Comparing in the Bedroom
Yesterday I talked about the danger of comparing your wife to other women. Today, let us apply that to sex.
To whom do we compare our wives sexually? To the women we see in porn. The majority of men reading this have intentionally looked at porn in the last two months, and almost all of the rest have seen a fair amount of porn at some point. The younger you are, the more porn you’ve likely seen, especially if you had Internet access by your teen years. Most of us have seen a great deal of porn, and like it or not that has affected how we think about sex and what we sexually desire.
The real problem is porn is very different from real sex. I recently read an interview with a couple of female porn “stars” and they said porn is just entertainment, and nothing like real sex. The women who do it know first-hand what they do in porn is not what they want or do in real life – but do we? We say we get it, but I don’t think we understand how far apart the two are.
- Porn is short on foreplay, and kissing is especially absent.
- Porn is rarely slow or gentle.
- Because porn acts have to play to the camera, the range of positions is limited and includes a good bit of contortion.
- Porn never ends with “Not tonight” (Unless he won’t take no for an answer…)
- The acts seen in porn don’t match what real women most desire.
- The women in porn don’t struggle to climax. Either they do with ease, or they aren’t expected to.
- When women climax in porn, they do things real women don’t do when they have real climaxes.
I could go on, but you get the idea. Please don’t think you’re immune to this, you’re not. When I married Lori, I had been free of (magazine) porn for a decade and yet I see places where it still coloured my sexuality.
If you’ve seen porn, you’re comparing your wife to those women, and your sex life to those acts. The more porn you’ve seen, the worse it is.
What can you do?
- First, admit you’re comparing.
- Consider admitting it to your wife. If it’s going to cause a huge problem maybe you shouldn’t, but please don’t let your pride keep you from doing it when you should.
- Cut off the source of the problem. My favourite web site for this is Be Broken.
- Fight comparing. This is a long-term fight, and you’ll have good days and bad days – stick with it.
- Change how you think, replace poor thoughts with good thoughts.
- Learn to enjoy sex as it naturally unfolds.
- Work to learn what your wife wants and enjoys sexually.