Because it’s Right

In Fake it till SHE Makes it I asked, “Is it the right thing to do even if it doesn’t result any change in your wife?” I answered I think it is.

Bull's Eye! © Stuart Miles |

I often mention in passing that we should do things because they are right even if we gain nothing from doing them. I wonder if the point gets missed because it’s usually offered as an afterthought in a post discussing how what we do might result in a positive change in our spouse.

I am all for doing things to nudge our spouse in the right direction. I think it’s a loving and effective way to bring about change. However, much of what I suggest falls under the category of what we should all be doing as husbands. If you try it and see no change in your wife that is unfortunate, but only doing it so she changes your heart is not right. If we only do what is right for what we can get out of it, we’re not any better than the “people of the world” are. Jesus calls us to a much higher standard.

By the way, I see this as a major headship issue. It’s all well and true to say a woman should “submit” regardless of what her husband does, but most women won’t do their part if her husband is failing at his part. The man who does what God calls him to do, regardless of what his wife does, is showing true headship. Do what is right because it is right and let God deal with your wife.

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Great tweet of the week:

15 min of leaning on Big Guy’s shoulders & sharing our days makes everything feel ok.@forgivenwife

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:
Assume Love posted One Last Stand Before Divorce ◄ Patty pointed to this old post because it has had some new comments recently. So glad she did, this is a must read!

Assume Love

I Would but I Can’t ◄ Wish I’d seen this soon enough to link to it from my “Limits Both Real and False” post.

Black and Married with Kids

In Your Marriage, Can You Stand the Rain? ◄ Storms will come, are you ready?

The Generous Wife

Stop It Before It Starts ◄ Learn to stop a fight before it starts.
Take a Mini-Vacation ◄ Even when time and money are tight, find a way.
It’s Just My Phone ◄ Don’t let the day set you up to blow at your spouse!

Hot, Holy and Humorous

3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm ◄ This is written for women, but you can learn from it.

Intimacy in Marriage

Sex as a Priority: Will You Make the Hard Choices? ◄ If you say no, or avoid sex, PLEASE read this.

Journey to Surrender

A True Love Story ◄ Do you love like this?

One Flesh Marriage

Just Ask, Because I Didn’t See ◄ Avoid problems with better communication.

Redeeming Marriages with Jack and Janet

When is it Okay to Talk About Past Hurts? ◄ Should the past stay in the past?

refine us

Will You Fight For It? ◄ It’s worth a fight, isn’t it?
We Prefer People Lie Rather than Be Honest ◄ Spot On! I may have to riff on this one.

The Romantic Vineyard

Expect-cations ◄ Don’t let your expectations ruin your vacation.

5 Comments on “Because it’s Right

  1. “The man who does what God calls him to do, regardless of what his wife does, is showing true headship. 
    Dead on!!

  2. Been reading your blog for about a year now after my husband started reading it. I wanted to know how and in what ways he was being encouraged to be a better husband. Most things I agree with, a few I don’t, but today I just cannot keep quiet. Your comment that “we all know that most women will not do their part if their husband is not doing his part” is absolutely outrageous! Take a better look around your community. You really don’t see woman after woman “doing her part” even though her husband is completely failing at being both a husband and a father??? I understand that you work very hard to encourage men rise to their calling but to suggest that women only step up when the man does is just plain ludicrous! My husband of 23 years is now an amazing father and husband but for the first 20 years I had to pull both mine AND his weight. That’s what most women do….what needs to be done, whether the man steps up to his responsibilities or not. Whatched my mother do the same thing for many more years than I. So I would just encourage you to take a better look around your community. I would be very surprised if you didn’t see dozens of women drowning in heartache because their husband won’t be who he is called to be!

    • czlej Yes, I see such women; the stand out because they are rare. That is why I said “most”.
      Yes, I see women struggling and dying inside because of what their husband is doing or not doing. However, most of those women are not being loving, giving and generous week after month after year in the face of a husband who is not doing what he should.
      Please don’t see any of this as a slight against women. I don’t expect a woman in a very poor marriage to be able to give he husband everything she “should” – I don’t think God made women to do that.

  3. I too have been reading your blog for some time, and I couldn’t keep quiet, but it’s because I could not agree with you more!  As a wife, it is much harder to do “my part” ie submit & respect, if my husband is not leading and loving me.  Of course I have been wrong because I too, wasn’t doing what was right because it was right and allowing God to deal with my husband.

    • janna94  I won’t say it is impossible to submit without halfway decent headship, but it is exceptionally difficult and no one can do it long-term. This is why bad leaders in business are sabotaged, and bad leaders in the military sometimes end up dead. I’m not suggesting either is right or good, but it is a natural result of human nature and limits.

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