Understanding Her Sexual Reality

Sex is easy for most men – we desire it strongly, a bit of nudity is enough to get us aroused, and the odds of us climaxing are very high. For most women, sex is far less easy, and far less guaranteed. Imagine with me that sex for you was more like this:

  • It takes 5 to 15 minutes of foreplay to get a decent erection. Except that…
  • About 1 time in 8 you can’t get an erection, no matter what she does.
  • What gets you hot varies from one time to the next.
  • During intercourse, a sudden noise or a distracting thought can cause you partially or completely lose your erection.
  • Sometimes you can’t orgasm, even though you want to and feel the need. You get close, but then you lose it.
  • When you do orgasm, it can be anything from mind-blowing to “I think I did, but I’m not sure.”

Sinking Hope © Stuart Miles | freedigitalphotos.net

If sex was that way for you, might you think or feel some of the following?

  • I’m tired and there’s a good chance I’ll get really turned on then not be able to climax.
  • Is she wondering what is taking me so long?
  • Does she think I’m broken?
  • Why would I want to put myself through the frustration and embarrassment?
  • We should wait until I am less stressed so I have a better chance of getting turned on.

Most women struggle with at least one of the things on the first list. Some women struggle with most or all of them. Do the thoughts and feelings on the second list make sense when you understand what’s behind them? In particular, she’s afraid she is broken and she’s afraid you will get upset with her for being broken.

Tomorrow I’ll suggest some ways you can deal with these issues as a couple. In the meantime, may I suggest you share this with your wife and ask her if any of it rings true for her?

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3 Comments on “Understanding Her Sexual Reality

  1. I know you preface this with “for most men,” but I think that those of us who do suffer from different forms of performance anxiety can appreciate firsthand exactly the kinds of experiences you attribute to women
    If I remember correctly, I believe it was one of the take-aways I got while sampling Barry McCarthy’s [u]Rekindling Desire[/u]. Sometimes we need to be less “goal” or “performance” oriented when it comes to sex and learn to enjoy the experience (whatever parts of it work correctly that day) and worry less about the parts that don’t happen.
     A suggestion for “most men” out there, this is where it is important to be a student of your bride. Learn the things that are most likely to help her along, how to tell what is working and what isn’t, and how to do it all without coming across as “pushy” so that she can enjoy whatever experience comes to her.

  2. Looking through another persons eyes should make us more sensitive to their situation. You have made a good list for us guys to really embrace our wive’s personal issues. Their problems are vastly different from ours. It takes our intimate life together to begin to understand each others internal foibles. What turns her on today or even this morning will not function tonight. This whole “different thinking” process is the reason I started my blog. Thank you Paul for mentioning it on your posts.  
    Some of the recent posts and one I am working on now, deal with our dissimilar informational misunderstandings.  It is as though she is broadcasting on FM and we are tuning into her on AM!  Both are using proper equipment but both do not get the message the other is sending and receiving.

  3. Wow, just wow!  I think this is one of the most powerful post you have written.  Why??  Because hopefully it will help husband’s understand their wives a little better, and why sex may sometimes start to feel like a chore for her or she starts to seem uninterested or just always too tired.  
    I’ve often felt that maybe I’m being selfish about sex, but honestly, when you get “that” close to an orgasm and suddenly it’s gone, and you really, really desire one (especially when lovemaking is only once, maybe twice a week and you are a high drive wife) and you want to keep going and try again, but then you think he’s getting bored or tired or just wishing you’d hurry up so he could have his turn, you just let it go and then want to do nothing but cry.  Sex can then start to feel like it’s only for him and as selfish as it may sound, you start to wonder, “what’s it in for me that I should even want to try again?”
    Having written all of that, I will say that my husband is a selfless lover and always, always wants to see me experience pleasure during sex.  It’s mostly just me that let’s the frustration of having a harder time climaxing influence how I see the sexual encounter.  
    Julie from Intimacy in Marriage wrote an excellent post a few weeks ago at Engaged marriage about why an O is so important for wives.  Like she said, how many husbands would continue to want to have sex if they rarely or never had an orgasm?  So very true!
    Can a wife enjoy sex without experiencing an O?  Sure, but honestly, there is nothing more completely satisfying than ending a wonderful lovemaking session with all the fireworks.  Perhaps if we had more time in our lives to connect sexually, I wouldn’t feel the “need” so much to reach an O, but when it’s once a week, well, I don’t want to wait a whole week to try again. ;)

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