Preferences, Sacrifice and Sex

One more post on preferences and sacrifices – this time in your sex life. And for this one, I want to go beyond moral issues.

Preferences, Sacrifice and Sex

Most men would love to have a wife who is all about sex, and sex in all kinds of different ways. The reality is many women are not this way. Most new husbands are light years ahead of their wife in terms of sexual desire and sexual variety. And because most men don’t understand this, many of them run their wife over with sex. (And then back up to see what the bump in the road was.)

I understand what you want, and there’s probably nothing wrong with what you want. But if your wife’s not up to it, pushing her for it will only make things worse. I’ve had countless wives tell me they know they can never satisfy their husband sexually, and when that happens they stop trying. They throw him crumbs because they know they should, but because they’re convinced they can’t give him enough they make no effort to do better. 

If your sexual preferences overwhelm or scare your wife, you really need to back off. In this situation sacrifice isn’t just kind, it’s wise. When you lower your expectations you show her she might be able to satisfy you if she’s willing to put in some effort. Making it seem like a reachable goal significantly improves the chance she will work at it. Your sacrifice could be richly rewarded in time!

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24 Comments on “Preferences, Sacrifice and Sex

  1. Great post! This is where porn finds entry. A husband wants sex 6 days a week swinging from the rafters, his wife is only willing to have sex 1 or 2 days a week in the dark in missionary. It doesn’t take long for him to be masturbating to porn 3x as much as he is having sex with his wife. It isn’t hard to see where that road will lead.

    When we went through this we came up with a compromise that has lasted for about 8 years now: we each get one day a week where we get to choose, and a third day a week is a maybe if she’s up to it, she isn’t 75% of the time. It works for her because she isn’t badgered every day anymore, the wilder things I want are confined to one day a week which seems manageable, and she has a day where she gets what makes her happy. I’m not getting all the sex I want, but one day a week if I want her to swing from the rafters she doesn’t say no, and I’m guaranteed twice a week, and I have some control over the matter. We do have a few rules about her time of the month, I can’t ask for anal every week, no videos, and nothing that gets anyone arrested or fired. But if you offer most husbands the chance to get a bj once a week, they are suddenly really interested in finding a compromise that works for her too.

    It isn’t perfect but it works

      • Yes, he could, and might for a little while, but if we all had the self discipline to do that, there would be no smokers or overweight people. Is this then “causing him to stumble”….

        • No, it is, like Adam, and man blaming a woman for his own sinful choices.

        • @mykidsmademedoit – I would agree that limiting sex is putting temptation on one’s spouse, and God is pretty clear that we will be judged for doing that.

          What I don’t get is why porn has to be a part of the issue if someone chooses to masturbate. It’s not like one can’t manage it without porn.

  2. I have been all about sex since I recovered from my childhood abuse and subsequent sexual immorality. I have literally begged for my husband to be interested in me. However, years of porn led him down a path of more porn, paid for sex, and a 2.5 year relationship with another woman. I spent years being told I was crazy, he would never be interested in another woman, etc, but I can always tell when he goes back to using because his desire for me stops and he has trouble getting to completion. God seems to have rescued him, and our family, from this. It is a daily struggle for me. I have always tried giving him as much as possible because I love it and I feel it is an important way to bond. I am writing this to implore men to not use other women to fill what they see as a void. Turn towards your wife. I love, love, love your posts. They are so helpful. Thank you for doing what you do.

  3. This would make excellent pre-marital reading.
    I’ve often wondered how many men clip their wive’s sexual wings long before they learn to fly.

    • Jolie, I guess it’s because we don’t understand why our wives don’t want us as much as we want them, especially if we were sinfully having tons of premarital sex before marriage. After all, it’s really hard for me to understand why it’s so much of a sacrifice for my wife to receive pleasure while doing something that is the most amazing thing in the entire world.

      We’re supposed to wait our entire lives in abstinence until we are married, so why in the world can’t we let our full passions fly free at that point? If wanting to experience full pleasure and my every desire of my heart with the one woman I promised to love and spend the rest of my life with is clipping her wings, then I just don’t understand why we are supposed to save all sexual activity for marriage in the first place.

      Yes, when I was a 22 year old and I married my wife, I expected to have sex as often as I was physically able (which was 6-10 times per day). Why wouldn’t a woman want to do the same? This is what I don’t understand.

      • @Brian “it’s really hard for me to understand why it’s so much of a sacrifice for my wife to receive pleasure while doing something that is the most amazing thing in the entire world.”

        Because it’s just not that way for her. It’s not as easy for them as it is for us, and they need a good emotional foundation for it to work.

      • @ Brian- “After all, it’s really hard for me to understand why it’s so much of a sacrifice for my wife to receive pleasure while doing something that is the most amazing thing in the entire world.”

        You are assuming we all experience the same things through sex. Big assumption.

        I can’t speak for all women, but for many, receiving pleasure through sex is a learned process. Many women enter marriage having sex, or already having had sex, but not necessarily truly enjoying sex. A lot of women never think about sex until they are having it. Sex for many women is hard work. It takes energy to decide to be sexual, put our minds in the game, concentrate on becoming aroused, and often never reaching orgasm.
        Sex isn’t necessarily the “most amazing thing in the entire world” until we learn how to make it feel good and practice making it easier.

        Learning how to enjoy sex would be much easier if we are given the time to find what we like, what we don’t like, and experiment at our own pace. A good many of us aren’t chomping at the bit to release our inner passion. A good many of us aren’t even sure we have an inner passion or how to develop one. A good many of us don’t physically crave sex. When we are expected to have the same desires and needs a man does, we are automatically put behind the eight ball. That’s a game we cannot win.
        When you run over your wife with sexual excitement and exuberance BEFORE she has had the time and experience to learn to enjoy sex, she may just give up trying to find her hidden sexual self. Her wings get clipped before she learns to fly.

        I think this happens more often than not. I think men assume women have the same sexual wants and needs that they do and enter the marital bedroom like a kid in a candy store only to push too much candy down the throats of their wives which turns them off instead of on.

        As far as premarital sex goes, the excitement of a new relationship, without the responsibilities of raising families and living the daily grind, makes sex easier. Plus (big plus), before marriage, a woman can say “no” anytime she wants, for any reason, and not feel guilty about it. Once married, saying no is a sin.

        Plain and simply, sex isn’t the same for a woman as it is for a man.

        • Well, learning to have physical pleasure wasn’t the issue for my wife. I gave her an orgasm the first time we ever did anything together and she seems to have tons of pleasure each time. I’ve heard that many women don’t but that isn’t the issue with my wife. That’s why it never made any sense to me. It’s not like sex was just for my enjoyment when we made love, I worked hard to make it feel better and better for her. But regardless of how good it seemed to be for her, she still didn’t want to, and she didn’t want to experiment or even do any of the things she did prior to marriage. Sex, literally starting on the honeymoon, was her laying on her back receiving orgasms with no effort at all on her part. And suddenly it was like pulling teeth to get her to do even that.

          I just don’t get it I suppose. Why should I advise young men to wait until marriage for sex if sex turns out to be terrible? Why shouldn’t I tell them to remain single and abstain from women, so that at least they don’t end up with a chance of divorce? I have a hard time believing this is what God intended for sex.

          • Brian,

            Sexual response and sexual desire are two different entities.
            You may want to read the book “The Female Brain” by Louann Brizendine MD.
            It may clear up much of your confusion.
            My prayers to you both.

            • Thank you for your suggestions Jolie. I’m sorry I come off as bitter. I just feel robbed I guess, and I don’t know why this has to be so complicated. If desire was so hard to come by for my wife, why didn’t I see that prior to marriage? Why did she see so willing before? The words “bait and switch” come to mind.

              Why do we make it seem like sex will be so great once you get married if it’s not going to be? Shouldn’t we be honest to the young men out there? Just let them know that if you think it’s anything like you think it will be, sorry but it’s a lie….unless you happen to end up with one of the unicorns that actually want sex.

              • @Brian-

                “Why do we make it seem like sex will be so great once you get married if it’s not going to be?”

                That’s the question of the century. We don’t educate/prepare ourselves very well.
                I’ve always wondered where we get our great expectations when the reality is, that sex within marriage takes work. Sex within marriage is ever changing. Lives change, bodies age, hormones shift (especially for women on a constant basis as well as a seasonal basis), living gets complicated and stressful, etc…..

                What makes any of us expect that sex within marriage will be constant bliss?

                “Shouldn’t we be honest to the young men out there?”

                Well, shouldn’t we be honest to the young women out there also? I often hear women distressed about the fact that sex is nothing like what they expected.

                Please read the book.
                Women’s sexuality looks nothing like a man’s.

                • Jolie, I agree with all you said. I made the comment about men primarily because from what I can see men are the ones that want sex the most and women in general seem to have a mindset of take it or leave it.

              • @Brian “from what I can see men are the ones that want sex the most and women in general seem to have a mindset of take it or leave it”

                A common but incorrect understanding. In at least 25% of marriages the wife wants more sex and feels refused.

                • I would be very interested to know the demographics on that. What is the percentage of marriages where the man is in his teens or twenties where this is the case? I could see age and health related factors playing a part in older men, or if the relationship has gotten to the point where he basically feels no love for his wife anymore. But I would be extremely surprised to learn that more that a tiny fraction of men in the first year (or first few years)of a marriage refused the wife when she was the one wanting sex.

                  Of course with the increase of porn and the increasingly unhealthy lifestyles younger adults live, I can imagine a larger population than before would have issues.

              • Brian “I would be very interested to know the demographics on that. What is the percentage of marriages where the man is in his teens or twenties where this is the case?”

                A lot of women have an increase in sex drive in the 30’s, while men are more sex crazed in their 20’s. But there are more and more women in their 20’s who are begin told no by their husbands.

                Porn and other cultural issues are a big part of this. It’s not necessarily a lack of sex drive, some men choose porn and masturbation over sex with their wife. I can’t imagine that, but I know it’s true.

          • @Brian – You’re expecting your wife to think, act, and feel like a man! Orgasm alone doesn’t make sex good for a woman. She might have some sexual trauma in her past, or she might need some changes in her relationship with you, or probably some of both.

            I agree with you that this is not what God intended (see God Wants You to Have Great Sex! posted yesterday). One big part of the problem is men expecting women to be like men, and women expecting men to be like women.

            • “@Brian – You’re expecting your wife to think, act, and feel like a man!”

              You’re certainly right to a certain extent, because it’s the only frame of reference I have since I can’t see inside her mind. If having multiple orgasms isn’t enough to give her any incentive to have sex with me, then I freely admit that I can’t comprehend her motives. I mean, even if I don’t have the feeling of hunger I will eat my favorite dessert after a big meal because it tastes so good to me.

              Do women need to be reprogrammed from birth to think of sex differently because they’ve been so messed up by culture? I’m not at all saying that men haven’t been messed up by the culture, but it seems that the way women come in to the marriage puts a huge strain on the sexual relationship.

              What about women that don’t react this way? Are they able to fully enjoy sex because they are more wired like a man, or did they get raised in such a way that they don’t have such hang ups about sex?

              • @Brian,

                “If having multiple orgasms isn’t enough to give her any incentive to have sex with me, then I freely admit that I can’t comprehend her motives.”

                Coming from a woman who was able to have multiple orgasms (back when I was still having orgasms), having an orgasm was Never my motivation for sex. I have never truly felt a physical need for sex or a need for sexual release. Orgasms were nice, but really no big deal….at least for me. My motivation for sex is connection.

                “…but it seems that the way women come in to the marriage puts a huge strain on the sexual relationship.” Brian, perhaps it’s the way men come into the marriage that puts a huge strain on the sexual relationship. What makes you think that men are the one’s who “know” what good sex is?
                Men probably have an idea what good sex mean’s to them, but that doesn’t mean a woman feels the same things constitute satisfying sex.

                • Jolie, those are fair points and thank you for your perspective. Here is why I feel the “male” approach to sex is more in line with how God intended it to be versus the “female” approach:

                  1) First and foremost, I don’t think the way most women today come into a marriage have a healthy view of sex at all. When you read Song of Songs, you don’t see a timid woman who is scared of her own sexuality and wants to be gently eased into it a little at a time. No, instead you see that she is cautioned against awakening sexual desire before the right time. Now why would that even need to be said if she wasn’t chomping at the bit to get at her lover? When the lovemaking does play out in Song of Songs, she seems to jump in head first. Next, in Jewish tradition it was not the husband, but the wife who was guaranteed a certain amount of sex based on the husband’s occupation. So, I would theorize that it’s not necessarily the default setting for women to not want as much sex as men. I would say it has been socialized into women to be this way.

                  2). One of the first commands given to mankind was to be fruitful and multiply. What seems most likely given this command is that we were meant to go wild with each other, and today’s “female” approach of wanting to hold back certainly doesn’t seem to be conducive to this.

                  3). Sex is healthy for a marriage. Not having sexual is unhealthy for a marriage. If males want sex and females don’t, doesn’t that mean that the “male” way is more productive and useful for a marriage?

                  Anyway, my point isn’t that today’s women are completely unjustified in feeling the way they do. If you’ve been taught that sex is bad and that you should hold back, then that is what you are more likely to do. This is just as so many men have been corrupted by porn. So, my central idea is that if we weren’t messed up by culture and sin, sex inside marriage would more closely resemble what men want than what women want.

              • @Jolie – Thanks for what you said about orgasm vs connection as your motivation for sex. Not all women are exactly the same, but many are. I don’t know that men can understand it, but we can accept it as truth.

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