The Sex You Secretly Wish You’d Had?

Last year Emma Gray wrote a HuffPost article entitled 15 Types Of Sex You Have In Your 20’s. Her list included drunk sex, one-night-stand sex, “you’re convenient” sex and, barter-system sex. Her reasoning was having all these kinds of sex is a great learning experience. Really? No wonder our society is so messed up about sex!

Then Rachel Hollis replied with I Only Had One Type Of Sex In My 20s — And It Was Amazing. Rachel’s comments included “I don’t for one second want to pass judgment on someone else’s choices in life and I’m all for owning your own sexuality. But I take real issue with the implication that every woman is running around engaging in casual (and it sounds like, unfulfilling) sex. Very few of the options even seem enjoyable or fun, and if nothing else, shouldn’t sex at least be that?

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There was quite a bit of discussion of this for a while. The “have a lot of sex with a lot of people” folks seem to think it’s the best way to get a good sex life, and it in no way has a negative impact on the kind of sex you have later in life. Seems to me like a bad case of blindly defending what you’re doing because you have no intention of changing.

I guess the issue is this: is sex “plug and play”, meaning you can swap partners and just keep going, or is sex something that takes significant configuration? My sexual experience is limited to a high school girlfriend (who I left a virgin) and my lovely wife (who got my virginity) but even with a short list of partners, I can tell you sex is not plug and play. The parts are similar, but how they respond to various stimulation can differ a great deal! I’ve talked to men who have far more experience, and those who cared about more than notches on their bedpost agree women vary a great deal sexually. The same is true of men, although probably a bit less than for women.

So which makes more sense, a lot of experience much of which will not transfer to your long term sex partner (or wife, if you’re just that old fashioned!) or waiting till you find a woman you love and then learning about sex once, with her?

What does this matter to those of us already married? If your experience was limited before marriage, please don’t think you missed out on something great. What you missed out on was confusing contradictions of what women want and the risk of becoming very interested in some sex act your future wife would find boring, or worse.

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11 Comments on “The Sex You Secretly Wish You’d Had?

  1. I agree, more partners is not better. I would go one further and say premarital sex, even with the same partner, will negatively impact your married sex life.

  2. As a person who was “in the world” through my childhood, I often confused excitement with quality. Having become a Christian after those “wild and crazy” days, I look back as to what I exchanged in my youthfulness with sadness.  However, when a girl in high school would not engage in the same activities as others I dated, I was fascinated at her life choices. Now I know where she got her fortitude but then it was a new experience as I thought all people viewed sexuality the way my family and friends did. This is how I was introduced to the simple wholesome teachings of the Bible.
    As one who was “there”, experimentation does not equate to sexual maturity but at the time I did not know any better way. Most men are taught the ways of the “experimentation” mode with many partners. It is up to those who have surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus to gently teach the other method – “one man for one woman for life”.   For those in the world it is not an exciting lifestyle to wait until marriage to engage in sexual activities. God can give you the opportunity to lovingly teach the practical differences between the Bible and the world. 
    This is why I started my blog

  3. SexWithinMarriage I agree completely! I know a few couples who do not find that was the case, but the majority say it ultimately hurt them. It’s a bad gamble!

  4. Romance Man There is an excitement that comes with a new partner. I think God created that to help us get past the awkward phase of sex. Some get hooked on that new partner excitement, and move from person to person to keep getting it. This is sex over relationship, and we need relationships to be healthy!

  5. Based on the very frank conversations I have had with others about their experiences as well as what I know about my own life, I do not believe anything important is missed by having had few or only one sexual partner. What you miss by not being promiscuous is the opportunity to feel embarrassed by your own choices, the need to get tested for STDs., the fear (or reality) of unwanted pregnancy, getting your heart broken or breaking someone else’s heart, and having people and incidents in your past you’d rather not have to explain to your spouse. Truly great sex happens when two people who love and trust each other focus solely on each other and gain experience together.

  6. I had sex with my wife before we married. I cannot disagree with your statement, but I feel you do need to make sure you’re sexually compatible before walking down the aisle.

  7. rmx_ I think that argument falls apart because the sex one has before marriage is usually different than the sex after marriage. I know plenty of men who felt they had a great sex life with some women, married her, and then it changed and they became very unhappy about their sex life.
    It’s like test driving a car in the show room – it does not tell you what it will be like when you get it out on the road!

  8. rmx_ I think the idea of sexually compatibility/incompatibility is mostly a myth. The initial excitement of a new relationship almost guarantees compatibility in the beginning. After that, as individual preferences emerge and change over time,  the couple develops compatibility together. Most supposed sexual incompatibility is really a symptom of some other problem (emotional distance, anger, porn addiction, stress, illness, etc.)

  9. Having experienced both types of sex (premarital promiscuity and covenant intimacy), it’s definitely better in marriage. I think that’s a hard sell for those who end up with a mate who is unwilling or nonparticipating; they start to think that any sex — casual, etc. — trumps little to no sex. But the conclusion shouldn’t be to seek sexual excitement outside of God’s plan, but to pursue God’s plan for sexual intimacy in marriage that much more. Great post, Paul!

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