In Praise of Ultimatums
I’m a big fan of ultimatums. Actually, that’s not right, I don’t like them, but I do like what they can do. And, I dislike what often happens because an ultimatum was needed and not issued.
Imagine if your boss never said a word when you did something wrong, then one day he fired you without warning! Or maybe he commented on some of the issues, but did so in a very light-hearted manner, never letting you know how serious the situation was. None of us wants our boss to say, “fix the following things in the next 30 days or you’re gone” but we’d much rather hear that and have a chance to fix things than being fired without warning.
Marriage is the same way. As uncomfortable as confrontation is, not talking about what bothers you is worse. I’ve seen way too many marriages end when one spouse just said “You’re fired” without having given any real warning about how serious the problems were for them. Women usually do this over years of frustration, neglect, or emotional abuse. Men tend to do it over years of sexual frustration. Regardless of why it’s done, I see it as rude and wrong.
An ultimatum should never be done lightly, but when it’s needed, do it. Often, an ultimatum is needed because we’ve failed to communicate for years. If that’s the case it would be good to admit it in what you say. When you give an ultimatum, be clear about what is non-negotiable, how long you’re willing to give her to make real progress, and what will happen if she does nothing or too little. It’s not a nice thing to do, but it’s far nicer than a divorce out of the blue!
By popular demand: Links to other blogs below.
Current TMB Survey:
Will you be divorced in a year? Are you in danger of a divorce?
Great tweet of the week:
Pride is a marriage killer. A cancer. It is insidious and impossible to see in the mirror. It diminishes our capacity to truly love, serve and build up others. Pride shuts us in and God out.@PressurePts
Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:
Beyond Purity – Living with Sexual Integrity ◄ This fits well with my post from yesterday. It’s also a must read if you have kids at home!
The Curmudgeonly Librarian
A Cautious Cheer For #MeToo ◄ Great thoughts and a lot of good links.
The Generous Wife
PLAY WITHIN THE FENCE ◄ The path to a better sex life.
Heaven Made Marriage
Hot, Holy and Humorous
What Do You Need to Let Go to Have a Better Sex Life? ◄ “Often times improving the intimacy in our marriage doesn’t start with doing more stuff, but rather choosing to let go.”
Intimacy in Marriage
3 Tips on Making Sex Better in Your Marriage in 2018 ◄ These are good for women or men.
Could a Sex Toy Help Sexual Intimacy in Your Marriage? ◄ Good thoughts on sex toys,
3 Ways to Have More Fun During Sex ◄ More great ideas for better sex,
Marriage – Blog Thoughts of Pastor Dave Barringer
Shed the Shame: 4 Ways Shame Adds A Burden to Our Marriage ◄ Shame has no place in your marriage!
Help For Vaginal Dryness ◄ A significant problem for some women – especially after menopause.
Redeeming Marriages with Jack and Janet
Taking Responsibility Does Not Mean You’re Taking the Blame ◄ Don’t let blame shifting keep you from doing the right thing.