Giving Her What She Needs for Great Sex

I’ve been expecting some lady to post to the comments of one of my last two posts saying, “I’m not like that!’ Those who study sexuality have found a small percentage of women’s sexuality is very similar to typical male sexuality: strong drive, easily aroused, easily reach climax (in fact a very few women suffer from the female version of premature ejaculation, reaching orgasm far sooner than they want). I’ve not seen anyone offer a good reason why this is so, but the consensus is women have no choice in the matter, and cannot learn to be different.

If your wife didn’t identify with the things I said in Understanding Her Sexual Reality or Help Her Understand Normal Female Sexuality, you can skip this post. For the other 95 or so percent, read on.

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Give Her Time

She needs more time than you need for every aspect of sex. You need to give her all the time she needs, but you also need to convince her that you are eager to do this. She needs to know you see giving her sexual pleasure as a better use of the time than anything else you would do with the time.

Part of giving her time is making sure she never feels rushed. If she normally needs 25 to 35 minutes from undressing to orgasmic bliss, then don’t have sex unless you have at least 45 minutes. This doesn’t mean you have to give up quickies, as long as she’s okay with not having a climax on those occasions. Some women find a morning quickie great foreplay for making love that night.

Find a Sure Thing

Imagine the frustration of being very aroused but unable to climax. You want to do everything you can to help your wife find a sure way to have a climax when she needs one. This could be oral sex, manual sex, or use of a vibrator. It might even be her doing it herself while you kiss or hold her. Figure out the surest way for her to climax and then practice until it’s as close to a guarantee as possible. If she feels confident she can climax when she really needs to, she’ll find it easier to be open to sex. She may also find it easier to try new things if she has a sure-fire fall back method.

Give Her Control

The more control she has, the easier it will be for her. Since sex is easy for you, please be willing to sacrifice for her in this way. Put her needs ahead of your needs, and her pleasure ahead of your pleasure. (You will learn that in sex giving is better than receiving!)

  • Let her tell you when she has had enough foreplay. Don’t ask, don’t hint, just keep going until she tells you she’s ready to move on.
  • Let her decide if she’s going to climax before intercourse, after intercourse, or is going to try to climax during intercourse.
  • If she says it is time to move to her sure way of reaching climax, do that immediately. Don’t let frustration set in!
  • If it’s not working and she says she’s not going to climax, accept that without argument. Later you can tell her you were more than willing to keep going. Let her know you will stop when she feels she needs to stop, but she should never feel she must stop because of you.
  • If she tells you to go ahead and climax, do so – and enjoy it. This will help free her of guilt she’s ruining sex for you.
  • If she wants to try to orgasm during intercourse, let her choose the position.
  • If she offers something just for you, say yes, enjoy it to the fullest, and thank her afterwards. Saying no feels like you are trying to manipulate her into having sex for both of you. It doesn’t matter if this is your intent or not, it will feel this way to her and that will add pressure to her feelings about sex.

Make Her Comfortable

Being comfortable and at ease will make sex easier for her.

  • Make the room temperature what’s good for her. This will probably be a bit warm for you, but you being warm won’t interfere with your sexuality nearly as much as her being cold will interfere with her sexuality.
  • Let her wear socks. In one study, researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands found 80% of women wearing socks had an orgasm while only 50% of the barefooted women reached climax.
  • Let her wear whatever else she wants, or agree to dim lights, or total dark. Yes she needs to get past those things, but let her learn to want and enjoy sex first.
  • Watch what you say – certain words or phrases can turn her off. A good discussion of this away from the bedroom would be a great idea.
  • Be sure you don’t stink! Her sense of smell is much stronger than your sense of smell, and she’s especially sensitive to body odour. A good shower very shortly before sex is always a good idea. Also brush and/or use mouth wash.

Bottom Line

Yes, I’m telling you to cater a great deal to her sexually. I’m asking you to put your desires on the back burner for a while so she can discover the pleasures of sex. This is the right thing to do, and it is the wise thing to do. If she learns how great sex can be, you have many great nights ahead of you!

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20 Comments on “Giving Her What She Needs for Great Sex

  1. I have much enjoyed reading these last three posts because you have written them knowledgably and have incorporated an invitation for your readerrs to understand thier wives sexuality as if they had the same issues to deal with. Very cool. Personally I found that some of what you have written about applies to myself; that is to say that I recognized similar issues in my own sexuality and similar thoughts associated with those issues. I would imagine that several of us older men (I’m 53) can also relate because age does diminish the ‘Giddi-up!’ days of youth By the way, I can vouch for the ‘sock trick’-warm feet do indeed lead to hot lovin’!

  2. Another great post on this subject.
    And I am actually one of those women who feels her sexuality is closer to that of a man’s.  I have an extremely high desire and get very easily aroused, which can lead to frustration on my part as the higher drive spouse.  I will get myself really aroused and thinking “tonight might be the night” and then, no.  I often times feel like I need to go take a cold shower or walk really hard and fast on my treadmill or something to get rid of that feeling that built up.  It’s really hard to turn it on and off, and I think personally, more so for a woman.  
    I agree with everything you have said here about helping your wife climax, except I would add to this one:
    If she tells you to go ahead and climax, do so – and enjoy it. This will help free her of guilt that she is ruining sex for you.”
    If she tells you this, it is probably because she’s getting frustrated with herself for not climaxing faster and yes, feeling like she is holding you back.  But I know personally, even after telling my hubby to go ahead and finish, and he reluctantly does on occasion, I just want to cry.  This is the part that makes me feel “broken” and makes me sad that in my situation, it will usually be another week before we have sex and I get to try again.  If this happens too often, you just start to decide maybe it’s not worth trying at all and it may take longer each time. 

    So, I would add:  “Afterwards, offer to help your wife to O, if she wants. If she says no, let her know you would have continued and could have waited to climax.  Really affirm that she is NOT taking too long.”   
    Do not just assume she is satisfied with not climaxing, but try to understand she probably just quit trying because she didn’t want to ruin the experience for you and keep making you wait on her.

  3. Another great post on this subject.
    And I am actually one of those women who feels her sexuality is closer to that of a man’s.  I have an extremely high desire and get very easily aroused, which can lead to frustration on my part as the higher drive spouse.  I will get myself really aroused and thinking “tonight might be the night” and then, no.  I often times feel like I need to go take a cold shower or walk really hard and fast on my treadmill or something to get rid of that feeling that built up.  It’s really hard to turn it on and off, and I think personally, more so for a woman.  
    I agree with everything you have said here about helping your wife climax, except I would add to this one:
    If she tells you to go ahead and climax, do so – and enjoy it. This will help free her of guilt that she is ruining sex for you.”
    If she tells you this, it is probably because she’s getting frustrated with herself for not climaxing faster and yes, feeling like she is holding you back.  But I know personally, even after telling my hubby to go ahead and finish, and he reluctantly does on occasion, I just want to cry.  This is the part that makes me feel “broken” and makes me sad that in my situation, it will usually be another week before we have sex and I get to try again.  If this happens too often, you just start to decide maybe it’s not worth trying at all and it may take longer each time. 

    So, I would add:  “Afterwards, offer to help your wife to O, if she wants. If she says no, let her know you would have continued and could have waited to climax.  Really affirm that she is NOT taking too long.”   
    Do not just assume she is satisfied with not climaxing, but try to understand she probably just quit trying because she didn’t want to ruin the experience for you and keep making you wait on her.

  4. And don’t forget, for some people, none of these work either.
    The “sure thing” you find may work now, but not completely shut her down after a pregnancy or birth.
    Giving her control may be giving her too much responsibility.  My wife has so much responsibility during the day with 4 kids at home that when it comes to sex, she doesn’t want to be in charge at all!
    I think the skill we need most, as husbands, is adaptability.  Don’t think that just because you married and have one wife for life that it means you can settle into a routine.  Her body is going to change, her nerves are going to change, most likely her preferences will as well.  Learn to adapt and seek mutual pleasure, and you’ll find a way.

  5. And don’t forget, for some people, none of these work either.
    The “sure thing” you find may work now, but not completely shut her down after a pregnancy or birth.
    Giving her control may be giving her too much responsibility.  My wife has so much responsibility during the day with 4 kids at home that when it comes to sex, she doesn’t want to be in charge at all!
    I think the skill we need most, as husbands, is adaptability.  Don’t think that just because you married and have one wife for life that it means you can settle into a routine.  Her body is going to change, her nerves are going to change, most likely her preferences will as well.  Learn to adapt and seek mutual pleasure, and you’ll find a way.

  6. amyhannaford65 To bad sometimes she is taking to long. and sometimes its an emotional block.  I’ve gone down for literally over 30 minutes attempting to satisfy my wife.  Only to end up with lock jaw and the knowledge that I can’t please my own wife

  7. SexWithinMarriage No question the “sure thing” is a moving target. 
    Maybe “control” was the wrong word, as it could be read that she is doing it and he is laying back. What I meant was that she chooses what is best for her based on how she feels each time. As to him taking charge, that should work if she is fairly responsive, but if she struggles with sex he is going to have to be a mind-reader for her to have any change of regular pleasure. Even if she communicates her range of function, how will he know which to do on any give time if she does not tell him? 
    With you 100% of adaptability!

  8. amyhannaford65 You are right about arousal and women. Both men and women get extra blood in the genitals when they get aroused, but while he loses an erection easily, her “vasocongestion” stays for hours and hours if she is aroused and does not climax. I’ve seen some doctors suggest that if this happens often enough it can have a harmful effect on a woman’s reproductive organs.
    I should have been more clear on the after if she tells him to go ahead. Certainly he should be ready to do whatever she needs. The difficult part here is he can make her feel worse if she is unwilling to keep trying, so asking is tricky. I suppose his best option is “If you want to stop, we can, but I would be happy to do whatever you want to get you to an orgasm.”

  9. Poptart30 amyhannaford65 Does she want oral sex? Many women feel uptight about receiving oral (I’m dirty down there, or it’s unnatural) and those thoughts make it very difficult for her to relax and enjoy.

  10. This is where sensitivity comes in on both sides.  Just as I would assume a loving, sensitive husband would not expect his wife to give him oral for huge amounts of time, neither should a wife keep her husband trying for hours.  But there are other ways to help her and it might be something good to communicate about.  Have you really asked her what she wants?  What gets her going?  And yes, if a woman is not feeling emotionally loved or connected, or just cannot let go during lovemaking, it makes it much harder to climax.
    I’m sure you can please your wife, but maybe what you think should work isn’t the best for her.

  11. Yes, that makes sense about not making her feel worse if she doesn’t want to keep trying.  On the other hand, just not saying anything about it, at least for me personally, can feel like her O doesn’t matter as much, kwim?  Even if that is not what he is thinking.  I like what you stated and think that it would be a good options.
    Just wish all you men could read minds, would make all this so much easier! LOL

  12. Yes, that makes sense about not making her feel worse if she doesn’t want to keep trying.  On the other hand, just not saying anything about it, at least for me personally, can feel like her O doesn’t matter as much, kwim?  Even if that is not what he is thinking.  I like what you stated and think that it would be a good options.
    Just wish all you men could read minds, would make all this so much easier! LOL

  13. SexWithinMarriage So true.  I’m in third trimester of my first pregnancy and have spent a great deal of time the last few weeks in tears because NOTHING is a sure thing anymore and I DO NOT KNOW what WILL work.  DH is so patient and loving but I still get frustrated with myself.  Before pregnancy I often was in the mood, now I never feel it beforehand and it takes way more time to get there than before.  Emotionally I want it but physically it is tiresome trying to get into it.  Crazy how much our hormones change and affect us!

  14. Sometimes she is the one that need to give herself more time.  I always let foreplay go until she wanted to move on, but she wanted to move on asap and for years she was shortchanging herself.  Sometimes you need to genltly lead her, even after she got past that there were times she said she there was no way I’d get her to climax, but she was willing to let me try a bit longer and she got there much to her delight and surprise.

  15. meglettx Yep, on my fourth round of that.  used to be, my wife would orgasm every time, now, she opts not to 1/3 of the time.
    Some suggestions that worked for us (no promises): Try vibrators if you haven’t yet.  Try multiple pleasure points at once, it sort of overloads the system and seems to work more often.  Try focusing on him for foreplay.  This was a huge surprise to us: my wife gets really turned on now by turning me on.  In the past our foreplay was exclusively about her, now its almost exclusively about me (which in turns gets her going).  Oh, and don’t be afraid to try sex that’s a little rougher than your used to (if you generally have gentle sex).

  16. Several of the “usuals” apply to me, but I also have a drive independent of getting “turned on.” I think about sex and strongly desire it…long before the hubs and I ever reach the bed. I’ve found that more women experience this later in life, often post-kids but pre-menopause. Anyway…some great tips here, Paul!

  17. HotHolyHumorous I think what you describe should be normal for women. I suspect it is more common later in life because women often feel better about themselves and are more willing to seek what they want with age.

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