Owning Your Sexuality

If you’re not a bit confused about your sexuality you’re a rare man indeed. We get blasted with all kinds of sexual messages. On the one hand, having a penis makes you a monster; a rape looking for a place to happen. On the other hand, men deserve sex, and women need to understand that and get naked. Many will tell you that you’re repressed or old-fashioned if you’ve had fewer women than you are years old. Others think you’re a dirty old man if you’ve passed forty years of age and still think about and want sex.

Owning Your Sexuality

The truth is God gave men a strong sex drive and wired us to be very aware of and easily aroused by sexual sights. Those things aren’t bad or wrong, they’re part of God’s creation. The issue is how we use those things. If we use our sex drive as an excuse to push women for sex, that’s wrong. If we allow our eyes to linger where they shouldn’t, that’s wrong. Even in marriage, we must exercise some degree of self-control. I believe our stronger drive is intended to result in more sex than our wife would choose on her own, but getting there is a dance not an arm wrestling match.

All of this means there’s a constant tension in our sexuality. We’re pulled towards things we know are wrong, and pushed away from things that are right. Often our own sexual fears are our worst enemy, with our wife’s wounds and fears being a close second. It’s tempting to think sex is just more trouble than it’s worth – which is part of why God gave us a sex drive that just will not shut up!

Owning our sexuality means accepting how God made us and acknowledging the temptations we face. It means fighting the temptations without trying to change or deny how God made us. It means understanding God created us to take the lead sexually and not abdicating that. Sex isn’t just for us, it’s for our wife and our marriage too. When we settle for too little, we hurt our marriage. When we take care of it in the shower because we don’t want to risk being told no we’re cheating our wife as much as we’re cheating ourselves. When we allow popular media, porn, or our own imaginations to fill us with things beyond what our wife is ready to try we close doors. Likewise, if we allow neo-gnostics to convince us anything other than vanilla sex is wrong.

Owning your sexuality means being okay with enjoying it when it’s good and making suggestions on how it could be better. It also means learning that there’s a lot of pleasure beyond orgasm and that much of that pleasure isn’t physical. The more you can embrace that for yourself, the better sex will be for you and your wife.

Given the world in which we live, sex is a narrow path with a sharp fall-off on either side. If we aren’t intentional about our sexuality it’s doomed to fall off the path. However, if we hold to what God says and apply love to our sexual urges, we can stay on the path and arrive at a wonderful sex life. It’s not an easy task, but it’s the right thing to do and the and and the rewards can be great!

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23 Comments on “Owning Your Sexuality

  1. I cannot tell you how brilliant I think this is! Did this just pour out of you in a clump? It seems to be a great summary of your whole outlook. God bless you.
    -M

    • @Mintone – I do this message a couple of times a year because I think it’s vital for men to get this into their heads and hearts. I suspect I’ve slowly refined it to be fairly concise.
      Thanks for the kind words!

  2. Thanks Paul. I’ve been following you some years and love your posts.
    THIS ONE is brilliant. Here you give us men permission to be all God put in us, not trying to deny the healthy strong sexual force that is inbuilt but reminding us of the challenge to be responsible with it.
    Love it.

  3. Being married keeps me out of a lot of trouble. If I hadn’t gotten married before Tinder and the ease of the online hookup, I bet I never would have. Even my wife jokes about this.

    Owning my sexuality also means I don’t have to pretend I want a romance novel, or that sex is some great expression of love to me, it definitely is not. How I want sex isn’t wrong because prudish parents decided that it is some manifestation of love to prevent them from having to have a realistic conversation with their kids about sex.

    I don’t know that I will buy into masturbating in the shower is cheating on my wife, especially if she shoots me down. There is no hidden secret between us that my sex drive dwarfs hers. She’s upfront about not meeting my full demand. She has no issue with how I take care of my need beyond what she can accommodate as long as it doesn’t involve another woman in person.

    • But sex IS a manifestation of love. That’s why God created it for marriage. That isn’t prudish. It just … is.

      • For you it might be, doesn’t mean it is for everyone. It definitely is not for me.

        Sex wasn’t uniquely “created for marriage” , as in it can’t exist outside of marriage. Lots of non monogamous animals have sex, sex was created as a means to produce genetic diversity, two sets of chromosomes should offer the best genetic chance to offspring.

        We decided sex was best kept within marriage to ensure paternity. The Bible never really states that sex is “for love” or even has to stay in marriage (at least for men), it’s kind of implied, but not outright stated; especially odd when a lot of sexual behavior is specifically mentioned. Men can very clearly have more than one wife, although it’s specified in the New Testament it is better to just have one.

        Additionally marriage in the OT was more like, “ he went into her, and they were married” it isn’t the elaborate dance that Solomon created for we don’t know what reason.

        So sex being about love and smoochy stuff is modern revisionism to make the Bible conform to social expectations. The men mentioned biblically had the same lascivious and animalistic sex drive we do now.

        • So to you, sex is no different than another physical urge, like hunger, thirst, or an itch? So you do not make love to your wife because it isn’t about love to you?

          • Yes, it’s a physical urge. I never call it making love because I think that is nonsense. It is not an expression of love to me, it’s like being hungry. I don’t have an emotional attachment to women I’ve had sex with simply because we had sex, that doesn’t mean I don’t have an emotional attachment, it just means sex isn’t how I display it. I have had sex with someone I actively disliked at the time, or when I’ve been quite angry with my wife.

            Christianity seems to promote this female version of sex as only some grandiose expression of love, if men saw it that way there wouldn’t be strip clubs and porn. That narrative isn’t grounded in reality.

            • My husband doesn’t call it making live either. He once yelled at me, “you kerp calling it making love! I just want to get my rocks off!” That hurt.

              Listen, I am a woman,and I get that sex isn’t always this grandiose romantic expression of love. But, why can’t it ever be? Many times it is a fulfillment of a physical need, but love is connected to it. It doesn’t have to be, but for many it is a very key ingredient and a very good way to express it.

              Cooking food for my husband is an expression,of love. But, I can cook for strangers I don’t care a fig about. But, when I do it for hubby love is attached to it. Deep love.

              I wouldn’t have sex with someone I don’t have a committed love for, and saving sex for just my husband is something I do because I love him, and I have it with him because I love him, I have sex with him,when I am angry with him because I love him, and I put up with vanilla sex and his desire to just get his own rocks off because I love him. Not sure how long you would stick around if your wife just took her orgasm, rolled over, and went to sleep, leaving you hanging.

              I don’t think it is a female version to attach love to sex, or call it making love. I think it is God’s version! Sex with our spouses is a reflection of the intimacy between Christ and His church bride. And if that isn’t full of love, i don’t know what is. Sin has made it base, animalistic, and just an urge to be filled. God, I believe, created it to be more. So much more.

              • Just because sex isn’t about emotion for me doesn’t mean I don’t do what my wife wants some or most of the time. Just like everyone else, I don’t have to do what I want all the time. My wife isn’t much of a romantic, so this isn’t a huge issue for us; however, given my preference sex would look a lot more like a drunken hookup than a romance novel. Sometimes it goes my way, sometimes hers.

                I call it the female version because most men don’t need an emotional connection to have sex. If you want to learn about how men see sex, spend a few years in the Army, you’ll figure out real quick that the crap your youth pastor taught you was a giant pile of BS. I was pretty adventurous and I was absolutely appalled at how little any of the guys cared about who they had sex with.

              • @Libl – It’s pretty common for a sexually starved man to see sex as getting his rocks off. That need is so loud in his mind he can’t see or feel anything else.

                Most men see and feel a great deal more if they are having enough sex with a woman they love. The emotional parts of sex do exist for them, and when the screaming need for release is calmed they start to feel and enjoy those things.

                Not all men are this way, but the vast majority are.

              • But, Paul, he’s never been sexually starved in our marriage except by his own refusal! I’m the sex-starved spouse!

              • @libl – I have no idea how to explain it. My guess would be it’s about things he was taught about sex and his sexuality that are making a mess for him.

        • Ha!!! My husband can’t even keep up with my sex drive let alone dealing with 2 or more wives!! Plus, I don’t know many men anymore who want kids. Those who do typically only want 1 or 2. They also can’t support a family on their own and request that their wives work full time.

          I’m WAY too jealous to deal with another woman in hubby’s life, and WAY too set in my ways to have another woman monkey with my home.

          • I can’t imagine having someone else to catch all of the things my wife misses that I do wrong, or find more things I do annoying.

            Most guys I work with my age (mid 30s) and younger don’t want kids, I didn’t want kids in my early 20s either, actually I’m not sure I want the ones I have sometimes 😇

            We have two and that is the absolute most I would ever want, I’d never want the stress of paying for daycare and trying to contribute to 529s for more than that.

          • @Libl – And if we want to use the OT as our standard, he can’t have another wife unless he can do so without it resulting in less food, clothing, or SEX for you!

        • @mykidsmademedoit – I don’t agree with several of the things you said. But I’m just going to flag it and move on as we’ve already done most of this before.

    • @mykidsmademedoit I didn’t say masturbating in the show is cheating ON your wife, I said it cheated both of you. It means not pushing for a sex life that you would both enjoy.
      If it’s part of the whole, and the wife is aware of it and fine with it, or aware and unwilling to do what is needed for him to not feel he must do it, then I have no issue with it.

  4. While I understand the intention of the article, it leaves me confused and almost hopeless. Any too much this way… that’s wrong. Any too much the other way… that’s wrong. It has to be just right. And what’s just right… No one knows. You’re screwed. And a terrible person as well.

    How can I take the lead sexually when it is entirely up to the whims of another person who virtually has no interest in it. Except when she wants something for herself. Then like a dog that’s always underfoot. She calls, gets what she wants, then off to sleep.

    My drive is from God and is good. But most days it haunts me. I can’t have a normal relationship with my wife because it colors every interaction with her. Husband’s love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Loves keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn’t demand its own way.

    Don’t get me wrong. My wife is a good woman. She loves me and genuinely cares about me. However, when the days turn to weeks, turn to months and beyond… It’s madening. And if it was just sex I might be able to deal, but it’s the intimacy, playfulness, desire… It’s just not there. When she’d rather do practically anything rather than be intimate with me. Oh and I did try direct asking. It made it worse not better. The defensiveness kicked in and now it’s a guilt trip.

    I love the Lord and my wife. Slipping into acts I don’t want to do and knowing it’s a pitiful substitute for what I really want is disgusting. But after so long… what am I supposed to do. I have no power to resolve the situation on my own.

    Please pray for us.

    • @Bob – I would say you are suffering from the Church’s failure to prepare men and women for the sexual part of their marriage. That’s one of my bit issues with the Church as a whole.

  5. Another something that helps accept a strong sex drive is the reminder of what marriage is all about (or at least one of the big reasons): a representation of Christ and his church. So when we (as men) feel such a strong desire to be one with a woman, we can remember that Christ feels just as strongly and more about his bride – us.

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