What Women Want (Part 1)

I heard in the comments recently from a fellow who has no idea what his wife wants. Apparently, she’s not telling him, even when he asks.

Maybe she doesn’t know. If a woman buys into what the world tells her she should want, she’s likely to become confused. The world is full of agendas that colour what people think others should want and do. It’s easy to fall into that and think you want those things. If they’re not what you really want, you’re chasing fulfilment by chasing things that will not fulfil you.

So what do women want? I’m going to suggest women want four basic things. Master these, and you’ll be well on your way to giving her what she really wants and needs.

  1. To be heard
  2. To be understood
  3. To be accepted
  4. To be respected

Being Heard

Man listening closely © David Watmough | Dreamstime.com

She wants you to hear what she has to say. Not just a short overview, the in-depth version. Not just once, but regularly from today onward.

This is the foundation for the rest. Get this right and you can add the others; fail at this one and the rest are out of your reach. 

This should be the easiest of the four, but what you think you know will get in the way. If you want to hear her you must set aside what you think you’ve heard in the past. Listen for what you missed, or what you denied to yourself. Urge her to say more. Ask questions based on what she said. I don’t mean argumentative questions; I mean probing, open-ended questions.

Hearing her is not understanding, that comes next. Hearing is about listening, and listening in a way that shows her you really hear her. Set everything else aside and focus on her.

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5 Comments on “What Women Want (Part 1)

  1. I would add a 5th item to this list – to be secure.  While this can several variations, it is first and foremost about her knowing that your love for her and commitment to the marriage is not conditional on how things are going at the moment.  

    PS –  I heartily second the encouragement to “Ask questions based on what she has said”.  There are usually layers, oftentimes ones that she is unaware of until & unless you open the door to go further.

  2. My wife works outwith the home and I work from home. When she comes homes I apply what I call the 7 minute rule. For the first 7 minutes (it’s usually much longer) she gets my full attention. Every evening, once the kids are in bed, I just sit and listen to whatever she has to tell me. I learned years ago she does not want answers or solutions, she just wants someone to listen to her, someone who cares for her be a sounding board. I love it. It is one of the highlights of my day.

  3. Add a sixth to the list

    To be loved

    I’m surprised you didn’t have it there to start with. Especially just  after valentines day!

  4. I expected to see some additions to this list, with love being the most likely. Security is also major for women, and more important to most women than to most men.

    If a man hears, understands, and respects his wife, he should get all the other things that are important to her. Acceptance is also necessary as it means she feels good about sharing. So in theory if she has these four, whatever else she wants and needs is going to be known and probably offered to some degree.

  5. To be his chosen and preference. Above work, tv, video games, computer, hobbies, other people (whether confidante, family, friends or other women-companionship or visually), etc-whatever it is for a woman to know this will above all else make her feel loved and secure. And to be known–emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically–again feeling loved, secure and connected to her man.

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