The Sex You Secretly Wish You’d Had?
Last year Emma Gray wrote a HuffPost article entitled 15 Types Of Sex You Have In Your 20’s. Her list included drunk sex, one-night-stand sex, “you’re convenient” sex and, barter-system sex. Her reasoning was having all these kinds of sex is a great learning experience. Really? No wonder our society is so messed up about sex!
Then Rachel Hollis replied with I Only Had One Type Of Sex In My 20s — And It Was Amazing. Rachel’s comments included “I don’t for one second want to pass judgment on someone else’s choices in life and I’m all for owning your own sexuality. But I take real issue with the implication that every woman is running around engaging in casual (and it sounds like, unfulfilling) sex. Very few of the options even seem enjoyable or fun, and if nothing else, shouldn’t sex at least be that?“
There was quite a bit of discussion of this for a while. The “have a lot of sex with a lot of people” folks seem to think it’s the best way to get a good sex life, and it in no way has a negative impact on the kind of sex you have later in life. Seems to me like a bad case of blindly defending what you’re doing because you have no intention of changing.
I guess the issue is this: is sex “plug and play”, meaning you can swap partners and just keep going, or is sex something that takes significant configuration? My sexual experience is limited to a high school girlfriend (who I left a virgin) and my lovely wife (who got my virginity) but even with a short list of partners, I can tell you sex is not plug and play. The parts are similar, but how they respond to various stimulation can differ a great deal! I’ve talked to men who have far more experience, and those who cared about more than notches on their bedpost agree women vary a great deal sexually. The same is true of men, although probably a bit less than for women.
So which makes more sense, a lot of experience much of which will not transfer to your long term sex partner (or wife, if you’re just that old fashioned!) or waiting till you find a woman you love and then learning about sex once, with her?
What does this matter to those of us already married? If your experience was limited before marriage, please don’t think you missed out on something great. What you missed out on was confusing contradictions of what women want and the risk of becoming very interested in some sex act your future wife would find boring, or worse.