Lori and I have been doing some training that includes videos of couple counselling sessions. Watching those has been painful.

One thing that stood out to me was the husband yelling. Lori and I have never done that to each other. We may get a bit louder when we’re upset, but it never gets anywhere near yelling.


What I found interesting about the videos was the couple doing the counselling kept dealing with the yelling and other rude behaviours rather than focusing on the issues being yelled about. They saw changing that dynamic as more important than the very real problems being expressed. The more I have thought about this, the more I see it as right and good. If a couple can’t communicate without yelling or other rudeness, they have little chance of fixing anything. Learning to behave decently even when you’re upset will do a lot to improve your marriage, and it will greatly improve your odds of dealing with the issues behind the yelling.

How is your communication with your wife when you’re agitated? Do you need to work on that?

Image Credit: © Romolo Tavani |
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

6 Comments on “NO YELLING!!!

  1. I have a deep seated fear of yelling. My father was a yeller and it often accompanied an uncomfortable or painful action (a heavy chore or spanking). I married a yeller. The fear I carried meant I would bottle things up to avoid getting yelled at, and if I was getting yelled at I would work to stop the yelling, not the issue at hand.

    Now, I have to buck myself up and remember to ignore the yelling and stick with the root. Yelling in these situations is simply a tactic of manipulation.

  2. I’m curious how culture plays into this. Because behaviors like yelling and interrupting are not seen the same way in certain families and societies. I agree that most yelling is disrespectful and damaging, but I can imagine a family in which the volume is just much louder and it doesn’t have the negative effect one might expect. (And no, we’re not yellers, so I’m not defending us. ;) )

    • @J. Parker – I’ve certainly been in families that yell all the time and don’t mean anything by it. If everyone is good with that I guess it’s okay. But if a husband comes from that and his wife is like Libl it can be a major problem. I would also be worried about how it might affect or train the children. It’s not culturally acceptable in the US, so it seems teaching kids to be that way is putting them at a disadvantage.

  3. As parents I believe there is allot that we can do to not pass on the habit of yelling to our kids. Even though I come from a loud family of origin, our volume is not manifested in yelling at each other, but just showing our excitement about life. My wife’s family of origin was exactly opposite. Dad would yell in fits of rage but excitement would never be shown with any kind of volume. So yelling has just never been an option in our family now and thankfully so far we have not struggled with it with our house full of teenagers.
    The downside of not yelling is that we have to be very intentional about getting them to share their feelings when they are upset. The tendency is to hold in and deal with things in silence. My wife is so good at connecting with them calmly!

    • Yes. Just yesterday I listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast and as usual they played a little intro to their topic “Helping Teen girls love their families well”. The intro was a shouting match between a mother and her daughter and it seemed to me like the hosts and guests had the mindset that that was normal.
      My first thought was that the mom was showing her daughter how to become a disrespectful teller.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: