Hit The Shower
This is a hot button but necessary follow up to last Saturday’s Constraint and Dedication in the Bedroom post. In that post, I talked about not being grumpy over a lack of sex. If you ask and she says no, don’t try to punish her. I said doing that might get you sex, but not the kind of sex you want, and in the long run, it will make her less interested in sex.
So what do you do if you want or need sex and your wife is unwilling? You hit the shower.
Yes, gentlemen, I’m suggesting you take matters into your own hands.
I realise some think all masturbation is sinful. I won’t go into that here as I’ve done it before. Suffice it to say I am convinced masturbation is not inherently sinful. The point I want to make here is masturbation is a far less enjoyable but valid way of dealing with your sex drive when your wife can’t or won’t. Some will say it’s selfish. My reply to that is that running around horny is a bad plan.
In part, this is about keeping temptation in check. But it’s also about doing something that makes it easier for you to be loving and understanding with your wife when she is leaving you hard up. If masturbating just makes you madder, then it’s not helping. But if you work at it you should be able to get to where you can take care of your body without messing up your mind.
I’ve been down this road. When we were having a lot of sexual problems Lori let me know she was okay with me taking care of myself. I did it on occasion, but not nearly as much as I should have. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt doing it myself was letting her off the hook. I thought walking around horny 24/7 would pressure her to have sex with me more often. Looking back I realise this was not the case. In fact, being so horny all the time made it more difficult for her to be sexual with me. If I had been more willing to take care of myself in the shower I’d have felt better, she’d have felt better, and our sexual problems likely would have been resolved faster.
The one caveat in all of this is your wife should probably know you are masturbating. I say probably because if she sees masturbation as the ultimate sin she’s not ready to hear that. However, if she can be halfway reasonable about it I suggest you let her know the lack of sex is causing you real problems and you feel a need to sometimes give yourself physical release in the shower. Make it clear you would much rather be having sex with her, and let her know your thoughts while you do it will be of her.
Telling her might be seen as trying to push her to have more sex. Aside from the honesty issue, sharing this information with her may help her understand why it’s important for her to try to have more sex. You’re letting her know she has the right of first refusal, but the need is such that you shouldn’t go without release for long periods. Telling her also lets her know you will deal with the need in a way that doesn’t involve porn or another woman.
Finally, why the shower? It’s easy, private, and clean. It also removes the risk of porn being part of the equation.