Fake it Till You Make it in the Bedroom?

This week I told you playing a part can move your reality to match the part you’re playing. Can you do it with sex?

Aiming for better sex © Stuart Miles | freedigitalphotos.net

Yes and no. If you act the way you want your sex life to be, it’s unlikely to end well. You want to be able to grab her, kiss her, and have her start pulling off clothing – but you know acting it out will not result in what you want.

What you can do is see her differently. Stop seeing her as uptight, passive, and just no fun. Instead, see her as a passionate, lusty woman who is repressing her true sexual self. I don’t think this is a lie, I think for the vast majority of women it’s very much reality. Most of the repression isn’t intentional or conscious; it’s been habit for so long she thinks this is who she really is. She doesn’t allow herself to want sex much, or enjoy it much, because somewhere in her mind doing doing those things will result in something bad happening. The fears are mostly irrational, or at least not rational in her life as it is now, but they’re still real fears to her, and they still limit her sexuality.

Stop seeing her as a selfish gatekeeper trying to limit your sexual enjoyment, and realise in truth her subconscious is gatekeeping her sexual enjoyment. Somewhere inside that cold repressed woman is a horny wife trying to get out. Instead of telling her how horrible she is, find ways to coax her inner vixen. Forgive and set aside the wrong, and work for the good. Give her praise and support when she ventures a bit further. Make it clear you think her enjoyment of sex is good, healthy, and holy. Be subtle, go slow, and work at it bit by bit.

First and foremost change your inner image of her. See her not as the troll keeping you from crossing the bridge into great married sex; instead see her as being held captive by a troll not of her making.

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8 Comments on “Fake it Till You Make it in the Bedroom?

  1. You are dead-on here, Paul.  My husband has my caller id set as ‘Hott Bonny.’  That’s just a little thing, but it helps me feel spicy!

  2. This is something I struggle with because we don’t know what the future may hold.  My wife may never find her ‘inner vixen’, or if she does, she may express it differently than I hoped or imagined.  It’s hard to know which things I hope for are reasonable and which are impossible and I should just try and let that dream go.  I have wanted personal growth for my wife in other areas of her life and this feels much different to me because I need/want her growth in sexuality more for my own sake than hers.

    • treeman I understand your struggles.I think open and willing is great no mater what form it takes, so I would not worry too much about the what or how. Her never getting there is a bigger, and more realistic concern. 
      Your final comment may be a factor. I get it, I’ve felt that way myself, and I’m not sure it’s wrong, but if she is picking up on it (and I bet she is) that may be a problem for her. Try to understand what she is missing – not just physical pleasure, but a level of trust and connection that she wants and needs. She is missing a great deal, and she would be so much better off if she could open up to it. I know how much you want it, but try to also be aware that it really would be a great thing for her.

  3. This has been a recent topic for discussion at work. A colleague suggested a book “The Married Man Sex Life Primer” which apparently encourages men to become better to “destabilize” the relationship, ultimately increasing her desire for the husband more.
    This sounds a little underhanded to me. Have any of you heard of this? From a Christian perspective, what are your thoughts? I am all for becoming a better person, but I do not wish to be manipulative.

    • JTTrey3 I’ve not read the book. Amazon says this about it “The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 cherry picks the best ideas of books like “The Mystery Method,” “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” and the volatile online world of the Pickup Artist a.k.a. “Game” community and merges them with a solid grounding in evolutionary psychology, sociology, biology and behavior modification.”
      Based on that, I’d say yes, it’s manipulative! I also doubt it builds a healthy marriage.

      • TheGenerousHusband JTTrey3 Thank you!  I shall avoid like the plague!

      • TheGenerousHusband JTTrey3 Thank you!  I shall avoid like the plague!

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