On His and Her Advice

Posting over on Quora has been interesting for me because I am aware I am speaking to a mixed audience of men and women. Here I speak to men, over on The XY Code I speak to women. I realise I have individuals of the opposite sex reading along, but for the most part, I don’t allow that to affect what I say or how I say it.

On His and Her Advice

Giving gender-specific advice sometimes causes some pushback. Men here, and women over there, sometimes complain I think they are the cause of all their marriage’s problems and I’m giving their spouse a pass.

In truth, I usually find it a waste of time to tell you, men, where your wife is messing up, and likewise useless to tell the ladies where their husband are messing up. If I can provide some understanding as to why the other spouse does something, or suggest how you can help them change, that’s good. But if it’s just pointing out flaws I don’t see how that helps anyone.

When Lori and I deal with a couple we often give them very different his and her suggestions for how to deal with an issue. The goal is to help each see and deal with their errors, blind spots, and any lack of understanding or kindness. A perfect example of this can be found in my answer to For how long does a married couple have to wait before they can resume intercourse after childbirth? After giving some biology, I gave separate suggestions for men and women:

My advice to husbands is this is a great time to show sacrificial love. Let her know you’re eager to become sexual as soon as SHE IS READY and then work on ways of making her life easier and provide her with comfort.

My advice to wives is that his sex drive is still in gear, and six weeks feels like an eternity to him. Either take care of him by hand or encourage him to do it while you lie with him. A couple of hand-jobs a week tells him you care about his needs, and it helps him know sex will be a thing again down the road.

Much of what I post here is like just the male half of the above. Much of what I do on The XY Code is just the female half. Basically, I’m giving each sex information they can implement without telling them what I think their spouse should or should not be doing.

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2 Comments on “On His and Her Advice

  1. I have disagreed with you on many occasions but I have to give you tons of respect for the sheer quantity of information and insight you provide on a daily basis between all of your blogs. It cannot be easy trying to keep your perspective when you are bombarded by the emotional baggage of all the hurts and frustrations of so many people. God bless you and thank you for being a warrior fighting for Godly marriages all across this land and beyond.

  2. Speaking of the advice you give–to wives on one hand, and husbands on the other, I wish my wife had been able to read some things on a blog like the XY code when we were young marrieds. Sex was just not discussed.

    In the example– sex after pregnancy–my wife would have passed out had she received your advice. Or, maybe she would have taken it. It would have saved a lot of arguments about all the other non sexual things if I had been a happy camper. I still remember that agony.

    Here’s this kid, I’m loving to death…. but on the other hand, she’s “occupied” all the time, and not with me. We weathered it, but she was totally clueless as to what was happening with my very healthy body.

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