The Big Why
In Why Why is Important I touched on something I’d like to examine a bit more.
I gave this why chain example:
Wife refuses sex most of the time.
- Why? She has no interest in sex because she feels disconnected from her husband.
- Why? He has stopped trying to go on dates or make time to talk or be together non-sexually.
- Why? When he did try, she said no the vast majority of the time.
- Why? She is always busy.
- Why? She is doing too much.
The big question here is why the wife is doing too much. Truth be told, this is one of the most important questions in many marriages, and it needs to be asked for both spouses and the two as a couple.
Why are you so busy? Wait! Don’t start thinking about all the things you do – that is not why you are busy. The things you do are what makes you busy, but they are not why you’re busy. The reason you’re busy is you choose to be busy.
Yes, you choose it. You could choose to be less busy, but you chose to be busy – and your wife is doing the same thing. So why do we choose to be busy? Habit and peer-pressure are big factors, but for most of us, part of why we choose to be busy is we have bought into the lie being busy makes us important. Many of us have our worth and value tied up in how busy we are, which is why we stay busy even though we know it limits and hurts us in multiple ways.
I know someone’s going to argue they’re busy earning a living, and if they were less busy they’d be living under a bridge. While that may be true for a very few, it is not true for most. What is true is if you put less time into making a living you would have to learn to get by on less money. That would mean making changes such as fewer toys, simpler food, less fancy vacations, not eating out as much, buying used rather than new, living in a smaller house, driving a car longer, and so on. It’ fine if you don’t want to give those things, but it is a choice. It means you’re choosing your things, and the busyness having those things requires. I’m not going to tell you it’s a bad choice, but I do want you to understand it is a choice!