More on Male Sexuality

My Saturday post, Celebrating the male sex drive, resulted in the expected emails from men struggling with a wife who believes lies about male sexuality. I also got emails from bloggers and a couple of folks working with couples dealing with this problem.

Email © nokhoog_buchachon | freedigitalphotos.net

One email stood out for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it was written after my post, but before my post was on-line; so it was not in response to my post, but it fits perfectly. Secondly, it expresses the most extreme case of this I have ever heard. The wife has indicated God wants her to limit the amount of sex because the man cares too much about sex, and denying him sex will help him develop a deeper relationship with God. In other words, this woman claims it is God’s will for her to say no to her husband for as long as a couple of months at a time.

As far as I can tell the women is serious about her faith, and wants to do what is right before God (and the husband strikes me the same way). Yet, this woman is convinced God is asking her to do something in direct contradiction with the Bible! Does this show you how pervasive the lies about male sexuality are in the church?

Two thousand years ago Paul addressed this very thinking in 1 Cor 7. The roots of the situation were a bit different, but not much. There were those known as Gnostics who thought the body was inherently evil, while the spirit was inherently good. They taught the way to know God better was to abstain from pleasures of the flesh – with sex being near the top of the list. The Gnostics said even married couples should abstain from sex for the sake of their walk with the Lord.

This is what we are up against; the lies run deep and they’ve been in place a very long time. This is why I’m asking begging for help! It’s going to take a massive effort to put the truth in front of enough people, enough times, to make a significant difference. On the other hand, sharing the truth once with someone could result in a change for that person and her current or future spouse. This is especially true for those not yet married – including teens. Teach sex in marriage is an incredible thing to be enjoyed for a couple’s entire life. Make sure every bride expects her husband to want her 24/7. If you’re a married woman who has a good sex life, find ways to let other women know you like sex and like that your husband wants you. If you hear women expressing lies about male sexuality, lovingly challenge those lies with truth.

Bottom line: Be an unapologetic sex positive Christian!

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10 Comments on “More on Male Sexuality

  1. bbh9992 hours agofrom livefyrehttp://www.the-generous-husband.com/2013/05/20/more-on-male-sexuality/#lf_comment=74981488
    Great post, Paul. I especially like what you said in the last paragraph from, “This is especially true…” to “…and like that your husband wants you.”
    The women who have fulfilling sexual relationships with their husbands should teach the other women about what they are doing. Not that they have to go into the “messy details” but like you said tell that they like sex and that they like that their husbands want them. The unacceptable alternative is to simply stand quietly aside and watch those unhappy marriages fall apart.
    One question: You mention that teens should be taught these truths. I agree but how do you do that without their parents hustling off to another church? I suppose the answer to that would be to present the material to the parents first and then let them decide if they want their children to attend the class/series. It would be a sneaky way to fix some faulty thinking in the parents’ marriages too.

  2. 8 hours agofrom livefyrehttp://www.the-generous-husband.com/2013/05/20/more-on-male-sexuality/#lf_comment=74916090
    I agree with you Paul.  My wife and I  have not heard this type of stuff in our church circle and we have been married for 20 years.  Thanks for all you do. Thank God that my wife and I are not this  way.  We have a very active sex life and have a good time together.

  3.  8 hours agofrom livefyrehttp://www.the-generous-husband.com/2013/05/20/more-on-male-sexuality/#lf_comment=74915486
    Oh, I just want to talk to that wife. And many wives.
    This misunderstanding of flesh vs. spirit has wreaked a lot of havoc through the years. We Christians have often misunderstood that God gave us our flesh and it can be used with spiritual purposes in mind. Thanks for taking this on, Paul.

  4. “The
    wife has indicated God wants her to limit the amount of sex because the
    man cares too much about sex, and denying him sex will help him develop
    a deeper relationship with God.”
    From what I have seen denying him sex will actually do the opposite of what she thinks it will do. I have seen more men question God’s love, or more accurately His compassion, because of an unloving wife or truly mis-guided wife.

  5. Pingback: Flesh=Bad/Spirit=Good is Heresy - A Grown Up Marriage

  6. TheGenerousHusband 
    “You
    mention that teens should be taught these truths. I agree but how do
    you do that without their parents hustling off to another church? I
    suppose the answer to that would be to present the material to the
    parents first and then let them decide if they want their children to
    attend the class/series. It would be a sneaky way to fix some faulty
    thinking in the parents’ marriages too.”

    IMHO the best way to teach these truths is boldly, clearly, without anything sneaky.  I think the best way is for a pastor who is respected as a truth-speaker, and loved by his congregation, to be very up front with the people and teach God’s Design for Sex at the main sermon on Sunday morning when the most people are present.  Don’t do it on Sunday night, or Wednesday night, or at a special event.  Teach it when the children are in the sanctuary listening.  Give 2 weeks advanced notice… “The message two weeks from now will be rated PG.  It will be about God’s Design for Sex in Marriage.  It will be specific but absolutely NOT explicit.  I invite concerned parents to talk to me after the service today or call me this week to learn more so you can feel comfortable about the material I will cover.  We will provide a special activity in the Education Area for younger children, and those whose parents prefer to handle this subject in a different way.  However I am crafting this message in such a way that I believe is appropriate for children 12 and older, and I recommend that they be in the service.

    Then, the pastor should go ahead and boldly teach the truth.  No holds barred.  Let the chips fall where they may.  I am a pastor.  This is exactly what I have done.

  7. It can be a bit dangerous to tell girls their men will want them 24/7 because 1) they may go on to marry low drive men and 2) it reinforces the “men are animals” narrative the woman in this email clearly believes.

    I think a more balanced approach is to teach God’s total design for marriage and a real emphasis on mortifying sin and cultivating virtue. Do books like Timothy Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage” Gary Thomas’s es books and C.S Lewis “The four loves”. None of this purity culture, how far is too far, is maturation still wrong if I do it with closed eyes standing on one foot, dating and toeing the line nonsense teens get. Teach that sex is not just sex, teach about relationships and the complete meaning of intimacy. Teach the boys that pushing a girl sexually, trying to manipulate her, exposing her to unwanted sexual advances and watching porn is like repeatedly hitting a beautiful marble statue (married sexually, specifically his married sexuality) with a 100 lb hammer. Or a tree with a chainsaw, if you prefer your sexuality metaphor to be a living, growing thing.

    Also teach boys to grow up and stop delaying marriage so that you can pretend to be an adolescent into your 30’s.

    Teach both sexes to be serious about marriage. If you want it, cultivate your character so that you are mature enough for it by the time your early 20’s. Also teach that you should prepare for it, like you would for a career. Marriage > career and character > money or knowledge

    My pastor has said that if you’re not willing to have sex at least 3x a week, you should not get married. I think this is a realistic approach. It shows that it is important, but it avoids the implicit message that men are sex-crazed animals who can’t help themselves.

    • @alchemist – I think the best way to prepare folks for marriage is to give them the best idea possible of what it will be like. The fact is more men want sex more often than most women. There are exceptions, but this is the norm. The talk about sexual stewardship and the need to meet each other’s reasonable sexual desires, regardless of who has the higher drive.

      As for delayed marriage, I am with you 100%. Very few people who are waiting till 30 to marry are even willing to try not having sex till then, and this true in the church too. (We had some interesting talks with millennials and those who minister to them the last few months, and even those who follow Jesus are having pretty casual sex as a rule.)

      I also agree with your hierarchy of marriage and career. First, we expected kids to finish college before they married. Then we wanted them to get a good job before they married. Now we want them to be able to buy a home before they wed. What we have done is all but guaranteed every couple walking down the aisle has a dozen plus sexual partners between them.

      And finally willing 3x is a good idea. I like sex more days than not (thanks J) which is about the same amount, but a slightly different attitude.

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