Control

Recently I’ve seen the issue of control a number of times. In my own life, in the lives of others, in the books I’m reading, on-line, and even in my dreams. I figure it’s not suddenly everywhere, rather I’m more aware of it because God wants to deal with me about control. Oh joy.

Control Button © Stuart Miles | freedigitalphotos.net

We all want to be in control of our lives. We want self-determination. We want to know where we are going and we want to be free to change directions whenever we feel like it. There are several problems with this, especially when we take it too far. A few of the big problems:

  1. The more I’m in control, the less control my wife has in our marriage and in her own life. I can exert control at her expense, or try to exert control and end up in a power struggle.
  2. Some things are beyond my control. Trying to exert control over those things is frustrating at best, and it can be downright destructive. 
  3. I think the Bible says something about God wanting to be in control of my life.

Are you trying to control your life or marriage in places where control isn’t possible? Are you controlling your life or marriage in ways you should not?

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Great tweet of the week:

It is often the conversations that we DON’T have, which single-handedly hold the power to hurt a marriage. @mrgwrks

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:
Leadership Freak posted Servant not Slave ◄ This is written for businessmen people, but it is an excellent explanation of what a husband should look like. 

Do Not Disturb

Marriage Challenge: Saving Yourself for Marriage ◄ Not what you think – this is for those who are married.


The Generous Wife

Dealing With the Oops ◄ Are you gracious?


Marriage Life

Do We Treat Strangers Better? ◄ Is your wife getting your best?


refine us

2 Mistakes Couples Make Trying to Improve Their Marriage ◄ Neither of these will help!


Rock His World

Advice for Guys – Again ◄ Some great ways to show your love.


The Romantic Vineyard

Needed Nuggets Of Wisdom From A Marriage Of 55 Years ◄ Learn from those who have been doing it longer than you have.


Safe at home

Boring Consistency: A Cornerstone of Great Marriages ◄ Deep truth here.

11 Comments on “Control

  1. I will second the focus on control. I had a dream a couple of nights ago about control. The dream showed me some things about me that I needed to see. In the end, the most that I can do is to admit my lack and ask God to change me. He will be faithful….

  2. I will second the focus on control. I had a dream a couple of nights ago about control. The dream showed me some things about me that I needed to see. In the end, the most that I can do is to admit my lack and ask God to change me. He will be faithful….

  3. This and a similar thread a couple weeks ago is why I really struggle with your teaching.  A husband is supposed to be in control of his household, including his wife.  Is a head not in control of the body?  It should be.  Might be to un-PC for our modern church or especially for our modern world but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord and follow His Word.

    This was just the icing on the cake but a couple weeks ago you thru headship completely under the bus (again) by saying “unless I know for sure she is wrong, I believe she would know better than I what God wants in her life.”  Um, no.  I will direct my family in the direction I think we should go…including my wife.

    We don’t have a husband has too much control problem in the church.  We have a husband has way too little control problem in the church.

  4. This and a similar thread a couple weeks ago is why I really struggle with your teaching.  A husband is supposed to be in control of his household, including his wife.  Is a head not in control of the body?  It should be.  Might be to un-PC for our modern church or especially for our modern world but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord and follow His Word.

    This was just the icing on the cake but a couple weeks ago you thru headship completely under the bus (again) by saying “unless I know for sure she is wrong, I believe she would know better than I what God wants in her life.”  Um, no.  I will direct my family in the direction I think we should go…including my wife.

    We don’t have a husband has too much control problem in the church.  We have a husband has way too little control problem in the church.

  5. High Country Control, as I understand the word, is not what God told husbands to be. Jesus is the head of the chruch, but He does not control us – we are not puppets or slaves.

    The body does many things without the head being involved, and could not function if the head had to regulate all of what the body does. If you had to think about what to do when you touch something hot, you would get burned much more badly. 

    The bigger issue is that I need to be leading my wife based on what God wants, not on what I feel like doing. If God wants me to let her be, than ANYTHING else is wrong.

  6. TheGenerousHusband High Country 
    Um, no!  On every paragraph.  God very much wants to control and order our lives.  We get to choose whether we submit to that control and order- that’s free will, our choice, not that He doesn’t want to control and order our lives. (ps. We are to become slaves of Christ…last time I checked scripture)

    The head is involved in just about everything the body does.  Just because the you don’t have to think about it, and it comes by reflex, instinct or electro pulses the brain sends out does not mean the head is not involved.

    But where you are completely wrong, is assuming the default position is to that 1) I’m leading by what I feel like doing 2) that God wants me to let her be.  Neither is what God wants or scripture teaches, but you assume by what you think of men that that is the default position so you teach hands off which is not what scripture teaches.

  7. High Country TheGenerousHusband We may be arguing semantics here. Control does not allow for free will – control is an attempt to force things to happen. Jesus never told us to try to control ANYONE!

    So you are saying God would never tell a man to let his wife do what she is doing? Surely you do not think God always wants a husband to step in and micro-mange his wife!

  8. TheGenerousHusband High Country 
    No we are not argueing semantics.  We are argueing two different versions of the Word of God.  Lord have mercy on us as the church and it’s modern teachers have shredded the the Word of God and it’s Truth.

    A husband is to manage his household well, and that sure has a lot of “control” involved in it.  Nobody said anything about micro-managing anything.   Just like nobody said anything about never letting his wife not do what she is doing. 

    You can walk into any modern Jezebel American church and get this nonsense from a preacher that has been so feminized and lukewarm for so long…in other words, no!  It’s the worst advice you can give a man.

    Men you want a good marrriage.  Take control.  Be generous, be loving, be tender YES!  By all means do those things abundantly, by gosh darn stand up and take some control.  No honey, you will quit your job and come home and take care of the home.  No honey, you will not be involved in six church functions a week.  Yes honey, you will get dressed because we are going out to dinner.  No honey, you will not spend money like that so you will give me your credit cards.  Yes honey, you will have sex with me tonight, now get naked and in bed.  No honey, you will not see that friend anymore because she’s a bad influence on you.  Yes, honey you will spank our children if they severely misbehave.  Yes, you will cook dinner and have it ready when I get home.  Men grow a pair.  DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS MAN!  He’s giving you the worst advice that can be given when he gets off sex and being generoius.  He is too infected with the modern church.  Our greatgrandfathers and our grandfathers, you know the guys that had twelve kids, got laid all the time, had marriages that lasted for fifty years and went to church every Sunday would laugh at this advice.  It’s wrong.  Your wife does not know better.  Be a man.  Become a man. A good generous and gracious man.  BUT A MAN!

  9. High Country TheGenerousHusband  You keep using words the Bible does not use, or does not use as you use them. “Manages” is a perfect example. God never tells men to manage their homes, but He does tell WOMEN to do that:

    So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households… [1 Timothy 5:14a]

    This verse makes it very clear that a man is not supposed to “manage” his wife and household. He is expected to trust his wife to do much of this. The Proverbs 31 woman is a perfect example of this. Look at all the things it says she does, and never does it tell us she does them after she checks with her husband. He has learned that she is mature and wise, and he knows he can trust her. No doubt, they have discussed various things and no doubt he keeps an eye on her, but he is in not controlling her life.

    THIS IS NOT “modern teachers” – this is the clear Word of God, thousands of years old!

    You think our grandfathers had all the sex they wanted? History says otherwise. Most of the men who had a lot of sex were getting it by fear and force, and the wife was miserable. Yes the families looked good, but far too often it was an act. Many of these women were exceeding unhappy under a tyrant of a husband. It was these men who were listening to a new teaching that was not of God. They did not treat their wives as God advises and commands and their families reaped the consequences.

    All that said, I agree that a man should set some rules and hold some hard lines when necessary. Most of your examples are fine, but the “get naked now” is not at all loving and not biblically defensible. At best it is a sure way to keep her from wanting and enjoying sex, at worst is abuse. Does he know or care she is so tired she will fall asleep? Does he know or care she is cramping and in pain? A “man” who puts his penis ahead of his wife is not a man, he is a boy in a man’s body.

  10. TheGenerousHusband High Country 
    No again.  Read the qualification for elders and see if you can find that he is to manage his family and household well.

    Second, WOAH…really all those grandparents were miserable?  No way,  sure there were some.  There are a heck of a lot more now that are miserable and don’t tell me we are living under the patriarchy now, but are the farthest thing from it.  There will always be tyrants, of both sexes, that does not negate the call of God for us to be men and control and manage our families.

    You are plain wrong my friend.  And I wonder how many sports stars, business CEO’s, musicians, etc tell there lady to go get naked now?  You want to bet it’s very high?  And you know what they do it gladly every time.  You know why…because he’s a man.  How much more for a godly man!  You got this new sick kind of “love” that has only existed for 50 years in this modern church.  

    Do you know what women want?  MEN!  Do you know what women really, really want?  MEN who are nice.  Nice does not mean though making her the head and you do that all the time even though you don’t realize you are doing it.   You are infected with modern churchianity.

    I respect you and salute you for trying to help marriages and glorify Christ.  What you don’t realize is that you are hurting as much as helping if you aren’t giving the full message and truth on both Christ and marriages.

    You and I both now this the exact message every church member gets.  Then why is divorce rate in the church the same as the world?  You don’t think the modern church is lukewarm and watered down?  How many new believers have you had in your church in the last 12 months?  Why do you think that is?

    You want to transform marriages.  Tell men to be men, generous men.  Loving men.  Men full of grace.  BUT MEN!

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