife naturally, valentines or not, without considering it a task. And I think the wife should likewise desire to make love to her husband without thinking of valentines as a “day off.”

    • Gary,
      I couldn’t agree with you more, but I think Paul is speaking to men who are in marriages where sex is a source of strife. For a wife who feels that her husband is always “nagging her for sex” it might speak love to that wife to say, “I want to show you my love in a sacrificial, non-sexual way” Perhaps part of the problem is that she never feels that she receives non-sexual touch from her husband. Knowing that my husband wants to serve me without expectation of anything in return would definitely make me want to show my love back to him, but the wife who isn’t in that frame of mind needs to be loved in a tender, caring, non-threatening way.
      In a sexually healthy marriage, sex shouldn’t be about him or about her.. it should be about nurturing oneness. Sadly, many marriages aren’t there, and so one of the spouses needs to lay aside his/her desires and be willing to show unconditional love.

    • Gary – I think my record speaks for me – I am all about sex being for both of you. The sad reality is that for some women, and a growing number of men, this is not the case. I have suggested a person in that situation could choose to make it all about their spouse.

      As for the reverse, see my bride’s post for Thursday, up in a few hours from now:

      You might be interested in my recent Can we at least have sex on Valentine’s Day? post my quest post on Hot, Holy and Humorous You Would If You Loved Me!

  5. @Workinprogress- I agree with everything you said. I’m all for non-sexual demonstrations of affection without expecting it to always result in sex. I actually think it is beneficial to intimacy overall to learn to caress, kiss passionately, etc. as means to show affection in themselves, not only as precursors to sex. My only contention is with the description of sex as a “pressure” on the wife. I know Paul was referring to low drive wives, I just think it would be better for the low drive spouse to try to cultivate an attitude of genuine willingness and not duty. I’m glad I haven’t experienced it yet but I think sex with a spouse who doesn’t genuinely desire you that way would be the most emotionally depleting and hollow experience, worse than no sex at all really.

    • Definitely Gary! I’m thinking Paul is coming from the thought that V-Day isn’t the day to try to address sex problems in your marriage… it’s about blessing your spouse in a way that shows love. For a wife who is struggling with sex, expecting or demanding sex isn’t showing love. There are plenty more days left in the year to address the problems that need addressing.

  6. I must confess, the clip-art is kinda hot!

    I used to give my wife long massages (like an hour or so), with oil or cocobutter… sometimes it turned her on but mostly I remember it relaxing her to the point of ‘sleep’.

    Guys, if you’re having trouble keeping the little man under control while massaging your naked wife, like I did, put a TV in the bedroom. Keep the volume low. It may be silly advice, but it worked for me. The boob tube was just enough distraction to keep my mind off my sexual urges.

    Paul, it was still about her….


  7. Paul- I am aware of your record, I have been following your blog for a good while now and have already read the other posts you referred to, so I know your view concerning sex in marriage. I also completely agree with this post as well. I think the husband should consistently demonstrate his affection in a way that speaks love to his wife, even if he’s not particularly benefiting from it (though I’d say to make her feel loved would be considered a benefit to and by the husband that truly loves his wife). I know that’s what you were essentially conveying in this post, so my contention isn’t really with what you said but rather with the negative outlook on sex some people have that make them treat it as a pressure.

    It just seems directly sexual interaction is being singled out (no, not by you Paul) as a means of taking advantage of your spouse by one with a higher drive. So many fail to consider how, by the same logic, a spouse with a lower drive could be accused of using their high drive spouse for non-sexual emotional gratification. Sexual intimacy is very emotionally based for many people (espescially men), so both essentially desire the same thing, but just because the low drive spouse’s is non-sexual, they see it as superior in emotional and general value.

    I wont bother elaboarating any further because, again, I completely agree the husband should show his love in a way that speaks love to his wife regardless, and I recognize that some wives have many legitimate reasons for their negative outlook on sex. I am just additionally aware that many people enter marriage with this negative perspective, or simply depreciate the value of that kind of intimacy. It’s unfair to their spouse to treat their emotional needs as a “pressure” on them rather than something they genuinely desire to fulfill, so that even when they do it is out of emotionally empty obligation. That attitude can be rather emotionally destructive to the high drive spouse (husband or wife) in the same way that neglecting the non-sexual needs of the low drive spouse can be. Ultimately, I just think it’s an absolutely terrible attitude to have when it is not genuinely warranted.

    • Gary – It is distressing that sex gets treated differently than most other things. If it were treated better, being seen as very important, I would not complain, but it get’s treated worse, because so many see it as unimportant.

  8. Paul- Exactly. I really do think this valentines is a great opportunity to bless your wife with a day all about her. I am actually the romantic type; I love buying flowers, writing love letters, going out to dinner, plenty of non-sexual (but still passionate) touching/kissing, massaging, all of that. I think women’s way of romancing is great too and rather enjoy it in itself and (needless to say) in combination with sexual romance. So I’m not even remotely burdened by the idea of romancing them that way. It’s only the negative or even indifferent attitude towards sex that really gets to me emotionally. And when I say emotionally I mean that in the manliest way possible :p

  9. @The Generous Husband
    What is your wife’s blog called? I am enjoy reading your blog. It’s very eye opening to read things from a man’s perspective, ie; mens relationship blogs are way more “to the point” and far less wordy, descriptive or emotional. It helps me better understand how to comminicate with my man. :)

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