You CAN BE The Change

Note: Due to some scheduling errors, Thursdays post went out on Wednesday, and a few email readers have already seen Saturday’s post. Sorry about that. If you missed anything, you can read Preferences and Sacrifice and Preferences, Sacrifice, and Media on-line.

Eleven months ago I started talking about you being the change in your marriage. I suggested that you stop focusing on what your wife is doing wrong and look at what you’re doing wrong. Stop dwelling on what you think she should do differently and start making changes in what you do. Move what you think has to change down the list a bit, and move what she would like changed up the list.

You CAN BE The Change

Since then, I’ve written more than 70 posts that touch on this idea. It could easily seem I think men are the only problem in marriages – if he would just deal with his stuff the marriage would be great! This is not what I think. I assume the wife is partly at fault in every last marriage. She’s not perfect, and in some marriages, she’s the majority of the problem. The thing is, a man can’t force his wife to change, but he has total control over changing himself. 

If you’re only 10% of the problem in your marriage (and let’s be honest, that’s not the case for most of us), fixing your stuff still improves the marriage. If that’s as far as it goes, you’ve made the marriage better. However, it probably won’t stop there. Unless your wife is deeply injured or unusually selfish, you becoming more loving and understanding will change how she feels and acts. It might take time, and it might seem very small at first, but she will almost certainly make some changes in response to your changes.

If you want a better marriage, you can do something to make that happen. It’s not completely up to you, but you are not powerless. Do your part, and pray for God to move on her heart.

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6 Comments on “You CAN BE The Change

  1. You have to want to change for yourself, not for someone else. The rising tide lifts all ships. I had no idea that getting control of my diet and my health would improve my relationship with my wife and kids as much as it did, it was the furthest thing from my mind, I was just worried about turning myself into what I wanted to be instead of passively accepting what my job made me feel or that people told me being fat and lazy was normal

    • @mykidsmademedoit – Very true. There have been a number of studies that show people are more likely to lose weight or stop smoking if some of their friends do those things. Of course, the reverse is also true.
      We are very social creatures!

      • That is absolutely true, if you hang around with people who run a lot and eat healthy, you’ll either eventually conform or find new friends.

  2. It has always been I do some and she doesn’t reciprocate or vice versa. We were just spinning our wheels. I decided that no matter what she did, I was going to work on me. My problem now is patience. I don’t see any response from her so I think I’m not getting anywhere. If I really think about it, she had seen this time and again and it’s gone nowhere. I can’t expect her to believe this time will be different without her seeing a difference over time.

    • @Brad – So you dug a hole and you can’t convince her you have filled it and won’t dig it back up.
      Hang in there. If she had any love left, she will eventually see the truth.

  3. I had a fairly big melt down this summer and had lost who I was. I started the process of trying to fix myself. As my wife had said she did not know me anymore and didn’t know how much longer she could do it. So I started working on myself. First I started seeing a therapist, then I changed my diet to a paleo or primal one. Now i have starts working on getting in to shape by exercising. I have lost more than 30# in the last 3 months. I am feeling much better, have started to get my self esteem and confidence back. I have also started perusing my wife and asking her to have sex, and she now says yes more often. I had stopped asking completely because she would always say no. She has also been more into it when we do have sex. I have a long way to go, but it is looming like if I fix me it might fix the rest too.

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