Selfishness is Never the Solution!

Last week Elizabeth posted The Worst Marriage Advice (Straight From the Comments) over at Warrior Wives. Apparently, she has a commenter who is saying, “Don’t serve your husband. Don’t respect him. Don’t consider him. Do what you want. Let him take care of himself.” In other words, be selfish.

I’ve had similar comments from men on this blog from time to time. Behind the words what they’re saying is “be selfish”.

Selfishness © Tarngjer | 

My assumption is the husbands and wives who make such comments are in horrible marriages. They feel neglected, unloved, wronged, and so on. Maybe they’re mostly innocent, maybe they’re mostly to blame, but they’re miserable and they’ve decided the best course of action is to be selfish and just take care of themselves.

I get it, I really do, but it’s a strategy guaranteed to make the marriage worse. If both spouses respond to selfishness by becoming more selfish, the marriage goes into a death spiral! The only way to break such a cycle is for one person to make the unilateral decision to be less selfish. Start to give when there’s no reason to give. Be generous when there is no expectation your she will be generous. Give the benefit of the doubt even though your spouse has proven she doesn’t deserve it.

I will admit there are times we must be a bit selfish to protect ourselves. Even when this is valid, the selfishness makes the marriage worse, and it needs to be a short-term thing, not a new way of life.

The bottom line is selfishness is a poison that kills marriages. Both husband and wife have a responsibility to deal with their selfishness, but I think as head the husband is called to lead by example in this. 

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6 Comments on “Selfishness is Never the Solution!

  1. Selfishness, no matter how it is wrapped up, will always destroy any relationship, especially relationship that are to be built on love because selfishness is the opposite of love. As soon as selfishness enters any relationship, love is pushed out. If you want to desire a marriage, let one or both parties become selfish – oh, they may overlook the selfishness for a while, but the true is that it is destroying the relationship. Selfishness is a killing cancer in any relationship.  God is never selfish and He IS love. Therefore, we must do our best to allow His love to flow through us and intentionally be on guard for selfish thoughts and attitudes

  2. Paul, thanks for all you do for folks. You are a good online example for others. 
    Couples who suffer from selfishness need to realize that this is  a terrible way to live. It becomes a downward spiral as you mentioned. It is difficult for a selfish person to see that the alternative is far greater.  This is a sickness which sucks the life out of a relationship. 
    Isn’t is fascinating that even if a person did not believe Jesus is God, simply practicing His teachings will create a  peaceful life. Going against His teachings will promote distrust and therefore, a distressing life. 
    Thanks again for tacking the tough issues.

     Helping men learn how “To Crack The Romance Code” — Jerry

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