Wanting What Doesn’t Work for Her
Last week in Finding a Sex Life You Both Enjoy I discussed why I think arguing about what sex acts are required as part of “due benevolence” misses what God intends for sex. I then said, “The Biblical way is to focus on giving your wife what she wants, and trust God will move on her to do the same for you.”
That didn’t sit well with some, as seen in both the comments and private emails. One argument is not doing certain things is withholding. It sounds good, it sounds right; and it makes her wrong and you right. You’re ready to give her anything while she’s only giving you bits and pieces. Right? I get it; been there, fussed a lot and hurt even more.
I don’t think the above is how it really is. Can I prove that? I’ll give it my best shot. Proving this is difficult because of a fundamental difference in how men and women see and feel about sex, so let’s look at those first.
Some of the differences are cultural/learned, but many are based on differences in sex organs and how our brains are wired. Any sex act providing a bit of friction to the head of the penis can result in male orgasm, usually easily and quickly. It’s true any sex act giving the clitoris good stimulation can result in orgasm, but a great many of the most common sex acts don’t give the clitoris good stimulation. Additionally, female orgasm takes longer than male orgasm. Even in solo masturbation, men can get there faster than women can. (While the fastest men and women can masturbate to orgasm varies only by a couple of minutes, the woman take several times as long.) Likewise, with most sexual contact, it will take her five or ten times as long to reach climax. This is biology, not something she chooses.
So here’s the deal, much of what you want her to do sexually is not going to get her to orgasm, or at least not unless it goes on for a very, very long time. In fact, much of it isn’t even going to do much to get her aroused.
Let me try to explain by suggesting some kinds of sex that would be better for her than for you.
- Imagine her idea of sex was for you to get on all fours so she could rub her vulva against your rear until she climaxed. This would be excellent stimulation for her, but while it might excite you the first few times, there’s no way you would climax from it. So you complain it’s not working for you, and her response is if you need to help yourself out by touching your penis with your hands, it’s okay with her. You tell her no, that does not fix it, and you stop having sex in this way. She says you are withholding from her.
- What if she could orgasm from breast stimulation (some women can) and she wanted most sex to be nothing other than touching each other’s breasts? She wonders aloud why you don’t climax this way, and suggests you have a problem and need to see a doctor.
- Perhaps she wants to have sex fully clothed. She has no problem reaching orgasm through a pair of jeans, but it’s more difficult for you. She keeps going long after she is done “because she loves you” but it’s clear she is put out by having to do it.
- Maybe her idea of fantastic sex is to spend several hours, having dozens (or more) orgasms and then being so sated she has no desire for a week. She feels cheated you won’t have many orgasms with her, choosing instead to spread them out one at a time every day or so. She accuses you of being sexually repressed.
- What if she felt sex must include so many scented candles you could barely breathe, or a strobe light that made you want to throw up? She tells you it can’t be as bad as you claim, and asks for those things every other time you have sex.
- How about this – she thinks seeing you in pink spandex from head to toe is a huge turn on. When you complain about how it makes you feel she acts hurt and mumbles about how your pride is more important to you than she is.
- How would you feel if your wife “generously” offered to take care of you by hand after having any of the “real sex” above?
Yes, I know my examples are a bit contrived, but I can assure you most women will completely identify with the “what’s wrong with you” sentiments following each one. If most of what you heard from her about sex was a mixture of the above, might it cause you to be less interested in sex? It would certainly make you frustrated about sex! If the activities above were portrayed by media as right and normal, as the proper way to have sex, how might you start to feel about your sexuality?
If you want to make this go away, you can argue all the reasons my examples are silly and not the same thing as what you want. Alternatively, you could really think about it and try to understand how your wife feels. If you do the latter, you’ll be on your way to building a sex life both of you can enjoy (probably starting with a heart-felt apology for what you have unknowingly been doing to her over sex).
Tomorrow: A testimony and a great start on getting the sex life God intended you to have.
BTW, for those of you who complain my bride never tells the women to suck it up and have more sex, please see I Don’t Feel Like Having Sex.