Hit The Shower

This is a hot button but necessary follow up to last Saturday’s Constraint and Dedication in the Bedroom post. In that post, I talked about not being grumpy over a lack of sex. If you ask and she says no, don’t try to punish her. I said doing that might get you sex, but not the kind of sex you want, and in the long run, it will make her less interested in sex.

So what do you do if you want or need sex and your wife is unwilling? You hit the shower.

Hit The Shower

Yes, gentlemen, I’m suggesting you take matters into your own hands.

I realise some think all masturbation is sinful. I won’t go into that here as I’ve done it before. Suffice it to say I am convinced masturbation is not inherently sinful. The point I want to make here is masturbation is a far less enjoyable but valid way of dealing with your sex drive when your wife can’t or won’t. Some will say it’s selfish. My reply to that is that running around horny is a bad plan.

In part, this is about keeping temptation in check. But it’s also about doing something that makes it easier for you to be loving and understanding with your wife when she is leaving you hard up. If masturbating just makes you madder, then it’s not helping. But if you work at it you should be able to get to where you can take care of your body without messing up your mind.

I’ve been down this road. When we were having a lot of sexual problems Lori let me know she was okay with me taking care of myself. I did it on occasion, but not nearly as much as I should have. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt doing it myself was letting her off the hook. I thought walking around horny 24/7 would pressure her to have sex with me more often. Looking back I realise this was not the case. In fact, being so horny all the time made it more difficult for her to be sexual with me. If I had been more willing to take care of myself in the shower I’d have felt better, she’d have felt better, and our sexual problems likely would have been resolved faster.

The one caveat in all of this is your wife should probably know you are masturbating. I say probably because if she sees masturbation as the ultimate sin she’s not ready to hear that. However, if she can be halfway reasonable about it I suggest you let her know the lack of sex is causing you real problems and you feel a need to sometimes give yourself physical release in the shower. Make it clear you would much rather be having sex with her, and let her know your thoughts while you do it will be of her.

Telling her might be seen as trying to push her to have more sex. Aside from the honesty issue, sharing this information with her may help her understand why it’s important for her to try to have more sex. You’re letting her know she has the right of first refusal, but the need is such that you shouldn’t go without release for long periods. Telling her also lets her know you will deal with the need in a way that doesn’t involve porn or another woman.

Finally, why the shower? It’s easy, private, and clean. It also removes the risk of porn being part of the equation. 

Image Credit: © Hans | pixabay.com
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19 Comments on “Hit The Shower

  1. Is porn part of the equation if a man is going through the “newsreel of porn” in his mind that he has seen? Can these images ever go away?

    • Mrs. B

      No, for the most part, the newsreel doesn’t just go away. On the other hand, like all memories, it blurs with time unless it is taken out and looked at. Without some exercise, it just becomes one of hundreds of thousands memories. Like all memories, there is the possibility of something being burned in at a deeper level. I am 56 years old and I can remember the first time I saw a playboy at the age of 11, and describe one of the images with perfect clarity. It will probably always be there.
      On the other hand, most everything else has faded and if I chose to think of it, I would remember very little. I choose not to dig them up.

      If a man is deliberately concentrating on imagery from pornography, or even a random image of a woman he saw walking down the street, then he is lusting and it probably is no different in Gods eyes to sitting down in front of an electronic device and actively looking.

      With that said, why would you think someone who is actively removing the temptation by one method or another, is then going to go to the “newsreel” as you call it? Your question would seem to indicate that you have a very low opinion of a mans ability to choose.

    • Mrs B – despite having seen more porn in my life than I’d care to admit, I find it very easy to focus my thoughts on my wife during times I resort to taking care of myself. Although, often those thoughts of my wife are of her engaging in acts with me that she either won’t or rarely does with me in real life. She’s also much more enthusiastic and responsive in my thoughts than she usually is in real life.

    • Why not create enough exciting “news reel” for your spouse, of yourself, so they never have to go to a “porn reel” from the past.
      Btw, it varies from person to person, whether these images ever go away. Some people seem to remember most every exciting image they’ve ever seen, others don’t. I seem to forget most of what I’ve seen. I can rewatch movies and it’s almost like I’m seeing it for the first time.
      My question is, why would an image that you’ve seen in the past, be a sin? I can remember images out of my dreams very clearly and they were not with my wife. I have no idea why I’ve had dreams like that. Never cheated on her, never was tempted, never had sex outside marriage. And she’s had dreams like that too. We tell these to each other. Seems to me like some people make way to much of images we’ve seen or that are stuck in our mind from dreams, etc. to have seen an image does not mean one had listed after.
      That’s my opinion anyway.

    • @Mrs B – Lust in general is an issues because the longer a man goes without release the more he struggles to keep such thoughts under control. If he wants to avoid lust, occasional masturbation actually helps.

  2. In the “lesser of two evils” I think you are on the mark. I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t say that the shower has been a better lover to me at points in our marriage (and I’m the wife!).

    But, I just wanted to reiterate that you don’t have to “run around horny.” You can “run around holy,” instead! Take matters to concentrated prayer rather than quick release.

    I don’t fault a spouse for resorting to a quick fix in the shower, but it shouldn’t be our first step after a refusal.

    • @Libl – If prayer could take care of it Paul would have said so in 1 Cor 7. Instead he said some did not have such self-control.
      But I agree it’s not like we need to dash for the shower the moment we hear no!

    • Empathy is called for here; if you find yourself in a sexless marriage, the temptations and negative emotions which follow can have disastrous consequences.

    • @Libl – “Take matters to concentrated prayer rather than quick release.”

      I remember meeting a woman who used to pray to God that he would “bind the calories” in her food before she ate. I guess she was interpreting the “whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven” passage in a whole new way. I’m not sure if it was working, though, because she was pretty overweight. So I’m guess that if I pray that God “binds the semen” it will probably be just as effective.

  3. If your spouse has a problem with you taking care of yourself in the shower when they aren’t willing, you are married to crazy, and you need to see professional help ASAP. If she sees it as “the ultimate sin” then she (or he) should refrain from doing so, but she doesn’t get to decide that for you, especially if she’s shooting you down

    • How is a controlling wife supposed to use sex as a weapon if you are going to just relieve yourself in the shower? For many Christian marriage “experts”, pastors and churches, all masturbation must be deemed the moral equivalent of adultery. You being horny and miserable is God’s intended path to purity and holiness and your wife’s sexual refusal is part of God’s plan to make you a better person. But then you go and ruin it all in the shower. Finding an accountability partner to monitor your shower activities might be difficult, though. And more than a little creepy.

  4. I don’t know if this is “God’s eternal truth” or just my stubbornness, but I will mostly agree with you on this. I would add (again, I don’t know if this is truth or not) that, after years in a sexless marriage, I won’t listen to anyone who wants to claim that masturbation is a sin who does not pursue with equal intensity the sinfulness of sexual refusal (see your old post “the sex sin the church ignores”). It may not be right or rational, but I am tired of those like RickyB bring up who think sexual frustration or celibacy/asexuality is the “high road”.

  5. Something me and the wife worked out 10 or 15 years ago, if I was wanting sex, I could ask, if she said no, I could masturbate. Ok, it was embarrassing in the beginning, but we both got used to it after a while. Our only “rules” are
    I always ask first so she has the chance to have sex and absolutely no more than twice a week. She says more than twice a week is not a need. It has worked for us.

  6. It is amazing, but not easy to talk about something like that. I was pretty embarrassed by my need to have more sex than my wife. It has been a good compromise though. I get relief when I need it and she doesn’t have to have sex when she is not in the mood. A marriage councilor once said the more HD person decides how often and the LD spouse decides what activity.

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