Hardware, Software, and Great Sex
You’ve seen your wife naked, right? Her body doesn’t look like your body looks – especially the sexual parts.
For several decades there’s been a concerted effort to convince people most gender differences are just skin-deep. The hardware is different we are told, but we all run the same software.
We run different software, and this is especially true for sex. I think many sexual problems come from men and women thinking her sexuality should be like his. This is a sure road to frustration and problems.
One big difference between men and women’s sexuality that has come to light the last few years is how arousal works. For most men it”s as follows:
DESIRE => AROUSAL => STIMULATION => ORGASM
While this pattern is true for a few women most of the time, and some women some of the time, it’s not the most common female arousal pattern. For most women, sex usually works more like this:
STIMULATION => DESIRE => AROUSAL => ORGASM
This means kissing, making out, and foreplay cause desire, and then stimulation and desire together cause arousal, which can progress to orgasm. In short, “spontaneous desire” is the norm for men, but uncommon for women. (For women spontaneous desire is most likely near ovulation.)
The problem is we’ve bought into the lie she should only have sex “when she wants it.” Actually, that would be okay if we defined “wanting it” correctly, but we define wanting it as feeling sexual desire. We think she should feel “horny” before sex starts. The truth is she will usually need sex to start to cause her to feel horny.
She’s been taught that if you want sex you feel horny, and if you don’t feel horny you don’t want sex. So, he asks is she wants to have sex, and she, not feeling horny, says no. He feels unloved and neglected while she feels he should respect her lack of desire.
Imagine a different reality. They both know it’s very rare for her to feel desire before they start to have sex, but she has learned stimulation almost always results in desire, followed by arousal, followed by orgasm. She has also learned sex is very enjoyable on many levels, and even when she doesn’t get aroused she enjoys making love. So, when her husband asks if she wants to make love, she thinks about how great it is to make love with him, and she says yes.
If you’ve been doing it “wrong” for years, fixing it is going to be difficult. The first step is to understand you’ve both been treating her like male software running on female hardware. Realise this is a factor in most of the problems and frustrations in your sex life and commit to changing your mindset. Stop expecting her to experience desire outside of sex, and figure out how she really works. Start from scratch and build a new sexuality as a couple.
By the way, expecting her to initiate sex seems a bit unfair if you understand she doesn’t experience spontaneous desire. It may indeed be true you would never have sex if you didn’t initiate, but so what? If she enjoys it when it happens, you need to initiate for both of you!