Controlling in the Bedroom
A major control complaint for many men is sex. She controls when they have sex and what they do, and he’s unhappy with one or both of those. (This is reversed in about a quarter of marriages, I suspect porn is a factor in many of those.)
Many husbands have concluded their wife is selfish about sex. I understand why they feel this way, but I think most of them are wrong. If a woman is selfish in general, sexual selfishness seems likely, but most women are not more selfish in bed than they are in other areas of their marriage. There is the whole “sex is different” lie some women use to justify sexual selfishness, but that is as much about the lie as it is the selfishness.
My theory is most wives limit sex because they honestly don’t understand how strong the male sex drive really is. Most will admit men have a somewhat stronger drive, although some will say it’s more about selfishness than sex drive. However, the lie that men and women are basically alike is strong, and it has left most women believing something other than the truth. To that end, I want to provide some information and evidence on male sex drive. I realise this may be the kind of information you can’t realistically share with your wife, but I hope putting it out will help some couples.
The part of the brain devoted to sexual pursuit is more than twice as larger in men as in women. This alone is strongly suggestive, but there’s more. A major review of studies on sex drive1 concluded man have stronger drives by every measurement possible. The summary of the study said, “No contrary findings (indicating stronger sexual motivation among women) were found.” Certainly, there are individual women who have stronger sex drives than individual men, but as a whole men have significantly stronger drives, and there’s not a single well done study conflicting with this.
A new study2 that has been in the news recently found men and women have the same level of sexual self-control. Men are more likely to give in to sexual impulses not because they lack self-control, but because their sexual impulses are much stronger. This study did some cleaver things to sort out drive and self-control and it looks very solid.
Putting a number on the difference in sex drive is difficult, but I’ve seen several sources say men as a whole have four times as strong a sex drive as women as a whole. I don’t think that means men want sex four times as often as women, but it does mean men want it more often, and it also means not having sex is far more of a problem for men.
My assumption is loving, generous women who understand the truth will make a significant effort to do a better job meeting their husbands much stronger drive.
1 Is There a Gender Difference in Strength of Sex Drive? Theoretical Views, Conceptual Distinctions, and a Review of Relevant Evidence Roy F. Baumeister, Kathleen R. Catanese, and Kathleen D. Vohs Personality and Social Psychology Review 2001, Vol. 5, No. 3, 242–273
2 Sex Differences in Succumbing to Sexual Temptations: A Function of Impulse or Control? Natasha D. Tidwell Texas A&M University Paul W. Eastwick The University of Texas at Austin