Anger is Scary
My post over on The XY Code today is about anger, and how a wife can help her husband learn to relate in other ways.
What I would like men to understand is that for many women an angry man is a scary thing. Even if he has never hurt her and she doesn’t think he ever will, male anger is still scary for many (most?) women. Most women have had a couple of times when they had good reason to be fearful about what an angry man was going to do, and every woman knows another woman who has been hurt by an angry man.
At best, your anger shuts her down. Maybe there are times that seems good; maybe you occasionally show anger to get her to back off. It works, but it is a very bad plan; find another way to get distance when you need it.
I do understand some women just won’t let go of things, and anger may be the only way you have found to get them to drop something when you really need them to just stop. If that’s the case, I suggest you explain this to her – sometime other than when she’s not letting something go. Tell her there are times when you need to think about things for a while, and her pushing doesn’t help that happen. Tell her pushing makes you angry. Even better, tell her you’ve developed a bad habit of using anger to get her to stop when nothing else works.
You might try to work out a way to communicate your need for her to stop so you can think for a while. If you do that, don’t use it as a way to avoid things – actually think about what she’s said and bring it up with her later. If you show her you’re willing to discuss things if she gives you time to think she’ll have good reason to back off when you ask.