One More

Do something your wife likes a bit more often. Do it one additional time a day, or week, or month depending on what it is and how often you already do it.

One More

Don’t think one more would make a difference? What if your wife decided to have sex one more time a week, would that make a difference?

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7 Comments on “One More

  1. Heck yes it would make a difference, but first I would have her seen by a medical professional to make sure she was OK and then schedule a DNA test to make sure that this was indeed my wife. I hope you don’t mind the kidding around because we have been struggling with different levels of desire for nearly 23 of our 29 year marriage. Thanks for your great work. It keeps me sane.

  2. I’m a woman, and I would absolutely love it if my husband would have sex with me one more, or two more, or three more times a week! I struggle with having the higher drive (it’s actually an awful thing). But I’m grateful that he has at least started making an effort to be with me once a week no matter how tired he is. I continue to pray it might increase as his stress level drops. But based on his job, I don’t see his stress level dropping anytime soon. ☹️ The good news is I’m really learning to be more content and hopeful.

  3. Only thing is, “tit for tat” is not a good model. (No pun intended.) Some men might take your 4th sentence to mean, “If I do this, I might get that.” Doesn’t work that way.

    I know that’s not what you meant, but in too many marriages–mine for sure–being a good guy and washing the car from HER point of view became a code for “He wants sex.” Crazy thing is, yeah, I wanted sex, but NOT because I washed the car. I wanted sex because (a) I had a lot of energy and used it to wash the car, and thought lovingly about how she was going to react when she saw it. And (b), I had a lot of energy, and it became sexual as I thought of her more and more. (Dang it!) More on the “Dang it!” later.

    Always move toward each other. She’ll appreciate that you filled her car up with gas and got it washed”, but don’t even think about sex while you are doing it. That means (hopefully) she may think more about having sex with you, but won’t even think about the fact that you mowed, did laundry and cooked three meals last week. That’s the goal in my view.

    The difference is very subtle, but when we succeed at achieving this difference, sexual energy builds rather than depletes. In the “tit for tat” model, she feels she has to “give up” sex, because you “gave up” time used to wash the car. In the other (better) model, you would have washed the car anyway. And energy makes more energy, until your body calls for food or rest or sleep. But that energy also releases testosterone, and builds muscle, and more and more desire.

    The “Dang it!” is that some men actually hate themselves because their sexual energy needs an outlet. This self-hatred for wanting to sexually express themselves to their wives is actually bad for your marriage and bad for you and even bad for your wife. Don’t “tit for tat”, but don’t hate yourself for wanting sex. Accept her “no” but ask for a rain check without shame. She needs sex too, but probably thinks about it less than you.

    Of course there are HD wives out there too! I think it probably works the same, but I’m not a woman.

    Married for 47 years and still trying to optimize my marriage!

    • The concept of quid pro quo was something I struggled a lot with, and still do I guess. My wife says I’ll want more sex if the house is clean. To a guy who is hard up this is a math equation, solve for “y” and the equation balances, or ok I do the dishes now she does what I want. So dishes equals lingerie or something along those lines. What my wife really means is that if the house is more picked up, then my life is generally less stressful, and if it is less stressful then I tend to be more open to sex over time. It is more of a statistical correlation than an algebraic equation

      • @mykidsmademedoit – I’d tell a man she will want more sex if the house is clean. I will also explain to the wife he will be more interested in cleaning the house if he has more sex. The I would ask which if them is going to go first

        I’d also point out that love is sometimes about doing things because we should even when we don’t feel like it.

        And you’re right, it’s more of a statistical correlation than an algebraic equation.

  4. Love the math analogy MyKidsMadeMeDoIt,

    I thought (still occasionally do) think this way also. The lingerie analogy is an apt one. I honestly never had a problem having my wife make love to me. The problem was, I felt she was doing it as a quid pro quo. She would swear she wasn’t, but when we had two small children, and I spent all day at the park with them while she went shopping, I guarantee you I would get lucky that night. Like you said, she was spending a day without responsibility, and her stress was down, and she was, let’s say, “appreciative”.

    Did I refuse the offer? Heck no. Was it “tit for tat” or “quid pro quo”? Probably, and probably a little of less stress for her allowing her to warm up a bit. But the kicker is, I still remember those days at the park. I was a hero to my girls, and miss those days. I got a lot out of being their dad. I didn’t need the sex, but then, I surely appreciated it also.

    The kicker is that there was just a little bit of guilt there. Did I do it to get sex? No. But did I slowly realize as the day wore on that there was sex that was going to happen? Yep. There’s that tiny movement, I think, both husband and wife need to make. The guy, NOT expecting sex. The woman, REALLY wanting the sex, not for the day away from the kids, but because she WANTED her husband.

    It’s a tiny difference. I think the lingerie would have done it for me. :-)

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