Acquire Some of Her Tastes

We talk about certain foods or drinks being an acquired taste. In the past, I’ve talked here about learning to enjoy coffee, oatmeal, and pecan pie – all things I didn’t care for a decade ago.

Acquire Some of Her Tastes

I think we can acquire an enjoyment for things other than food. We can acquire a taste for certain kinds of entertainment, or activities, or certain styles. There are certainly limits to this, and there are things we will never enjoy, but we can choose to enjoy plenty of things we would not normally enjoy. 

So how about learning to enjoy some things your wife really enjoys? Having more things you both enjoy makes it easier to spend time together.

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19 Comments on “Acquire Some of Her Tastes

  1. Are you talking about learning to truly enjoy, or learning to tolerate? I will never watch a romantic comedy on my own, but I have no problem taking her to one as our date evening, when we pick a movie to watch 90% of the time it is based on her preferences, sometimes there is a sports movie we are both interested in.

  2. I tried watching movies in genres hubby enjoys, but end up with nightmares all night, so he stopped asking.

    I have acquired a taste for good cheeseburgers, for coffee, and I learned enough about his hobby to carry on conversations with him and know what he’d like.

  3. I still haven’t learned how to enjoy my wife’s preference for sexlessness. I am working on it, though. I’ve heard Zoloft is a good libido killer.

    • Dido to that Mitch. I have bent over backwards to be kind, charming, sexy, a delicious cook, a savy successful business woman and Always willing to try new things, my asexual husband refuses to try and make any real changes. This year was suppose to be different. Not! We had sex 3 times in January , ONCE in February, the night BEFORE Valentine’s Day. 0 in March so far.
      Not off to a good start for 2018. Have talked and cried, went to counseling. I know he will never fulfill my needs for romance/sex, After all we have been through, why would a spouse not try. Have suggested reading this site, marriage books, keeping a calendar by the bed so he can look down and see WOW it’s been a while. When it does come up again he finds a way to blame me. It’s a double slap in the face. Asexuality is probably the biggest problem in marriages with sexual disfuntion. Unfortunately, it is the least studied sexual orientation. Your wife may be asexual too. There are many different types of asexuals, my husband is a heterosexual romantic asexual. He is attracted to women, he enjoys holding hands in the movie or while we watch tv. He likes to cuddle in bed at night. Has no desire what so ever, to take it to the next level in bed because he has NO desire for sex.
      This is so frustrating. I know I will NEVER be with a man(I want cheat or divorce ) that WANTS me and needs me the way I want and need him. I know I feel just the way God made a wife to feel. I am drawn to him I want my husband I want my husbands hands all over me. I would love to have a husband that wanted to make pationate love to me. He will do IT if I ask. But that is not the same thing as needing and wanting me. I feel like he is just throwing me a bone, doing me a fovor. It is a fact he would NEVER lift a brow if we never said another word about it. He would be thankful. As long as I can smile and hold hands with him. That is all he desires. I am a student of him. HE is a highly educated man and chooses to be ignorant of his wife’s basic needs for love and passionate affection only a husband should give his wife.
      I feel like an animal in a cage in this marriage. I don’t want to take one more sexless vacation with him either! I have nowhere to turn. Counselors are ill equipped to asexuality truths. Of course I have never told anyone we know about this. My husband is a respected man by everyone. I’m like a little puppet I smile and act like everything is peachy. At home all alone, I stay up till day break choking on all of this.
      I feel very very Lonely and trapped.
      God be with us all.

      • Dear Frustratededwife- Reading your comment here makes me filled with feeling so so sorry for you. I don’t know your husband, I don’t know what makes him tick and I don’t understand asexuality at all. It may totally be true that your husband is asexual. What makes me sad though is that if the description of your marriage was reversed and came from your husband, it would be one of MANY that we read here almost daily from many husbands. So does that mean all those wives are asexual? I really don’t know! Usually it’s just being explained away that women rarely ever think of sex. It’s just not on their priority list. That’s how God made them. Sometimes men are like that too.
        The way you describe how much you want your husband and want him to want you and not just do you a favor and how you don’t want to cheat on him. That is how the wast mayority of men feel in their marriage.
        I don’t blame you for any of it! NOT AT ALL!! I’m super sympathetic with you! I’ve felt very similar at times. I’m just using your comment to help people (men and women) here see how different it is if the shoe is on the other foot.
        I also don’t have a solution for you and hope to not suggest something that you’ve tried or done for years that doesn’t work. I’m not asexual but there were times that I have turned off my sexuality due to painful experiences in life and hoped and wished my wife would be interested enough to find ways to resurrect it. But that takes effort and know how. There is a podcast on iTunes called Delight Your Marriage, that is very sex positive with great advice for women. It may help you. I hope so!
        God bless you!

      • Dear Frustratedwife-
        My heart aches for you! I don’t have a solution for you and I don’t blame you in the least. I don’t know enough about you and/or your husband to make really any kind of judgement on your decision. All I know is, many a husband here understands how you feel. Many here and elsewhere express exactly what you feel and experience. We’d all love for our wives to want us badly, pationately. My heart aches for them too. Does that mean that their wives are asexual as well? I don’t know, but if it does, that probably makes for over half of all married women.
        We’ve always been told women just don’t think about sex. That’s how God made them. But God didn’t make everyone the same. I’m sure you get frustrated all the time hearing about the stereotypical man. I do too! In many ways I’m not a stereotypical man and my wife isn’t a stereotypical woman. Maybe your husband isn’t either. Maybe he’s just different, but not totally asexual. I don’t know. I love how you said you’re a “student of him”. Keep being that. Find out how you can get him interested. How you can seduce him. He sounds like a man worth fighting for!

    • Instead of learning to enjoy your wife’s ‘preference for sexlessness’, wouldn’t your time and efforts be better spent helping yourself and your wife learn why she prefers no sex? Past abuse? Feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem? You haven’t learned to pleasure her or make her sexual desires/needs/fulfilment as important as your own? Not trying to be mean. I just know these were big issues for me/us, especially the last one. Instead of working together to figure it out my husband just got angry and for the most part gave up. Don’t give up on your wife, your sex life, or your marriage.

      • Maybe I am the one with past abuse. Maybe I am the one with feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. Maybe my wife has never learned how to pleasure me and make my sexual desires/needs/fulfillment as important as mine.

        Why is there this automatic assumption that it is the husband’s fault and if we can only diagnose the poor damaged wife we will figure out the root cause of sexlessness. Maybe she is just menopausal and has no libido. Maybe she is just too tired from raising a houseful of children and has convinced herself that sex is no longer important. Maybe there is sin involved. Maybe she is extremely selfish and likes my income and prefers to watch TV and not be bothered.

        Maybe she was wild when she was younger and carries a lot of guilt about her sexual history but refuses to see a counselor because sexlessness is “my problem” not hers. Maybe I don’t want to see a counselor because the last one told me I didn’t really need sex and thus gave my wife tacit permission to keep refusing. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

        This is my problem with these constant double standards. Women come on these marriage blogs to complain about their husbands and never do they expect to be lectured about what they need to change in themselves. Instead, they expect their complaints to be reinforced in a constant male-bashing echo chamber.

    • @Mitch – I’m talking about things she enjoys doing, not things she does not enjoy.

      As for saying people have made assumptions about you, you have made several posts recently complain about your wife not wanting sex and how sex-starved you are. No one is making assumptions, they are replying to what you have said.

      • I just find it interesting the contrast between Jay’s response to FrustratedWife and Roomtogrow’s response to me:

        Jay said: “Dear Frustratedwife-
        My heart aches for you! I don’t have a solution for you and I don’t blame you in the least.”

        Roomtogrow said: “wouldn’t your time and efforts be better spent helping yourself and your wife learn why she prefers no sex?”

        Neither answer by itself is wrong, but it is so obvious that when women complain about their husbands, they expect their complaint will be met with sympathy and encouragement. When I talk about my problems, the immediate response is accusation and suggestions for how I might need to change. I think we all need sympathy, encouragement, exhortation and sometimes tough love. Let’s give men and women, husbands and wives, equal measures of all of the above.

        • @Mitch – You are comparing apples and oranges here. Roomtogrow’s approach is generally “What can you do to fix it.” Even her chosen username reflects this ideal. Her reply to you is not about your gender, it’s about how she approaches problems.

          The other thing is you are expressing a good deal of anger, and it’s bleeding over into discussions that are not about sex. I get why you are angry, but people react to that differently than the way Frustratedwife has expresses herself. So to some degree the replies you get are more about your attitude than your gender. I’m not saying that is right, just pointing out the reality of it.

          I have no idea what the situation is for you or anyone else here. We only get one side, and even when people are trying to be fair and give the whole picture they will fail. I’m sorry for your sexual frustrations, and I am sad about it regardless of why it’s happening. If the primary issue is your wife, then she has all the power. If some of it is you, then you have some power. It’s rare that it’s all on one spouse, so odds are you could do something. However, it’s all to common for one person to be such a roadblock what the other does won’t make any real changes. The really tricky one is when one spouse is acting as they are because of years or decades of the other being less than loving. If I had to guess I’d say that is a fairly large part of your problem – but I could be dead wrong on that, just reading it that way because of your anger and the way you have lashed out at people here.

          As I see it you have three choices 1) Go off the T. 2) Get in her face about fixing it and don’t take no for an answer until it leads to divorce. 3) Accept it and learn to cope. Any of these choices is probably better than where you find yourself now.

          • 1 and 3 are the same. 2 means being the bad guy and having her complain about me to her friends who will then blame me. Is there a 4th option? Do churches ever intervene or will they blame me instead? Divorce means our disabled adult daughter loses her father and I lose half my income. I guess if I choose 3 while still doing T then I risk a sinful sexual addiction. So I guess option 1 is it then. I save a few bucks and go back to being a lovable eunuch. Thans, Paul for your wise counsel.

            • @Mitch – Some churches will get involved, but not many. Besides, a woman who has no use for sex won’t want to go to a church that thinks sex is important in marriage.

              • My wife says she believes sex is important. But I guess her definition of important is just different from mine. It’s important to her like getting the tires rotated is important. Once a year whether we need it or not.

                Which is why I was very disappointed when my pastor gave a sermon about 1 Corinthians 7 a few years ago. My wife was working in the nursery at the time and missed the sermon that Sunday. But even if she had heard the sermon, the pastor just said on the issue of sexual frequency that it was a matter to be negotiated between the husband and the wife.

                I really wish he would have at least ball-parked it a little. Like, pastor, what if one spouse thinks once a week is good and the other one thinks one every decade is alright? Does compromise mean once every 5 years?

                At some point, objective standards should be established about minimal acceptable frequency or more and more couples are going to have unresolvable disagreements over appropriate frequency. Or at least more disagreements than they already have now.

                I have also read others say that if a couple can have sex they should be having sex whenever one spouse wants it. But that still doesn’t provide a number because sometimes one spouse wants it but the other one makes it clear they don’t want it. So the spouse that wants it is made to feel like a real jerk for not being sensitive to the needs and desires of the other spouse. So they don’t ask because they don’t want to make waves. And then they stop asking because it always ends up being a big argument.

                • @Mitch – The church’s unwillingness to talk straight about this is a big part of the problem. I don’t see any way “negotiated between the husband and the wife” is a valid reading of 1 Cor 7. It’s an easy out for the pastor, IMHO.

                  • I guess the pastor didn’t want to offend any women by making them feel guilty. You start putting numbers on sexual frequency and it forces some mental arithmetic.

                    “Hmm. The pastor said we should have sex at least twice a week. That’s 52 weeks a year times two equals 104. We had sex 3 times so far this year and there are 6 weeks left in the year. That means 101 times in 42 days which means I will need to have sex with my husband more than twice a day for the rest of the year just to meet a minimum biblical requirement.”

                    Panic then sets in and the rationalizations begin.

                  • @RickyB – It is certainly a tricky issue to navigate. Part of the problems is most pastors are aware there are men who think sex twice a day every day is a reasonable expectation, and they don’t want to give such a man a club with which to beat his wife.

                    Once you get into numbers you have already lost. It needs to be a heart issue, not a matter of accounting.

                    As a staring place I would put it this way “Saying no more days than not is wrong.”

                  • Agreed, but just like we put metrics to our productivity at work to make sure we are on track, sexual frequency metrics are a way to make sure we are connecting regularly and not allowing the pressures of life to interfere with our marital obligations. There is definitely a zero sum game with time pressures, especially when children enter the picture.

                    I think as long as the numbers are used simply to provoke an honest discussion about sexual needs and expectations where both spouse’s feelings are considered, then it can be productive. The danger in using numbers is that they can be used as a club to beat a spouse over the head. The danger in not using numbers is that one spouse might neglect the needs of the other and is never aware that the neglect is happening.

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