Delight In Your Wife

The other day Lori told me how wonderful it is for a woman to feel her husband delights in her. And yes, this was said in the context of “I love how you delight in me.”

Delight In Your Wife

“Delight” is not a word I would generally use for myself, but yes I do delight in my wife, and yes, my actions show that. Apparently, this is a good thing.

Do you delight in your wife?

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14 Comments on “Delight In Your Wife

  1. I’ve been thinking of replying to this for days.
    No, my husband does not delight in me.
    Sadly, he wants me to think that he does.
    We’ve been married for over 20 years, but he proved to me a couple weeks before our wedding that he was settling, and I would never be good enough for him. At the time, I begged him not to have his bachelor party at a strip club. I don’t cry much, but he reduced me to tears. And my pleas meant nothing. My pain meant nothing. My broken heart meant nothing. It tore my guts out to know he couldn’t bring himself to get married until he spent the greatest night of his life with older (at the time), sexier, far more beautiful better women – before “settling” for me. In that one evening he reinforced everything I knew about myself and my heart and my feelings being worth less than nothing. I no longer wanted to get married, but I knew our moms would be livid, so I got married anyway. I didn’t enjoy the day at all. I pasted a smile on my face and acted grateful, all the while knowing I didn’t deserve happiness.
    Fast forward a dozen years. Praise God we both got saved, and it took a while, but I thought I’d forgiven him. But have I, if I still “know” how worthless I am, have always been to him?
    I tried to talk about it a couple times over the years, explain my pain, but he’d always get mad and not want to talk to me. Because to him, my feelings are nothing but a nuisance.
    So nowadays, 20 some years into this marriage, he wants me to believe he loves me. He wants me to believe he thinks I’m beautiful and that he delights in me. But I think we both know that’s impossible.
    If I wasn’t good enough then, I’m certainly not good enough now.
    And no, it wasn’t a one time thing. He went to other bachelor parties. I’m sure they were a thrill, being with those amazing women instead of your plain, boring wife. When we finally did have a rational conversation, he tried to claim it wasn’t about being around strippers, but more of a “no woman is going to tell me what to do” mentality. Bologna. I never told him what to do. I begged him not to break my heart. And he did it anyway. He 110% chose those strippers over me. Therefore, he never has, and never will, delight in me. I’m simply not good enough to be delighted in. End of story.
    So when he says it makes him sad that he can never make me feel like a loved wife, well, I don’t really buy that either.
    What’s even sadder is, I think we do have love for each other. But that night when he broke my heart with no regard at all for how I felt, when he chose those better strippers over me, when he refused to talk about it for years – all of that proved to me that he did not, does not, and will never delight in me, no matter what words he thinks he should say.
    It’s sad. I’m sad. I think he might be sad. But he chose what was truly most important to him, so here we are.

    • @MeJustMe – I’m very sorry your husband didn’t respect you enough to not go to a strip club for his bachelor party. However, to assume that means he found those women more beautiful or more desirable than you is not necessarily a valid judgment.

      You have decided he settled and will never really be happy with you. But that is in your mind and may have nothing to do with the truth. He has told you how he feels, and you reject it. I suspect you reject it because of how you feel about yourself, not because of his actions. Yes, his actions played into how you feel about yourself, and that’s most unfortunate. But it still sounds like the issue is about you, not him.

      • I agree with you to a point, Paul, but if it happened more than once, I’d have some serious questions, too, regardless of any self esteem issues that MJM has. I agree he may not view them as more desirable or beautiful than his wife, but he did choose them over his wife, on multiple occasions. He had a chance to prove his love and fidelity and he intentionally chose not to (and did it in her face). That’s … harsh.

        I think it’s a compartmentalizing thing, but I notice this tendency in men to want to be able to do one thing and then say another and have their wife believe the thing they say, not the thing they do. But life doesn’t work like that. You can’t do something horrible and then say, “but this horrible thing has nothing to do with you,” and then actually expect that that horrible thing has no effect because it has nothing to do with the wife.

        • I loathe strip clubs and still want to hit my husband over the head with an iron beam for going to one several years ago, but I do NOT agree that he chose strippers over his wife. He chose bachelor parties and testosterone-infused showing off over his wife’s pleas.

          When my hubby went to that strip club, he didn’t go because of me or in spite of me. He went because the guys at work pressured him to.

          Yes, some guys do have that, “no woman is going to tell me what to do” attitude. Mine does, to a point, though it has tempered over time. It is immaturity and selfishness on his own part, but has nothing to do with how he sees or desires his wife.

      • Thank you for replying. I look at it like this. Some wives are worth cherishing. I, obviously, am not. He made a conscious choice – the strippers were more important to
        him than I, his bride. That’s a wound that hurts deeply.

        I will not believe that any married or engaged man would choose to visit a strip club unless he thought his wife was seriously lacking, perhaps even repulsive. They go looking for a beauty they believe they could never find at home. And it’s not like we’d been married forever and I was old and he was bored. I was young, and if he didn’t find me good enough then, he couldn’t possibly find me good enough now.

        So nope, not buying it. He does not delight in me. He never has. I sense it really bothers him when I will not believe his empty words of “you’re beautiful, or, you mean the world to me.” Sorry, but I stopped believing any of that about a week before the wedding. He made his choice. He wanted them more. Their sexy bodies were more special to him and worth more to him than my broken heart. I accept it. But don’t lie to me now.

        • I’m just thinking out loud here, but would it change anything if he apologized? Sincerely and openly (not “whatever, sorry, I guess”). But if he actually sat down, said he was sorry for what he did, regretted it, and didn’t realize the effect that his stubbornness would have on you, and sincerely wished he could change it — would it make a difference?

          I’ve thought about it, and I think a clear and explicit apology — one that shows he actually knows what he’s sorry for — would make a world of difference with a lot of the things between me and my husband. I really would feel better about me and us.

        • @MeJustMe “He made a conscious choice – the strippers were more important to him than I, his bride. ”
          As a man, I suspect it was much more about not wanting his friends to tease him about not wanting to go or letting his future wife control him. That’s not an excuse, but it’s a whole different issue.
          You seem to think his going to a strip club says something about how he felt about you. I understand why this seems obvious to a woman, but he’s not a woman and his actions don’t mean what you think they do. I’m not excusing his sin, nor his horrible treatment of you, but it doesn’t mean what you are convinced it means.
          I doubt any of this makes any difference to you, as you seem to need your version to be true.

          • Well, I’m willing to admit you might be right. But if that were the case, wouldn’t it have been simpler and better for both of us if he had just explained that to me?

            His unwillingness to discuss the ordeal really leads me to believe there’s something he doesn’t want to say.

            I don’t need my version to be true. But it certainly seems like the most logical version. It is also safer, to know my place, than to believe he thinks more of me or loves me more than he actually does.

            You mentioned “You seem to think his going to a strip club says something about how he felt about you. I understand why this seems obvious to a woman…”
            Yes I absolutely think his going to the club speaks volumes of how he feels about me, and it’s certainly NOT delighted. To my understanding, no man who loved or had interest in his wife would go to such a place unless they were quite unhappy with what they had at home. Therefore, he was in search of something better, something he felt was seriously lacking in me. I’m not trying to be argumentative, but it really is painfully obvious.

            Thank you though, for the discussion. It helps a bit to hear your point of view.

          • @MeJustMe – Yeah, being honest would have been far better. But he has shame and guilt and he doesn’t want to dig those things up and he doesn’t want you to see them.

            Yes, it’s the most logical explanation to you, and I do get that. But you’re not a man, and much of what you are working with is probably what other women have said about men. I’ ve talked to plenty of men who went to a strip club, or an X rated movie, when they didn’t want to. Peer pressure is a horrible thing, especially when we are young and unsure of ourselves.

            As for looking at other women, it’s not a matter of only looking at the most beautiful, the sexiest, or the one you want the most. Looking at a woman does not mean he puts her ahead of another woman in any way. Again, this probably is not logical to a woman but is a reality for most men. It’s still sin, but it’s not a statement about his wife.

          • Thank you Paul, for your insight. You are correct, that a lot of it doesn’t seem logical to me, a woman. But you seem to be pretty open and honest, so I will give serious thought to what you say.

            You also take the time to understand what women are or may be thinking, and I also appreciate the way you take the time to explain things.

            I’m not sure if I’ll ever believe my husband delights in me though, even if he wants me to believe it. The strip club trips early in our marriage, coupled with 5+ years of him rejecting me sexually (which he blames on stress and depression) have all made me feel very unworthy and certainly not someone he finds delightful. I am learning to find my worth in Christ, so those feelings have gotten a lot better. The delight thing might take much longer. If ever.

            Thank you for your help!

  2. BTW, back to the original point of the post — if my husband delighted in me, it would be so powerful. Like … it would make me feel to strong and happy.

    I know it’s a little twist of the verse, but that verse in Proverbs (NIV translation) when it says that the world can’t bear up an unloved woman who is married … that is so very true. It’s soul crushing to wake up every day and think you’re not loved, and when my husband and I were very first dating, before his feelings died out, waking up and feeling loved was energizing. I can’t explain it, but it was buoyant.

  3. One thing I forgot to add, and perhaps this can help another husband from making a similar error. The one thing that hurt worse than him actually choosing the other women was his refusal to talk about it. Any time I would try to explain to him how deeply hurt I was feeling he’d just clam up, or say something like “do we HAVE to talk about this” or “I don’t feel like talking about this” or even worse, he’d just walk away.
    That cemented everything I was learning about how worthless I was to him. It was like he was saying “not only did I care about those strippers far more than you or your wounded heart, but I don’t even feel you are worth discussing this with.”

    So that is a lot of the reason I’m still hurting. The refusal to talk or even acknowledge that it hurt me.

    @SunnyDee, would a genuine apology help? I guess so, if it were sincere. But that doesn’t erase the fact that, at least at that time, he found me lacking in every way. That’s just a harshness I’ve had to accept.

    He has, very recently, apologized. But that doesn’t mean he delights in me. I don’t see how he could. People don’t just all of a sudden change their minds.

    • I quite agree with you and understand your pains but please find a place in your heart to forgive him for Christ sake. God’s grace is with you.

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